Emotional and mental manipulation.

[Stacedoll]

How to do deal with this??

Some background info - I have broken up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half yrs due to my own personal reasons.

It was hard, ive been trying to avoid this for nearly a year, in the end I got so down I could barely function an said I need to do this or go insane.

Hes not taken it well, I gave him a month to find somewhere else to live as the apartment is mine, hes not impressed with this at all.

Bare in mind this guy has been amazing, but in the last 6 mths or so hes gotten so manipulating he actually physically drains me, if I bring up the fact that he hasnt been looking for somewhere else to leave he loses his temper, says im trying to get rid of him.

Is watching everything I do, if im having a hard day he brings up me ending things as he knows this has been just as hard on me as it has on him, ive been guilt ridden and I feel hes using this against me but at the same time I feel I cant stop it because hes hurting and that I have caused this pain.

My head is just so confused right now, any advice on how to deal with a situation like this would be most appreciated.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Stacedoll

if I bring up the fact that he hasnt been looking for somewhere else to leave he loses his temper, says im trying to get rid of him.

You ARE trying to get rid of him.

If I were you, I'd get polarized. Choose either a win/lose intention, or a win/win intention, and then act accordingly. Right now, it sounds like you're trying to straddle the fence between the two modes, and it's ending up lose/lose.

[Eduard E]

I agree with Angela. It's important for you to get to the point emotionally where you are willing to actually get rid of him, kick him out. And for him to know that. As long as he knows you won't do that, we can play you the way he wants.

[Stacedoll]

Ok I get you guys mean, I wanted to keep a friendship there but obviously its coming over as me being too soft, I'll get the point made.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Stacedoll

Ok I get you guys mean, I wanted to keep a friendship there but obviously its coming over as me being too soft, I'll get the point made.

Just to be clear, that's not exactly what I was saying. I'm suggesting that if you want to be powerful in the situation and get the results you want, first choose whether you want to prevail (you want to get what you want, and you want him to not get what he wants -- win/lose) or if you want both of you to find a way to feel like you got what each of you wants (win/win.) I suggest choosing, because if you don't choose, lose/lose is a very likely outcome -- neither you nor he will come out feeling like a winner.

Your next right inspired actions will depend on which intention you choose to operate with. (I don't believe that either choice is right/wrong, good/bad, by the way. I prefer to operate with a win/win intention because I find it yields better results, but there are times when the resources for that just don't feel as accessible.)

I actually do believe it's possible for you to be friends with your ex, without either of you feeling like you have lost or compromised. But it may take something of you! It'll take boldly calling upon some inner resources you may not be accustomed to calling upon.

[Stacedoll]

thanks Angela.

Im not really sure how to turn this into a win/win situation though?

What ever I do is affecting him and giving him strong emotional repercussions against me, what ever I dont do is affecting me with frustration and giving him the wrong the idea.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Stacedoll

thanks Angela.

Im not really sure how to turn this into a win/win situation though?

What ever I do is affecting him and giving him strong emotional repercussions against me, what ever I dont do is affecting me with frustration and giving him the wrong the idea.

My experience is that it's far more effective and powerful to effect change at the level of values, identity and purpose, rather than at lower levels on the ladder of change, like attitude and behavior -- like the "how" of turning it into a win/win.

That's why I'd suggest beginning by determining what is important to you here: what is your purpose? Rather than trying to figure out the behavior first. It's like starting a new job: things just tend to work out more to your liking when you distinguish the higher purpose of the job, and the tasks that will express that higher purpose, and the methods for doing the tasks, occur naturally, more easily and effortlessly.

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)

[180]

What I always do in situations where I want to maintain a relationship but do what inevitably pisses people off is get a 3rd party.

So if you have a close girlfriend or someone that you trust who will stand up up for you. Get her to push him out.

This way you still look like the good guy but get what you want. She'll have to say things like "Get out! You're draining her, you've broken up, stop being a loser and latching on to her."

And then getting all up in his grill.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 180

What I always do in situations where I want to maintain a relationship but do what inevitably pisses people off is get a 3rd party.

What you ALWAYS do in those situations?!? How often do you find yourself in those situations?

[180]

Originally Posted by Angela

What you ALWAYS do in those situations?!? How often do you find yourself in those situations?

lol happens. A lot of jerks out there. Like for example, I'll loan someone a necessary book for research and I won't get it back to write my own paper. So I get a friend to be like "JESUS CHRIST JIM, 180 needs to write his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ paper, you've had plenty of time to do it, just photocopy and give it back to him... ". You know stuff like that. I get other people to do my "dirty" work. They enjoy it though. Also, the more well known to be a jerk helps.

Although I hold off on people if they have some power over me OR the revenge type.

I mean, the revenge types.... errr..... the people you least expect can do the most damage.

[Foggy]

Maybe you and your ex can't be friends right now. I think you have to accept that possibility, because it's holding you back. If you want him in your life more than you want to end the relationship than you shouldn't break up with him. If the opposite is true, you should be more proactive in kicking him out. It gets messy when you try to straddle the line in between friendship and relationship. When we get out of a relationship, we associate all the great feeling we had with that person while we were in a relationship with them. We want the feelings back, so we try to keep the person around in our lives as a friend - but it's important to realize that, as a friend, the person is not necessarily capable of giving us all the same feelings.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe this guy wants you in his life as his girlfriend, not as his friend. Maybe you are in the same boat and don't realize it:
What if tomorrow your ex packed all his stuff and left. When you saw him, he treated you like he never had feelings for you, as though you were just an old platonic friend. He started dating other people, and never showed any desire for you whatsoever. Is this what you want? Because if it's not, I'm not sure if you really want to be friends with him.