My husband is so negative

[mahazen]

My husband is so negative. He sees the bad in everything. When I point out that he is negative, and suggest that he be positive, he just says that he is being realistic. He will go from one topic to another then he directs it towards me. I can usually take it up to when he starts attacking me verbally. I try to walk away, but he follows, demanding a response. This always ends up in a huge fight. Just tonight we went to a friends viewing (he passed away and it was friends and family night.) He was mad at me for staying too long talking to family. So when we got in the blazer to leave, he made a snide negative remark about me trying to adopt myslef into the family. I was just trying to be helpful.

We also seem to be competing (with each other) all the time. He doesn't seem to let his guard, or show his real self around me anymore.

Is there anything that I can do for myself to learn how to deal?

What he says hurts, I even tell him that, and he tells me to deal.

Pls help.

[The Cloud]

What is it in you that is reacting to him negatively? He's obviously affecting some negativity in you that you have not faced or accepted, otherwise he would be all alone in feeling negative. There is a story about Buddha that I like.

A very angry man interrupted one of the Buddha's lectures and proceeded to verbally abuse him by hurling insults. The Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, "If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?" The man replied, "To the one who offered it." Buddha responded, "Then I decline your abuse and request you keep it for yourself.

To you this story probably sounds fantastic, because you cannot simply decline your husband's gift. You take abuse, as a gift, because you think it will help you or your relationship somehow. You will cease to accept negativity from your husband only when you understand that your relationship cannot be thusly reinforced. You know this logically, perhaps, but have not accepted in your heart that pain and guilt is not a connection worth having with another person.

You take what he gives, possibly because you want him to feel that you value the things that are his, even if they are negative. Perhaps you subconsciously feel that it would be cruel not to accept negativity from him, because then you would be saying the things he's giving have no value to you. You are accepting the thing that is driving you apart as a means of keeping you together, so the harder you try to keep together the further you are driven from him. He can hurt you only so long as you work against yourself.

[180]

Negativity has it's advantages,

There was a study done on negative people. They are much better decisions makers are more capable of handling crises.
They also prepared more than positive people.

Although, they are definite mood killers.

Just spend more time with your friends, try to avoid you husband lol.

People try to change negative people but frankly it's really hard. And he OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to change. So unless it's a total killer you probably need to accept it. Or divorce him if it bothers you too much.

I don't think it's a reasonable expectation to try to change his entire personality.

[elucidate]

People have said this about me as well in the past, and I also don't see it as being neg, just real. I know that I am a positive person in alot of ways...maybe your husband is too, but you are too focussed on his 'bad' aspects.

Most people like to bury their heads in the sand and not face things...and then call someone negative whenever they choose to actually look at the issues going on all around them instead of living in a fantasy world...where everything has to be happy and smiles and lollipops. That's not real IMO!

It sounds like he sees his way, of seeing things as they are, as being positive in the sense that he is not ignoring them, and gets annoyed that you choose to prefer the lighter stuff? Some people can handle the heavy stuff and other people prefer to keep everything superficial and light. He may see you as being naive? Which of you are right? You both are, to a degree.

Maybe you let it hurt you, because there are elements of truth to what he says, which you would prefer to not acknowledge? people don't like the truth.

Either way you are venting in negative ways about him right now, so, you have negativity in you just like everyone does.

Originally Posted by mahazen

My husband is so negative. He sees the bad in everything. When I point out that he is negative, and suggest that he be positive, he just says that he is being realistic. He will go from one topic to another then he directs it towards me. I can usually take it up to when he starts attacking me verbally. I try to walk away, but he follows, demanding a response. This always ends up in a huge fight. Just tonight we went to a friends viewing (he passed away and it was friends and family night.) He was mad at me for staying too long talking to family. So when we got in the blazer to leave, he made a snide negative remark about me trying to adopt myslef into the family. I was just trying to be helpful.

We also seem to be competing (with each other) all the time. He doesn't seem to let his guard, or show his real self around me anymore.

