Online Dating

[tomn8er]

Ok, I'm a 19 year old (almost 20) male and want to get into a relationship with a woman. The basic concept of online dating or matchmaking type sites appeals to me, b/c that way most of the guesswork is eliminated - you both know that you want an intimate relationship.
So that part I like.
What I don't like is how dishonest and fake internet interaction can be. I think sites like myspace and facebook are totally sleazy and superficial. From what I've heard, myspace also has an increasing number of fake profiles - making it harder than ever to find a potential girlfriend. This type of dishonesty and superficiality isn't what I want in a relationship and I don't want to lower myself to this base level of virtual "ho-chasing" (its a seduction community term) just to get a girlfriend.
This conception of online dating as being dishonest and superficial is what turns me off (and many others no doubt). I generally view most of these types of sites as being only for desparate or unattractive people, which is why I have steered clear of them in the past. That and the danger that a poorly monitored/filtered matchmaking site presents - which is the possibility of being stalked or harassed by some creepy pervert!

I guess the three things that I would desire most in a woman would be 1) physical beauty (duh), 2) intelligence and 3) open-mindedness. I'm at a university in which the girl-guy ratio is about 7:3 girls to guys. So finding a woman who is beautiful and intelligent wouldn't be too hard. What is very rare in my experience is meeting someone who is open-minded, and who I can have deep conversations with. (There is something so intimate to me about discussing philosophical subjects like your purpose in life - these are the types of ideas that I dream about exchanging with a girlfriend ).

Can anyone recommend a good site (preferably free of charge) where you can specify what types of personality traits you desire in a partner? Both physical and mental - not just relatively superficial things like hobbies?
It also seems that a lot of these online dating services are for older people (late 20s and up), but I wouldn't want anyone more than 4 years apart from me (I'd say no older than 23), so it would be great if it was a site aimed mostly for younger people.

One last thing is that I am not giving up looking to meet girls in real life. It's just hard sometimes because you don't know what the other person's intentions are unless they're giving you obvious interest signals, which in my personal experience is rare.
So the way I see this online dating stuff is that I would be expanding my opportunities to meet women, not narrowing them strictly to internet-based encounters. Just clarifying.

I'd appreciate any suggestions on where to look. Thanks.

[Angela]

I had a great time on eharmony. It's not free, though. You get pretty specific with your requests, including the ones you have in mind, and instead of "shopping" like on match.com, you get presented with a bunch of girls who are determined to be compatible. If you don't like one, for whatever reason, there's no fuss; you just NEXT her. If you do like one, you can go through a slowish process of guided communication or do a fast-track and meet her right away. I got matched with a lot of great guys, including Joni Mitchell's ex-husband! They did a pretty good job of matching me with men I felt comfortable with.

Plus, the personality analysis thing (that part is free) is fun.

[tomn8er]

lol the story of my life! I did the personality test at eharmony and the site said that I fell under the 20% of people for whom they cannot find a suitable match. Bummer. I think I'll try again another time, or maybe expand my preference for geographical vicinity. Thanks for the site though Angela! I liked how in-depth it was.

[Angela]

I'm so sorry! Did they tell you why?

[Mark Lapierre]

OkCupid! is great, IMO. You it's built around tests and questions which profile your personality, and allow you to specify how important you consider certain opinions in a mate. So it goes even further than simply getting you to specify a group of personality traits, it determines them from what you tell it.

I find the questions to be a little too ambiguous in most cases, or too simplistic, but that's the problem with 4-option multiple choice. And you can easily blog about any question if you want to express an opinion the available answers don't allow you to.

The site is great for finding different kinds of relationships too. I actually haven't found a partner yet (not so many people in Australia on the site), but I've made a few very good friends.

[Michael Chui]

A pair I know found each other using Craigslist.

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm so sorry! Did they tell you why?

Their explanation was just that they couldn't find a compatible person for me. Considering this, they said that it was better that they don't give me any results rather than someone who is likely to be incompatible with me. I guess I'm just too unique.

[Angela]

Well, that will be a very special woman who you end up with. Best wishes in your quest for romance.

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

OkCupid! is great, IMO.

While I appreciate your reply, I just tried this site out and man I think it sux, lol. No personal attack on you, this is just my opinion.

I don't know if all dating sites are this shallow, the eharmony one sure didnt seem to be, but I found myself clicking "irrelevant" to most of the personality questions they asked.

Also, as horrible as this sounds, this site merely reinforced my view that dating sites are mainly for the ugly and/or desparate. Out of 100 potential matches, I only found literally 3 people attractive! Man, this makes me appreciate how many gorgeous girls I see everyday at university!

