How to get ex back after I hurt her so much

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I have a habit of being really hard on people, myself included, but I can't just let this go I have to sort it out because I never made such a huge mistake ever before. I've never hurt anyone like this before and I will be damned if there's a chance I will ever do this again! So I want to work out the problems which means i am reflecting on some of the negative stuff I have done and which i am capable of. I know it wasn't me so I am not taking it to personally.

You've got it backwards. You're not hard on yourself because you are hard on other people. You are hard on other people because you are hard on yourself. I assert that when you stop judging YOURSELF, you'll stop judging other people as well. Things start on the inside of us and they spring out of us.

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I just find whatever negative thing I can about the girl and keep magnifying it till its all I focus on. Nobodies perfect so each girl friend will end up in the firing line of my ego. Even if I love her unquestionably.

I was going to say that the common denominator is YOU.

Consider the idea that you are seeking out negative things in girls because you see them in yourself.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

This is the reason you see for her to love you now? Are you kidding me???

You're saying that you rejected her love because of you were dealing with issues of low sense of worth, and yet all I see is you giving reasons as to why her love benefits you. Not once have I seen you talk about how you are "worthy" of her love. Which leads me to believe you still feel "unworthy".

Even if she did come back running to you right now, you wouldn't be able to accept her love fully (not in the long term anyway) and you'd be back to square 1 where you reject her love, cuz it isn't about her, it's about you.

What is it about you makes you lovable?

Yeah thats bad. i want her to b happy, she loved me beyond because she makes me happy. i am worthy because i am a caring nice person essentially, we are made for eachother in a lot of ways, and I am worthy because she needs me to undo some of the emotional scaring I have caused her. I would feel like a good person and so would she if we could just relax together and see this finally work out.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by James81

You've got it backwards. You're not hard on yourself because you are hard on other people. You are hard on other people because you are hard on yourself. I assert that when you stop judging YOURSELF, you'll stop judging other people as well. Things start on the inside of us and they spring out of us.



I was going to say that the common denominator is YOU.

Consider the idea that you are seeking out negative things in girls because you see them in yourself.

yeah i think you are right and i get it from my mum, she is very hard and disciplined looking down on weakness instead of being understanding :-(

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

yeah i think you are right and i get it from my mum, she is very hard and disciplined looking down on weakness instead of being understanding :-(

Yeah, we tend to take on the issues from our parents and make them our own, and then we just pass them on to our kids as if they are reality.

So you feel weak? Why?

[DominicJackson]

because i feel like i havent achieved anything that great or I'm not even on the path to get there. I always feel like i can do better than what I have. ego?

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

ego?

Gremlin.

[180]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

because i feel like i havent achieved anything that great or I'm not even on the path to get there. I always feel like i can do better than what I have. ego?

There's a lot of research into these feelings in contemporary psychology. It's one of the deeper questions I'm doing research on to find the answers to, but generally there is an accepted answer to this origin:


This feeling brews from the ideas of media, society, and our parents.

Since children we've been instilled with values of becoming "successful".
Meaning we must "make something of ourselves". It's sort of training mixed in with our own instinctual desires.

As humans, our brains are built to survive. So the way we think and our thought processes are designed to go after these sort of lofty goals of success. We always want more. Greed is the program we are constantly running in our brains.

But we neither have a clear idea of what success is or how to get there.

So imagine this poor child, told throughout their lives they need to make more money, need to be smarter, need to have many friends, and high status.

But all these things are completely subjective. You probably have money now, are smart to some degree, and have friends or SOME kind of status. It's highly relative. Compared to dying people making a living by killing for diamonds. We have a big head start. But our families keep ushering for more and more.

So throughout our lives most of feel inadequate because we are measured by these standards. If you aren't a millionaire you're nothing. We tend to think those people are more important. And if you are a child who's worth was appraised by their grades you'll feel this way. What parent HASN'T measured their children's worth by their grades? So we begin to attribute our own status or our own self worth to our grades, or achievements.

It becomes the source of our own self esteem and why it's so negative in so many people.

More to talk but I'm busting out of my workplace now.





NINJA SKILLS

[crueDeys25]

Actually, it's a matter of time. If time had already given it's way to the process, there will be a possibility of acceptance and reconciliation and eventually, committing again.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by crueDeys25

Actually, it's a matter of time. If time had already given it's way to the process, there will be a possibility of acceptance and reconciliation and eventually, committing again.

you really think so? I am going through the no contact thing that everyone was telling me but I did text terrorize her for a while. I feel that she totally misunderstood from my actions who wouldn't when she split with me she assumed I would be fine and get on with my life. She thinks I don't really care and will move on and be happy with someone else and she was the problem! So I think its important she knows I'm here for her but I am happy we have split up and am a willing friends because i understand from her perspective. I have to keep my distance emotionally and let her miss me (if there is any chance of that) but also let her know I'm here and care so deeply.

Sound about right?
I really need help, I want to be considerate and caring and stop thinking about my needs and fears, I want to follow the path being laid out before me but I'm so scared, my career the relationships i have with friends and romance. It scares the crap out of me!

