How to get ex back after I hurt her so much

[DominicJackson]

I just had a pretty messed up relationship in which i kept splitting up, putting down and being very confused with a girl who loved me more than anything. So now finally she has had the strength to split up with me and she says she doesn't love me like that any more. I didn't realise that I was so depressed and having constant anxiety attacks, I have extremely low self esteem but I love this girl we are soooo similar in everyway and like all the same things have the same opinions. she is soo beautifull and lovely.

So she needs space to get over the pain I caused her for so long before she can even hang out, but she hasn't said its never going to happen again, she said "lets just see what happens" and she wants to see me happy and confident. She started sleeping with one of her flatmates and seems to like him a lot but he is seeing another girl and isn't sure. So she is kind of throwing herself at him, which she did with me and made it really hard for me under that pressure. I am really worried she is just going to go crazy after feeling rejected fr so long and get really drunk and sleep around and do stuff she will really regret.

So what shall I do? I have started going out and hanging out with my friends I totally cut my self off from the world for 3 years (depression). We share a lot of the same friends, one of my best friends lives with her too so its hard that she started seeing this guy she lives with. i am trying to show her I have realised the mistakes I was making and the problems i was having, I'm talking to all her friends I slagged off for ages and mine about my problems. I deleted her number so i would stop texting but everyone is friends with her and its easy to get it back. trying not to text her every day :-(

Please I need help like some psychological stuff to help her trust me again. I know she loves me but its a trust thing :-(

[James81]

Do you really love her or are you just using her to fill a need in yourself?

You claim you hurt her, and you are depressed, full of anxiety, and have low self esteem (things that haven't changed since she ended things), but you still are trying to ask us how to get her back. Can you see how that's kind of contrary to the idea of love? To me, when you love someone, you want them to be happy, despite what that means about their relationship with you (i.e. you are not attached to any particular outcome...such as her beign with YOU, you just want HER to be happy whether it's with you or not).

But it looks to me like all you are focused on is your pain and how to use her to fix that pain.

See what I'm saying?

My thoughts would be for you to have the courage to let her go (at least at this time) and start asking the questions that would not only heal the situation between you and her, but would also heal YOU.

[DominicJackson]

I do agree mostly. I want her to be happy and i know she is not at all. At first I was happy for her it seemed she met someone new, but it turns out he is seeing two girls and she's not happy at all.
I have been constantly searching to heal my self during the relationship also but I did not realise I was depressed or having panic and anxiety attacks, I mainly took it out on her saying she wasn't smart enough for me or mature enough.
Only after the contrast of having her leave me do i know how much she really meant. I am fully open to the fact that I am probably going to have to move on, I just really want to help her and I know her well. I just feel like it could really work now I am open to my own emotions and how they have effected everything else around me.
I am always trying to improve as a person and this will make no difference to that other than I can help her be confident again. Its a little close to when we split up, I am worried that some of the problems could return, but now I am talking to people and being open so I'm sure they would be easier to deal with.

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I do agree mostly. I want her to be happy and i know she is not at all. At first I was happy for her it seemed she met someone new, but it turns out he is seeing two girls and she's not happy at all.
I have been constantly searching to heal my self during the relationship also but I did not realise I was depressed or having panic and anxiety attacks, I mainly took it out on her saying she wasn't smart enough for me or mature enough.
Only after the contrast of having her leave me do i know how much she really meant. I am fully open to the fact that I am probably going to have to move on, I just really want to help her and I know her well. I just feel like it could really work now I am open to my own emotions and how they have effected everything else around me.
I am always trying to improve as a person and this will make no difference to that other than I can help her be confident again. Its a little close to when we split up, I am worried that some of the problems could return, but now I am talking to people and being open so I'm sure they would be easier to deal with.

Yeah, i get it, because I've been there. Losing her has caused all these emotional reactions in you to bubble to the surface and now that you are aware of them and are working through them, you think things would be different if you were able to get back with her. And you want her to see that you are different and give it another shot, just so you can prove that it is different.

At least that's been my experience before, and it sounds like it's very similar to yours.

But here's the thing man, anytime you ask the question "How can I win her back?" you're already operating on that old mindset. The new emotions and working through them are being used by that old mindset of yours as more reason to latch onto her.

And I'm saying, that if you'd really like to work through these emotions, then let her go with love and focus on healing yourself. Don't try to "win her back." Let her choose you. Or let her choose not to with you. That's the difference that makes the difference.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

Please I need help like some psychological stuff to help her trust me again. I know she loves me but its a trust thing :-(

Why would she trust you, when you so clearly don't trust her?

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why would she trust you, when you so clearly don't trust her?

I do trust her sorry if I didn't make sense.
I guess in a way I didn't trust her because I kept pointing a finger at her, but she was the only one close enough too me to do that to.