Also, what I find annoying is that these so-called matchmaking sites aren't even focussed on relationships so much as online friendships (which are a complete waste of time in my opinion). I noticed that most of the hot girls were only looking for friendships - lame. I'd rather make friends in real life. I guess I should apply this approach to meeting a girl as well...

[Transcendent]

Sites like Myspace and Facebook aren't online dating sites, they are moreso sites for social networking. People do meet other people from the site and do date, but that's not really what it is designed for. It's possible to find a great person on myspace, but I would suggest that you take a better route.

Online dating sites have a few flaws. First off, most of them charge a fee, some charge a rather large fee. People don't always update their profiles or even log in to see what's new. Finally, what I see as the biggest drawback to online dating sites is that people can write whatever they want in their profile. People lie in real life, but the convenience of doing it all at home makes it that much easier to make themselves seem much better than they might really be.
I'm sure everyone has also heard about people posting a picture of someone else (who is attractive) and saying it is them. They develop an online relationship with someone and when they meet in real life, the other person is taken aback by seeing someone completely different than in the picture. They say things like, "But if you like my personality, then it shouldn't matter what I look like."
Just some of the dangers of online dating.

I'm not saying that you can't be successful with an online dating site, it just takes a lot of work. In the scheme of things, they're better than places like myspace.

I know you asked about online dating sites, but I couldn't just leave it without giving you another option, which I think would be best for you.

You know what your interests are, you know what type of girl you are looking for, find out where those girls are and become part of a group. Join a club or volunteer where the types of girls that you like usually hang out. You already have similar interests and you would be able to develop a social relationship with these girls and you will find out more about their specific personalities.

Study human behavior, even if a girl doesn't just come out and tell you that they like you or are hanging all over you, there are plenty of signs that will let you know that someone is interested in you.

[Mark Lapierre]

Ahh, I'm sorry you feel that way. I completely agree about the shallowness of the personality questions. In fact I haven't answered that many because of that reason, and the others I mentioned before.

As for the attractiveness of girls on online dating sites, I'd ask you these questions; What do you think is the ratio of attractive to unattractive girls that you come into contact with? And of those attractive girls, how many do you think would choose to use a dating site?

I don't know what kind of girl you're looking for, but beautiful, confident, intelligent, friendly girls are rarely found on online dating sites in my experience. I'd guess this is because they have plenty of guys asking them out offline.

As with everything in life, there's a lot out there which each of us would consider unsatisfactory. We have to search through a lot of what we don't want, to find the few pieces of gold we're looking for. Online dating is no different.

As for what girls list as what they're looking for, many do that to dissuade guys who are just looking for a root. If they're single, and they consider you worthy, they'll change their mind.

Online, offline, it's all part of real life, it's just a different medium. I doubt any person who starts a good friendship online would choose to keep it solely online if they had the option of meeting in person.

[C33]

My personal opinion is that FREE online dating sites are not good for someone who wants a quality partner.

Most people who are really serious about dating will make the conscious effort to INVEST in their search. If you put 30 dollars a month towards a dating site, you will make every effort to get dates. If you sign up somewhere for free, you will probably be less dedicated, as we usually take free things for granted.


Drawing upon my experience of the online dating world, I'd have to say that my best experiences were when I did pay for the service and when I signed up on a site that was very interest specific and had a small number of members. I think sites such as Match.com are too generic and not the best bet for someone who is a bit more unique than the usual: "love walks on the beach and candlelit dinners" (yikes) type.

Also, if physical attractiveness is very important to you, then I would say, get to meet the girls you are interested in ,very early in the game. A person who has no picture or doesn't want to meet face to face, is usually unattractive. ( trust me on that one). Most people lie on the dating sites, I don t know what the statistics are, but it s pretty scary. Most people do not look a thing like their picture, so be prepared for a huge disappointment when you meet in real life...

I agree with Mark Lapierre that most very attractive, intelligent, confident girls would be asked out a lot and not found on a dating service, yet I had gorgeous friends who did sign up for such services, because they were fed up with meeting sleazy, leering guys that were going for their looks only. They did sign up on paying sites though.


You are young and I am sure there are a lot of prospects around you.

[openeyes]

Particularly as a college student, I consider it much easier to find good women simply as a result of going about my day, hanging out with friends, going to class, volunteering, and going to student clubs. Online sites can be great for finding men though If the gender ratios were switched it might be different, but still I find that when I meet women face to face to begin with, it's much easier to interact with them and get their number if I still want it.

[Transcendent]

Just an additional note, I wanted to say that I am very impressed that nobody tried to get on his case for saying he wanted a girl who was attractive.

