How do you split chores with your partner?

[aelle]

I moved in a little over a month ago with my partner of 2 years and have been surprised with how daily (and not-so-daily chores) spontaneously got sorted.

I am curious to know how forum members who live with their partner split chores. Please give more details in the comments, in particular whether you are a man or a woman, in a hetero relationship or not, who in your couple works outside the home (if any), what kind of specific arrangement you have reached and whether you're happy with it or not!

[ssandra]

We split everything equally.. Meaning, the person who works most and an "outside" job, does least in the house.

Some things I truly dislike and he'll do, other things he truly dislikes and I'll do.

We have been in the situation that I was working and he wasn't so he did 90% of all the chores at home.

We have been in the situation that we were both working and we split the chores more or less equally. I'd do the laundry and he'd do the cleaning and we split the dishes.

Right now he works more outside then me, but we have a help to clean for us. So I'm doing most of the dishes and shopping and cooking.
But when I'm not in the mood I'll ask him to do it, and he'll do it. Or when I am busy, and he is less busy he'll do it.

[Mounds]

I work 5-6 days a week and my wife has 4 on/4 off. She does most of the house cleaning.
For daily chores (watering plants, feeding animals, ect.), we both work at them until they are done. Then we sit down and relax at the same time. I find that works the best for us.
Cool thread!

-Tim

[SomeRandomGuy]

I work at 9-5 job. My wife does not work outside of the home. She handles most of the cleaning, cooking, etc. I do most of the outside chores (mowing grass, taking out the trash, etc). She helps with certain outside chores (such as caring for the plants) and will ask me to help with cleaning/cooking from time to time. The arrangement works out very well for us, but are not exactly in a "normal" situation in this dual-income world we live in.

[Plays With Life]

I tend to handle things that I want done around the house spontaneously, when I live alone. I've done it the same way when I've lived with girlfriends. I wouldn't be interested in planning it out, or deciding who's going to do what. I just do what I feel like doing, she does what she feels like doing, sometimes what we each feel like doing is different for periods - and we're both happy.

[Honeywith4bees]

I'm a female, married in a hetero relationship. Between my husband and I, we have seven kids and five cats living with us full time. We both have full time jobs but he is his own boss and has a home office that he is often working out of.

We have some chores that we split (I cook three nights a week, he cooks three nights a week and we eat out once a week), some chores that I do all of (he hates doing laundry and I don't mind, he loves doing the yard chores), some chores we both detest but just pick one and do it (cleaning bathrooms, emptying the garbage), and some that we do together (food shopping).

We did spend time before moving in together discussing who would do what and when and we continue to renegotiate and try to get the children involved.

Our biggest negotiation point so far is that he doesn't like to ask the kids to pitch in and I think that it's a must.

[Angela]

Each of us does exactly what we're inspired to do, no more, no less. If one of us feels it's important for a chore to be done, that one does it hermself. Otherwise, it doesn't get done. No problem.

Honey, seven kids and five cats!! Wow!!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Angela

Honey, seven kids and five cats!! Wow!!

That's exactly what I thought. That sounds like several handfuls, Honey.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

That's exactly what I thought. That sounds like several handfuls, Honey.

It sure is! The cats are always getting into things, trying to sleep in between my feet at night, eating me out of house and home . . .

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

It sure is! The cats are always getting into things, trying to sleep in between my feet at night, eating me out of house and home . . .

It sounds like a lot of fun, too.

[James81]

Originally Posted by honeywith4bees

we have seven kids and five cats living with us full time.

yikes!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

It sounds like a lot of fun, too.

Imagine 5 teenage boys, 2 preteen boys and one red headed, fiery tempered preteen girl

(People wonder why I do so much yoga!!! )

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Imagine 5 teenage boys, 2 preteen boys and one red headed, fiery tempered preteen girl

(People wonder why I do so much yoga!!! )

I guess she's learned to hold her own with all the boys.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by James81

yikes!

