What do you do to "Truly" get over a breakup?

[Vagabond Bobby]

I've recently separated with a girl I've been practically living with for about half a year and we did share love.

I'm wondering what you do to get over a break up and how long does it usually take for you?

My very first girlfriend when I was a teenager took me far too long, 4 years or so. This time I know it won't be so long because of all the things I know now.

Please let me know what you do.

[secrets0stolen]

I'm pretty much useless for a couple of days....crying like crazy, but after I've processed my emotions or "grieved the loss" so to speak, I'm ok. Idk why, I think it's because I always know everything's ok, but of course I still have to adjust to the change emotionally...it helps if me and my ex can be friends afterward.

[Johnny Skosnik]

What do you do to "Truly" get over a breakup?

Your question has an invalid premise. You never truly expunge a lover from your life, both you and your lover have had your lives forever altered by your relationship. This is not a bad thing. That said:

Originally Posted by Vagabond Bobby

I'm wondering what you do to get over a break up and how long does it usually take for you?

Embrace the opportunities your new status as a single person affords. Dust off your goals list (you do have a list of goals, yes?) and start working on them. By completing your goals you'll become a better person, and through the law of attraction you'll draw a new relationship into your life.

[SarahJaynee]

For me I have to use replacement techniques. Firstly I analyse what it was that I liked so much about myself when I was in the best part of the relationship. Whenever we start up ANY relationship (not just romantic ones) what we really like is the reflection of ourselves from the eyes of that person.
Maybe we feel more loving, caring, sexy, successful, secure, healthier etc
( Disclaimer:If you are still in the phase where you think all your relationships are just about the other person then this exercise is not yet for you)

Once you know what part(s) of you was highlighted then you can include other activities and pursuits that give you that same feeling.
So in my last break-up I realised that he listened to me and made me feel worthy and heard. When it was over I joined a group where I could speak publicly about my passions and interact with others through this subject.
Often your first thoughts of what the relationship meant will be broad and not specific but the key is to identify the finest point.
So "I loved being needed" is far to broad. Do you need to be needed when you are playing a PC game, exercising, studying? Probably no, so in what area did you like being needed? Pinpoint the area, lets say for this example you enjoyed being needed sexually or socially. Why do you need to be needed in this area, why are you alone in this area not enough? Keep asking these tough specific questions until you get to the root. Once you have the root you know exactly what your working with and can seek to heal that wound (it is said that all relationships are there to heal us, and once we are whole there is no need for relationships).
Then you can fill the hole (the hole is what sens us out into relationships, looking for somebody to complete us somehow) with more of who you are.

I Love this Rumi poem

If the Beloved is everywhere
The lover is a veil
But when living itself
Becomes the friend
Lovers disappear

[pyrogen]

In my most recent breakup - I was with this person for somewhere between two and a half to three years. It was a very intense relationship with a lot of ups and downs, two people who submerged their identity into the relationship, very difficult relationship let alone difficult breakup, and we spent the second half of the relationship more or less breaking up. Fight, reconcile, seem to work things out for a while, same issues would come up again.

I was finally the one that broke things off and moved out. Was sad to do it, but persisted. Once I moved out, I was kind of numb and on automatic pilot and didn't feel anything, even had a rebound "fling" on automatic pilot, then one day the pain hit me - WHAMMO. I was sitting on my bed one night and I heard a song that reminded me of my ex and then the grieving started... and went on for months while I went through the usual post breakup stuff.

I feel I've only recently really started to release. Now I have a few memories, pleasant ones, but find they don't have the same "hook"... I feel I've gradually been letting that person go, along with a taking stock of the situation (realizing what went wrong, what I did wrong, what they did wrong, what we both did wrong and how we were just wrong for each other) and a summing up of what I'd like to do *right* the next time.

The trajectory of a breakup differs from relationship to relationship, person to person. Sometimes you're over a relationship while you're still with that person. That can happen. Sometimes it can take weeks, months or years. Sometimes there's an "interim person" or rebound (I don't recommend that!) and sometimes you just grieve and some people throw themselves into a whirlwind of dating and activity to distract themselves, while others like to sit with their pain.

