relationship guidence

[smartchicme]

I've been married for 2.5 years. During that time my husband & I had a very toxic relationship. Why? Because of many factors - we started our marriage in struggles, new job for me, job loss for him, massive home construction, wedding planning, death in family, loss of friendships...it all piled up and stressed us out. He cheated on me. I found out and called him on it. I cheated on him with a co-worker, and continued. He lied about where he was going in the evenings. I hired a personal investigator and had him followed to know for sure...thinking that if he was cheating again, its over for good, and thats all I needed. I found lies and phone sex, and internet sex, no inperson affair. So I kicked him out of the house, hired a lawyer and declared, "done!" I expected him to fight me and he did.

The problem now? We've gone to couples therapy for months- to remove the guilt and blame and clean up our trash a little. We have, and we actually spend time together now.

The problem I need help with? How do I determine if I want to try again? I'm searching for clarity and I don't know where to look anymore. I don't want to fall into comfort of the relationship with my husband, and be unhappy. I certainly don't want it to be like it was before, or a new variation on that theme. I'm scared of life on my own and making the wrong choice. Currently, he has almost moved back in, and we spend time together. He is understanding and caring and trying. He wants it to work. I'm not sure. How to be sure??? Ideas? Thoughts? Should I spend time really alone to make sure its not jus comfort?

[Angela]

I think you should call a moratorium on ALL romantic relationships, including your marriage, while you figure out how to deal effectively with stress. Otherwise, next time something challenging happens in our life, you'll go all reactive again and your circumstances will tumble like a house of cards again. First step: take 100% responsibility for your life. A therapist on your own might be a really good choice.

[joelyle]

How do I determine if I want to try again?

You decide you will try again. In my first marriage: I separated twice and nothing change after the separations. I decided I had enough and did not go back on the decision. In my 2nd marriage/divorce: I held on, based on the prospective of being away from daughters on a daily basis. At first this was difficult change; my financial life/the happiness of my children is much better than the daily question of whether the situation would improve. I just now feel qualified to be in a dedicated/loving relationship.

Do you feel loving in the relationship or fearful? Read/re-read Steve's articles on Polarity. I hope you trust in love and persevere. If not: I know you have decided from emotion and not thought. Following your heart / not your head.

[smartchicme]

Angela-
Your comment/suggestion totally resonates with me, thank you. I need to hear this, and over and over again. Maybe its a wierd neediness thing (and their pleading) that keeps me hooked to either man. Like I've got to please them or go with their agenda before mine. Its hard not to when their agenda feels loving and friendly. Why do I do that? I need to stop.
My therapist (am working with an individual one) seems to just listen, and say "somethings gotta change" mirroring what i say.

Joelyle-
I'm reading the polarity article, thank you for that suggestion. Sounds like this is extremely familiar to you. "Follow your heart not your head" is putting emotion over thought? Little confused and want to understand.

[joelyle]

...I have found that "thinking" is not going to lead to a "right" decision. It will just lead to more "thinking"; the two books which have advanced my well-being are both authored by Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth and The Power of Now. I can tell you from experience: if you stay in a relationship which you fear: you can still be ALONE. You will find that the root of suffering is EGO (Tolle does a great job of explaining this). You are much more than your problems, relationships and possessions (including your thoughts). I know this is a difficult time; trust that as you move (based on emotions, not thinking) in your best interest: everything will fall into place. Create the environment which will help you grow (not feel stifled). Be your own hero! Sending you affirmation and acceptance. You are safe and well. Nothing can harm you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by joelyle

Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth and The Power of Now.

I heartily second that!

[Antiventurecapital]

There's a great line that Robert DeNiro utters in Ronin:

"Where there is uncertainty, there is certainty."

Or something like that.

The point is that if you were certain about wanting to get back into this relationship, you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

[joelyle]

smartchicme,
Hi,
how are you?

How do you feel about this situation, now?
take care,
JOE

[alexinspire]

In this forum, I found that many people really can't totally break up with someone mostly because of their needs. They need people to love and care about them. (Tell me if I'm wrong)

So when people don't have the chemistry, feeling or good experience anymore, they start to suspect and want to break up but still something hold them back- their needs. So, should they break up? There are 2 ways of making decision here:

Need-based decision: Making decisions with your needs looks selfish because all we think about is our needs.