Is there anything that I can do for myself to learn how to deal?

What he says hurts, I even tell him that, and he tells me to deal.

Pls help.

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by mahazen

My husband is so negative. He sees the bad in everything. When I point out that he is negative, and suggest that he be positive, he just says that he is being realistic. He will go from one topic to another then he directs it towards me. I can usually take it up to when he starts attacking me verbally. I try to walk away, but he follows, demanding a response. This always ends up in a huge fight. Just tonight we went to a friends viewing (he passed away and it was friends and family night.) He was mad at me for staying too long talking to family. So when we got in the blazer to leave, he made a snide negative remark about me trying to adopt myslef into the family. I was just trying to be helpful.

We also seem to be competing (with each other) all the time. He doesn't seem to let his guard, or show his real self around me anymore.

Is there anything that I can do for myself to learn how to deal?

What he says hurts, I even tell him that, and he tells me to deal.

Pls help.

Hi.

Unfortunately, I experienced this very sort of bad negative stuff and rivalry, competition, etc, with my last girlfriend.

It is a very sad story but really, when it comes down to it, she was just a negative person who was, underneath it all, just selfish and maybe feeling a bit unloved by the world.

What these people really need is love. Although, you might have to ask yourself how exactly we are supposed to give them love.

I have heard to "not attack negativity, just avoid it" which seems like it would work out okay, except that I have strong feelings for one or two negative people. One, a lover, a few more, friends. Do you get what I am saying?

So you have to ask yourself.. Is your love enough to heal him? Can you even be that strong? And if you can, will it even be able to heal and change him??

If not, you may have to leave him.

There is no easy answer

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by mahazen

My husband is so negative. He sees the bad in everything. When I point out that he is negative, and suggest that he be positive, he just says that he is being realistic. He will go from one topic to another then he directs it towards me.

Up to here it sounds as if you are married to my husband!

Originally Posted by mahazen

I can usually take it up to when he starts attacking me verbally. I try to walk away, but he follows, demanding a response. This always ends up in a huge fight. Just tonight we went to a friends viewing (he passed away and it was friends and family night.) He was mad at me for staying too long talking to family. So when we got in the blazer to leave, he made a snide negative remark about me trying to adopt myslef into the family. I was just trying to be helpful.

We also seem to be competing (with each other) all the time. He doesn't seem to let his guard, or show his real self around me anymore.

Is there anything that I can do for myself to learn how to deal?

What he says hurts, I even tell him that, and he tells me to deal.

Pls help.

This doesn't sound as much as him. My husband, no matter how negative he is, always makes sure that I know that I'm loved by him and that I am the most important person in his life...

Anyway... advice to dealing with this:

Step 1. would be to own up to your own feelings and thoughts. It is not his comments that make you feel a certain way (bad, sad, hurt), it is your thoughts about those comments.

Step 2. would be to change your thoughts, or your perspective when he is making those comments. Make it about him, not about you, and it will not hurt you anymore

Step 3. would be to sit his ass down and establish some basic ground rules for communication. Such as,

a time out. When you feel getting emotional, ask for a time out to collect your thoughts (this can be 5 minutes, or 10 hours, or whatever you need)

No insults. He can say whatever he wants to say, without making it personal. He can tell you that he believes you are adjusting too much to your family and friends, without calling you a doormat.

Step 4. would be to realize that you are both individuals. If he doesn't want to stay too long for a viewing and you do (which is logical, because it is your family, not his), he can leave and you can stay. There is nothing wrong with that! Be individuals that do things together, but do not need to be each others twins to be happy.

Step 5. would be to think very long and hard yourself on where your boundaries are. How much are you willing to accept and forgive and deal with, and where do you say "this is it".