One way or the other, the fallout will be there, and you can either process it sooner or later.

I ended up leaving the town that I lived in with my ex, once I had the opportunity to. I had moved there to be with that person and all of my memories of that town were of being with my ex. Leaving that town and starting a new chapter of my life, seemed to help me heal the most. I realize that many people can't do this.

It's also normal to still miss the person, even years later, after you've largely moved on - it's perfectly normal. If you ever really loved someone, you don't just stop doing it. You probably always will. I still love my ex. I've *moved on* though meaning that I don't desire to return to the past.

Eventually you will find that you have changed, you have grown from the breakup and you are a different person than you were when you were with that person... and they are different, too.

You also come to see that you are better off without them and they are better off without you. It can be mutual. My ex blossomed into an amazing person after I left.

[secondevolution]

If you're anything like me, you'll never get over it.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Vagabond Bobby

Please let me know what you do.

Think of all the reasons why you're better off without them. Focus on those.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Think of all the reasons why you're better off without them. Focus on those.

Haha, MG. There's a really awesome point there. You may now have opportunities (or at least time) you didn't while in the relationship

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Vagabond Bobby

I'm wondering what you do to get over a break up and how long does it usually take for you?

By get over it, do you mean start feeling good? ie, how long does it take to start feeling good after a break up?

[Vagabond Bobby]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

By get over it, do you mean start feeling good? ie, how long does it take to start feeling good after a break up?

That, and the point where you are OK seeing them with someone else if you are their friend.

I'm wondering just what everyone does and I got some great answers. I'm open to doing anything.

I do focus on why I'm better off without her (financially) and come back to the part where she really cared when with me and I was too inexperienced to see it.

SarahJaynee, that is a great technique and you are right, I did love how she looked at me.

Yep, I am working on my goals, releasing an information product (learned lots from Eben Pagan - The guy behind Man Transformation Steve talks about) soon. Going to travel as well, Japan or Costa Rica first.

Here is my question:

I was probably her rebound guy even though I knew I was getting into that (she was in a horrible 5 year marriage, though she loved the guy a lot): I knew I could help her a lot and I did in a lot of ways.


What is your experience in rebound relationships when you were the person or the other person was the rebound? Did you stay with them long? Did you ever get back with them after breaking up? What did you do? Did it feel like you were using them?

I really want to venture into a new relationships without having them be the rebound person.

[TonyToneTone]

I tell myself, "I release her with love." I wish her happiness and then go about my day. I also immediately go out with other women.

I might fondly look back at the relationship and see the good things in it but at the end of the day I do know that we broke up for a reason. It'll lead to better things for both of us if we both move on.

[dirtyhive]

Originally Posted by SarahJaynee

For me I have to use replacement techniques. Firstly I analyse what it was that I liked so much about myself when I was in the best part of the relationship. Whenever we start up ANY relationship (not just romantic ones) what we really like is the reflection of ourselves from the eyes of that person.
Maybe we feel more loving, caring, sexy, successful, secure, healthier etc
( Disclaimer:If you are still in the phase where you think all your relationships are just about the other person then this exercise is not yet for you)

Hey, just wanted to thank you for this post. I'm trying to move on from someone who's messing me around, and today I remembered this idea and sat down and made a list of all the things that that person makes me feel. Then I tried to come up with alternative ways of getting all those things, other people who make me feel the same way, activities I can do. I couldn't think of solutions for all of them, but I feel a whole lot better and less needy. It's reminded me to catch up with some old friends and made me realise how much I value their company.

Some of the things I 'need' her for still have me stumped for what do replace them with, but at least I'm getting somewhere.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Vagabond Bobby

I really want to venture into a new relationships without having them be the rebound person.

Focus on what you want.

