need guidance

[honeyhope]

Really need some gifted advice from you Guys again. I am falling apart slowly my mental health seems to becoming my best friend and alter ego. At the moment I am back with my 3 yr old's father, we love each other alot and plan to get married soon.

From our time apart he has started up a new band and wants to go national and internationally with it which scares me , although I stay positive for him. It scares me because he has an attractive personality and flirts and charms everyone esp the women, I'm also not happy with his reasons as all he can think about is the designer cars and clothes and money he will make, and inspired to go all over the world on tour. He has a manger and is receiving funding support etc he wants to reach the UK/US charts although he is 55 he is much older than me he sees this as he's last chance.

Now everything we talk about surrounds him, its boring and tiring. He feels that he cannot put in any time concerning our child whether this is caring for him or talking about he's future, all he says is that in the future he will be so rich he will wonder what designer clothes to wear.

Now this upsets me because he's getting so materialistic as he's band gets greater promotion, apparently the BBC are doing a documentary about him, because he had a bad life before and now he has risen out of this heap which is really good as he is more responsible in his life now.

But I am tired and cautious of this impeding new life. I don't know whether I can hack it. He has no support for me, I'm studying law and he just tells me its a waste of time. I need to be making money etc etc (I am going back to work anyway asap). He offers no solution and bleats on how everybody thinks he's great, he has been blessed by God because he was down and asked for this the music etc , which I believe as well).

He's egotism/narcissism is unbearable at times, he blames me solely for problems in our relationship and tells me that he only wants positive people around him. He says in not to many words that I am a bad mother. I have no family/friend support and I don't even have him. I feel so isolated at times. I not jealous of his rise but want to be appreciated as well. Although he can remember the irst time he saw me etc etc and tells me that I am differently the one and he loves me but I cannot see it.

I feel like an evil, negative twisted witch. But all I want is real support I know he has to work sometimes, rehearse and play at gigs but on the family side he does nothing.

He mentioned in the near future he wants to buy a house in the country well away from London. I said at the moment this would not be possible as I would be isolated, also I get many job opportunities in London and because I study Law, London is the mecca for finding such opportunities but oh no my feelings do not count as he would be the one making the big money and travelling. What happens when he is touring and i'm left alone in a strange new location he just says I have to get on with it.

Really need advice as my mental state effecting my children while I keep a brave positive face for my partner.

[butterflyeffect]

Forget about marriage for the time being, you have enough relationship problems outlined in the blog post without a ring.

It sounds like you need to start to think about what sort of future you want in concrete terms. Where do you want to live, what sort of work do you wish to pursue? What sort of relationship do you want? How do you want to parent your child? Start answering the questions about how you envisage your ideal future, forget about your partner for the moment and write it out. What is the future going to look like.

Now take what your partner is saying. What sort of future is describing? What is it likely to be like? What sort of parent will he be? How will you feel when he is travelling and your alone?

Then I would have a look at your ideal future and his and ask yourself which you prefer. It sounds to me like you both love each other but want completely separate things. Your partner wants to be a rockstar and live the champagne lifestyle and you want to be an involved parents, in a supportive relationship, puruing a law career. How do you fit those two ideals together?

If your recieving no support from your partner now and he is just at the start of his career, then I predict that it is only going to get worse when he makes it big. Less time, less interest, more focused on the material possesions and wants and you will be left by the wayside and further away from your goals. I would think long and hard. Your mental health is soo important, trust me, I value mine so much after losing it and working to get it back, its your most important asset, your mind and body. No amount of money can buy you a new one.

[edvenkman]

Originally Posted by honeyhope

Really need some gifted advice from you Guys again. I am falling apart slowly my mental health seems to becoming my best friend and alter ego. At the moment I am back with my 3 yr old's father, we love each other alot and plan to get married soon.

why don't you just be happy for him, its not alot of 55 year olds that get to realize their dreams. and a guy can tell you that he wants a place out in the country but that's like saying im going to buy a condo in buenos aires someday. dont worry about it until it comes to that point. youre both aware that the best place to be right now is london and its going to stay that way. if he gets big being a rockstar or whatever then hes going to take care of you the way you want to be taken care of because you stayed with him. instead of worrying about it make him a list of the material things that you want him to buy you like a condo in buenos aires.

the thing is that he has this big dream hes had for a long long long time and he sees his times slipping away. if your getting onto him about it because youre insecure hes going to choose his dream over you. as much as he may love you and all that he understands that you as a woman and your child or children are alot more forgiving than time is.

dont let your mind runaway with what could happen. because you could die in your sleep tomorrow, he could have a heart attack and keel over. you could win the lottery. it doesnt matter what can happen, and to a greater extent your feelings dont matter as much as what you do about your feelings. who knows he might just be blowing smoke up his own butt because he sees this as his last chance, he might get to that famous point and decide your family is more important to him but if you push him away right now youre going to be making that decision for him and its going to work out alot worse for you.