[sheffy4]

A lot of people are suggesting you just accept his behavior as "who he is" and that the problem is with you. I'm not sure I agree. I do agree that you can't force someone to change, but it sounds like this negativity is a somewhat recent development, which could signal a problem that your husband is having or a problem in your relationship. Unless you have been together only a short time, in which case he might finally be showing his true colors now that he doesn't "have" to impress you anymore.
But if you've been together for a long time...
What has changed in his life, or yours, or your relationship that might have triggered his change in behavior? He sounds like someone who used to have goals and dreams, and maybe they haven't happened, so he thinks that hoping and being positive is a waste of time.

[pyrogen]

I suggest you go look for a book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay" and decide if you really want to deal with this kind of behavior.

I'm less concerned with the fact that your husband has a pragmatic or pessimistic life view. That's a red herring.

This was what bothered me:

This always ends up in a huge fight. Just tonight we went to a friends viewing (he passed away and it was friends and family night.) He was mad at me for staying too long talking to family. So when we got in the blazer to leave, he made a snide negative remark about me trying to adopt myslef into the family. I was just trying to be helpful.

Generally speaking, you can't get this kind of disrespect to go away. You can have them shape up their behavior slightly, and they will for a little while, but it always comes back and the mistreatment usually gets worse over time and sometimes escalates into frank emotional abuse. Snideness isn't permissable, and it generally does not go away.

If you were in a longer marriage and this is a new development, that might be something worth looking into (what's changed in his life?) but if it's just how he is, and he's starting to be off of "good behavior" now that you're out of the honeymoon stage, then worry.

[Angelique]

I agree with Pyrogen. This guy sounds like an emotional bully unless there's something to the story that you aren't mentioning, such as any verbal provoking on your end or any life changes that he may be going through.

Maybe a good heart to heart talk when you are both calm would be good. If his behavior wasn't always like this I would question whether there was something deeper going on with him, like stress or some sort of dissatisfaction.

Also, if it is recent...has his health changed in any way? Is he on any new medications?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

Generally speaking, you can't get this kind of disrespect to go away. You can have them shape up their behavior slightly, and they will for a little while, but it always comes back and the mistreatment usually gets worse over time and sometimes escalates into frank emotional abuse. Snideness isn't permissable, and it generally does not go away.

I disagree here, in part.

You can't get this kind of disrespect to go away, but the other person who's doing it can change.

IF they are willing to admit that they are hurting you or others, and IF they are willing to have a hard look at themselves for the why.... they can change.

[ladybugs4me]

wow....sounds like something I have written. I have dealt and tried to figure my H out for many years and finally about 5 years ago figured out what it is. Go on internet and look up "Narcississtic Personality Disorder". Look around and read and look at signs for the above. If it sounds like your husband, get back to me.

How to deal with that, from experience, learn to acknowledge you can't change him, he will always be right, the negativity doesn't go away and gets worse as they get older (mine is 51). There is something wrong with everyone and everything with no exceptions.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by mahazen

My husband is so negative. He sees the bad in everything. When I point out that he is negative, and suggest that he be positive, he just says that he is being realistic. He will go from one topic to another then he directs it towards me. I can usually take it up to when he starts attacking me verbally. I try to walk away, but he follows, demanding a response. This always ends up in a huge fight. Just tonight we went to a friends viewing (he passed away and it was friends and family night.) He was mad at me for staying too long talking to family. So when we got in the blazer to leave, he made a snide negative remark about me trying to adopt myslef into the family. I was just trying to be helpful.

We also seem to be competing (with each other) all the time. He doesn't seem to let his guard, or show his real self around me anymore.

Is there anything that I can do for myself to learn how to deal?

What he says hurts, I even tell him that, and he tells me to deal.

Pls help.

this is probably not what you want to hear
but
been there..
done that ...
divorced now

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I disagree here, in part.

You can't get this kind of disrespect to go away, but the other person who's doing it can change.

IF they are willing to admit that they are hurting you or others, and IF they are willing to have a hard look at themselves for the why.... they can change.

It doesn't sound like he's open to change, though, since he completely disregards her feelings on how he treats her.