I credit vodka and yoga for saving my sanity

Though not usually at the same time!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Imagine 5 teenage boys, 2 preteen boys and one red headed, fiery tempered preteen girl

(People wonder why I do so much yoga!!! )

O.... M...... G.........


Wow.... Just .... Wow.....

Euh... and not to be too much on the numbers... but you said 7 kids and 5 cats... this seems like 8 kids...? Or am I missing something?

How are your cats? Do they come checking you out when you do yoga? Mine always comes checking me out whenever I meditate... so cute! I love cats! If it wasn't for my husband, I'd be having 10 cats

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by ssandra

O.... M...... G.........


Wow.... Just .... Wow.....

Euh... and not to be too much on the numbers... but you said 7 kids and 5 cats... this seems like 8 kids...? Or am I missing something?

How are your cats? Do they come checking you out when you do yoga? Mine always comes checking me out whenever I meditate... so cute! I love cats! If it wasn't for my husband, I'd be having 10 cats

I love your reaction!

The cats are the best ~ we have one that comes to our skylight every night and meows until we let him in, another that only seems to be able to sleep on my sewing fabric ( grrrrr) and another that wants to dominate all the other kitties.

I wanted to bring a cat home the other day that I saw walking around in the city alone but it didn't seem appropriate !

[Elrond]

My grandparents had like, 11 kids. I think theirs were much more spread out than yours, though.

[Weena]

It depends what chores and when. I mostly do the chores but recently my husband has been helping a lot because he reduced his number of days per week at work for a little while (to enjoy his new baby + tot + wife ). I guess when he goes back full-time I'll go back to my full time chores. Some outdoor chores are more often done by him (getting the trash out, chopping some wood...though sometimes i do it too...if i get in the mood and want some fresh air ).

[aelle]

Here's my situation, and why it surprised me (which is why I started the thread).

I make money for the 2 of us while my (male) partner works on his thesis, but we are out and active for the same amount of time every day. Yet it seems my partner has taken most of the burden of the chores. He does the most time consuming ones: he cleans 100% of the dishes, for which I am so grateful because I hate them with a passion, he prepares meals most of the time, he keeps the apartment tidy. I do most of the cleaning (a couple time a week at most) and the laundry, which I enjoy. I take care of the plants. We go grocery shopping together, we both do maintenance around the house (engineers FTW!) and my partner builds furniture because he loves it (I'm not talking assembling Ikea shelves, I'm talking serious woodwork).

My surprise is twofold: first, that we spontaneously went for a pattern that doesn't fit traditional gender roles, when we were both raised in somewhat traditional homes with stay at home mothers (women typically do the most repetitive and ungratifying tasks while men do less frequent and more intellectually challenging tasks). We make a lot of conscious choices in our relationship that are not traditional, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that even when we weren't paying attention we didn't fall back into heteronormative patterns that most likely wouldn't have worked out for us.

Second, that we spontaneously went for a win-win situation: I feel that I get the better side of the deal because, hello, NO DISHES, and he feels he gets the better side because NO CLEANING THE TOILET. I guess I had this belief that chores are necessarily an annoyance that you have to reluctantly push through but that keep piling up despite your best efforts (that's definitely what it felt like when I was living with my parents). Now it actually feels effortless and pleasing. Yay for living arrangements that make everyone happy!

[Weena]

Grocery shopping to me is worse than dishes and toilet bowl cleaning. I recently discovered that a big supermarket in town does internet shopping option and delivers for free... yay, no more grocery shopping! Click click click and a nice fellow comes with a truck and carries all my groceries to the kitchen table. Freakin yay.'I still shop for fruits and vegs though, i like selecting those by myself .

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by aelle

My surprise is twofold: first, that we spontaneously went for a pattern that doesn't fit traditional gender roles, when we were both raised in somewhat traditional homes with stay at home mothers

Not so surprising though, given the current western culture.

Originally Posted by aelle

(women typically do the most repetitive and ungratifying tasks while men do less frequent and more intellectually challenging tasks).

