Advice on: How to make friends... easily

[180]

I notice a lot of people have a hard time making friends. They seem to lack the... social senses.

I've been ruminating a lot about how many friends I've made in my life. How I made them. And some of the most successful people at making friends are.

Know what? It's so simple if you're lacking any social/emotional sense.

Become a "rarity hunter" and share your bounty.
I find that the people I'm closest with offer me worlds I've never seen before. Special types of hooka, coffees, foods, etc. SOMETHING that was out of the ordinary.

For example, some of my friends are DJ's. 3 I can think of.. any sort of "rare" person is someone I keep friends with.

Just to tell you, what I offer is a RARE friendship. I'm one of those guys are undyingly loyal. I would fight to death for my friends. Never cheat with their girlfriends and I back up 1000% I'm one of those rare friends that would help you unconditionally. Time or distance doesn't matter to me. This is my strategy and its the reason why I've been able to keep my friends. (But this doesn't work for everybody, so don't try to copy this strategy)

So if you're weird and can't seem to make friends and people get away from you... try this

If you're working in a typical cubical setting... people love coffee. Try going online and finding a very rare and expensive kind of coffee. Bring it to work and ONLY share it with your most trusted co-worker. But make sure other people see you giving this rare and expensive coffee ONLY to the person you are closest to (Don't be cheesy and give it only to a guy/girl you like at work). Give it to someone in your "inner" circle. DO NOT OFFER IT TO PEOPLE. make people come to you!

What happens is you make that person, you shared it with, feel so special and your value skyrockets tremendously. AND Other people watching suddenly perceive value in being friends with you.

People will come up to you and be like... "hey mike, that's some kind of rare coffee? Mind if I try some?"

Be like "sure I can give you a little bit to try". (DON'T OVER DO IT). Remember you want to look like you have what they want. Give them too much too early and they won't value it. Value lies in rarity. People don't like what they can have too easily (This applies to dating too)

I've tested this theory (literally tested, it was an experiment). I had a rare tea from China that when added with hot water explodes into a blossom within your cup (google it if you're interested). I gave it only to this co-worker that I was pretty good friends with. People onlooking were like "hey... wtf is that? I want some of that". But hey, guess what? 180 is the only person who knows about it.

Suddenly your value goes up tremendously. You have something people want. And you are their only source.

But you can't do coffee forever. Come in maybe once a month was some interesting find. It doesn't have to be food. It can be information, like what is the latest concert.

[butterflyeffect]

I usually make friends easily but I do find that in some ways I am similiar to the idea your describing. For me I do it automatically.

If I want friends then I just turn on the high beam personality and smile and laugh and talk to people, anyone. I am always into new and unusual things, know where sales are on and can tell you where to grab designer samples for free. The other thing is I am not seeking to take something from my friends, I am secure enough in myself to feel like everything I need or want I am capable of getting myself so other people are there for their company. Lol that and if you want a job or help with a resume I am excellent at it (lol similiar level work to what I do) and I am non judgemental and warm. I love my friends and don't seek to hurt them or take their possessions.

Cheers to us 180!!! The non needy and rare friends.

[Eduard E]

Although I have been in this situation, at this point I find it amazing how some people find it hard to make friends. It's mostly just a matter of social initiative:

- Initiate conversations
- Talk to people
- Ask opened questions
- Ask them to do stuff with you
- Ask them to bring other people

But If you don't have the right mindframe, doing all of this can be harder than it sounds.

[Mounds]

You got it Eduard. That's what I'm doing and it works like a charm. Nothing complicated about it.
I think it comes down to cognitive dissonance. If you have a couple experiences where you feel rejected and you think highly of yourself, then eventually you think that making friends must be pretty difficult. That's when things start getting shrouded in mystery... People start reading 350+ page books on making friends. They start buying toys to attract friends (I bought a Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3, hardly use the Wii and never use the PS3 ). They get frustrated and confused. How can I be so smart and handsome and have such a hard time with this! Either I'm not as awesome as I think or making friends is tough. So the gap widens. Kinda the same with men approaching women! The farther the boat goes downstream, the harder it is to turn it around.