Originally Posted by mahazen

What he says hurts, I even tell him that, and he tells me to deal.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by 180

Negativity has it's advantages,

There was a study done on negative people. They are much better decisions makers are more capable of handling crises.
They also prepared more than positive people..

Are you sure about this? I just read an opposite study where negative people were less happy and successful.

Actually I shouldn't call it a study. It's an excerpt from the book Psycho-Cybernetics where the author discusses the effects of optimism and pessimism.

[elucidate]

I'm just curious to know how you would respond if the OP said he was on medication? Would you suggest she just ignore it and be compassionate, or would your reply be the same as here?

Originally Posted by Angelique

I agree with Pyrogen. This guy sounds like an emotional bully unless there's something to the story that you aren't mentioning, such as any verbal provoking on your end or any life changes that he may be going through.

Maybe a good heart to heart talk when you are both calm would be good. If his behavior wasn't always like this I would question whether there was something deeper going on with him, like stress or some sort of dissatisfaction.

Also, if it is recent...has his health changed in any way? Is he on any new medications?

[zenrealized]

Well maybe you should hurry up sometimes. If you're both there toghether you're forcing him to wait for you to "be helpful". If he's bored out of his mind maybe that should enter your mind to find that out. You're probably competing because you don't see the negative in anything. It's possible if you were to see that most things and people have huge defects and flaws and that the society is relentlessly trying to steal your money without regard that your husband might feel like you understood his perspective.

I'm sure your husband also sees the positive things too. It really depends on what type of negative things he is commenting about.

[elucidate]

I think there is something to this.

No one is "just negative" We are all a mix of both positive and 'negative' and there are far too many people running around afraid of negativity...without even thinking about the fact that it's GOOD to have a balanced viewpoint about things. Seeing the positive in everything and not seeing the 'bad' is a sure way of going through life with your eyes closed.

I personally think it's good to see both 'good' and 'bad' in the world, and recognising these two extremes in people as well.

There are always two sides to every story, and we're only hearing your negative feedback about him. I'm sure there are plenty of ways in which he displays positivity also.

Originally Posted by zenrealized

Well maybe you should hurry up sometimes. If you're both there toghether you're forcing him to wait for you to "be helpful". If he's bored out of his mind maybe that should enter your mind to find that out. You're probably competing because you don't see the negative in anything. It's possible if you were to see that most things and people have huge defects and flaws and that the society is relentlessly trying to steal your money without regard that your husband might feel like you understood his perspective.

I'm sure your husband also sees the positive things too. It really depends on what type of negative things he is commenting about.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'm just curious to know how you would respond if the OP said he was on medication? Would you suggest she just ignore it and be compassionate, or would your reply be the same as here?

If the change was caused by medication (for sure), I think it would be something important to talk to her husband and her husband's doctor about, if they have that kind of relationship with their health. Maybe seek alternative treatment. Be it different medication or something different altogether.

I've witnessed some horrible behavior changes that were a direct result of the medication the person was taking. It was hard to be around that person, especially afterwards, considering the nature of the situation.
I'm not a medical professional though so I can only think of what I would do in the same situation.

It wasn't all forgotten when we discovered what was wrong with that person. I still had to process those emotions and eventually I forgave them.

Medication is not a cop out though. Just something I wanted to add to consider. I think a lot of times the emotional/psychological issues are thought of as separate from nutrition and health, but they seem to be way more interrelated IMO.

[180]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

Are you sure about this? I just read an opposite study where negative people were less happy and successful.

Actually I shouldn't call it a study. It's an excerpt from the book Psycho-Cybernetics where the author discusses the effects of optimism and pessimism.

I went to search for the article and I didn't realize, it went as far back as November 2009 that I read this article.

I can't believe I still remember it. Jesus....
BBC NEWS | Health | Feeling grumpy 'is good for you'

Basically psychologists attribute negative people with better decisions. Which makes sense.

