Advice on: How to make friends... easily

[James81]

Originally Posted by 180

Friendship is for self gain. All cases, no exceptions.

I can see how this would seem real to somebody who believes it so strongly. That's because we tend to create the reality that we *believe* exists. It's the classic "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. Is that just the way it is...or is it the way it is because you believe that's the way it is and you've costructed your reality to reinforce it.

The mind will reinforce what we believe. It will filter anything that doesn't agree with what we believe out in such a way as to make what we believe *reality*.

You say that friendship is for self gain. I would be more likely to say that friendship is for mutual benefit. Neither of those veiwpoints are "wrong" per se, but can you see how the approach and dealings would be different between those two beliefs? On the one hand, a friendship designed around self gain only is going to probably generate insecurity, mistrust, and conflict. At least that's what I would think. I would think that somebody believing that friendship is only based on self gain would have a hard time attracting friends who aren't selfish.

On the other hand, however, if one were to believe that friendship is for mutual benefit, there might be a bit more reciprocity show up in those relationships. More of a giving nature. A little more freedom.

And the funny thing is, these two beliefs aren't the only approaches. Many people have many different approaches and filters through which they view friendship. Some of them are effective, some of them only reinforce the misery and pain that a person is already feeling.

[MidasGirl]

Maybe you just don't have it in you to organically attract friendship without resorting to pandering and manipulation?. That is ok too. But you seem like it would be very tiring to have you as a friend. I wouldn't mind having you as someone I get rare coffee from once in a while though.

Originally Posted by 180

Oh and so in conclusion.

If you want to make friends, understand the nature of friendship without getting emotionally sensitive.

Someone's going to go through some emotional psychotic episode with the realization that their friends are all selfish.

"OH REALLY? people weren't nice to me because they liked me? People don't do things for me out of the goodness of their heart?" (which again would be selfish thinking lol).

Look I don't know how many life experiences you guys have... But look at your friendships from this view. Why do you have friends. Look deep within yourself.

They make you feel good? You like them? Why do you like them? They have some quality you like? You can learn something from them? etc?

There is some value to YOU. A selfish value for keeping friends around. Maybe you have a friend who is weaker than you. Why do you keep him around? To make yourself feel better about yourself. Elation.

If humans weren't selfish you would see many a people running around kissing animals and plants, finding wild lions to give their life too.

"Hey wild Lion! eat my meat, it's delicious! I love you!"

If you want to make friends, understand it. Offer value to people. That's it. Gain competency or expertise on some valuable level and offer it in people in EXCHANGE for something. Whatever you want. Loyalty, Kindness, whatever...

[Martin S]

So to summarize everything that 180 said: to have many friends you have to make yourself useful to many people.

What some people do not realize is that the best friendships/relationships are the ones where both people benefit in some way from being together (whether they consciously know about it or not). It's not selfish in the sense that we usually think of the word "selfish" because it's not as though one person gains and the other loses - both people gain, but they gain different things from each other.

I love having friends who are thoughtful and deep in their understanding of the world so that we can discuss ideas together. This is beneficial for both of us. I also like to have female friends who have a well developed emotional side because that is something that I don't have so it naturally attracts me because I learn how to be more sensitive to people's emotions. Whereas my friends seem to be attracted to me for ideas. As one of my friends put it: I make her consciously understand what she intuitively knows to be true. I think that was perfectly said.