[DominicJackson]

And I'm saying, that if you'd really like to work through these emotions, then let her go with love and focus on healing yourself. Don't try to "win her back." Let her choose you. Or let her choose not to with you. That's the difference that makes the difference.

You are totally right dude! Yeah I guess I was just getting desperate today I miss her so much and realising all this stuff just makes me miss her more because she used to try so hard to support me and help me through things, poor sweet, she just got everything thrown back in her face, every time. :-(
Part of it is me wanting to change the past too which I know is wrong, I just wish I could redeem myself. No such thing as time travel though.

I like the idea of her choosing I am just so scared that I screwed it up so badly its definitely over. I know she loves me too which makes it hard, i just want to grab her and kiss her like in the old movies where they resist but then give in to their urges? lol ah well focusing on getting better inside myself is good idea and I am trying but do keep distracting myself. I really want to stop smoking cigarettes and marijuana they are not helping me at all, my health is just awfull and my mind is too. I'm only 26 but I feel like an old man!

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

You are totally right dude! Yeah I guess I was just getting desperate today I miss her so much and realising all this stuff just makes me miss her more because she used to try so hard to support me and help me through things, poor sweet, she just got everything thrown back in her face, every time. :-(
Part of it is me wanting to change the past too which I know is wrong, I just wish I could redeem myself. No such thing as time travel though.

I like the idea of her choosing I am just so scared that I screwed it up so badly its definitely over. I know she loves me too which makes it hard, i just want to grab her and kiss her like in the old movies where they resist but then give in to their urges? lol ah well focusing on getting better inside myself is good idea and I am trying but do keep distracting myself. I really want to stop smoking cigarettes and marijuana they are not helping me at all, my health is just awfull and my mind is too. I'm only 26 but I feel like an old man!

What about your health is awful?

What about your mind is awful?

What else makes you feel like an old man?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I do trust her sorry if I didn't make sense.
I guess in a way I didn't trust her because I kept pointing a finger at her, but she was the only one close enough too me to do that to.

I don't get that you trust her even a little bit:

I am really worried she is just going to go crazy after feeling rejected fr so long and get really drunk and sleep around and do stuff she will really regret.

I want her to be happy and i know she is not at all.

Trusting her, after she's told you she needs to heal from your mistreatment of her, means allowing her to take her own right actions, even if they don't lead to her being in the state YOU want her to be in.

Also, in your other thread, you said that you STILL don't trust her, not in so many words, to be your intellectual equal.

You broke up with her eight times! You demonstrated over and over again that you don't trust her to be right for you, and that you don't trust yourself to either make a real commitment to her or to do the kind thing and let her go with love. What have you done to clean that up? In your two threads, you haven't mentioned what you've done to clean up that mess.

You say that you want her back, but it seems to be all about you and what you'll get out of her coming back; you haven't said anything at all here about a commitment to being a kind, generous, loving, giving partner for her. I don't think she's going to trust you just because you want her to trust you, so that you can win her back.

[DominicJackson]

hi thank you for our strong words. you are totally right angela. I am a commited and giving person, i am very compassionate and thought full. I have no idea how i could loose myself so much. I want to be a great boyfriends for her and give her confidence that i took away. I really want to help her, i wish I could have trusted her. i guess i was thinkin of trust in a commited way not as in accepting her for who she is was, in that way no i didn't trust her. I just can't help feeling there is a strong bond between us and miss her all the time even though I was at war inside myself the whole time and only enjoyed parts. i used to look at her and think " oh god you are just the sort of girl I want to love" but i just never felt like that about her and it tore her apart everytime i said I wasn't in love with her.

[DominicJackson]

What about your health is awful?

What about your mind is awful?

What else makes you feel like an old man?

I have mild impotence, cysts on testicles, aching prostate, leaking urine, no sex drive, pain in lungs, eyes and around crotch when I urinate sometimes.

I am in a constant negative thought process, i have no self esteem, I get very irritable and selfish sometimes. I am pretty obsessed with my problems and always thinking about how pathetic I am. I lost my creativity and fun loving nature.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

h i used to look at her and think " oh god you are just the sort of girl I want to love" but i just never felt like that about her and it tore her apart everytime i said I wasn't in love with her.

So, what's different now? What have you changed or are you changing about your self from how you used to be that would make you a good boyfriend for this woman?

[MidasGirl]

Well, it's a good lesson to learn Dominic. If you abuse somebody long enough, they probably will eventually find the courage to get up and leave you to your antics. Sometimes the damage done can be too much to ever go back. It very well maybe so in your case.

