How can I do better?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I want to change some things, and I was hoping some of you might have some insight or words of wisdom. Here goes:

I am in a relationship of over a year. We live together. I love this man very much and he says the same about me. The snag comes with anything beyond that. I have always been very insecure. At work he gets calls from a lot of the teachers needing him to do things for them. The thing is they are mostly all young women. He talks to them on the phone several times a day (a couple of minutes here and there). I get a call once if I am lucky. Many times he goes out after work with some friends from there. He will tell me who is along and it is all people I know. Still, I can't get my mind to stop thinking that maybe there are others there he's not telling me about or that he could be in more than a work relationship with some of the women who call his phone mostly becuase I am never invited to go out with them. There are so many hours a day when I don't see or hear from him. I know it's ridiculous and really there is no way for me to know. If he wanted to cheat he would. But I don't want to be the last to know. How can I stop myself from thinking like this? It is so bad that I get sick feelings most days just wondering what he may be up to. If he doesn't call to let me know what's going on, I imagine even worse. I never wanted to be this person. I want to have control over this before he decides I am crazy and leaves me or I have to end it because I am miserable all the time wondering what may or may not be happening.

I know this is pathetic for a grown woman, but I could really use some help. I want to change my mindset and feel confident in the person I am (that I am worthy of someone's love and that I am a good catch that he would not want to lose). When I look in the mirror I just see how much prettier all the people he comes in contact on a daily basis are. And I know there are plenty of people who would steal him away in a minute (girls shamelessly flirt with him right in front of me...I can only guess how far they would go when I'm not there). I want him to feel I trust him and I want to feel he can be trusted. All of this is compounded by the knowledge that he has cheated before (not on me that I know of but in another relationship). I am sure there is so much more to this story, but I have bored you enough. If anyone is willing to tackle this with me, I would really appreciate it.

[JHL]

Hi there, I felt I should respond to your post because I have been in a very similar situation myself. I eventually got through it and learnt a few things along the way, which I'd like to share with you.

Firstly, I know the agony you must be feeling. How it eats you up, like your insides are on fire. Worst of all, your peace of mind is totally shot and you dont know what to do with yourself. Because you feel insecure in your relationship you keep needing validation from your partner, making sure everything is still ok, and then you start to feel stupid and paranoid for continuously needing to know.

The insight I can offer you is this - its not about your husband - whether he is trustworthy or not, and its not about any other woman who may throw herself at him. But it is about trust - you trusting yourself. Paradoxically, this is the real problem. You lack have faith in yourself. You dont have confidence in yourself and you dont feel worthy of his love and affection. In your estimation, all those other women out there are better than you - he suspect would prefer to be with them. This, of course, is utter and complete nonsense. He is lucky to be with you, and the sooner you realise it, the better!

But realise this - the more you try to speculate regarding who he is with and what they are doing - the more you reinforce your fears. The more validation you seek from him - the more you reinforce you fears. I dont underestimate the psychological difficulty of your situation, believe me, but I really feel quite strongly that you need to try stop these behaviors and instead focus your energy on what you need to do to start feeling more secure.

You need to work towards trusting you. You need to earn back your own respect, validation and love. Now to translate that into real-world actions, you need to do things that are going to help you feel confident and better about yourself, like: start going to gym. Adopt healthier eating habits. Get more active socially - go out with your friends more often. Pursue a hobby. Etc.

I would certainly recommend seeing a counselor if you can. First of all, it will be a great help to have an expert on your side helping you to build confidence and trust in yourself. But secondly - the emotions you are feeling are very intense and very uncomfortable. Having someone to talk to about it can make a tremendous difference in helping you to cope. Honestly, book yourself an appointment, its such a great favor to give yourself. Thats what I did, only I wished I had done it much sooner. By the time I did I was so depleted and depressed that I walked into his office, sat down and promptly demanded to be put on anti-depressants (he politely declined my request and then asked me what seemed to be the problem ).

Even if you dont feel a counselor is right for you at the moment, the main thing is to build your confidence and hopefully some other people here can lend their weight in putting forward some ideas.

Hang in there.

[DarkSociologist]

Let me ask you a question and see if I can help. Do you ever think to yourself that he would be better off if he was with someone else who is better than you? If the answer is "yes," than maybe I can offer some advice.

The problem is not that you don't trust your partner, it's just that you don't believe in yourself. You have a low perception of value for yourself and it is putting a strain on your relationship.

You should first talk this over with your partner and let him know your situation. He needs to understand that you have these feelings and that it is because of your insecurities and not because of anything that he did.