This will involve unpacking whatever baggage you packed during this relationship and it's aftermath: stored up negative emotions, limiting decisions, and the "away-from" motivations that come with them (like, for instance, "I shouldn't have a rebound relationship," etc.), and that will take some self-examination. Get the learnings from the relationship and all your choices that got you there, and generate authentic forgiveness for both yourself and the others who have been involved (probably goes back further than this one relationship), and release yourself and her with love to generate a relationship that works really well.

[Vagabond Bobby]

I tell myself, "I release her with love." I wish her happiness and then go about my day.

This seems like an awesome way to approach it, I will work this into myself. I've been quickly gaining momentum about letting my feelings process and truly feel this way for her. Almost there.

Focus on what you want.

You are right. I'm working up the forgiveness for myself right now and her. I still beat my self up a little, though with each day, I'm slowly realizing I should just let go and forgive myself and her and the previous ones.

What has helped me the most is this which I think will help others:

Stop contacting her or seeing her until I'm A OK.

The more I wanted to talk to her, the more pain I felt and the more I pushed her away.

I actually deleted her phone number so my lizard brain wouldn't call or text message her. I still have the number, though I just put a step in place so if my lizard brain took over for a while, It would need to go to my conscious mind which tells it no about calling her.

Thanks for the help everyone. Please, any more tips will help, I'm using a whole lot of it and really appreciate it.

[mcarlos]

As we know a break up does not make anyone happy. But there are always ways to benefit from it. In my case about the girl I lived with for 1 and half years before, I just think positive when these things happened. Breaking up could mean that me and that person were just not mean to be with each other and that it is best that I ended things now before it can even get to a point that could be worst.

Recovering from a break up was not easy for me, but I was able to survive it. I was just being positive and optimistic and it made me feel stronger as well. I did not let our break up weaken me, I made it my strength to recover from a break up - fast. One thing I learned from it is to Love yourself first and everything will fall into place.

[180]

Biologically you experience depression from a breakup.
There is perceived loss to your own survival.
breakups are harder with someone we perceive to be especially valuable to us.

1) Realize 100000 women on the planet are exactly like her. There are a lot of women like her. You will get over her fast.

2) She had nothing unique or special about her. You'll find someone better... soon.

3) She was never the one for you. But a stepping stone for who you really want in the future. She was only there to teach you the ropes of relationships.

4) Devalue her. This is why people go through stages of denial. Most will advise you that this is a bad idea (But it's a good idea). The more you can see her as less valuable the faster you can get over her.


It took me a while to get over my EX. 8 months dating, 1 year to get over it. Why? I saw her as "the one". That idea, or that belief made the breakup impossibly hard to get over. I valued her too much. I thought (and i emphasize thought) that she was unique. She was top of her class. she was professional piano player, she was everything I wanted in a girl, very sweet, Supermodel gorgeous, rich.... (lol I emphasize this point), and had a giant bust etc etc. whatever.

Compare her to the last girlfriend I had. She was not valuable at all to me. She was plain and as boring as a grain of rice. There were 1000's of girls exactly like her. Our breakup lasted 1 day, and after that I didn't care at all. No tears, just.... hell I didn't even drink. I just went to bed, woke up. Why? She was exactly like every other girl out there. No value behind her. I know I can get a girl better than her at anytime. So why would I care?

Try to remember and put things in perspective. There is not a single woman out there that is meant for you. There are 1000000 women out there that want to be with you. And probably better.

Most of which are girls from thailand... lol (props to anyone who gets the joke)

[secondevolution]

Originally Posted by 180

Try to remember and put things in perspective. There is not a single woman out there that is meant for you. There are 1000000 women out there that want to be with you. And probably better.

For some people, to borrow a tagline from Highlander, "there can be only one."

[James81]

There's nothing to do. There's nothing to get over.

There's emotions and what those emotions mean. We can resist them, or we can accept them and learn from them.

It's kind of funny. I'm reminded of what I tend to do when I eat something that doesn't sit right with me. I get that rumbly feeling in my stomach and the feelings of nausea that come with it. So, what do I do? I get it in my head that if I eat something else, i could offset the feeling and make it go away. And usually I convince myself that if I eat something seemingly healthy, it'll help.

