My Sexual Abuse experiences have been ruining my relationships!!

[Gabish816]

I think anyone who reads this will find it a very very interesting situation, and it's been on and off the focus of my literally entire life so far. I've been handling it very well all by myself but I'm discovering it literally is the foundation of the majority of my existential and spiritual fears.

I'll just put it in a nutshell as best I can, because I don't hold the experiences so negatively, in fact it's what allowed me to become introspective and spiritual in the first place, so if anything I am thankful for the experience but it has certainly shaped my psyche in a way I don't prefer!

From the ages 4-7 I was sexually abused by numerous people, first it was repetitive with a neighbor only a few years older than me, relatives, adults, I had watched porn at 5 and even had erections by then. Who knew I'd be fantasizing about ****ing my first crush from behind in first grade!

Since the first sexual abuse I was experiencing was with a neighbor and also an older friend who I looked up to, I thought nothing of it, I saw nothing wrong with anything I was doing- and it was a lot of fun! I just thought that's the regular thing you do with friends you really like- until my mother caught us. She calmly asked me to confirm what I was doing with him and promised not to get angry. and I began crying because i KNEW it wasn't going to go well, it took everything in me and I remember it so vividly, I don't even remember what I said, but she got REAL angry and screamed and screamed at the kid in front of me and told him never to come back. Then my mouth was washed with soap. I was traumatized.

So! That sits with me as my first relationship. I thought that kid was awesome, when i think about what he made me do i feel nauseous now, but i can recall the perspective I had and I felt as if they were friendly favors. Nonetheless, This is what I had learned very early about relationships:

-When you think someone is cool, fun, and you like them, you do sexual things with them.
-make sure you do the sexual things in secret.
-if sexual things become found out, you get in lots of trouble and aren't allowed to ever see them again.
-also, doing sexual things with other boys means you're going to hell and that gay people cannot be accepted.(my mother was VERY old school catholic, but this is the foundation of my fear that I've built about death and the idea of a self created hell due to the attraction of it through physical reality)

Now, this isn't actually far off from the social norms of relationships, I had just experienced it when I was 4 years old, and I had just been constantly expecting to have ridiculous porno status sex with girls I had crushes on.

To cut to the chase:

-I am now an extremely sexual person, I just radiate sexual energy, people think I'm some sort of a man whore when they first meet me while I'm actually opposite. The amount of girls that I attract who "accidentally" touch my penis is hilarious.

-I never bring girls I'm with back to my house. They never meet my family. I have this awful, horrible, horrible fear of it. It comes off as sketchy and girls never have a foundation of trust because of it. Even when the circumstances force them to meet girls I'm with, I am in emotional pain and panic. I feel like at any moment someone is going burst out angrily and I'll be punished.

-also, If someone is in my house, like a cleaning maid or any female really, I start thinking of ways of how I can have sex with them. like, in a dire fashion. I literally have to leave my house sometimes because I either can't take the thoughts or I catch myself plotting to hit on whoever is in the house. The sexual energy is very high in my home, most likely my fault.

-Sex is ruined for me, because all my life I expected it to be this incredible godlike sensation, and I was determined on having sex A.S.A.P, and I did shortly after turning 13- I couldnt explain the disappointment. especially wearing a condom. I literally just get bored during sex. having A.D.D does not help either of course.

-Every single person I see, and I mean, EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. I see, I think of them In some sexual aspect. Old people, if they still have sex or do dirty things, how they used to do it. Kids, how they're going to be ****ing when their older. My psyche is casually perverted!

-I also rush any kinds of sexual encounters with girls I actually have feelings for and try to build relationships with, and end up pushing them away because I stress them and somehow give the feeling I'm just there to **** them. Which in a sense, isnt wrong, because I am, But I save all of this ridiculously built up sexual energy for the one person I have feelings for, because it feels like I'm doing a great special favor. I have yet to meet a girl who understood that, even when explained.

I'm not sure if this is the right forum section, but... I've been working on this my entire life, it has lead me to much higher consciousness, but I no longer need this to bear weight in my life. What should I do???

[TonyToneTone]

A few things come to mind.

1. I think you're an extremely sexual person because you're not having sex. If you were having sex, all that built up sexual energy would be released.

2. Are there other constructive outlets aside from sex where you can release some of this energy? You could exercise, work, write, paint, etc...

3. I would recommend you see a good therapist or counselor. They'll help you question your ideas about sex and replace them with positive ones that serve you. You can also come up with a plan to enter into a more balanced healthy relationship. You can take baby steps in the relationship; meet, go out for coffee, drinks, kiss, hold hands, fool around, let it build up slowly to sex. Then after a few months you can bring her home (if you like). It can be done in a way that supports you.

4. You could read books about sex abuse. Ones that will help you heal your past and move forward. It might not be about sexual abuse (although she does talk about it) but Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" is a great book for healing. Also, you might like "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind".

5. You can go to support groups where you share your story and receive support and insight.

[180]

Well,

1) I thought I was the only boy fondled on these forums as a young kid. Nice to know you're never alone!

2) Although, I was unaffected (literally) by my experience it seems to have shaped your personality. It some ways I would embrace it but try to keep it from certain people. Certainly there are people who love and enjoy sex as much as you do. There is nothing wrong with it. Society is just telling you it's wrong but society also thinks Paris Hilton is a great role model for young girls so you can pretty much ignore society in this regard.

