Emotion Love vs Physical Love
This will be like a journal entry as well as a topic of discussion. My reality has been perplexing me in a sense to where my emotions are manifesting physically. Usually in a achy pain in a Y shape down my head into my neck.
This isn't a unique situation, but for me it is difficult given my understanding of it. I have a very close friend that I am very emotionally involved with. When they ask for something, it just isn't in me to say 'no'. Usually, this stuff isn't without the realm of reason. On top of that I also notice things, riders, to either what I'm doing or whats going on that need doing and addressing, and I love being there. Yet, the more this goes on, the more I feel it becoming more of a desire for a relationship.
There are major personality traits we clash on, as well as different phases of life. Also, for the most part I am the opposite of her 'type'. It is also a profound privilege that our relationship has become what it is because she doesn't allow guys in much. Those that are physical, don't tend to last long either. She doesn't typically connect emotionally with them.
A few months ago I found out that she broke up with a guy she was with. I figured this was happen, but I wished for her to find happiness. Though, I was happy when she broke up with him.
Also, when she talked about another guy, it hit me off. Which is another topic in myself because it speaks to issues of lacking and loneliness in me. While also making me ask, am I doing the things I do because I love her or want her? Or is it a combination of both? That I do them out of love, but that has created the desire to want her?
She isn't my ideal type either. When I picture someone I want, usually they are taller, or bustier, or nicer, ideally more conscious and so on. Yet, the more I'm around her lately, the more perplexed my feelings have become.
I've been trying to look at this differently, also from her point of view. I'm one of the few people she can count on, and she believes if it thing are more then it'll destroy the friendship. Perhaps she can never be that interested in me, but something makes me wonder. There have been things, body language and such. But then, perhaps I'm just safe?
There were other questions, like am I willing to risk the friendship for something more?
If not, how do I just give love without allowing these feelings eat at me/disempower me.
In some ways it feels like a mistake, yet so does battling these feelings. If I want to hold her, I may want more, or having that may make me want more.
If I throw out my idea of the future and my idea of the ideal woman. I realize I find her more attractive as time goes on, and just enjoy being around her. I am also noticing pain if I am not as mattering to her as she is to me.
My guilt over feeling this way has created a barrier to where everything like this is taboo, so I don't mention it, don't flirt, and rarely touch her. This then makes me wonder if perhaps my feelings are an illusion or just out of the safeness of the relationship.
There were some other questions I thought up today that applied profoundly, but I can't recall them right now. Drained and tired.
PS I think too much, perhaps as much as a thinktank, tho usually in circular patterns hence the name mrthinktank.
Today has reinforced my belief it would not work out long term. So, now to find a way to channel my emotions.
I've been attempting to practice acceptance, both of my interest and her lack of.
I'm noticing the most difficult part is when I want to show affection, I then feel guilty, for wanting to show some, for the implications that it could mean. Which is more ego.
Also, my emotional connection seems to desire a phsyical expression. Not unlike what I consider Steve wrote about of poly lifestyle. Which is where everything begins. Wanting someone to have both an emotional physical connection with.
Then feeling unworthy despite all my attempts to 'show' by my 'actions'.
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