He needs to understand that you are trying to build your self esteem, but this is going to be an ongoing process. In the beginning, he needs to understand that you need that affirmation from him. If he truly cares about you, then he will work with you as you work though your problems.

Next, you need to believe that you deserve him and that he deserves you. You need to tell yourself that you are good for him. Once you start believing in your own value, then it will become easier to trust him.

Remember that he is with you for a reason. You are special to him because you have value. I hope this helps and I wish you luck.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

JHL and DarkSociologist,

Let me first just say "thank you". I don't know how, but you both seemed to say exactly what I needed to hear. I know the problem is more with my perceptions of myself and my worth than with his actions (though sometimes they do confound me). You both had such an eloquent and compasionate answer for me, and I truly appreciate that. Thanks for taking the time.

I will definitely take your advice to heart. I have been thinking that if I can just control my response (and not say the first suspicion filled thing that comes to mind) that things will be better becuase he will not feel a constant distrust and resentment from me - which probably leads him to spend more time away and with friends causing a vicious cycle. Knowing this and putting it into practice are two different things of course. I have also been on a sort of downward spiral when it comes to my eating and exercise. I am sure a change in both of those will be of some help. I have thought about seeing a counselor very much lately, but am not in a financial position at this time to do so. I will keep it in mind for the future.

To your question, Dark: Yes. I do think he would be better off/happier with someone prettier, smarter, funnier, better in bed, etc. It feels wretched! And deep down I know it is not true. I do and have done so much for him (which he has told me and sincerely thanked me for), and I know I am a decent person with a lot of compassion.

I have told him before I am insecure, and he has said I have no need to be. Then I will continue to do insecure things and it frustrates him to the point he gets angry with me. I will ask for his help in being affirming and affectionate as I actively try to change my view of myself and put a stop to the defeating behavior.

I really can't say thanks enough. I needed this. And I welcome any more advice.

[peejay]

Hi, you got a very good answer from JHL. I have never been in your situation but I do know that obsessing about your fears usually will bring them about. It's hard not to worry but worrying does nothing positive at all. I know it's easy to say don't worry and a lot harder to do. If anything constant suspicion and fears are likely to push him away. There are no guarantees in anything and sometimes you have to take a bit of a step back and realize that even if your worst fears come to pass it's not the end of the world. You can't control what he does so torturing yourself with these thoughts is only causing you grief.

Try to think positive things about him and your relationship and yourself. Look at all the positive things and focus on them and try not to imagine what terrible things might happen.

I read a something once that your mind creates your reality so make your mind your friend. Your mind is making you fearful so you need to use your mind to make you more confident.

Good Luck

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Well, I am back, and I didn't exactly get off to a great start. I had a gnawing feeling in my stomach that something just wasn't right, and I did something bad...I looked at his phone while he was in the shower! I don't know whether I wish more that I hadn't done it or that I didn't see what I did when I looked.

He had some text messages on there from one of the women at work that taken out of context (considering there were only a few and didn't add up to an entire conversation) looked very bad to me. We had a big fight, and I didn't hear from him all day. I thought all day that when he got home from work I was going to ask him to leave, but when he got there I caved. We talked. He said he was sorry. That he was friends with several people there (some of them women) and that they did joke around a lot. He said he could see how it would seem flirtatious. He also said he spoke to the woman and they tried to remember what the conversation was about, but couldn't. He said she felt bad that it had caused trouble in our relationship and that he told her they could still be friends, but would have to cool the joking around a little. He insisted he has never cheated on me. I told him that having that type of conversation with another woman (particularly when he doesn't call me or text me back sometimes) is hurtful. I feel if he has time in his busy schedule to flirt with coworkers, he could take a minute to talk to me about our days. He said he didn't want to leave me, but that he would go if I asked him to...just tell him what to do. He also said I could look at his phone whenever I wanted to just don't go behind his back.

So, I wanted him to stay. Of course, I love him. I felt like he was sincere when we talked last night, but this morning when I thought about what the text messages said, I got that horrible feeling again...like I couldn't breathe. I don't want to be the type to snoop. But my trust is shaken. I told him how it broke my heart to see those messages. He said he never wanted to hurt me.

Now I don't know what to do. How can I forget what I read? Should I? I know it was so wrong of me to do what I did. Should I just try to work on myself and see what happens?

[JHL]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Well, I am back, and I didn't exactly get off to a great start. I had a gnawing feeling in my stomach that something just wasn't right, and I did something bad...I looked at his phone while he was in the shower! I don't know whether I wish more that I hadn't done it or that I didn't see what I did when I looked.