-Tim

[Elrond]

I think I have an easier time befriending people if I am doing something with them. Just sitting around and chatting, with all the mind numbing small talk that goes with it, seems backwards to me.

[honbloke]

Originally Posted by Eduard E

Although I have been in this situation, at this point I find it amazing how some people find it hard to make friends. It's mostly just a matter of social initiative:

- Initiate conversations
- Talk to people
- Ask opened questions
- Ask them to do stuff with you
- Ask them to bring other people

But If you don't have the right mindframe, doing all of this can be harder than it sounds.

Initiating conversation is quite difficult for me. Even before I even start any conversation, I need to think that it something that people want to talk about. The truth is I don't know what to people want to talk about. I end up asking serious questions that people do not like. The people that I meet always talk about the same boring stuff like the World Cup right now or Dota all day.

It's not easy to make friends with people with different interest. I like anime a lot and consider myself an otaku. Unfortunately otaku has the stereotype of being nerdy, childish and anti social but I got used to how people viewed me. If people wish to accept me, then they gonna have to accept that otaku side of me.

Sometimes when I make friends, I find that I have to change myself completely just to fulfill their expectations. I done that before and it wasn't fun. Life become terrible when you constantly have to seek people's approval. Guess I know what it is like to be needy.

It's quite difficult when people say the best and simplest way to make a friendship last is to care for someone. Sometimes I don't understand what do you mean by caring for someone. I wish people will go more into the specifics but the caring of someone is too vague for me. Seriously caring for someone is tiring and can take a lot of energy out of me.

I think people has a pretty wrapped idea on what friendship is today. I always find that people only want to hang the most humorous or people that gives them the warm fuzzy feeling. Some of my friends can even celebrate when they get their 400th friend on facebook. It all about feeling good.

Building a strong friendship is tough. My relationship with my best friend has hit rock bottom before and we through many tough times to form that strong bond that we have now.

Yet I always amazed at how some people can form that strong bond without doing anything much. Just a bit of witty and humorous lines here and there and they automatically attract people. I wish I could pull off that amazing ability sometimes.

[Criseyde]

I usually just talk to people. I guess that's the part that's hard for some though! I've always been quite talkative and will natter on about almost anything () so I might be one of those annoying small-talkers that have been described in this thread. I'm okay with that, though. I've even been known to talk about the weather (cue horror movie screams).

The "rarity hunter" method is pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how well it would last. 180, do you form lasting friendships with this method? I'm truly curious, because I've never thought of friendship in this way. I don't think people are friends with me for coffee dates or food (though I've been known to turn up with both); more that I'm willing to put down plenty of time and energy establishing and maintaining a connection.

It could be a good gateway if you have trouble forming that initial connection, but what happens when your novelty wears off? You (180) replace it with something else: undying loyalty, this definitely works. But you said for everyone not to copy that, so what are you suggesting that they do instead?

[James81]

My thoughts are that your methods for making friends seem rooted in manipulation of sorts. There's also a little bit of supplication in there as well (if you give them "x" and make them feel like they are part of an elite few who you give "x", they will feel special and like you).

I've always been the kind of guy who people seem drawn to and people seem to like. I never really knew why before (my brother always got a kick out of my "buddy" making skills when we were out and how random people would just come up and start talking to me).

But now it seems a lot cleared to me as to why that is. People are attracted to me because I'm always smiling or laughing, I don't get bent out of shape over the little things, and I "listen" more than I talk. ("listen" in quotes like that because in a lot of cases I'm listening but I'm not LISTENING, but I notice that in most social situations that doesn't matter...listening matters more when you are contributing something BACK to the person, or they ask for advice...if that's not happening, then people for the most part tend not to care if you're really understanding them.)

Before, I did these thing on autopilot. Now, I'm actively choosing to do them from being who I am. In other words, before it was a "going through the motions to make people like me" frame of mind, just like what you are suggesting. But over the past couple of months or so, I'm noticing that I"m generating these things on a more natural level. I truly feel good about myself, and that good feeling translates into smiling and laughing and generating smiling and laughing in others. The little things don't bother me anymore, so I'm naturally at ease with the way things go (i.e. I don't need to control or micromanage every little detail of the interaction anymore). And I'm actively seeking to understand and empathize with people, which has really helped me become a better listener.