It's kind of like the flip side of confidence. Confidence can get you killed. I've seen it. We tend to think positivity and confidence are these things that we need more and more of.

But they can lead to bad decisions. We've all met someone overly confident . What was the outcome? Not good.

When I feel overly confident sometimes I walk over to a pretty girl. Her boyfriend unknowest to me has a sidearm (.45 caliber) and is ready to POP POP POP me in the head.

If I were overly positive maybe I would think that these bills in my mailbox are wonderful! I LOVE BILLS!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!! And I never pay them.

But overly negative people might get annoyed by EVERYTHING. And because they are so annoyed they do something about it. (sometimes what they do is complain). But they also tend to see where threats and potential problems can arise.

[Angela]

David Rock, writing about the findings of the findings of neuroscientists at the NeuroLeadership Institute in this book Your Brain At Work, says just the opposite -- that focusing on subtle threat takes up more of the space on your conscious "stage" -- those plus or minus 7 or so things that your conscious mind can deal with in any given moment -- than does focusing on subtle reward. The "positive" stuff simply doesn't take as much of your awareness, naturally, than would be needed if you were walking, say, in an area full of rattlesnakes -- or sticks that look to you like snakes -- so you have more inner resource available, assuming that there is no authentic threat present (like those rattlesnakes.)

So you're in a better mental frame to make choices that work well when you're focusing on the positive (subtle reward) than on the negative (subtle threat). The trick is accurately evaluating your environment, and telling the difference between authentic threat and anxiety.

[180]

Originally Posted by Angela

David Rock, writing about the findings of the findings of neuroscientists at the NeuroLeadership Institute in this book Your Brain At Work, says just the opposite -- that focusing on subtle threat takes up more of the space on your conscious "stage" -- those plus or minus 7 or so things that your conscious mind can deal with in any given moment -- than does focusing on subtle reward. The "positive" stuff simply doesn't take as much of your awareness, naturally, than would be needed if you were walking, say, in an area full of rattlesnakes -- or sticks that look to you like snakes -- so you have more inner resource available, assuming that there is no authentic threat present (like those rattlesnakes.)

So you're in a better mental frame to make choices that work well when you're focusing on the positive (subtle reward) than on the negative (subtle threat). The trick is accurately evaluating your environment, and telling the difference between authentic threat and anxiety.

I think it depends really.

For example, I'm not alarmed by loud random sounds. (Especially gunshots... maybe I played too many video games) but usually (and it's women most of the time) walking with me are like

"What's wrong with you, why don't you notice sounds"

I notice it, I'm just not alarmed nor turn my head.

This can be a problem. Let's say a 20 story sky scrapper was falling and I didn't move my head. I'm calm and fairly positive. So I think it's just a car crash. But I fall under the rubble of sky scapper. Splat, 180 is all over the street like kool aid.

On the flip side one could be insanely paranoid and negative. They would hear the sound and think OH **** a meteor is hitting the earth and run the hell down into the subway and be saved.

It really depends and any ONE mood is not beneficial to us. It's probably best to have the right mood and right attitude to the proper setting.

I don't think overly negative is bad. It's better than overly positive. We LIKE overly positive people. Why? because we feel everything is safe and ok. But at a time when everything is not safe or not ok, it can really be a problem.

Imagine crash landing on the andes mountain with the urguay soccer team. There's no food, everyone's starving to death, bodies everywhere, and the guy next to you says, look on the bright side.

Without a doubt in mind, he would be the first man I eat.

I mean, we don't want to be negative out all the time. if, for example, my jeans are too tight. I don't want freak out and be like... OH MY GOD! I"M JUST TOO FAT!!! MY PANTS TOO SMALL. WHERES THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PHONE! I"M CALLING JENNY CRAIG! HELLO OPERATOR? GET ME JENNY CRAIG.

Eh depends

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 180

It really depends and any ONE mood is not beneficial to us.

I don't consider it a matter of mood, but rather one of choice of focus. Where I choose to focus is not depending on mood, although it may be influenced by it.

