Wanting to do everything together

[mtrimpe]

I have a very simple question. I want to do everything together with my partner. I want to have the same goals, get up together, party together, do everything together with my partner. My partner however doesn't really share this ambition of togetherness.

Do you think it's OK to want this, or is this naive?

[JHL]

Its understandable to want this closeness and to share everything with your partner. And, indeed, most couples probably do this to a degree at the early stage of their relationship.

But the reality is that you are two independent people choosing to live together in a union.

You will share some tastes and interests, but not all. If two people are doing everything together all of the time - I wager a lot of compromising is being done.

Everyone at some point needs their space. Some people need more than others. Love means freedom - giving a person freedom to chose their own way, to stretch their wings.

I love my g/f and love spending time with her. But every now and again I really need some space - some JHL time. Then when I see her again (like after a few hours), its like falling in love all over again. Sigh

So to answer you question - its a lovely thing that you want to spend all your time with your partner - but its a very healthy thing to both have time for yourselves.

[RT Wolf]

It isn't just naive, it seems a bit misguided to me. Wanting to be close to another person and do stuff together is admirable, however you might want to ask yourself if you're not dependant on the other person. Just a shot in the dark, here, but you might think of that.

I think the most effective belief in this case is what JHL said. You are indeed two independant people choosing to share a part of themselves. You don't have to do everything together.

[Beautiful Future]

I suspect I'd go crazy if I had to spend all my time with my partner (okay, crazier ) and he probably would too. I think you have to strike a balance, and then make the very most of the time on either side - cherish the time you spend together, and relish the time you spend apart. In my view, a relationship is a lot less likely to stagnate if you're both frequently putting something new into it gathered from your experiences out in the wider world doing your own thing.

[Erin Pavlina]

In the beginning of a relationship a lot of couples love spending all their time together. But I can tell you that after 13 years of being with the same person you realize you can do things separately and it doesn't diminish your closeness.

Like JHL mentioned, if you do everything together you will likely be compromising a lot.

Steve and I have learned that we do not NEED to share all the same interests in order to have a loving, healthy relationship.

I like chick flicks and he doesn't. So I go see them alone or with a girlfriend. He likes to hike and I don't. So sometimes he goes hiking alone. He's happy and I'm happy. I would be miserable hiking, and he would be uninterested in watching the chick flick. So we release each other to those things happily.

Now, if your girlfriend doesn't want to do anything that you want to do, then there might be a compatibility issue there. Some hobbies and interests in common are necessary.

[bellbird]

If you want this togetherness of course you can, because it is your choice. However I agree with Erin -that having been together with my partner for 14.5 years- that our relationship seems to be working best when we pursue our own interests/hobbies etc, eventhough we might be able to do some joint ones like hiking , but that we have the same overall goals like what we are working towards and our deep down believes etc.

One friend of mine described it like this: in a partnership you are not half of a circle, because then one half would tumble down if the other half went in a different direction. Instead if you 'see' yourself as one circle, you would make that own circle stand, choosing to entertwine with another circle if you wanted to (partner). But on your own you are still stable and (hopefully) happy. Well you get the idea and I have found that to be true.
PS: I wouldn't be happy with a partner either who wanted to do everything what I did or vice versa, it seems too klingy and 'pitbull smoking syndromy' to me... (no offence, you know what I mean)

[mtrimpe]

OK, I understand all that. There is something in me however that says if you can't do everything together then you haven't found your true soulmate yet.

I think it's because I'm not talking so much about physical closeness, I am more talking about pursuing the same ideals; closeness in purpose.

When I'm working and my partner is too, I can still feel like we are together, working towards an ideal of financial freedom. When my partner goes to the store and I go get videos, we are still together because we're both pursuing the goal of enjoying some together-time as soon as possible.

I guess I dream of a relationship where you can
A. Truly follow your own life purpose.
B. Where all the time you spend together is devoted to achieving the shared aspects of your purpose.
C. Where you strive for your a complete convergence of your mutual purpose.

--> so that you can spend all of your time together.

Does that make sense?

P.S. @RTWolf
Of course I am dependant, but so are you I believe.
I know how to be very independent and can do it very well.
I'm now actually in the process of figuring out how to become healthily interdependant.

[bellbird]

I see what you mean. I understand the:

I think it's because I'm not talking so much about physical closeness, I am more talking about pursuing the same ideals; closeness in purpose.

Good point. I have always found it hard to believe how two people can be together as a couple when they do not share the same deep down believes/goals in life. That doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

I guess I dream of a relationship where you can
A. Truly follow your own life purpose.
B. Where all the time you spend together is devoted to achieving the shared aspects of your purpose.
C. Where you strive for your a complete convergence of your mutual purpose.

I think you can do these things and not having to be together all the time. Your partner might be doing one thing and contributing in a sense to that joint purpose while you are exercising or whatever, keeping yourself healthy and happy and therefor in a tribute to self, tribute to you both. Oh well, it's just how you look at it I suppose?

[Angela]

I agree that romantic partnerships are best when you have core values in common, and goals you're striving toward together. In addition to those shared values and aims, wouldn't it be much more of a learning experience, not to mention more fun, if you and your partner also had goals that you don't share? Without separate efforts and experiences, I'm afraid things would get awfully tedious in a relationship.

Healthily interdependent doesn't mean spending all your time together, I don't think. In fact, that sounds horribly constricting. Where there's no freedom, there's no love.

[bellbird]

Bingo! True for me. No constricting please as it is boring and can be depressing. Ok, so being healthy interdependant without clingy stuff, each pursuing healthy goals but overlapping the 'big' ones to stay on same 'path'.
That'll do nicely

[ElizaJ]

I read a book called The Ten Laws of Lasting Love. It said that the marriages that stay together are the ones where the couples do everything together. Perhaps you should read it. Also, I feel the same way you do. Maybe you should dump your wife and come marry me instead. (Just kidding! - Couldn't resist! )