As I do these things and develop these things from a more natural point of view, I notice that more and more people around me are in better states and that I attract people to me more and more.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by James81

I notice that more and more people around me are in better states and that I attract people to me more and more.

Yup, people who feel good are attracted to people who feel good. When you're feeling good, you don't have to *do* anything at all to attract good-feeling people; they just naturally fall into your orbit.

And when you try to manipulate people into thinking you're valuable and rare, that effortfulness (not so good feeling) repels good-feeling people out of your orbit.

It feels very gremlinesque when a person is trying to prove that they're rare and valuable (and usually simultaneously trying to avoid people finding out that they're not rare and valuable). Not-so-good feeling people -- someone whose own limiting beliefs complement this one -- will be drawn in, and people who aren't interested in buying into the gremlin will tend to recognize a bribe when they see one, and either thank you graciously and feel a sense of appropriate reciprocity, or they'll just pass.

So, I guess it depends on what kind of social circle you want to build in your life.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

So, I guess it depends on what kind of social circle you want to build in your life.

This statement here speaks volumes, actually.

I used to have beliefs that "all women are whores" and that women were all sorts of nasty things.

Now I find myself asking, "Where the hell did all the whores go?"

[Angela]

Originally Posted by James81

Now I find myself asking, "Where the hell did all the whores go?"

Isn't it funny how when you transform yourself, all those "negative people" just *POOF!* disappear?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Isn't it funny how when you transform yourself, all those "negative people" just *POOF!* disappear?

Right???

It's funny, too, because during our excursions on saturday night, me and some friends would up in a strip club. And wouldn't you know it, a stripper came and sat right next to me at the table.

And you'd think, hmmm, if there aren't whores here, then where would they be? But nope, I discovered that she in fact was not a whore, she was actually a marine biologist in training in her 6th year of school (out of 8). And that she'd never danced for a girl before (I know this because I was trying to buy a lap dance for one of my lady friends who were with us, but they weren't having it. )

Makes me wonder if all whores aren't just marine biologists in training. Ponder this, I will.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by James81

me and some friends would up in a strip club.

Was this a freudian slip?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Was this a freudian slip?

No, I'd say that looks like a bold declaration to the universe!

Time to introduce nake Thursdays to the group and see how that flies.

[Johnny Skosnik]

Originally Posted by honbloke

The people that I meet always talk about the same boring stuff like the World Cup right now or Dota all day.

Don't think of it as boring, but as an opportunity to expand your knowledge. Say "huh, I'm unfamiliar with (topic), can you tell me more about it?" The other person will almost always respond favorably.

Originally Posted by honbloke

It's not easy to make friends with people with different interest. I like anime a lot and consider myself an otaku. Unfortunately otaku has the stereotype of being nerdy, childish and anti social but I got used to how people viewed me. If people wish to accept me, then they gonna have to accept that otaku side of me.

I totally resonate with you on this, I'm into many different fringe interests myself, like furry. When someone asks about your hobbies have a simple, direct answer: "well I like Japanese animated cartoons, also know as anime." If they're interested they'll respond with a question, you can build from there.

Originally Posted by honbloke

Yet I always amazed at how some people can form that strong bond without doing anything much. Just a bit of witty and humorous lines here and there and they automatically attract people. I wish I could pull off that amazing ability sometimes.

It's a skill that takes time and practice but is very worthwhile to master. As others have noted you do this by being an open, friendly person genuinely interested in what others are saying.

[noitcefrep]

I never thought about implementing a specific course of action to make friends, or actively manipulating the social situation so that friendship as a result is favorable, but I can understand why these ideas might work.

I personally have a difficult time making and maintaining friendship, but I'd have to say the challenge with me is on the maintenance end. I can always strike up a conversation with a stranger and we both are positive and friendly the entire time, but in the rare circumstance where information is exchanged, I almost always never follow through with contacting them again, or if I do it lasts for a very short period of time. It's not that I have no interest in maintaining a friendship, I think it's because I'm simply lazy to achieve a lasting friendship.