Like in your Andes "Alive" scenario -- it's not a question of the guy saying, "Look on the bright side, everyone!" - but rather, the guy saying: "Let's look for a solution that will benefit us the most" -- as opposed to the guy who say: "Omygod, we're all gonna die!"

I think that people who choose to focus on solution consistently have more inner resources available to them to make a difference that works well for me. They feel better to me; I'd just rather have them in my orbit than problem-focusers.

That said, though, I don't think that pointing out to someone that they're being negative and suggesting that they be positive, as the OP said she'd done, is going to make much of a positive difference in her experience -- I think it's more likely to generate more of the same. As you mentioned, 180, the person who says "Buck up!" might be the first person you'd eat.

[elucidate]

Yes, I've experienced the same sort of behaviour from a friend I recently mentioned in a thread about bullies. He is on some pretty strong anti-depressant meds and I have a hard time telling whether it's just his personality or the drugs when he gets unpleasant? It can be VERY hard to be around someone like this. But it's easier to forgive them if you know that they are this way because of the meds and can see their circumstances are not the best.

Originally Posted by Angelique

If the change was caused by medication (for sure), I think it would be something important to talk to her husband and her husband's doctor about, if they have that kind of relationship with their health. Maybe seek alternative treatment. Be it different medication or something different altogether.

I've witnessed some horrible behavior changes that were a direct result of the medication the person was taking. It was hard to be around that person, especially afterwards, considering the nature of the situation.
I'm not a medical professional though so I can only think of what I would do in the same situation.

It wasn't all forgotten when we discovered what was wrong with that person. I still had to process those emotions and eventually I forgave them.

Medication is not a cop out though. Just something I wanted to add to consider. I think a lot of times the emotional/psychological issues are thought of as separate from nutrition and health, but they seem to be way more interrelated IMO.

[mns]

My husband is a very negative person,he constantly predicts that something is bad or something is going to go wrong before anything ever does and gets vesry stressed when we have to go anywhere or anything social...No matter what im excited about or if im happy with something I did my husband has to knock it or me down,its like he is not happy till im upset or in bad form. He also finds it very hard to give me a compliment and very very rarely says something nice to me. We got married fairly young and we have two children together, the funny thing is he is a brilliant father to our children he really is, we are only married two years and he has definitly got worse the last two years or else im more aware of it. He is constantly stressed out aswell. We went to counseling and it helped a bit at the time but since he has just gone back to the same. The thing is on the very rare occasions when he lets this sort of guard down so to speak I see wonderful things in him but then he puts up this wall again. Also I need to mention that he picked up this negative traits and disrespectful behaviour from his father who is actually much worse than him towards my husbands mother. What im wondering is there any hope that he might change or what am i going to do because i feel down, stressed out,unloved and alone most of the time and i dont know how i can continue like this and I also dont believe in divorce for myself personaly.

[pyrogen]

Wow, ancient thread now.

But I'm starting to think that there should be a thread (a sticky?) that addresses this issue since it pops up so often.

In fact, I ultimately left my ex over her negativity and constant pooh-poohing of my dreams, goals, plans, and hopes. It took me over two years (we broke up in 2009) to crawl out from the emotional hole I'd dug myself into while with her, and start moving forward again.

It's a real issue and the negativity can run on a spectrum from merely pragmatic/realistic (and maybe you ARE a flaky space case who wanders off leaving your kids with someone, then hitchhikes across the country on advice from your spirit guides, and you call ANYONE who opposes you "negative") to where the person is what I call a pooh-pooh artist (has a vested interest in your not succeeding or taking any risks, and may even sabotage you, but is basically a good person) to the far end of the spectrum - emotionally abusive. Yes - I WOULD leave a partner over the last two, but if I'm a woo-woo space case, then i will see a realistic partner as being a pooh-pooh artist or even abusive.

So. I'm going to make a thread that addresses this and ask that it get stickied.