Depends on what kind of work they do outside of the home. A guy can work as an accountant in an air-conditioned office. He can also work as a construction worker in everything from blistering heat to pouring rain. A gal can work tiresome nightshifts as a nurse. Or she can work as a paper-shuffling HR representative. (of course men and women can work in most things, so don't get me started...)

Which assumes that you're not just talking about work at home, because I'm not so sure about work at home which is intellectually challenging and infrequent. Perhaps more complex and infrequent tasks like car maintenance.

[votoshka]

I used to try for 50/50 when my husband and I were both studying or working. However, it was usually me doing my 50 and then nagging him to do his 50 :P Like, we agreed to take turns with the dishes. Now, to me doing dishes is more like doing "dishes"... it also involves tidying the kitchen (ie putting away cooking stuff and whatever we've used) and cleaning the benches AND rinsing out the sink after doing dishes. Basically cleaning up! He would do the dishes (and more often than not forget to drain the manky water out of the sink).

Most cleaning, I would do... although I'd get him to help. This usually involved me telling him what to do because he wouldn't know otherwise (???) I always said, geez look at what's messy/dirty and remove the mess/dirt! Common sense

Well, eventually we had kids, I spent more time at home, and got sick of nagging... and of getting "attitude" from friends of his that I was always bossing him around (basically, if I don't ask him to do stuff... he doesn't do it... so therefore I'm "bossy" and "demanding" because I don't do all the stuff like a good little housewife and let him sit on his butt doing nothing), I just stopped asking him to help!

This was annoying, and frustrating... but meh... I let it go. At the moment he's living in the country and working in his parents' business, so I'm looking after the kids and therefore doing everything. Oddly, I much prefer doing everything when there's no one sitting around doing nothing (or at least, very little... except when pushed, prodded and nagged).

Anyway, I was raised in a house where my dad did most of the outside stuff, and mum did most of the inside stuff. This worked for them, and I think they saw it as an even exchange. Both worked, and both earned similar salaries (if anything, my mum was the higher income earner).

I'm honestly not fussed doing the housework inside if my husband is outside gardening, but he hates gardening. Whenever I get annoyed with the mess, weeds outside, it's usually me dragging him out to help Although he does mow the lawn. Errm... and prune sometimes (I think he just likes to cut things...). But our yard was never the tidy yard my parents have!

I think it's really great when you can work out stuff between the pair of you, and it all just fits in together nicely! I just like things to be pretty square workwise between the pair of us.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Elrond

Not so surprising though, given the current western culture.

I'm not sure the western culture is as progressive as you seem to think. The overwhelming majority of stay at home partners are still women, and regardless of who works outside the home, women on a whole do most of the housework (more when they're shacked up than when they're married, on average). And like I said, both my partner and I were raised by our stay at home mother who did the majority of the housework, so our current system is going against our environment.

Originally Posted by Elrond

Depends on what kind of work they do outside of the home. A guy can work as an accountant in an air-conditioned office. He can also work as a construction worker in everything from blistering heat to pouring rain. A gal can work tiresome nightshifts as a nurse. Or she can work as a paper-shuffling HR representative. (of course men and women can work in most things, so don't get me started...)

Which assumes that you're not just talking about work at home, because I'm not so sure about work at home which is intellectually challenging and infrequent. Perhaps more complex and infrequent tasks like car maintenance.

I was talking about housework specifically. And the tasks I was thinking as more frequently done by men and more gratifying are things like yardwork, car repair, house repair, building things. The tasks that allow you to save the day, so to speak (that's what comes out of studies, not my anecdotical experience).

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Most cleaning, I would do... although I'd get him to help. This usually involved me telling him what to do because he wouldn't know otherwise (???) I always said, geez look at what's messy/dirty and remove the mess/dirt! Common sense

Just in defense a little bit here.... I cannot see these things either That's why, before we had help, my husband would ask me to vacuum, clean the kitchen, or do whatever else needed to be done. Because, although I didn't minded (much) to do it, I really, honestly, simply didn't see it.