I think I also have the feeling that while I may have had a good time talking with the person, the back of my mind is telling me that they were simply appeasing me for the time being, and in reality they have no intention or want to become my friend. If I call them or message them, are they going to sidestep my invitation time and time again, seeing how they obviously have a more interesting life and an existing social circle?

I think insecurity in these thoughts is a strong force for me that hinders my ability to maintain friends, but I think I'll try some of the things outlined here nonetheless.

[BillyTheAdult]

I can start talking to new people. I always have a hard time asking people to hang out. Also I find it hard to really, really let true self show until I know some one well. This is all ironic and stupid and frustrating because I actually have highly developed social skills and a dynamic personality. I just start to feel very unsure when about asking people to come and hang out, even when they are showing me they want to. I have the exact same problem when it comes to dating, I just get so nervous about the asking. Actually though I am a well rounded honest person of, high integrity, the kind of guy a real woman wants, and fairly good looking too (I think.) Sometimes I actually think my problem is many people are not up to my same level of living and when I meat someone who is it is so rare I freak out, it really will be my only chance to meet some one like that probably for a while. Just as a side note I am not a snob, I talk to and hang out with people of any variety but often there is no real spark there.

[MidasGirl]

This was hilarious to read.

Is this like PUA advice for friendships?

I can't imagine going out of my way to get a rare thing for anyone in order to make others perceive me as somewhat of a higher value. *gag* *gag* *gag*

Usually just being genuinely interested in people has worked for me pretty well. But keep buying the rare coffee if that is what works for ya

Originally Posted by 180

I notice a lot of people have a hard time making friends. They seem to lack the... social senses.

I've been ruminating a lot about how many friends I've made in my life. How I made them. And some of the most successful people at making friends are.

Know what? It's so simple if you're lacking any social/emotional sense.

Become a "rarity hunter" and share your bounty.
I find that the people I'm closest with offer me worlds I've never seen before. Special types of hooka, coffees, foods, etc. SOMETHING that was out of the ordinary.

For example, some of my friends are DJ's. 3 I can think of.. any sort of "rare" person is someone I keep friends with.

Just to tell you, what I offer is a RARE friendship. I'm one of those guys are undyingly loyal. I would fight to death for my friends. Never cheat with their girlfriends and I back up 1000% I'm one of those rare friends that would help you unconditionally. Time or distance doesn't matter to me. This is my strategy and its the reason why I've been able to keep my friends. (But this doesn't work for everybody, so don't try to copy this strategy)

So if you're weird and can't seem to make friends and people get away from you... try this

If you're working in a typical cubical setting... people love coffee. Try going online and finding a very rare and expensive kind of coffee. Bring it to work and ONLY share it with your most trusted co-worker. But make sure other people see you giving this rare and expensive coffee ONLY to the person you are closest to (Don't be cheesy and give it only to a guy/girl you like at work). Give it to someone in your "inner" circle. DO NOT OFFER IT TO PEOPLE. make people come to you!

What happens is you make that person, you shared it with, feel so special and your value skyrockets tremendously. AND Other people watching suddenly perceive value in being friends with you.

People will come up to you and be like... "hey mike, that's some kind of rare coffee? Mind if I try some?"

Be like "sure I can give you a little bit to try". (DON'T OVER DO IT). Remember you want to look like you have what they want. Give them too much too early and they won't value it. Value lies in rarity. People don't like what they can have too easily (This applies to dating too)

I've tested this theory (literally tested, it was an experiment). I had a rare tea from China that when added with hot water explodes into a blossom within your cup (google it if you're interested). I gave it only to this co-worker that I was pretty good friends with. People onlooking were like "hey... wtf is that? I want some of that". But hey, guess what? 180 is the only person who knows about it.

Suddenly your value goes up tremendously. You have something people want. And you are their only source.

But you can't do coffee forever. Come in maybe once a month was some interesting find. It doesn't have to be food. It can be information, like what is the latest concert.

