when someone is infatuated with you

[Gracestars]

I've been rather busy of late, and haven't contributed as much, although I have browsed the forum to see how you are all doing!

Until.. I came across a thread, Difference between love and infatuation?, and Angela's definition of the two struck a cord.

She wrote:

"Infatuation is all about what you are getting (or not getting);

Love is all about what you are generating."

I've been seeing someone for about a month now. Certain "logistics" regarding the relationship, namely, how we know each other, were of concern initially, but I have made the decision to take a risk and give it a go.

I really enjoy his company, we have a lot in common, and there are many things I like about him, but my feelings seem to wax and wane. They wane when I feel the intensity of his feelings for me. While he is most generous and kind, I catch glimpses of selfishness in him regarding me, and that makes me want to pull away.

Perhaps I should give some examples...

He wants intimate affection/contact when I'm not really feeling it. Sometimes it's like he's a kid in a candy shop - he just has to have it.

He seems unable to keep in mind the "logistics" of our relationship and what we have decided is best in order to manage this.

He's a cool guy. I'd like to stick with it, for now at least. I can see beyond his "stuff," - we all have our stuff. But I'd like not to feel so up and down with it. And the selfishness does bother me.

I'm all too aware that when we put someone on a pedestal, they inevitably fall off of it....

I suppose I want a love relationship. Not to be the object of someone's infatuation.

Thoughts?

Cheers,
G. x

[ssandra]

Hi,

It's lovely to be in love, but if the other "needs" you it becomes a burden instead.

I think maybe he's feeling insecure about you or the relationship and therefor is too clingy..?

One thing to keep in mind and be very strong about right from the beginning is your own boundaries. if you don't want to have sex, make it absolutely clear to him that it's not going to happen and that if he pushes, he can go home and push himself there

Same with him making drama when you are upset. Tell him that you are upset with him, and that you will not allow his passive aggressive behavior to make it all about him. He can make it up to you, or he can go home to sulk in his own misery.

If you like him enough, you can work with this, and he can get over it. But 1. you have to like him enough to put in the effort, 2. you have to be strong enough to set your boundaries and stand by them and 3. he has to be willing to work on his own issues (of self esteem and passive aggressiveness).

[Gracestars]

Thanks Sandra.

I think I do like him enough to put in the effort. I really dig him when he isn't demonstrating that "clingy" side.

I've made my boundaries very very clear. And I can see that he is doing his best to respect them... but I can still feel it nonetheless, ya know?

In re to sex - it's not so much sex that he is pushy with, but just physical contact in general. Touching, kissing etc... I pulled him into line over this, and he seems to be thinking outside of himself more now.

I told him honestly that "I'm not there with it yet" and it needs to go at a slower pace. I hope that in time we can meet each other on a more even keel.

[Gracestars]

I don't know... maybe there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe it's just that I don't feel as strongly for him as he does for me..yet.., and if I did it would be a different story.

I don't want to tell him how to be. I don't believe in that, and I think that is only confusing for a person. I don't want to make him feel anymore insecure or worried about pleasing me.

[elucidate]

Not really sure if I can offer anything useful here?

It's such a delicate time in a new love situation. I think his actions are perfectly natural, and normal for someone who likes someone else. I've been in the situation before where the fella was too affectionate for me, and was demanding that I reciprocate, when I didn't feel it, and it's not fun. It sounds like you're a bit of a cat, like me Grace.
Reverse psychology works wonders on me. So, if a guy is not showing me affection, it makes me wonder and I will go to him, but if he is too affectionate, touchy feely (which I really dislike too much of), then it can be really off putting and awkward, especially trying to explain to someone who naturally wants to express his feelings for you.

I was like that with the last couple of boyfriends, and I did explain that I didn't think I felt as strongly yet, which was recieved well, I think? Give it a go, if you haven't already...?Just as he has a right to express his affection, you have the same right to speak up if you aren't feeling the same way, without feeling bad about it. You can say it with sensitivity, so as to preserve his feelings being hurt.

