Yelling & Anger about doing Chores

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

I think I'm worried about how much time doing all the chores will take that won't leave much time to work on other stuff.

How much time do you spend on that other stuff now?
And also, I think the point is not in how much time you spend on something but how efficient you are and how much you actually get done, no?

Originally Posted by roxyruby

weeding the (very big) garden, hosing the garden each day, how many hours would that take per day?
And what's it doing for my future? or anyone elses future? Is it bringing in money? Absolutely nothing.

As far as your garden goes,working in it could be a meditative thing, for me at least, you could use your time there to simply let go of other things and thoughts. I don't know what it looks like but couldn't you make your videos there? I personally would like watching a video with nature in the backround....
just a thought...

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by Weena

Is this related to your social anxiety/shyness problem? How is expressing a wish being "nagging"? Why do you fear to be abandoned (did he say that at some point or is it a fear that you deal with internally)? I sound like i pry, you don't have to answer this, but i invite you to answer it to yourself... You often state that all humans are equal, beautiful, worthy...you are human RR!!! You can count yourself amongst the wonderful beings...

Oh maybe its another self worth thing. Like if my boyfriend doesn't like me or leaves me, it means I am low in worth. But that's not true. I feel better now

[butterflyeffect]

Evening RR,

I think how your suggestions are going to be recieved is going to depend on the motivation behind them.

Like Mr boyf, let me clean out ur spare room so I can move in. I am only doing this so I can move in.
Vs.
I love you and want you to have more space and freedom. I would like to help you clear out you and your parents clean out the room. You can do watever you want with the clean room, it even if thats start a fake tan salon and wear coconut shells on your head.

- then offer him to help clean it out or his parents, organise to sell the junk on ebay for cash and wait for their response. Tell them its an open offer, let them know if their interested and then drop it.
Nagging would be reminding him alot.

[roxyruby]

I actually came to a big realization, funnily enough, by reading a book about over-eating.

What I was doing to myself, is when my mum tells me to go to a chore, the belief in my mind going on would be "I HAVE TO do this chore right now. I MUST do this chore right now. I HAVE NO CHOICE. "

But I was happily involved in something else and not wanting to do that right now. So would bring up anger, frustration, depression, tenseness.

Then I'd go and numb the unpleasant feelings with food by overeating.

But I realized, I DO have a choice.

I can CHOOSE to not do anything and for her to yell and get angry. And CHOOSE to do it a bit later at a time that I CHOOSE. I can CHOOSE to not do it and have people like me less. I can CHOOSE to not do it and have a worse reputation to other people.

I had NEVER considered having these CHOICES before.

Because SHE CHOSE for me to do something I don't want to do RIGHT NOW (in her mind, with NO choice on my part) when I was busy and involved in doing something else. Would anyone else feel tense/depressed/frustrated/angry if this happened to them?

Everytime this happens usually, I over-eat the most unhealthiest food I can find to try to numb the feeling. And don't do the chore. It feels "overwhelming" & I'd rather just get away from everyone, even if they have a really low opinion of me, which then adds to the depression & overhwhelm of things to "fix" and "do".

I know that's not very nice & maybe it's just my way of looking at things and theres something wrong with that.

Is something wrong with me or is this understandable human pyschology?

[elucidate]

I agree. Is asking a simple question that would make it easier for the two of you to be together be percieved by him as 'nagging'? Why?

You seem to be really afraid of making him mad...how do you know it will make him mad by asking? It seems like you make alot of stuff up in your head without finding out if it is the reality of what will happen. You have every right to ask for what you want in a relationship...There are two of you. It's not just about his needs being met.

Originally Posted by Weena

Is this related to your social anxiety/shyness problem? How is expressing a wish being "nagging"? Why do you fear to be abandoned (did he say that at some point or is it a fear that you deal with internally)? I sound like i pry, you don't have to answer this, but i invite you to answer it to yourself... You often state that all humans are equal, beautiful, worthy...you are human RR!!! You can count yourself amongst the wonderful beings...

[Kathe76]

You know, I skimmed over the responses here, but still felt compelled to write seriously without joking on the thread. Forgive me if I repeat something someone else has said.

For me personally, a lot of this resonates. I spent my childhood emotionally and physically abused and told that I was not wanted by my parents. It was terrible. I had a hard time for a long time dealing with it. I had low self esteem, and never felt good enough. I never stood up for myself and never felt like I had a right to even have a voice to show opposition. I cared way too much about how people viewed me to the point of even a slight raise in someones tone would send me into crying fits.