(optional: if you love this man then love this man let him have his crazy little fantasy and if it comes true then be prepared by telling him NOW that youre with him all the way but that HIS JOB AS A MAN is to take care of you provide for you and love you. if he is any type of man then he will agree with you. you say you want to get married, that he wants to marry you. then be smart about it write your own wedding vows and tell him your going to support him even if he becomes mick jagger but that you knew and loved him when he was a nobody and he needs to remember that.)

this may sound a little harsh and i really don't mean it to be but as a man it seems he understands he has to provide and love and take care of you and your family and hes trying to do that. that in itself shows that he loves you and that hes there with you, you both decided to get back together and from what i read from your first message he started a band before you two got back together so this was as much a conscious choice of yours as it was his and i just think you have to own up to your decision because youre a woman because your a mother and because youre his woman. i mean you already made your decision a long time ago, why go back on it now? you may feel and you may worry and you may only see what you want to see, you may only be focusing on the bad?

how much worse would today have been if you were just alone and he called you up saying hey im in a band im going to be rich and i'll probably never see you or our kid ever again because im single and have all this time to devote to my dream, i mean i am 55.........but i'll send you money.

maybe your focusing too much on what you cant do because of what he wants to do. maybe you should focus more on what you can do today to make you both happy tomorrow. what you can do today for yourself and for your children because you have a smart talented charismatic man that loves you and your children and that's one less thing to worry about. because youre in love and your child knows his father and you're getting married.

maybe we can be more grateful for what we dont have to worry about than waste time and energy and valuable opportunities wondering about what might go wrong.

personally i think butterfly effect is giving you some bad advice, you seem to be more worried that your worrying too much than about whats actually happening. youre alot stronger than you give yourself credit for, i can say that because you took this guy back, because you want him to be there in his kids life, because you want to be a good mother, dont write lists and stuff about what you want for the future. focus on your strengths and dont smother this man, hes with you for a reason, dont let him forget that reason, make him feel like a good boy who just needs some lovin at home. right now he feels like a badass on the streets and if you want to keep him you gotta know hes more nervous about being famous than you are about moving to the country.

everyone needs to be alone at least some of the time, understand it and enjoy it and appreciate that you have someone in your life. alot of people dont, alot of single mothers wish they did. im sorry if this sounded mean but you wanted some advice and i wanted to give you just a bit different perspective. take care of yourself

[Clint Cora]

On one hand, he's going after his dreams so good for him. On the other hand, he seems to be an irresponsible, deadbeat father when it comes to his child and you. So given the circumstances, I think that you are doing the right thing about getting an education for yourself to pursue a career to support yourself as well as your child.

I salute you for that. Just keep at it and be strong. Get the support from single mom groups if you have to in the meantime as I'm sure there are other women in the same type of situation and some comfort results from groups.

I think in time, you will be a nice success story.

[papichulo]

Hey here's an idea, outline what you've written in this post, and convey these concerns directly to him.

Everyone here will deal with things differently, and that may not be the best way for you to handle the situation.

What I suggest is start off by telling him "I feel _____, because when you____, and what I need for you to do is _____"

Good luck!

[Wombels]

Originally Posted by honeyhope

Really need advice as my mental state effecting my children while I keep a brave positive face for my partner.

It's hard to give advice upon the issues you are dealing with, I believe it's best to put all your focus upon the child, regardless what might flow out of this situation, to stand in his way in a situation he doesn't realizes your and the child's position, will only lead to bad scenario's, to shift away from it all without putting pressure on his part (to me) seems the best approach in an already difficult situation. Although I doubt it, he might be right, anyhow, he doesn't consider the cost in hurt attached to that which is driving him find and walk upon a successful path of fame.

Your child is and will always remain more important than fame, you know it, he doesn't, leave him be.

Wish him and his dream well, remain his biggest fan...

[ButterflyWoman]

Uh, guys, the original post is well over a year old. Whatever issues were going on then are quite possibly changed by now, and if the OP is still having problems, she's welcome to start a new thread about the new situation.

I'm closing this thread for the reasons already given.