So, if I eat a bad piece of chicken, and it makes me nauseous, I figure that I can counteract it by eating an apple...or drinking a lot of water...or milk to settle my stomach. So, I grab something else and I eat it, and the problem doesn't go away...it gets worse because now I'm bloated. Then i think that maybe I didn't eat the RIGHT thing or perhaps I didn't eat enough of the good thing.

If I allow myself to continue down this spiral and try to "fix" the feelings originally created by the chicken, I wind up feeling worse than I did to start with, which in turn I finally give up after feeling absolute misery and just fall asleep, hoping to feel better in the morning. (Which I usually do.)

And through all of that, I learn an important lesson. Sometimes things will happen that will makes us feel crappy. In those moments, it's not always necessary to DO something to make it go away. In fact, sometimes doing something will just add to it. The reality is, that sometimes things just need to pass through our system. We can't undo what we did to get it to this point, but we can very much accept it, feel the repurcussions, and learn from it.

Allowing myself to just *be* who I am after a break up as been the single most greatest therapy of all. And the negative emotions pass fairly quickly, and I come out with all these new learnings about myself that I didnt' have before.

[elucidate]

She was exactly like every other girl out there. No value behind her. I know I can get a girl better than her at anytime. So why would I care?

If every girl is the same, and are of no value, then how could you possibly hope to find anyone who is "better", if we are all the same...of no value! I can understand why someone would choose to think this way, to basically lie to themselves to get over someone. Personally, I think there are better ways

Every person is unique and special in their own way...thinking otherwise does not make it true!

[SarahJaynee]

I agree with Elucidate that each person has something unique about them even though superficially they resemble the same physical/demographical/intellectual etc traits.
When you lose a dog it doesn't help to say "all dogs are the same anyway so just go get another one". That devalues the Love you felt (and will continue to feel) for that pet; which btw has NOTHING to do with the pet, lover, child, situation, it is all to do with the quality of Love that YOU manifested. So to devalue that, is to devalue your own ability to Love and your own creations and expressions of Love.

I'd like to add that my route for "forgiveness" is to be able to say thank you FOR GIVE ing me that experience. When I am in the space of that gratitude I find it easier to move on with Love and Grace.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by James81

Allowing myself to just *be* who I am after a break up as been the single most greatest therapy of all. And the negative emotions pass fairly quickly, and I come out with all these new learnings about myself that I didnt' have before.

^^ This

[180]

He's trying to forget the breakup....

Not make it worse.

Nice job guys. Nice job.
Remind me never to call you when I lose my car. Just keep telling me it's the only car of it's kind and I'll never find another one like it. That'll make me feel better I'm sure.

Look, everyone IS unique but it doesn't mean that anyone is better than anyone else or that you won't find that same combination of personality or looks etc. whatever characteristics one is looking for in a mate can be easily found in someone else.

With more experience in dating what one finds is that, well, women/men aren't as rare as we think. I USED to think that way. But the more girls you date or the more men you meet... well I think you know. Unless you're out in the boondocks, you can find the same type of people again and again. I've never met any girl rare enough that I couldn't find a similar if not equal type in standing.

I'm sure the word feelings is going to come into this analysis. But following feelings in dating is actually a rather outdated perspective. Much as the same as someone wants to follow their feelings to eat a double whopper cheeseburger with bacon mayo and mustard, we want to hold off on our feelings for better choices.

Most people, after dating for long realize that feelings are not accurate measures of who to marry or to make life long partners. To some degree, it can be, as long as you feel comfortable around that person. But feelings of "love" are dangerous. Women fall for men who constantly abuse them and hurt them. It's an addiction to stupidity.

Anyways, away from the emotional rant. If you truly want to forget the pain of breakup, you really need to realize that there is NO loss.

Emotions are simply neurochemcials that aid in your survival. You've basically lost a partner in making a baby. Your "survival" partner. So your body is telling you to go back and get her. But the problem is your body doesn't make wise choices. It doesn't know that you will find other better women out there. It just knows that she was a body that you can use to make a baby.