I get the feeling you're more concerned about how much you are hurting than about how she might get hurt by moving on. What is to tell you that you won't mistreat her again if she comes back into your life? If you've truly changed, then you're going to respect her wishes to be out of your life, and perhaps hope to she will one day have the will to give you a second chance. Sometimes we forget that people CAN move on and meet people who are more, much more incredible than us. She might even already have found someone that treats he like the princess that she is, you can't know that for sure. I know that my ex-boyfriend thinks he's the best thing that happened to me since sliced bread, even though he treated me like **** towards the end of the relationship. But if he met who I'm with now he'd be like, "what? You found somebody that not only talks it, but actually treats you like a princess?" It's a bummer, but always a good life lesson on how to treat people.

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I have mild impotence, cysts on testicles, aching prostate, leaking urine, no sex drive, pain in lungs, eyes and around crotch when I urinate sometimes.

I am in a constant negative thought process, i have no self esteem, I get very irritable and selfish sometimes. I am pretty obsessed with my problems and always thinking about how pathetic I am. I lost my creativity and fun loving nature.

Do you think that all this stuff give you a narrow view on what or who can make you happy?

Have you considered that the reason why this "strong bond" exists between is because you created it in order to cope with all these health issues you have? That if you lose this girl, that you might not get another one because you've lost your creativity and fun loving nature? So, losing her, to you, means that you are going to be alone with all these problems?

[DominicJackson]

I think you guys maybe getting slightly wrong idea. I have felt like nothing for years, I know she will find someone much nicer and better than me in every way. I just don't think she'll find someone with as much in common or the bond we seem to have, like we are brother and sister. I am totally concerned about how SHE feels. I know I have messed her up really badly and she is a very venerable person anyway. i just feel like if she had a chance to be happy with me and be treated right she would see that I didn't mistreat her out of a selfish ego building thing, like I thought I was all macho and bragging to my mates, it was really the opposite. I never felt like I deserved any of the love she gave me, when she would say "I love you" I would always be like "why?". A specially after the first few times I let her down and dumped her then I could see even less reason for her loving me.

Angela: I am making massive changes, I isolated myself for years so now I am going out and socializing all the time with good old friends who know both me and my ex. I have made peace with my ex's friends including my other ex which I got involved during the relationship. I am going to see a councillor and am seeing my urologist and doctor about my health problems, I started Mauy Thai kick boxing for discipline and motivation and confidence.
I stopped slagging everyone off and judging people all the time and am trying to be open minded and patient. This is all stuff I only started doing since my ex left me.

You are all right to a degree and I need to hear the things your saying, so thank you :-) x

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by James81

Do you think that all this stuff give you a narrow view on what or who can make you happy?

Have you considered that the reason why this "strong bond" exists between is because you created it in order to cope with all these health issues you have? That if you lose this girl, that you might not get another one because you've lost your creativity and fun loving nature? So, losing her, to you, means that you are going to be alone with all these problems?

possibly, and I did have thoughts that i could do better for myself but i wrote these off as being ego and kept trying to enjoy what i had. which failed.
I really do know we are well suited, we are like the same blueprint. But sometimes things that should work on paper don't in real life right? I don't know man! I know I have had similar problems with all my other girlfriends but never quit the bond I had with her. i think if i wasn't that close I couldn't have acted like i did and with the low self esteem probably would have ran away rather than hidden behind.

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I stopped slagging everyone off and judging people all the time and am trying to be open minded and patient.

So, when are you going to stop doing that to yourself?

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I know I have had similar problems with all my other girlfriends

What is the common denominator here?

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I never felt like I deserved any of the love she gave me, when she would say "I love you" I would always be like "why?". A specially after the first few times I let her down and dumped her then I could see even less reason for her loving me.

So what is the reason you see for her to love you now?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I am making massive changes, I isolated myself for years so now I am going out and socializing all the time with good old friends who know both me and my ex. I have made peace with my ex's friends including my other ex which I got involved during the relationship. I am going to see a councillor and am seeing my urologist and doctor about my health problems, I started Mauy Thai kick boxing for discipline and motivation and confidence.
I stopped slagging everyone off and judging people all the time and am trying to be open minded and patient. This is all stuff I only started doing since my ex left me.

That's all great, congratulations! And... look at it from HER point of view -- how would any of these changes motivate her to trust and love you? It's a great thing that you're making changes that inspire you, but what about changes that would inspire HER?

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by James81

So, when are you going to stop doing that to yourself?

I have a habit of being really hard on people, myself included, but I can't just let this go I have to sort it out because I never made such a huge mistake ever before. I've never hurt anyone like this before and I will be damned if there's a chance I will ever do this again! So I want to work out the problems which means i am reflecting on some of the negative stuff I have done and which i am capable of. I know it wasn't me so I am not taking it to personally.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by James81

What is the common denominator here?

I just find whatever negative thing I can about the girl and keep magnifying it till its all I focus on. Nobodies perfect so each girl friend will end up in the firing line of my ego. Even if I love her unquestionably.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

So what is the reason you see for her to love you now?

because after splitting up with me I could see how much happpier I was in most ways. she anchored me. even though I was depressed I emotionally abused the situation to hide from the depression. Of course she made me happy I just couldn't appreciate it :-(

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I just find whatever negative thing I can about the girl and keep magnifying it till its all I focus on. Nobodies perfect so each girl friend will end up in the firing line of my ego. Even if I love her unquestionably.