He had some text messages on there from one of the women at work that taken out of context (considering there were only a few and didn't add up to an entire conversation) looked very bad to me. We had a big fight, and I didn't hear from him all day. I thought all day that when he got home from work I was going to ask him to leave, but when he got there I caved. We talked. He said he was sorry. That he was friends with several people there (some of them women) and that they did joke around a lot. He said he could see how it would seem flirtatious. He also said he spoke to the woman and they tried to remember what the conversation was about, but couldn't. He said she felt bad that it had caused trouble in our relationship and that he told her they could still be friends, but would have to cool the joking around a little. He insisted he has never cheated on me. I told him that having that type of conversation with another woman (particularly when he doesn't call me or text me back sometimes) is hurtful. I feel if he has time in his busy schedule to flirt with coworkers, he could take a minute to talk to me about our days. He said he didn't want to leave me, but that he would go if I asked him to...just tell him what to do. He also said I could look at his phone whenever I wanted to just don't go behind his back.

So, I wanted him to stay. Of course, I love him. I felt like he was sincere when we talked last night, but this morning when I thought about what the text messages said, I got that horrible feeling again...like I couldn't breathe. I don't want to be the type to snoop. But my trust is shaken. I told him how it broke my heart to see those messages. He said he never wanted to hurt me.

Now I don't know what to do. How can I forget what I read? Should I? I know it was so wrong of me to do what I did. Should I just try to work on myself and see what happens?

Hey there, I know the feeling you mean - that horrible sinking sensation in the pit of your stomach that makes your blood freeze. It must have been really terrible to find those messages on his phone. No wonder you felt so hurt and upset.

One of the difficulties in feeling the way you do is that it becomes hard to trust your own instincts. Because of your mindset, you will often see things and interpret them according to your suspicions and something completely innocent will lead you to draw entirely the wrong concusions. On the other you may see something that you should be absolutely right to be suspicious of, yet you dont know if you should be concerned about it, or if you're just jumping to conclusions.

You lose trust in your own judgement. You become doubtful of your own thoughts and feelings. And its very disempowering, because if you cant trust yourself - it means you must rely on him for whats real. But this is obviously a recipe for disaster because the person you must rely on, is the self-same person you dont trust. Thus it becomes a vicous circle.

I just wanted to say, don't feel bad about yourself for looking through his phone. It wasnt ideal, but I know how powerful the need to look must have been. You just had to know.

I'm not going to pass judgement on the messages you saw on his phone, and what they might mean. I think the ideal thing is for you to get your strength back, regain faith in yourself and your own judgement. But I will say this: you CAN trust your instincts and your inner voice. If those messages felt wrong to you, if you think something is going on - then assert you right to say so -and say so! You deserve to be treated with love and with respect. Having other girls send him flirtatious messages is disrespectful to you, I'm certain its not what you want!

My suggestion to you is this:
1- be mindful of your needs, your rights, and your boundaries.
2- Assert them. Find the strength within yourself to start asserting them. If you want him to stop flirting with these women and vice versa, tell him.

Dont allow him to undermine you in any respect. Trust your judgement. Trust yourself. Dont compromise yourself. You're far to special for that.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, JHL, from my heart. Once again your kind words have helped me feel a little better. All day today I have just been trying to figure out if I can believe in the "innocence" of those messages. I just don't know. If I think about our conversation last night, I feel confident. If I think about the messages themselves, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Our talk last night was so good. He said he would tell her that it had to stop and that I could look at his phone any time if I would just not do it behind his back. I want to believe he is sincere. The problem is, in my mind I start to think that's easy, he can just not use the phone to communicate or erase the messages before he comes home. What you said about being unable to interpret things because I don't trust myself is so true. I either convince myself something is wrong when it may not be or try to shove something aside becuase I think I am being too suspicious. I guess I should be less concerned about the content of the messages and more concerned about how things go from this point on. Part of me still wants to ask him to go, but I don't want to be without him (especially if I am wrong about the messages). It's so confusing. I want things to just go back to being good. I just want to trust him becuase he is the person I want to be with. I just don't ever want to short change myself either. I will check back here. If anyone has anything else you think may help me, please let me know.