I have a very limited view regarding mess. I can step over something 5 times a day, and it will simply not register in my mind. If it doesn't register, it will not even enter my mind to pick it up... I simply do not see it...

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by aelle

I'm not sure the western culture is as progressive as you seem to think. The overwhelming majority of stay at home partners are still women, and regardless of who works outside the home, women on a whole do most of the housework (more when they're shacked up than when they're married, on average).

A culture can be intellectually progressive, even if it isn't directly reflected in that cultures reality. In this case it means that it is much more acceptable than before for a woman to work full time. In fact I don't know if someone would think less of a woman for primarily working and not being being very "homey". To perhaps a lesser degree, it is more acceptable for a man to be a househusband. A woman has the same opportunities as a man to become an engineer, like yourself (or not in your experience?). Where I live women will get preferiential treatment when it comes to entering most engineering college programs. But in reality there are many more male engineers than female. It is very acceptable for a woman to enter that profession (well it seems to me), but in reality not too many do that. This doesn't necessarilty mean that the women aren't politically/intellectually progressive. It might just mean that they have other wants and desires, but at the same time they don't think that being an engineer is a bad choice because one is a woman. It is similar to equality of oppurtunity vs equality of outcome.

Originally Posted by aelle

And like I said, both my partner and I were raised by our stay at home mother who did the majority of the housework, so our current system is going against our environment.

Yes, going against the environment of your close family. But perhaps not so much when it comes to your environment outside of it, like the rest of society that you are living in.

Originally Posted by aelle

I was talking about housework specifically. And the tasks I was thinking as more frequently done by men and more gratifying are things like yardwork, car repair, house repair, building things. The tasks that allow you to save the day, so to speak (that's what comes out of studies, not my anecdotical experience).

OK. But saying that they are more gratifying is pretty subjective. Unless the studies documented that the people participating in it as a whole felt that it was more gratifying.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Elrond

A woman has the same opportunities as a man to become an engineer, like yourself (or not in your experience?).

Not really, no. But that's a whole other topic.

Originally Posted by Elrond

Yes, going against the environment of your close family. But perhaps not so much when it comes to your environment outside of it, like the rest of society that you are living in.

See, I am now very curious as to what your native culture is that is in fact so progressive (you haven't said). I personally do not know IRL a single couple or family unit with a full time stay at home husband. I know one couple where the man temporarily spent more time in the home than his wife. And I would guess I know roughly 1 stay at home wife for every 2 working wives. So society at large as I know it does overwhelmingly overrepresent women in the stay at home camp. I do not claim for my personal experience to be representative of the whole of Western Europe, but since we are talking here specifically of the environment that mold one's unconscious behaviours, it's the kind of data that is relevant.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by aelle

See, I am now very curious as to what your native culture is that is in fact so progressive (you haven't said). I personally do not know IRL a single couple or family unit with a full time stay at home husband. I know one couple where the man temporarily spent more time in the home than his wife. And I would guess I know roughly 1 stay at home wife for every 2 working wives. So society at large as I know it does overwhelmingly overrepresent women in the stay at home camp. I do not claim for my personal experience to be representative of the whole of Western Europe, but since we are talking here specifically of the environment that mold one's unconscious behaviours, it's the kind of data that is relevant.

Scandinavia.

I didn't mean to imply that the society that you're living in is very different from the family you grew up in. But I realize it might have been interpreted like that due to what it was responding to. My point was that society as a whole, though it doesn't have many househusbands or anything like that, is very accepting of the thought of women working more outside of the home, and men working more in the home (I think to a lesser degree). When some study shows that men are working more in the home, it gets celebrated. When some study shows that women are working more outside the home, it gets celebrated. When a study shows that men are earning more than women, it is a cause for concern. But I do acknowledge that the way your partner and you lives is unusual to how most people live. It's just that it might not be very radical compared to peoples attitudes about that stuff.