Realize that there is no rarity in her. And you can overcome the feelings quickly.

[elucidate]

Are you trying to make us feel guilty for not lying, like you do?

Sorry, guilt trip not accepted!

It's not my job to make him feel better...and it's not yours either. he asked us what our best way of dealing with break-ups is...I'm sure he doesn't need to be treated like a little kid and lied to to make him feel better. Telling him to just devalue someone he loved isn't exactly the best advice either!

Originally Posted by 180

He's trying to forget the breakup....

Not make it worse.

Nice job guys. Nice job.
Remind me never to call you when I lose my car. Just keep telling me it's the only car of it's kind and I'll never find another one like it. That'll make me feel better I'm sure.

Look, everyone IS unique but it doesn't mean that anyone is better than anyone else or that you won't find that same combination of personality or looks etc. whatever characteristics one is looking for in a mate can be easily found in someone else.

With more experience in dating what one finds is that, well, women/men aren't as rare as we think. I USED to think that way. But the more girls you date or the more men you meet... well I think you know. Unless you're out in the boondocks, you can find the same type of people again and again. I've never met any girl rare enough that I couldn't find a similar if not equal type in standing.

I'm sure the word feelings is going to come into this analysis. But following feelings in dating is actually a rather outdated perspective. Much as the same as someone wants to follow their feelings to eat a double whopper cheeseburger with bacon mayo and mustard, we want to hold off on our feelings for better choices.

Most people, after dating for long realize that feelings are not accurate measures of who to marry or to make life long partners. To some degree, it can be, as long as you feel comfortable around that person. But feelings of "love" are dangerous. Women fall for men who constantly abuse them and hurt them. It's an addiction to stupidity.

Anyways, away from the emotional rant. If you truly want to forget the pain of breakup, you really need to realize that there is NO loss.

Emotions are simply neurochemcials that aid in your survival. You've basically lost a partner in making a baby. Your "survival" partner. So your body is telling you to go back and get her. But the problem is your body doesn't make wise choices. It doesn't know that you will find other better women out there. It just knows that she was a body that you can use to make a baby.

Realize that there is no rarity in her. And you can overcome the feelings quickly.

[pyrogen]

^^^ You know, when I was younger and more idealistic, I would've yelled and screamed at 180.

But now I'm inclined to agree with him to some degree or another.

It's in the interest of anyone's narcissism to want to feel they are "special". To be the "only one". Forever and ever.

In reality, by the thirties, we've usually loved and lost a few times.

I can't think of anything more hellish than to think there's only one person. That leads to all kinds of scary thoughts... what if you missed out, or already had that person? This isn't very positive...

It's more like this, I think... there are a variety of people with whom we'd be compatible... but while we're involved, it feels pretty damn special. And after we've broken up, it's natural to feel... aw ****, I'll never feel that way again. But we always do eventually feel that way again, or even better... if we let ourselves.

Love is more like playing the lottery, I think (with better odds)... we may eventually get a winning ticket... but up until we find that winning ticket, it's probably sheer dumb luck that the first ticket was a winner. And many of us have a pile of scratched-off tickets at our feet before we find that winner.

[James81]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

^^^ You know, when I was younger and more idealistic, I would've yelled and screamed at this poster.

But now I'm inclined to agree with him to some degree or another.

It's in the interest of anyone's narcissism to want to feel they are "special". To be the "only one". Forever and ever.

In reality, by the thirties, we've usually loved and lost a few times.

I can't think of anything more hellish than to think there's only one person. That leads to all kinds of scary thoughts... what if you missed out, or already had that person? This isn't very positive...

It's more like this, I think... there are a variety of people with whom we'd be compatible... but while we're involved, it feels pretty damn special. And after we've broken up, it's natural to feel... aw ****, I'll never feel that way again. But we always do eventually feel that way again, or even better... if we let ourselves.