What I learned is that most of the time, the people abusing us or putting us down in any way are doing so because of their own issues, not us. My grandmother loved me, I know this. She did some wonderful things for me. Most importantly she took me out of a bad situation with my real parents who were heavy into drug addictions and not in their right minds to even care for themselves. I am thankful she rescued me. Every negative thing she did to me I took personally as I was not good enough for her to love, or I did not listen well enough and would get beaten for it. It was ALL ABOUT ME!!

In reality, it was all about her. My mother, her daughter, had me at 15, and died at 20 of a drug overdose. My grandfather was in a terrible accident that rendered him blind and unable to work, therefore, he became a raging alcoholic who beat her on a regular basis. This woman was so riddled with bad circumstances that she felt if she could control me better I would end up doing OK. Her fear of loosing another child and fear of being out of control flipped a switch in her mind to be over controlling and abusive with me. It was her defense mechanism. I only wish I had been able to see that years ago. I could have saved a lot of pain for myself. Not taking things personally when people might confront you on things is very important when it comes to any type of past abuse.

That being said, chores are part of life, as I have seen others say as well. The thing that should happen in any new living situation, even if it is with your parents, is that you should both have what you will and will not accept from the other before you move in. That way you are both on the same page and know the rolls you need to play.

You are worthy of getting a job, a good one. You have to stop thinking you are not. Your laziness as you call it is simply a way for you to not take action. I am not putting you down or judging you, so please do not take it that way. I call it like I see it and if I am wrong feel free to say so. I will not take offense. Take your personal responsibility back along with your personal will and create your life instead of allowing others to do it for you. You are not a victim unless you choose to be one. Stay positive with your self and keep going. You are doing wonderful things.

[roxyruby]

Yes but what is right for me?

I recall looking through the papers at the jobs a couple of times and crying, or feeling like crying, being expected by most people to have one of these boring and unappealing, incompatible jobs my whole life. And I looked at every single job. None felt or looked compatible, interesting, or had my passion in any way.

I most enjoy making money in entrepreneurial ways, doing my own thing, improving myself, with no one telling me what to do (maybe that's related to the thing with my mum) either selling my artwork and creative things I've made, or having my own websites like Steve Pavlina.

That has been the "best" fit for me in terms of being happy and interested in what I'm doing, no it hasn't been the "best" financial fit yet. But people expect me to and want me to be miserable by taking a job I am incompatible with and that is unappealing and boring to me?

Maybe it's not that I am lazy. I've spent hundreds of hours making YouTube videos, making my website and adding content to my website, learning how to make money in entrepreneurial ways etc, maybe because of that's just what I'm interested in, even if it doesn't bring you a lot of money at the start.

So why do a lot of you think I need to get a job? I know you're trying to be helpful, & I appreciate that, (and I know I did say I'm worried about my parents wanting me to give them money to stay here) but I have not yet seen a job in my life that is more compatible, interesting, and enjoying looking than entrepreneurial pursuits. If there was such a job, I'd LOVE to know about it though. But I feel way more at peace, at ease, and relaxed where I'm making money in ways where I don't "have to" do anything, it's all what I choose to do. My parents are happy with my staying here, provided I help with chores sometimes (as my mum said in our long discussion/argument) and learn about making money in some way.

Maybe a lot of people won't like me and think I'm lazy, I don't know if I deserve that or if that is misunderstanding and abusive of them.

What would be better? Me getting a job? Or continuing with what I've been doing? My Overcome Social Anxiety/Weight Loss/ OvercomeProcrastination/Make Money websites, youtube channels, and twitter accounts?

What will be the most beneficial to me and the people of the world?

Maybe if this "option" was more accepted by others I would have had a lot less depression and anxiety and would have been able to get a lot more done and lived up to my potential sooner and been more productive.

[Kathe76]

Well only you can determine what is right for you. I just hope that you feel that you are worthy of having a job if that is what you want. I do not think anyone feels like you should have a job, it just seemed to be a point of interest in your original point. Like minded people care about others that are in need and want to help. Judging by your activity here in the forums, you are cared for quite a bit. Do what makes you happy. If its hanging out at home, then so be it; just do not allow others to project their beliefs on you about it and make you feel bad!!

So if you enjoy being creative with artwork and what not, how about an all in one stop blog? Talk about your SAD, sell your artwork, or maybe go to a place that allows you to be your own vendor and sell your artwork there? Just random thoughts here. If those are the things that make you happy and it gives you a little extra cash, then great.

[roxyruby]

although I wonder if I could study therapy/psychology and get qualifications in that, then give people therapy at my house/by email/or by skype?

I wouldn't have to do what other people tell me to do then would I?