[Mounds]

Lol, your response got me laughing Midasgirl. I agree, you don't have hold a carrot in front of people to get them to follow you into friendship.

[180]

Friendship is about gain.

We have friendships because we want something from people, whether it's companionship, support, good feelings.

Whatever it is, friendship is based on utility.

Call it Machiavellian, but that's simply a label. ALL friendships are like this. It's not good or bad, it's just simply it's true nature.

We like people because they offer some value to us.

Think about it. We all "influence" people in some way. I don't want to break too many fairytale beliefs people have about friendship but I suggested this advice to people who "can't give good feelings or have good emotional aptitude".

It's simply another route to gain friendships.

Think about what kind of people you want to be friends with. If Brad Pitt wanted to be friends with you think you would accept? How about the Bum who lives in a van down by the river?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 180

I suggested this advice to people who "can't give good feelings or have good emotional aptitude".

For people who "can't give good feelings or have good emotional aptitude," I think that a more effective approach to making friends might be to develop their ability to generate good feelings for themselves and others and to develop their emotional aptitude.

If you want to make good friends, I think the most effective approach is to BE a good friend.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by 180

Think about what kind of people you want to be friends with. If Brad Pitt wanted to be friends with you think you would accept? How about the Bum who lives in a van down by the river?

Both would be perfectly fine, it's not a matter of one being a superstar and the other a bum, it's a matter of whether they'd make congenial friends. If Brad Pitt were an ass and treated me like ****, I wouldn't want to be his friend either. I don't even get the point there.

[180]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Both would be perfectly fine, it's not a matter of one being a superstar and the other a bum, it's a matter of whether they'd make congenial friends. If Brad Pitt were an ass and treated me like ****, I wouldn't want to be his friend either. I don't even get the point there.

But you see that is the nature of it. Brad Pitt being an ass means he wouldn't do anything for you. That's why he wouldn't appeal. What if he was an ass to everyone BUT you. You would still be his friend because he still represents gain to you.

Again we grow up believing that friendship is some magical thing that isn't linked to selfishness.

But ALL things are related to selfishness. It's not good or bad, it's just that we grow up believing that selfishness is bad.

Sometimes friends offer mutual synergy. A man who lacks willpower but makes intelligent decisions befriends a man who has gigantic watermelon balls to do anything (but he's a complete idiot). This type of friendship is where they use each other... for utility, but the synergistic gain is what makes the friendship worthwhile.

The "PUA" tactic for friendship. Is used will gain alliances and friendships in the workplace. It's gaining goodwill in transfer for "rare goods"...

People value what is rare... nothing else. It's how I have powerful friends. Like I said, I'm a very loyal, die for my friends type guy. This makes me very rare... especially among the very powerful and rich, because their friends always use them. But I don't. SO I become a rarity to them. I become valuable and they want to be my friend.

You have a friend that is your loyal friend. You value them BECAUSE they are your loyal friend. You trust them. And trust is a very valuable and rare things nowadays.

Friendship is essentially a barter of two rare goods that each person has. They don't have to be... SO rare. but it's something valuable to other person.

[Karanime]

Originally Posted by 180

What if he was an ass to everyone BUT you.

Ahh, a stroke to the ego.

This is the kind of thing that will also work really well. Showing a person an increment of respect over his peers will make him move mountains for you.

Hey, if you're into the kind of thing, read The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. Lots of "PUA friendship" techniques. :P

Actually, for a lot of the PUA culture, The 48 Laws is standard reading.

Like I said, I'm a very loyal, die for my friends type guy. This makes me very rare... especially among the very powerful and rich, because their friends always use them. But I don't. SO I become a rarity to them. I become valuable and they want to be my friend.

Stating this, I suspect mindset is a strong part of how easily friendships come to you. I'm also this type of rarity, but it doesn't attract anything. And it's likely because of how I think of it. You think of it as something others want. I think of it as a disrespected trait. Very mentality-oriented.

/<3

[brendannz]

I find that friendships work best when you're not trying to gain anything from them, and you go into them because you believe you're an awesome person to share with others..