Love is more like playing the lottery, I think (with better odds)... we may eventually get a winning ticket... but up until we find that winning ticket, it's probably sheer dumb luck that the first ticket was a winner. And many of us have a pile of scratched-off tickets at our feet before we find that winner.

Well, at the most basic level, realizing that there are "more fish in the sea" does very little to help cope with the actual loss that takes place. Actually, that realization (there are no special people) feels more like a "should" than anything else. You should disregard your emotions because there are thousands of girls out there that you can be happy with.

Well, yeah, but there's one that I had feelings for and now she's gone and that space that she left has left a hole in my life.

I kind of compare the "there's more fish in the sea" type of advice (which is kind of what 180 is getting at) to the "just be yourself" advice. At it's most basic level, it's true to some degree, but it's essentially useless as a tool for coping with emotions or working through an issue.

[180]

I'm not lying. YOU'RE LYING ^^

lol

Look I know we think everyone's a special snow flake and grow up believing that. But we shouldn't put value on something we don't have or something that is already past or that realistically isn't that valuable. That's a kind of emotional control.

Men value women on certain criteria, non of which are irreplaceable by any one woman. Is there something only 1 woman can give to me that no other woman has? Her look? But even at that face level, she would have something else to offer in personality. People are are a mixing pot of different values and things.

I don't want to get into it, but men and women experience breakups very differently because the value we serve to each. It gets into biology and psychology, I would talk much more but I have teach a class now lol.

[James81]

Originally Posted by 180

I'm not lying. YOU'RE LYING ^^

lol

Look I know we think everyone's a special snow flake and grow up believing that. But we shouldn't put value on something we don't have or something that is already past or that realistically isn't that valuable. That's a kind of emotional control.

Men value women on certain criteria, non of which are irreplaceable by any one woman. Is there something only 1 woman can give to me that no other woman has? Her look? But even at that face level, she would have something else to offer in personality. People are are a mixing pot of different values and things.

I don't want to get into it, but men and women experience breakups very differently because the value we serve to each. It gets into biology and psychology, I would talk much more but I have teach a class now lol.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying that this realization doesn't really fit the issue (getting over someone).

It's like if someone robs you and steals a thousand dollars out of your wallet and someone came up to you and said, "Hey, champ, I know it sucks, but realize that there's 90 trillion other dollars out there just like the thousand you lost!"

That realization doesn't make the loss any less painful. It just doesn't show a true understanding of what the loss actually means to a person.

[180]

Originally Posted by James81

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying that this realization doesn't really fit the issue (getting over someone).

It's like if someone robs you and steals a thousand dollars out of your wallet and someone came up to you and said, "Hey, champ, I know it sucks, but realize that there's 90 trillion other dollars out there just like the thousand you lost!"

That realization doesn't make the loss any less painful. It just doesn't show a true understanding of what the loss actually means to a person.

Well the problem with love and breakup I found is that is usually thinking "I'll never find anyone like that girl again." hurts the most.
It's not about having a girl... period. It's about THAT particular girl.

The emotional pain that humans feel during a breakup is experienced because of loss. When we cry, we lose something. It's how it works.

If one wants to get over pain. Truly over, there should be no "loss". The more one thinks that someone was unique, rare, or valuable the loss becomes stronger. For example, I don't cry if a stranger dies but I do if a friend dies. Why? Because that friend is valuable to me.

Also, just to be fair in my previous post, I should have said that men are replaceable too. Just to be fair. There really isn't a guy out there that isn't replaceable by any other guy. Sure we have different personalties but are they SO unique you could never find another guy like that? No. That's why we have categories for people.

Nerds, Jocks, Goths, Emos. etc etc...


I know I think I'm some kind of special snowflake, because i'm super intellectual read up, "cynical" realist, and somewhat of a philosophy nut. But the more I read... the more I realize there are guys EXACTLY like me in every way.

We don't WANT to think we are the same as someone else because that would mean we aren't valuable. But for the most part, humanity is very similar. We are just different a mixing pot of slightly different qualities.

