Hard for me to not be Needy? HELP

[moonshooter]

Hi Everyone,

My ex and I broke up over a week ago, but we live together. Try as we might to adapt to the new situation, we still had feelings for each other and wanted to be together. I know, a week isn't that long. Our issues are still pretty unresolved. She feels smothered by me, but I've been trying really hard to not be demanding or needy. I've tried to read self-help books and everything but feel like I am still failing.

Here is an example of a situation: in our past relationship, there were times when she wanted me to go out with her and her friends and there were times when i wanted her to stay home with me and just be homebodies. i didnt have that much fun when going out with her and her friends and so i started to do it less, although i encouraged her to go see them if she wanted. obviously i also wanted her to stay home but i didnt want her to feel like i was tying her down. over time, she stayed home more and more and saw them less. it was something she grew resentful about. i also grew attached to the fact that she was spending all her time with me and our co-dependence increased dramatically.

now: since we've gotten back together, she wants to be with me but wants an independent life. i would like to give her that but i love her and am very attached to her. i offered now to go with her and her friends like how she wanted before. but now shes the complete opposite. because she knows i dont have that much fun, she feels like me coming would just make her feel awkward. she said that me doing that would be smothering. im trying to be the person she wanted me to be when we were in a relationship together but she still calls me needy.

what should i do? it is difficult to go from co-dependence to complete independence.

[rei]

I'd say the goal is not independence, but rather interdependence.

Develop your own interests, reconnect with members of your individual social circle (your own friends or family, not her friends or friends of the couple), explore those things you enjoy that she is not as interested in doing. Having your own interests and having your own time apart is healthy in a relationship.

I think the key here is to be comfortable with spending time apart, rather than tagging along with her if she doesn't want that. So instead of trying it that way, you might tell her to enjoy time with her friends as you do [something for you as the individual, which you would enjoy, rather than something for the couple]. She might actually prefer that you spend time with your own friends, whether she comes along or not. And if you haven't got a very large social circle, there's always time to start meeting people. Try meetup.com to see what interests are in your area.

Having a social circle helps a lot when you're in a relationship, because then you are not depending on that one person to meet all your social/emotional needs. And having more people to connect with can mean there's not a sense of urgency when your partner wants to do something you're not as into.

[Eduard E]

LOL man! What are you doing still living with your ex? Yeah it's difficult to go to independence when you're still with her a big part of each day. 1) Get some distance between you, 2) then work on your beliefs system.