As well, everybody's a potential friend, but nobody's got time for everyone, so you share yourself with the people who you have time and commonality to share with.

& also not caring what other people think of you works well too, with making friends. If you believe you're an awesome person, you won't feel like you've lost something if someone rejects your friendship.

That's what works best with me... We've been making friends since we were 3 years old or something, so it shouldn't be too hard...

[SeaRod]

what I offer is a RARE friendship. I'm one of those guys are undyingly loyal. I would fight to death for my friends.

That's cool but would they? True friendships only reveal themselves in times of crisis.

Who cares about offering something rare; all that matters with friends is that they are there in rough times. There to listen, there to empathize, there to understand.

Friendship is about gain.

We have friendships because we want something from people, whether it's companionship, support, good feelings.


Whatever it is, friendship is based on utility.

Seems like you been reading a little too much PUA material lately Friendship is not a business transaction. Genuine friendship is about sharing (one of many traits).

Call it Machiavellian, but that's simply a label. ALL friendships are like this. It's not good or bad, it's just simply it's true nature.

You are making dangerous assumptions with the statements above.
1. All friendships are not like a business transaction
2. You are closing the definition of "friendship" by saying that it is "simply it's true nature". Ok, so who are you to define and set in stone what friendship is?
3. Yes there is some utility factor in friendships but genuine friendships go beyond utility.
4. If your friendships are strictly based on utility, then you are just scratching the surface. Let's see how many of those "friendships" are there in times of crisis.

Think about what kind of people you want to be friends with. If Brad Pitt wanted to be friends with you think you would accept? How about the Bum who lives in a van down by the river?

You need to re-evaluate your definition of friendship. Will I just be Brad Pitt's friend because he is Brad Pitt? You serious man?

People value what is rare... nothing else. It's how I have powerful friends. Like I said, I'm a very loyal, die for my friends type guy. This makes me very rare... especially among the very powerful and rich, because their friends always use them. But I don't. SO I become a rarity to them. I become valuable and they want to be my friend.

Stop focusing so much on what society values and start focusing on what you value. Then you will start making some progress in your definition of friendship.

[180]

Originally Posted by SeaRod

That's cool but would they? True friendships only reveal themselves in times of crisis.

Who cares about offering something rare; all that matters with friends is that they are there in rough times. There to listen, there to empathize, there to understand.


Seems like you been reading a little too much PUA material lately Friendship is not a business transaction. Genuine friendship is about sharing (one of many traits).


You are making dangerous assumptions with the statements above.
1. All friendships are not like a business transaction
2. You are closing the definition of "friendship" by saying that it is "simply it's true nature". Ok, so who are you to define and set in stone what friendship is?
3. Yes there is some utility factor in friendships but genuine friendships go beyond utility.
4. If your friendships are strictly based on utility, then you are just scratching the surface. Let's see how many of those "friendships" are there in times of crisis.


You need to re-evaluate your definition of friendship. Will I just be Brad Pitt's friend because he is Brad Pitt? You serious man?



Stop focusing so much on what society values and start focusing on what you value. Then you will start making some progress in your definition of friendship.

You seem to disagree with the premise that friendship is for gain.

If that is not the case I can't exactly agree with you anywhere.

Friendship is for self gain. All cases, no exceptions.

[SeaRod]

If you view Friendships as a vehicle for self-gain that is what you will attract. You will only attract friendships that are business transactions. I used to be in your shoes and it is not fun. Imagine somebody was your friend only because you brought rare coffee beans to work. Is that a ground for true, longlasting friendship?

Friendship is for self gain. All cases, no exceptions.

That is a highly un-empathetic way of life, just thinking about your self and your needs. (Are you an only child btw?) Imagine your caretaker not sacrificing their needs inorder for your needs to be met as a youngster growing up.

Anyways, selfishness is not a "wrong" way of living but a rather youngminded view of the world.

That is also a very close-minded statement. All i ask for is to keep an open view on friendship and remember, not everyone is out to get you

[180]

Originally Posted by SeaRod

If you view Friendships as a vehicle for self-gain that is what you will attract. You will only attract friendships that are business transactions. I used to be in your shoes and it is not fun. Imagine somebody was your friend only because you brought rare coffee beans to work. Is that a ground for true, longlasting friendship?