But you and me hell, we're the same brother/sister

[elucidate]

Well, I'm not gonna play the "Ï'm not lying, YOU'RE LYING" childish game...but I will say, that whilst, it is true that no one is "that special", we all have uniqueness and specialness to us, even though we are also basically the same in many ways, as humans.

Choosing to devalue someone you spent time with, to make yourself feel better, sounds more like rejecting your emotional process of grief, which is a natural process in any break-up. That isn't the most emotionally mature way to deal with things, IMO...but if that works for you, then go for it! I'd say it's more just bypassing any emotional processes, because you are scared to go there!

I don't think I'm lying at all... I'm just affirming that we all have things about us that are special and unique, and we all have value. That doesn't mean to say that everyone is necessarily so special that they are "the only one, forever and ever, amen", and I didn't mean it that way.

No one is so special that they are worth killing yourself over, or even losing sleep over losing, and of course someone else who is just as good or better for you will come along...that doesn't mean that totally writing the last one off so you don't have to feel anything is the best way of going about it. I'm entitled to my oppinion , as you are yours. I see no reason to yell at me for expressing it though, and I'd ask you not to in the future please.

I would encourage anyone who has just broken up with someone they love to do their best to focus on the things that drove them to break up with the person in the first place for. It can help to affirm that you made the right decision. Looking for the unsavoury things about that person, and affirming your new found freedom and all the new opportunities awaiting you are important steps I think. Not getting drunk all the time is another way, and taking care of yourself through eating well and nurturing yourself will leave you looking and feeling better than if you just give in to self-destruction and drowning your sorrows.

Originally Posted by 180

I'm not lying. YOU'RE LYING ^^

lol

Look I know we think everyone's a special snow flake and grow up believing that. But we shouldn't put value on something we don't have or something that is already past or that realistically isn't that valuable. That's a kind of emotional control.

Men value women on certain criteria, non of which are irreplaceable by any one woman. Is there something only 1 woman can give to me that no other woman has? Her look? But even at that face level, she would have something else to offer in personality. People are are a mixing pot of different values and things.

I don't want to get into it, but men and women experience breakups very differently because the value we serve to each. It gets into biology and psychology, I would talk much more but I have teach a class now lol.

[180]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Well, I'm not gonna play the "Ï'm not lying, YOU'RE LYING" childish game...but I will say, that whilst, it is true that no one is "that special", we all have uniqueness and specialness to us.

Choosing to devalue someone you spent time with, to make yourself feel better, sounds more like rejecting your emotional process of grief, which is a natural process in any break-up. That isn't the most emotionally mature way to deal with things, IMO...but if that works for you, then go for it!

I don't think I'm lying at all... I'm just affirming that we all have things about us that are special and unique, and we all have value. That doesn't mean to say that everyone is necessarily so special that they are "the one", and I didn't mean it that way.

No one is so special that they are worth killing yourself over, or even losing sleep over losing, and of course someone else who is just as good or better for you will come along...that doesn't mean that totally writing the last one off so you don't have to feel anything is the best way of going about it. I'm entitled to my oppinion , as you are yours. I see no reason to yell at me for expressing it though, and I'd ask you not to in the future please.

I was kidding about the lying thing.

But I think for men it's harder to process grief by "living it through". I've done that and it just gets deeper and deeper and deeper. It does NOT go away. It festers and get's worse.

Women have more emotional mechanisms than men to get over breakup. I read a theory once that stated this was because when men went to war, women could quickly grieve the loss of their husband and move onto another man.

Some men aren't so emotionally equipped. When we experience emotions it's more confusing, erratic, and more violent.

In my own personal experience, it's always been easier for the woman to get over a man. When a change in her "needs" happens, so does the man. It's quite easy for her to detach emotionally if that man no longer has the value that she needs.

Whereas for men, a woman ALWAYS has the value that he needs, beauty and fertility. But obviously when she gets old that goes out the door. But for the most part guys have a sense of loss when they breakup with a girlfriend more because they have an attachment bond and still crave sex to a certain degree. Of course this isn't always the case, but biologically speaking this is how men developed.