It's really easy for people on forums to jump on something like that and say that personality is what is really important and only shallow people go for looks.

I think you have to be physically attracted to someone for it to work.
If you're not physically attracted to someone, no amount of personality can overcome that. Likewise, someone with a bad personality can't make up for it with any amount of good looks.
With all that in mind, if you already find someone attractive and they have a great personality, it makes them even more attractive, I think that's the goal.

Also, never settle. I think it's better to be single and independent.

[andrew]

There are TONS of single, attractive, high-quality women online. Especially our age, are you crazy? There are less young women on the online dating sites, so you're better of on social networking sites like myspace. Sure it's riddled with junk, and it seems like it's all superficial, which I won't argue, but that doesn't mean in the hundreds of millions of people on there, that there aren't thousands of quality people.

You can meet a lot more people, quicker, and more conveniently online than you could ever do in real life.

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Transcendent

I think you have to be physically attracted to someone for it to work.
If you're not physically attracted to someone, no amount of personality can overcome that. Likewise, someone with a bad personality can't make up for it with any amount of good looks.
With all that in mind, if you already find someone attractive and they have a great personality, it makes them even more attractive, I think that's the goal.

Yes, I agree with this 100%. I believe that if you're not physically attracted to someone, then the most you can ever be is good friends.

As a sidenote, I've read a lot of material on 'seduction' (that's a crude term - the stuff I've read also covers a lot between the different mindsets of men and women), and it seems that men tend to place a lot more emphasis on physical attraction for the opposite sex than women do.
It's just our nature.
Why else is it that female models, strippers, and pornstars are far more successful and prevalent than their male counterparts?

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent.

I read everyones' comments so far and I appreciate the feedback!

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by tomn8er

Why else is it that female models, strippers, and pornstars are far more successful and prevalent than their male counterparts?

*innocently* Because there are more heterosexual men than homosexual men?

[Scorpio]

Online dating isn't perfect, but no way to meet women is and it can be a fairly low-effort way to meet lots of people.

You sound a little too picky though, like someone could show you 500 people and you could find reasons to turn down all of them. Also, who cares if the personality tests are dumb. Don't over think it and get to the important task of meeting people. Gotta embrace the numbers game. Give people a chance to grow on you. You may end up going on a few so-so dates before meeting someone you like.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by andrew

There are TONS of single, attractive, high-quality women online.

Agreed, but the gender ratios of online versus in person seem a bit different, and as you said there aren't so many women our age on the dating sites. I go to a university with 25,000 students, nearly 2/3 of them female. Just in the course of my day I consistently collect more phone numbers than I have time to call. When I have time I see at least one or two women per day, many that I've seen for a while and perhaps 1 or 2 new ones to get to know each week or so.

I enjoy being able to see people in non-dating situations, such as in-class or at a student club to actually get an idea of what they're like, and then take things further if they seem genuinely interesting. Since I tend to be very playful and dominant in most of my classes and group interactions, it's fairly easy to pick out a girl or two that intrigues me and just hand her my cellphone to have her put in her #.

Of course, once I'm no longer in school or near a college town online dating may be a possibility, but by then there will be more women in my age group and things will have gotten a bit easier.

The main thing that turned me off to online dating was when I created a female profile just to see what women were experiencing, and I found myself getting instant messages from three new men every minute that I was signed on, plus emails, even though it all was costing the guys money as lavalife charges for each contact initiated. I quickly deleted the account so men would stop wasting their money, and finally realized at least one reason many women turn down/ignore a lot of guys: simple time management. So far I've found online dating to only be more efficient for me when I was open to dating other men (as a young bi guy).

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

You sound a little too picky though, like someone could show you 500 people and you could find reasons to turn down all of them. Also, who cares if the personality tests are dumb. Don't over think it and get to the important task of meeting people. Gotta embrace the numbers game. Give people a chance to grow on you. You may end up going on a few so-so dates before meeting someone you like.

Yeah, I think you're probably right. It's probably because I don't get to know a lot of girls really well that I think they are more shallow or narrow-minded than they really are. I guess I gotta make more effort and invest more time in getting to know people.

But no, I'm that picky when it comes to looks. I'd say that about 25% of the women I see on campus are highly attractive to me. But then, they're all young and unmarried, so of course they're gonna be better looking than the middle-aged single women that surf the dating networks.

[songwriter]

Well, I couldn't resist to do the eharmony test. I'm never lucky with women. Some people of this site may be tired of hearing about it... It looks like the Jung-Myers-Briggs test questions... and I'm an ENFP, let's see... (taking the test...)

Well, I've got one match... 1000 kms away...

[Mark Lapierre]

A story about the solution to the lack of attractive people on dating sites.