3) You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Because there is nothing wrong with you. I sense (but could be wrong) you feel guilt about being so sexual. You probably just need to find the right person who understands this about you. I couldn't because I don't enjoy sex all that much (Holy crap my first time sucked too, I can't tell you how disappointed I was after 6 hours of continual grinding.)

If I can offer advice, It's really just that you need to find someone who understands this about you and accepts it. If you continue to hide your true feelings you won't find your life partner. The other route is to deceive women about your true feelings have sex with them, but hide it for the rest of your life just so they won't judge you. But you'll always feel guilt because you aren't being yourself.

[rawxstasy]

I'm sorry about what you went through. I was also sexually abused by many different people from a young age. I also radiated sexuality and was what I would call "hypersexual". Once I began healing from the abuse, the radiating sexuality and wanting sex all the time became less.

I would suggest therapy with a sexual abuse counselor. Also read the book "Repair Your Life." I think those will help. It's good that you can see the abuse in a positive light. It took me many years to get to that point.

[Gabish816]

TonyToneTone-

You are absolutely correct in the building of energy because I'm not having sex, but an issue for that is if I have a random debaucherous night I certainly still enjoy it, but there's a lingering sense of wronging, almost as if by me hitting on this person is just my ability to convince someone to go against what they were saying no to at first. Don't get me wrong its not like I'm really forcing sex onto them but... in a sense, I am in desperately trying to convince them to. It could be a skewed perspective from my end, but the guilt is evident and has given weight.

I have many constructive and creative outlets for it, I should utilize them actually far more often than I have in the past.

I've considered the therapist route for sometime. Although I really want to try and get through this myself by utilizing my friends and family for support. Because really the only people who knew of these experiences is my best friend and my mother who passed away from cancer last summer. I told the last girl I was with who I felt for very much but I didn't express it as clearly as I'd wanted, and I actually pushed her away because she felt stressed by all of the sexual activity I wanted!

If I utilize my outlets well enough I should be able to make a balanced relationship.


180-

It is oddly comforting to interact with other people with similar experiences! Although I wasn't just fondled, I was giving blow jobs and taking showers with people as well as dirtier acts that I'd rather not describe for the sake of imagery.

I'll begin to embrace it as a part of who I am, I certainly wont just tell everyone about it. Societies common standards are really what lead me to keeping it bottled up for so long. This actually feels amazing to talk about.

Your senses were absolutely correct, I always have a guilt trip after sexual encounters. I think once I sort this out and I approach situations with a better mindset and reality the guilt will be gone.

I definitely need to be more open about this for people who really matter to me. Then I can truly be myself, you are absolutely right.


rawxstasy-

I am also sorry to hear about your sexual abuse, but you've grown stronger from it and I admire that, I hope to do the same thing in a short time.

I will definitely check out the book you mentioned.

TonyToneTone, I also will check out the books you mentioned!


This is so extremely helpful that I don't even know where to begin to express my thanks. I can literally feel my life transforming for the better as I type this!!

Thank you all, really. I'm happy an online community like this can even exist.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Gabish816

TonyToneTone-

You are absolutely correct in the building of energy because I'm not having sex, but an issue for that is if I have a random debaucherous night I certainly still enjoy it,

Hey Gabish816!

I actually want you to have a healthy relationship; like you're in an actual committed relationship while having sex, that way there's more balance and stability to it.

As for the therapist, you can always try out a session. If you like it, keep going, if not, forget it. The great thing about a therapist (if they're good), is that they can help you quickly deal with things that might take a long time to deal with on your own. It's like going to a personal trainer or getting in shape on your own. Some people like a personal trainer, some prefer to do it themselves.

I wish you the best of luck on your new journey!

[Johnny Skosnik]

I've learned that children who are exposed to a traumatic experience at a young age feel compelled to reenact that trauma when they're an adult*. That sounds like you Gabish816 with regards to sex. Since this is negatively affecting your life--preventing you from having meaningful relationships--it sounds like therapy is the solution. By chance, are you in college/university? Many schools offer free therapy as part of student services.

*Personal example: I was terrified of severe weather as a kid, now that I'm an adult I find it fascinating. I took a class and became a certified storm spotter.

[Criseyde]

Hypersexuality is quite common in people who have experienced sexual abuse. In fact, it's one of the best indicators as to whether a child is being abused -- if a child who hasn't yet reached sexual maturation is behaving very sexually, someone is probably taking advantage of them.

I wouldn't say that hypersexuality is wrong in and of itself, but since it sounds like you're struggling a lot with the way it's affecting you, I'd second (or third, or whatever) the therapist idea.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

if a child who hasn't yet reached sexual maturation is behaving very sexually, someone is probably taking advantage of them

I don't want to derail the thread too much, but I would like to know what might be considered "a child acting very sexually" as well as what other signs might be that some is taking advantage of them.

(I'm asking because I have a daughter, and I would like to know some things to look for in this regard.)

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by James81

I don't want to derail the thread too much, but I would like to know what might be considered "a child acting very sexually" as well as what other signs might be that some is taking advantage of them.

(I'm asking because I have a daughter, and I would like to know some things to look for in this regard.)

Aaah, I don't have much personal experience with this kind of thing. I think if you see a child behaving seductively, that's a red flag, but there are other signs too. I found these for you:

Child Abuse & Neglect: Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse

Child Sexual Abuse

I hope everything is okay with your daughter.

ETA: Here's another one that actually defines "age-appropriate sexual behavior": Warning Signs | Stop It Now