I'm in my head so much and it says "run," but in my heart I want to be with him forever. Which is the one to listen to? My worst fears are: he is cheating on me - or - I leave him and find out he was always true and I've lost him. I wish there was some certainty in life!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Well, it's over. At least that's how it stands now. We got into another fight on Sunday, and he told me that it was hell living with me because all I ever do is nag (he used a different word) at him. I said I am just trying to get you to see that becuase you are never here, always talking to other people, using your energy for them I feel alone. He basically can't see that he has any part in how I am feeling. He said now you will really be alone. I am devastated. Even his mother has decided I am at fault and has said how angry he is. Well, I am angry too, but he has turned it all around to say I am the only one at fault. She doesn't even know half of what has been happening. I see the things that I have done to contribute to the problems we have, but he doesn't see how his actions have contributed. The fight started when I asked to look at his phone...the very thing he told me I could do if it would help me to trust him. He blew up at me when I asked.

The worst part is that even though I told him to leave and it is probably the right thing, the only thing I can think that would make me feel better right now is his arms around me. I know I can get through this. I know we will be better off apart if we cannot work these issues out and put eachother first. But I still can't shake the feeling of wishing he never walked out that door.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Well, it's over. At least that's how it stands now. We got into another fight on Sunday, and he told me that it was hell living with me because all I ever do is nag (he used a different word) at him. I said I am just trying to get you to see that becuase you are never here, always talking to other people, using your energy for them I feel alone. He basically can't see that he has any part in how I am feeling. He said now you will really be alone. I am devastated. Even his mother has decided I am at fault and has said how angry he is. Well, I am angry too, but he has turned it all around to say I am the only one at fault. She doesn't even know half of what has been happening. I see the things that I have done to contribute to the problems we have, but he doesn't see how his actions have contributed. The fight started when I asked to look at his phone...the very thing he told me I could do if it would help me to trust him. He blew up at me when I asked.

The worst part is that even though I told him to leave and it is probably the right thing, the only thing I can think that would make me feel better right now is his arms around me. I know I can get through this. I know we will be better off apart if we cannot work these issues out and put eachother first. But I still can't shake the feeling of wishing he never walked out that door.

"Now you will really be alone?" That is not respectful at all. He doesn't realize his part in the problem. I think he is more upset at your looking through his cell phone than the fact that he betrayed your trust. You will get through this. A few months down the road you will see that letting him go now was the best choice. You won't be alone if you choose not to be. You will find a man for you who won't disrespect you like that, God willing. You need to put your arms around yourself and nuture yourself. Keep your head up and your heart strong.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I just wanted to update this.

He called last night. We both apologized and said how much we miss each other. We talked a lot about how things had gotten really bad and how it would take a lot to fix it. He said he was planning to get his own place and that we should take it slow and see what happens. Start talking and "dating" (something we never really did; we knew eachother for years as friends and moved in together almost immediately when we got together). I feel a little relief. I made it clear that if we were going to try to salvage this relationship that it must still be exclusive. That's just something that I cannot compromise on. He said he knew that I would feel that way and he wouldn't want me seeing anyone else either. I let him know that I understand he is young and still feels the urge to party more, spend time with friends more and that if he felt like he just needed to do that without me it was okay. I am four years older and more ready for a nice quiet home life...more settled. We agreed to meet up somewhere neutral next week and talk things out more.

I don't want to give up on this relationship yet. I wouldn't have been in it if I didn't feel it was going to be a long term thing. I have decided to take the free time I have from us living apart to do things for myself that I have neglected like getting back to vegetarianism and working out. I want to do a lot of work on my house that I haven't had time or energy to do and spend more time with my friends.

I appreciate the support a few of the folks on here have given me. It was part of what helped me get through this. If you have any more words of wisdom for me as we move into this next phase I would very much appreciate it. I have had a trust problem throughout this relationship and I know it will be even tougher for me when he's not home in bed with me every night. Any ideas on how to build my self esteem and confidence without having it tied into him? I want to be whole and healthy to move forward. Thanks.

[JHL]

Hi there, just wanted to pop in and see how things were going. I've been travelling the past week so I couldnt respond to your earlier posts.

Sounds like you've had quite a dramatic week, that must have been really tough on you. But your posts have been really clear and level-headed so I think you've coped very well so far, though I know it must be very painful for you.

I know you're now wondering how to handle this, what to do to make the best of it and become more confident, and really to become who you need to be to not lose this person.

And in a way, you're already becoming that person without it being obvious to you. You've just faced one of your worst fears. You lost him. He walked out because he felt you pushed him too much. Nagged him to much because you didnt trust him. It finally happened and...here you still are.

You survived your worst nightmare. You picked yourself up and carried on. You're still in pain, no doubt, and you still dont want to lose him. But you HANDLED it! It wasnt the end of the world. You dont need him or anyone else to live, to survive. You can do that just fine by yourself.