That's the kind of change I was asking about -- what are you doing to address your habitual negative thought pattern, the one that has you doing that?

Simply recognizing the pattern is helpful, but I don't think that your conscious recognition that you were happier with her is enough to break you out of your pattern, do you?

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's all great, congratulations! And... look at it from HER point of view -- how would any of these changes motivate her to trust and love you? It's a great thing that you're making changes that inspire you, but what about changes that would inspire HER?

You are most wise! Yes I am trying to twist my selfish mind to think of others needs without much thought to my own as mine are really reflected in those around me and the general state of health of my social, physical and psychological worlds.
I think she wants me to leave her alone but I think that part of her still loves me and likes to imagine it working but she can't let herself get back into the state of mind and heart which allowed her to be hurt so much. She told me what she wants, she said she wants to see me confident and happy, she wants to hang out with me and her friends (including the one I got involved with during our relationship (she is an ex also)).

I know this but still feel like there is a chance we could just get back together on track, she had forgiven me for so much near the end of our relationship, I spent so much money and time picking out really nice gifts trying to show her I cared without having to deal with the intimacy anxiety and pressure I felt from her love, it was actually getting a lot better but then the anxiety and judgement crept in again and soon enough I was kicking her out at 12 at night because I couldn't handle her sleeping next to me. She wanted me to go to her graduation ceremony and I said I didn't feel like I deserved it and that was the last straw for her, it was the most important thing in her life and I was to busy thinking about how terrified of her dad and family I was after mistreating her so much, to man up and be proud.

Another thing I did! I managed to make it to her final degree show and show my support, trying to show her I do care and want to be there for her!

[joelr]

Do you know why you have lung pain? If not and it's a recent thing you should make sure it's not a blood clot that traveled to the lung - a common reason for sudden lung pain. It's easy to treat with meds but before treatment starts it's very dangerous.
Can happen at any age, usually from a clot in the leg that formed from an injury or airplane travel.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's the kind of change I was asking about -- what are you doing to address your habitual negative thought pattern, the one that has you doing that?

Simply recognizing the pattern is helpful, but I don't think that your conscious recognition that you were happier with her is enough to break you out of your pattern, do you?

Well i'm going to see a councillor, and I'm looking at Neural Linguistic Programming and how i can get control of my mind so i have the power to do what i really want to do not what I am told by the world or society. Trying to keep control of my thought processes and steer them onto productive trains. Accepting my friends and family and the life I lead I need to stop thinking everything is better somewhere else. I did that with my ex, felt like I was stuck and could find some perfect girl who was really intellectual and spiritual. I don't see why that should have stopped me enjoying and loving the time i had with my ex. i knew i really wanted to enjoy having a youthful fun girlfriend who i shared everything with, we were also very sexually compatible liking all the same stuff even our most intimate sexual fantasies were the same.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by joelr

Do you know why you have lung pain? If not and it's a recent thing you should make sure it's not a blood clot that traveled to the lung - a common reason for sudden lung pain. It's easy to treat with meds but before treatment starts it's very dangerous.
Can happen at any age, usually from a clot in the leg that formed from an injury or airplane travel.

I don't think its that severe. Its more a dull aching feeling that seems to travel from my lungs to my front of neck then brain. I think its all just caused from bad blood circulation maybe.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I don't think its that severe. Its more a dull aching feeling that seems to travel from my lungs to my front of neck then brain. I think its all just caused from bad blood circulation maybe.

And what might be your medical qualification behind that diagnosis?

Not trying to be rude, but lung pain moving to the neck and brain sounds like quite an alarming symptom to me. I know our bodies are marvellous, self-healing things, but you might want to get it checked out by a professional. Pain is there for a reason - it's an alert that all is not well with your body. Anyone who has had to deal with a serious or chronic health problem will tell you that your good health is your most precious asset and that it is really easy to take for granted.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

because after splitting up with me I could see how much happpier I was in most ways. she anchored me. even though I was depressed I emotionally abused the situation to hide from the depression. Of course she made me happy I just couldn't appreciate it :-(

This is the reason you see for her to love you now? Are you kidding me???

You're saying that you rejected her love because of you were dealing with issues of low sense of worth, and yet all I see is you giving reasons as to why her love benefits you. Not once have I seen you talk about how you are "worthy" of her love. Which leads me to believe you still feel "unworthy".

Even if she did come back running to you right now, you wouldn't be able to accept her love fully (not in the long term anyway) and you'd be back to square 1 where you reject her love, cuz it isn't about her, it's about you.

What is it about you makes you lovable?