Feeling based decision: Making decision based on feelings towards the other person will be very confusing sometimes. When they did something that makes us feel good, we might think that we are in love. If they did something we don't like, the feeling gone immediately.

So, which one is the right one? Any idea? I use commitment-based decision. If I have committed to a relationship, I will work the relationship out no matter what happen. If there is no love, I generate love. If there is no feeling, I generate feeling for both. I feel I have freedom If I do so...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by alexinspire

If there is no love, I generate love. If there is no feeling, I generate feeling for both. I feel I have freedom If I do so...

How can you do that? I certainly don't have the power to make people love me when they don't. I may love people all I want, but whether they love me back is entirely up to them. If someone doesn't love me back, all I can do is accept that and move on.

But perhaps you have powers in this world that I don't? I don't think I would envy you if you do... having to carry the burden of generating love for both sides of the relationship and receiving nothing doesn't sound all that appealing to me. But if that does work for you, I'll tip my hat to you!

Jim.

[Angela]

Hey, Jim! I don't know exactly if alexinspire thinks of "generating love" in the same way I do, but I'd like to suggest to you that there is another way of looking at love and relationships other than our conventional giving-and-getting-love, please-love-me-back model. This way works much, much better for me; maybe you would like to try it on (you and I have touched on it before):

Rather than thinking of love as a commodity that when you find you have it for someone, you give it to them, and hope they "give it back", or if you don't have it, you sit around waiting for the thunderbolt, think of yourself as a Love Generator -- you actually practice manufacturing love as a new creative act. The love you generate in your factory is not "for" your girlfriend; it is for you, and therefore it exists for the world because when you have it, you radiate it. Your relationship with your beloved is an expression of the love you generate, but it does not depend on her actions to continue. You would be generating it regardless of what she does or says.

In that case, there is nothing "owed", nothing to "give back" (or not), no attachment to a particular outcome, although you both have intentions for how you'd like to steer the relationship. The person is still your very special partner, but she's freed by her knowledge that your love is not dependent on anything either of you say or do. She just joyfully rests securely in her knowledge that she has a Love Generator in her life -- You. Hopefully, you choose a woman who is also Love Generator.

So, yes, you would be generating love for both of you, but really it's for you, and for the world you experience. That's not a burden; it's a joy. Kind of the way you make music: that's the same way you generate love.

What do you think about all that?

(p.s.... generating love is not a wooo-woooo new agey in-the-ethers practice; there are some very practical real-world exercises and immediate results possible. Just like practicing your scales.)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

there are some very practical real-world exercises and immediate results possible. Just like practicing your scales.)

I guess I probably know what some of these are, but would you care to elaborate on what exercises you mean?

Another wonderful post! Thanks for the generous reminder I need right now.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I guess I probably know what some of these are, but would you care to elaborate on what exercises you mean?

Another wonderful post! Thanks for the generous reminder I need right now.

Hey, Aspiring! I think I'll do a love factory post a little later.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Sounds nice. Thanks.

[joelyle]

Hello All,
This is my feeling on the situation:

Rather than thinking of love as a commodity that when you find you have it for someone, you give it to them, and hope they "give it back", or if you don't have it, you sit around waiting for the thunderbolt, think of yourself as a Love Generator -- you actually practice manufacturing love as a new creative act. The love you generate in your factory is not "for" your girlfriend; it is for you, and therefore it exists for the world because when you have it, you radiate it. Your relationship with your beloved is an expression of the love you generate, but it does not depend on her actions to continue. You would be generating it regardless of what she does or says.

I don't believe relationships ever end; the context changes. As I have learned to love: I see it as putting out a frequency, if the other tunes in: they will receive it; I have learned to love all people; I wish to have a romantic relationship (1:1) and intimacy from this relationship. I have accepted (and put into practice) the idea of reverted relationships from intimacy back to "general love"/love for all people. I have experienced much joy from seeking a romantic relationship and at the same time primary focus on love for all people...

[alexinspire]

hi Angela,

That's what I actually wanted to say. But I put it in a short sentence and sorry to leave confusion.

Yes. We can't make anyone to love us. And I don't really want to wait other to leave me or do something like "Please love me!" or "I love you and you should love me!"

It sounds good to put it in the word love-generator. I like that! When we are love-generators, we can love anyone in our life. This makes me become a loving person. People love to be with loving person and It's always a great way to love people.


I want to be and I am a love-generator in my life. It's fun and I have no fear people won't love me because I love myself and I love everyone!