Lots of love and luck Grace

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Not really sure if I can offer anything useful here?

It's such a delicate time in a new love situation. I think his actions are perfectly natural, and normal for someone who likes someone else. I've been in the situation before where the fella was too affectionate for me, and was demanding that I reciprocate, when I didn't feel it, and it's not fun. It sounds like you're a bit of a cat, like me Grace.
Reverse psychology works wonders on me. So, if a guy is not showing me affection, it makes me wonder and I will go to him, but if he is too affectionate, touchy feely (which I really dislike too much of), then it can be really off putting and awkward, especially trying to explain to someone who naturally wants to express his feelings for you.

I was like that with the last couple of boyfriends, and I did explain that I didn't think I felt as strongly yet, which was recieved well, I think? Give it a go, if you haven't already...?Just as he has a right to express his affection, you have the same right to speak up if you aren't feeling the same way, without feeling bad about it. You can say it with sensitivity, so as to preserve his feelings being hurt.

Lots of love and luck Grace

Hey, thanks bloss.

Yes I agree, it is rather normal... overwhelming, but normal!

I have been pretty straight with him, and he has taken it on. I suppose I might need to remind him if it gets too much for me again...

I suppose I'm also wanting a relationship with genuine care there, you know? And not just about him getting his needs met... even if part of that involves him working to make me happy, if you see what I'm saying. Maybe though, that will come with time, just as my care for him will elvove and grow with time.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I don't know... maybe there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe it's just that I don't feel as strongly for him as he does for me..yet.., and if I did it would be a different story.

I don't want to tell him how to be. I don't believe in that, and I think that is only confusing for a person. I don't want to make him feel anymore insecure or worried about pleasing me.

Hmm, I wonder if this is happening because you're seeing it as 'too easy'?
Perhaps you like the thrill of the chase, the challenge, the back and forth of 'I have you now' and 'I don't have you now.'

Perhaps knowing you can have him all the time is making it go a little wonky in your head?

But then - there's nothing strange about that - I think it's the same reason why most people (women included) don't tend to respond to clinginess very well.

I am also wondering whether part of this is you still processing the nature of the relationship - the logistics, I mean. Could it be you're still working to the point of being totally okay with going through it under the circumstances? I ask because I can see how hesitation to be totally okay with it might lead to the experience you describe.

You might also find a way to gently let him know that you want him more when you have enough time without having him. (Build up of desire instead of instantly available.) Or maybe find a slightly more direct way of saying it if he's one of those guys who doesn't get subtlety.

Mwah!

[Gracestars]

Interesting thoughts, ta rei.

Originally Posted by rei

Hmm, I wonder if this is happening because you're seeing it as 'too easy'?
Perhaps you like the thrill of the chase, the challenge, the back and forth of 'I have you now' and 'I don't have you now.'

Perhaps knowing you can have him all the time is making it go a little wonky in your head?

But then - there's nothing strange about that - I think it's the same reason why most people (women included) don't tend to respond to clinginess very well.

I am also wondering whether part of this is you still processing the nature of the relationship - the logistics, I mean. Could it be you're still working to the point of being totally okay with going through it under the circumstances? I ask because I can see how hesitation to be totally okay with it might lead to the experience you describe.

I think you might be right re still processing the circumstances... they're kind of unusual (as you know) and have sort of thrown us together. I also think I am still letting go of my broke dreamer too. *sigh* That is a more drawn out process than I had imagined. But I'm getting there...

You might also find a way to gently let him know that you want him more when you have enough time without having him. (Build up of desire instead of instantly available.) Or maybe find a slightly more direct way of saying it if he's one of those guys who doesn't get subtlety.

Mwah!

I think I've expressed this too. I'm pretty direct with him. ha!

I recently got back from a 5 day holiday, and now he is away for the same amount time, then a few days after he is back I go away again... I've reflected on the positives of this... "distance makes the heart grow fonder" they say! *wink wink, nudge nudge* ha. I've also straight up said that I don't want us to get too comfortable with each other too quickly - something that the "logistics" could potentially lead to.