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by 180

There's a lot of research into these feelings in contemporary psychology. It's one of the deeper questions I'm doing research on to find the answers to, but generally there is an accepted answer to this origin:


This feeling brews from the ideas of media, society, and our parents.

Since children we've been instilled with values of becoming "successful".
Meaning we must "make something of ourselves". It's sort of training mixed in with our own instinctual desires.

As humans, our brains are built to survive. So the way we think and our thought processes are designed to go after these sort of lofty goals of success. We always want more. Greed is the program we are constantly running in our brains.

But we neither have a clear idea of what success is or how to get there.

So imagine this poor child, told throughout their lives they need to make more money, need to be smarter, need to have many friends, and high status.

But all these things are completely subjective. You probably have money now, are smart to some degree, and have friends or SOME kind of status. It's highly relative. Compared to dying people making a living by killing for diamonds. We have a big head start. But our families keep ushering for more and more.

So throughout our lives most of feel inadequate because we are measured by these standards. If you aren't a millionaire you're nothing. We tend to think those people are more important. And if you are a child who's worth was appraised by their grades you'll feel this way. What parent HASN'T measured their children's worth by their grades? So we begin to attribute our own status or our own self worth to our grades, or achievements.

It becomes the source of our own self esteem and why it's so negative in so many people.

More to talk but I'm busting out of my workplace now.





NINJA SKILLS

Is it possible to be happy with everytihng I have? Wow just asking that makes me happier it seems like such a stupid question.

The thing that scares me is that if I get rid of my ambitions (to an extent) and my judgments who am I? Just the positive aspects of my personalitliy? I feel stupid just being agreable all the time when I am an instigator I like to question and poke things I want things to be better and get fed up with everything. I can't believe I lost some one like that, the most caring person I ever met.

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

What is it about you makes you lovable?

I see someone unsatisfied with his current situation and doing the best things he can think of right now to bring a sense of balance to his life. I think that is so beautiful! What could be more lovable then a human being that actually wants to be happy? That wants his life to work? To me there is nothing more lovable then a person who wants to be happy with their life. I see the light in their eyes. The sense of ease that they wish to be experiencing. The sense of fulfillment and relaxation that they would be enjoying so much right now but at the moment it seems so inaccessible.

In this moment it seems as if a relationship will bring him contentment, and so he is seeking to create that and it isn't going well.

Relationships cannot bring happiness. They can bring a temporary relief from a feeling of being separate and alone. Isn't that feeling of relief beautiful? That feeling that I can relax a little bit because someone else loves me? Even if it is so temporary...

I think you should go on suffering until you find the perfect situation that provides a temporary sense of relief.

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

The thing that scares me is that if I get rid of my ambitions (to an extent) and my judgments who am I?

YES!

That is the *right* question!

Would you like to answer it?

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by AaronB

I see someone unsatisfied with his current situation and doing the best things he can think of right now to bring a sense of balance to his life. I think that is so beautiful! What could be more lovable then a human being that actually wants to be happy? That wants his life to work? To me there is nothing more lovable then a person who wants to be happy with their life. I see the light in their eyes. The sense of ease that they wish to be experiencing. The sense of fulfillment and relaxation that they would be enjoying so much right now but at the moment it seems so inaccessible.

In this moment it seems as if a relationship will bring him contentment, and so he is seeking to create that and it isn't going well.

Relationships cannot bring happiness. They can bring a temporary relief from a feeling of being separate and alone. Isn't that feeling of relief beautiful? That feeling that I can relax a little bit because someone else loves me? Even if it is so temporary...

I think you should go on suffering until you find the perfect situation that provides a temporary sense of relief.

thank you wish I could be as opimistic :-)
I dont just want happiness from the relationship i want to do the RIGHT thing. whatever that is, mybe my judgment is not so good I just miss and love the girl and I know i can make her so happy and she can join me on my spiritual journey.
And why does it have to be a constant struggle and only temporary relief? i just want to be happy its just my concept of happiness has changed to a spiritual one and that is so hard to get right :-(

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by James81

YES!

That is the *right* question!

Would you like to answer it?

I don't know man, i feel so lost and confused, lots of things that are meant to make me feel nice make me worse. just ate a bbig meal and feel really depressed now. Eating used to trigger my stress attacks.

I am Dominic bringer of the light. how about that? it made me feel better saying it, I just want to DO IT!

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I don't know man, i feel so lost and confused, lots of things that are meant to make me feel nice make me worse. just ate a bbig meal and feel really depressed now. Eating used to trigger my stress attacks.

I am Dominic bringer of the light. how about that? it made me feel better saying it, I just want to DO IT!

I like that. "Dominic, bringer of the light," coming down from the mountain with light in his hands and a fire in his heart. An all consuming bath of light and warmth, bathing the people who surrounds him in it's rejuvinating energy.

You feel lost and confused and depressed, but you recognize now that if you were to let go of all that, you could be Dominic, bringer of the light. What do you think is more effective? Being lost, confused, and depressed? Or to be a shiny beacon of light that pierces the darkness?

[180]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

Is it possible to be happy with everytihng I have? Wow just asking that makes me happier it seems like such a stupid question.