Even if this huge epiphany isnt consciously obvious to you, somewhere in the back of your mind where growth takes place, a part of you just got a lot stronger, a lot more certain in your own ability to handle things and carry on.

Through this pain and doubt and angst, you are getting stronger. That growth is happening, you are becoming the person you seek to be. You dont need any new-age book or saying or theory to validate this for you. YOU are doing this, you are handling, you are carrying on. Thus, you are growing.

Sorry for the ramble, but I just want you to know that I think you are doing great and to reassure you that by merely carrying on and facing what life is throwing at you at the moment, you are earning the confidence and esteem you desire desire.

One day soon you are going to wake up and realise that you have in fact grown. You are more self-assured. You dont need validation like you used to. And you will smile and appreciate that everything you went through, was worth this feeling.

Write here again when you can, I'm wondering how its going with you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

It has been a very trying time for me. I was heartened to come here and see your post checking up on me, JHL. Thanks so much for taking the time. It is truly amazing to know a relative stranger can have such insight and caring.

I haven't been on the forums for a little while becuase my grandmother passed away this past weekend. She was a bright spot in my life, and I find myself unsure of how to keep going knowing she's no longer here. I know I will, and I know she would want that, but sometimes I feel like my world has been flipped upside down (as cliche as that may sound). I feel blessed that she knew her time was coming to a close and I was able to sit by her bedside and hold her hand as she went on to the next chapter. Still, I haven't been able to sleep. She and I had such a bond that I never could put into words, but I do know that when she hurt it affected me physically as well as emotionally.

My boyfriend has really been there for me through this, just there to hold my hand and give me a shoulder to cry on. That part is good. Then part of me feels like I shouldn't even be thinking about our relationship at a time like this, but all the same it seems to be even more important now than ever.

I have times when I feel like by moving out ("no rules," no constant nagging - his words) he is able to have exactly what he wants...me along with a life of relative freedom while I am given even less of what I want - a deep commitment and more time together. Then, on the other hand, I see how I have already changed for the better and how I have time to look at myself now that he is not a constant presence. I have also found myself trying (sometimes through great struggle) to make our times together pleasant rather than a minefield. Sometimes it is truly painful to hold in negative comments (about what he's doing that has hurt me, etc.), but other times I find it so refreshing to just enjoy him. I am making an effort to be a better version of myself. I hope that in the end whether this relationship survives the changes (which I hope it will) or not, I can say I was the best person I could be. I still have thoughts like, "who is he talking to" or "why did he have to cut our conversation short," but when they come I try to arrest them and question exactly from where they came. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I think it is essential.

Someone in another post mentioned "The Work." It seemed to be something I might benefit from. I plan on taking a look at the books when I get paid on Friday. I think the library may have one of them as well.

I know this was a long post. I really appreciate how much time you have taken to thoughtfully and kindly walk with me through all of this. Thanks again.

[aabukar]

on one hand, i am very sorry for your lost May your grandmother rest in peice...

on the other, i am so happy that you decided to take care of yourself for yourself and for the sake of the acceptance of others ...even the closets person in your life. ur happiness does not depend on his availability he would make you more happy sure ... but ur universe is not centered around him right ?

just my point of view

[JHL]

Hi again, I'm very sorry to hear of your grandmothers passing. In my tradition we wish the surviving family members "a long life" and that is what I wish for you.

I can only imagine that with her passing and the uncertainty surrounding your relationship, that your emotions must be all over the place at the moment. I think your description of feeling like your world has been turned upside is very apt! It surely takes a lot of strength and courage to keep going as you have, and I have to say again that I think you're doing so wonderfully through all this.

I can very much relate to those thoughts you are having, the suspicions and wondering if something is going on you dont know about. Phew, those are demons I did a lot of wrestling with too! There's no doubt that they are very difficult feelings to manage. I found them immensely painful and self-destructive. It takes everything you've got to not act on them, and to carry on being pleasant and loving in spite of them. I know what you mean when you say its the hardest thing you've ever done to try and consciously restrain them.

On that note I just wanted to say that you truly are doing the best you can. You're dealing with very intense and powerful emotions and you're clearly a person who feels very deeply. So this must be very hard for you. Know that you are doing the best you can and that it is good enough! Try not to feel poorly about how you're managing certain things, if they didnt go ideally according to how you would have liked them too. You're only human - but a wonderful one! - and you're doing the best you can.

I hope you find a good book or two when you go shopping for them. It may provide just the inspiration you could use right now Take care.