persistence

[hawkal]

If you ask someone out and they say no is it worth while being persistent?

[brendannz]

maybe it's best to express your interest the best you can, and be perfectly OK if they take it or leave it..

[butterflyeffect]

Id say not really worth pursuing....

[Criseyde]

No means no.

[IEvo]

It's not worth it to be persistent in this case. If you're looking for something worthwhile in the long run, someone who turned you down is not what you're looking for.

One of the most important pieces of advice I ever received about dating was about initial interest. If the person you are pursuing is not already interested by you and doesn't already like you in that way, then even if you manage to get into a relationship afterwards, it won't last.

Without that initial interest, even a spark that you work hard to create will fade over time. Because you're not that person. If you have to do anything special to get someone to go out with you, the relationship won't last. Maybe it will take a year or five years, or maybe only 2 weeks, but whatever you were faking when you got them to become interested won't last.

Next them and move on.

[180]

It's really one of those depend things.

See my mother initially said no to my father. With good reason, smoking, gambling, had 1 son (me), etc...

But he kept pursing my mom.
They are happily married now.

I've heard of other women too, who want to test men to see if they are the real thing or if they are just asking her out for some other reason.

I've done it too. I'm a man, and I reject women ALL the time. Doesn't matter how pretty she is. I want to see if she wants to get to know me for my outside qualities or for my inside. While this strategy has left me single for 6 months, I'm happier knowing I'm not dating anymore vampires.

It's worth pursing if you really really like her. And NOT just for her beauty. but also her inner qualities. Otherwise she may not be worth the investment.

[Angela]

My dad asked my mom out about a hundred times before she finally accepted his invitation.

[James81]

I like the idea of being persistent...but being persistent with other options in mind.

I think if you take on the mindset that "I've got to have THIS woman, NO MATTER WHAT, and I won't stop until I have her", then that's going to set you up for some serious conflict.

On the other hand, if you take on the mindset of "Welp, I'll ask her again, but if she says 'no', I'll just go ask someone else....and then if given the opportunity, I'll ask again, but no sweat, there's more fish in the sea" (or something along those lines), then it would free you up to make it a more "fun" thing. Playful, fun persistance seems like it would feel pretty good.

[SatvikBeri]

Originally Posted by Angela

My dad asked my mom out about a hundred times before she finally accepted his invitation.

My dad was persistent too. Sometimes it does pay off.

[Liz Caitlin]

Originally Posted by hawkal

If you ask someone out and they say no is it worth while being persistent?

Ohhhh boy. So many ways to go wrong here!

It really, really depends. Most of the time I would say no, mainly because it is incredibly disrespectful to a person to just ignore their wishes & assume they didn't mean no when they said it. Continually asking them out is at worst annoying & at best kinda stalkerish.

However, there are ways to be persistent that are far more subtle. Staying in touch with that person & presenting a more attractive image of yourself while acting like you're totally cool with them not dating you can be very attractive. Casually dating someone else is even better. It sends the message that you don't take dating too seriously, that you have other options, and that you're completely self-confident. I would try that method if you're really into whomever it is you asked out.

[metamorph]

Some of the examples sound as if they would date back quite a while. Is it not possible that times have changed? In the days of my parents, wooing (how on earth do you spell that...) was a big thing. Women were told that if a man is interested he will pursue you. Just watch some of the older movies.

I think to some degree persistence is a timeless, biological attractor (would make sense). However, I think today it is generally less so.

I had personal success with persistence, and I also wasted a lot of time...
Today I try to read the chemistry, and if there is chemistry, I persist if she is nice. Otherwise I am out.

It depends on the person, on the qulaity of the "no", on your interaction, how well you know each other, if there is any vibe/chemistry etc? What kind of date was it supposed to be?

[Angela]

I agree with James. Persistence works best when you're feeling good. People want to be around people who are feeling good, and good-feeling people have more influence.

If you are feeling stressful and being persistent, that doesn't work so well. Better to disconnect the stress, see if what you were wanting is still what you want, and then persist in feeling good.

[hawkal]

Thanks for the great replies guys.

I was wondering do you think it would be okay to say something like "Well if you change your mind be sure to let me know" because then you are stating you're not going to pursue and that the ball is in their court if they really are interested.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by hawkal

Thanks for the great replies guys.

I was wondering do you think it would be okay to say something like "Well if you change your mind be sure to let me know" because then you are stating you're not going to pursue and that the ball is in their court if they really are interested.

I don't think I'd be inclined to let you know if I changed my mind, if you said that to me. I think it would not be an engaging or attractive thing -- it sounds kind of ... well, weak. I wouldn't even want you to leave your ball in my court. Better, I think -- more personally powerful and potentially magnetic -- to pick up your ball and bounce it on over to two or three other hot women, and see who wants to play a pick up game.