The thing that scares me is that if I get rid of my ambitions (to an extent) and my judgments who am I? Just the positive aspects of my personalitliy? I feel stupid just being agreable all the time when I am an instigator I like to question and poke things I want things to be better and get fed up with everything. I can't believe I lost some one like that, the most caring person I ever met.

Well it's possible that you will meet someone else "better" or even more caring.

There are girls just like her.

I used to think my ex was unique, but the more and more girls I know and date they all end up... the same. There are minor difference between them but essentially the same.


As for your depressed feelings. That's normal. It takes a while. Is this your first breakup? It gets a lot easier. The first one is the diploma. After that you graduate and become a real man lol.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by James81

I like that. "Dominic, bringer of the light," coming down from the mountain with light in his hands and a fire in his heart. An all consuming bath of light and warmth, bathing the people who surrounds him in it's rejuvinating energy.

You feel lost and confused and depressed, but you recognize now that if you were to let go of all that, you could be Dominic, bringer of the light. What do you think is more effective? Being lost, confused, and depressed? Or to be a shiny beacon of light that pierces the darkness?

yes I know I want to let go but how? i feel like I need some spiritual tutoring, meditation techniques, just help in general. Its like I know all this stuff but can't get my head round it. or even accept it. :-(
I want to be happy, why do I have to struggle through all this rubbish, it should be getting easyer not harder?

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by 180

Well it's possible that you will meet someone else "better" or even more caring.

There are girls just like her.

I used to think my ex was unique, but the more and more girls I know and date they all end up... the same. There are minor difference between them but essentially the same.


As for your depressed feelings. That's normal. It takes a while. Is this your first breakup? It gets a lot easier. The first one is the diploma. After that you graduate and become a real man lol.

not my first, but my first where I actually wanted it to work, somehow that made me act in a worse way and make it fail. ?? I am lucky that i was not able to "fall in love" because it would have hurt ten times more, but this is a life lesson on a spiritual level not just a relationship, its about my relationship with myself and the world around me.

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

yes I know I want to let go but how?

I liked your other question better:

if I get rid of my ambitions (to an extent) and my judgments who am I?

Those three words carry a lot of power with them..."Who am I?"

Transformation is the sum total of incremental choices. Or to put it another way, if you keep choosing something long enough it will add up in a big way. Sometimes we keep choosing things that leave us powerless...and in any one moment, that will have little effect on us. But if we keep choosing that thing over and over again, it will have profound effects on us.

I assert that you keep choosing the feeling of being powerless in your life. And that you've done that, repititiously, for so long that you have simply forgotten how to choose something else (although you DO recognize that you COULD be "Dominic, Bringer of the Light" if you were to choose it).

So, another great question to ask yourself is: "what does choosing the feeling of being powerless mean about who I am?"

Go ahead, ask yourself that question and see what kind of answer you produce (and recognize that in asking the question, you've called on your own power to produce an answer ).

[DominicJackson]

it means I'm a *****? or I have forgotten how to choose a feeling of power? or I am ill and need to find out why to cure myself and I will feel better, like a hormonal imbalance or something because i do have symptoms of something going wrong. But I know its all combined, mental and physical..... But you can only control your health with your mind to a certain extent right? other factors like eating, smoking and drinking are more important..

[James81]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

it means I'm a *****? or I have forgotten how to choose a feeling of power?

I don't know what the starred out word is, but what does THAT mean about who you are?

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

or I am ill and need to find out why to cure myself and I will feel better, like a hormonal imbalance or something because i do have symptoms of something going wrong. But I know its all combined, mental and physical..... But you can only control your health with your mind to a certain extent right? other factors like eating, smoking and drinking are more important..

This is your trying to blame your circumstances on things that are out of your control. As long as you do that, you're going to feel powerless. Can you see why that is?

When you are bringing change into your life, practice focusing only on the things that you have the power to influence, and ignore the rest (whether you think it's true or not).

[DominicJackson]

Transformation is the sum total of incremental choices. Or to put it another way, if you keep choosing something long enough it will add up in a big way. Sometimes we keep choosing things that leave us powerless...and in any one moment, that will have little effect on us. But if we keep choosing that thing over and over again, it will have profound effects on us.

I think this is so true, I see how I have taught myself to hate and be scared through many many small mistakes...

[DominicJackson]

so barely spoke and was pretty nervous but saw her last night. It kinda re inforced that I do love her, she is by far the best looking girl I have seen and lovelyu in every way. She kept looking at me the whole night and Was very quick to stand up and say goodbye when I was even leaving. I know I shouldn't read to much into it but I know there is something there, I am in love with her and not sure what to do. I have to let our fate decide I guess but any advice to hurry it up? lol Not sure what to do.
When I spoke to her step mum she said that she kept saying "but he's not in love with me" when she was trying to reason with her about us. I did say I wasn't in love with her the whole relationship but mainly because I didn't even know what love was I was so caught up in my own madness. I don't know what to do, we are still talking an a few days ago she said we would meet up for a cup of tea. Keep it cool? Or tell her I am in love with her?
any help would be much appreciated. Thank you