That is a highly un-empathetic way of life, just thinking about your self and your needs. (Are you an only child btw?) Imagine your caretaker not sacrificing their needs inorder for your needs to be met as a youngster growing up.

Anyways, selfishness is not a "wrong" way of living but a rather youngminded view of the world.

That is also a very close-minded statement. All i ask for is to keep an open view on friendship and remember, not everyone is out to get you

It's not bad, it's just the way it is.

One is assuming that such is a perspective is jaded and emotionally draining. No rather it's looking at reality for what it really is.

Take for example, relationships. Most of us grow up thinking of finding "true love" and "the one" and some other fairy tale fantasy. Where do we learn such concepts? From fairy tales. If you've started dating then maybe you know things don't work out the way we want them to. And the principals of attraction are NOT what we want. We label women as gold diggers... but hey guess what. That's what women are. We label men as shallow for wanting women only for their bodies. But hey guess what, that's what they are. Women like men for money, men like women for hot bodies. (Of course there are exceptions but generally discrepancies are looking for long term partners, which again... is a selfish endeavor...)

When you take away the veil and actually see reality for what it really is, it seems nasty at first, but at least you can realistically deal with the situation.


Same goes for friendship.

The problem why most people refuse to look at friendship that way is because we've been trained not to think like that.
Selfish = bad.
But selfish is not "bad", if it's mutually beneficial for both parties.

I feel like a broken record. But the key is to understand it, but not apply any emotion to it. We have internalized by society to view selfishness as a bad thing. SO we think friendship = Selfish = Bad. There's some line of thinking that the mind is saying, "oh no friendship can't be a selfish thing, It's too jaded~! I won't think that way. I won't except that this world is selfish. Because selfish is bad!"

Fact is every single action everyone takes is selfish. There's no denying it. Friendships are just another facet of this principal.

Everyday your mind and you are calculating what benefits yourself the most. It's unconscious.

Why did mother Teresea sacrifice her entire life to help other people? It was a selfish decision. You think mother Teresea would have done all that she did if she didn't believe in an afterlife? Do you think she did all those things without expectation of getting through those pearly gates? Why the hell else would she do it?

Why would a man sacrifice his life for a bus full of kids? because he wants prestige, he wants to know his life is of value and that he is helping someone. He wants to know he is doing the right thing. This is valuable but it's still selfish. There is value added to himself, so he does it. He values that bus full of kids more than himself, doesn't seem selfish on the face of things, but internally he is making a value judgement and chooses the bus full of kids to save.

I know someones going to argue with me about the world being selfish, but probably because you haven't tread Richard Dawkins. Altruism is selfish on some deep level of all humanity.

Your friend, he gives you the latest CD and is nice to you. Why? Because he wants you to be happy. Why does he want you to be happy? because making you happy makes HIM feel good.

See where I'm going with this?

Inevitably all actions we aim to make us feel good or achieve some benefit.

[180]

Oh and so in conclusion.

If you want to make friends, understand the nature of friendship without getting emotionally sensitive.

Someone's going to go through some emotional psychotic episode with the realization that their friends are all selfish.

"OH REALLY? people weren't nice to me because they liked me? People don't do things for me out of the goodness of their heart?" (which again would be selfish thinking lol).

Look I don't know how many life experiences you guys have... But look at your friendships from this view. Why do you have friends. Look deep within yourself.

They make you feel good? You like them? Why do you like them? They have some quality you like? You can learn something from them? etc?

There is some value to YOU. A selfish value for keeping friends around. Maybe you have a friend who is weaker than you. Why do you keep him around? To make yourself feel better about yourself. Elation.

If humans weren't selfish you would see many a people running around kissing animals and plants, finding wild lions to give their life too.

"Hey wild Lion! eat my meat, it's delicious! I love you!"

If you want to make friends, understand it. Offer value to people. That's it. Gain competency or expertise on some valuable level and offer it in people in EXCHANGE for something. Whatever you want. Loyalty, Kindness, whatever...