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by Kathe76

Well only you can determine what is right for you. I just hope that you feel that you are worthy of having a job if that is what you want. I do not think anyone feels like you should have a job, it just seemed to be a point of interest in your original point. Like minded people care about others that are in need and want to help. Judging by your activity here in the forums, you are cared for quite a bit. Do what makes you happy. If its hanging out at home, then so be it; just do not allow others to project their beliefs on you about it and make you feel bad!!

So if you enjoy being creative with artwork and what not, how about an all in one stop blog? Talk about your SAD, sell your artwork, or maybe go to a place that allows you to be your own vendor and sell your artwork there? Just random thoughts here. If those are the things that make you happy and it gives you a little extra cash, then great.

Thank You Kathe. But why can't I have a full time income like for example, Steve Pavlina? I don't see why I have to settle for a little extra cash. I believe it is possible, if I keep learning, to earn a full time income without having a "traditional job" like what Steve Pavlina is doing.

I already have some of my artwork for sale on redbubble http://www.redbubble.com/EmilyPatrickArt

and on my website I put a link to this.....although I am worried that maybe that's not a good idea if it's not related to what the website is about, social anxiety.

I have had successes, making $100 over 2 days, $50 over 2 days (with selling products online), and more in donations, etc, so I just think, imagine if I could keep this up, or expand it into different niches, I could have a proper income (or if I had more traffic/subscribers)

& I'm always receiving a small trickle of money from stock photography/illustration downloads


"Do what makes you happy. If its hanging out at home, then so be it; just do not allow others to project their beliefs on you about it and make you feel bad!!"

Thank you ^ ^

I love hanging out at home. I also love going out. The difference is that going out costs money.

[votoshka]

Hey Roxy, I totally get you about not wanting to get a job. I feel the same way myself. Although, when you talk about your problems it DOES seem to me that getting a job would be the easiest way out, simply because when you get a job you earn money straight away, you don't have to wait for it to pay off!

At the moment I am trying to earn money online. I have websites, and I also do freelance writing. At the moment, it's easier to make money with my writing (not lots though), but eventually I believe that I can make more with my websites.

The thing is, it could take awhile before it pays off! And in the meantime, I need a way to make money NOW. Perhaps you could try something like freelance writing? You don't need a degree or any qualification, you just need a few writing samples! You've written article for your sites, so you could do it for other people's

Not sure if you would qualify for social security, (I haven't read the entire thread so I don't know if it's been brought up before) but that's another option open to you. Go in and talk to someone at Centrelink and find out. Let them know you're having a hard time living at home due to emotional abuse or whatever, and see what happens. You may qualify for enough assistance to move out of home and into a share house. It's not as nice as living with your bf in your own place, but it may be better than living at home!

[Kathe76]

[QUOTE=roxyruby;610783]Thank You Kathe. But why can't I have a full time income like for example, Steve Pavlina? I don't see why I have to settle for a little extra cash.QUOTE]

"a little extra cash" is a relative term. How I view and you view it are different. What matters is that you are making enough money for your personal goals, whatever they are. I just used it as an example. I am sort of on the same path with finding the right fit for rewarding work. It will come together for you and it will be enough for your goals and desires. I think you have a lot of things going for you and you are really at that moment of coiling back to strick hard. (My way of describing inertia. Think of a cobra snake and how they pull back slowly before they come out and strike really hard and fast.) You are starting to pull back and when you are ready to strike you will strike hard and fast and your life will take off for you!!

[ellie]

I suspect you can have a full-time job doing what you love even for yourself.

But it does take time and a lot of perseverance.

It also takes a little bit of responsibility. If you want to really do what your passionate about then you need to put in place things to help you get there and that may just mean an external job, until you find your own way.

Just don't see it as a long term thing. Find a casual/part-time job, sign -up to a market on weekends and sell your artwork. Read, learn as much as you can about business.

Currently I am reading gary vaynerchuk's crush it Crush It! a Gary Vaynerchuk book

That might be a good book to get you started, he's an entrepreneur and believes too that you need to do what you love and passionate about, but he did start somewhere, before he got to where he is now. He did some hard slog in his father's liquor store before he got anywhere, but the whole time he wsa observing, learning, listening and thinking of ways of how he could do things better.

I did the same thing.

I too don't like working for others, so my goal is eventually to phase out working for anyone, which I can see is slowly happening, and will happen, but it does just take time.

Oh and regards your websites, youtube channels. I think you are getting there, but you need to learn more about how it all works. Listen to the experts, read, watch, mimic etc I would just for the moment absorb yourself in as much learning material as you can, on how to make it on the "online world" and then when you feel as though you have learnt enough, start implementing some of the things taught. That's what I have done.

The thing is I have made heaps of mistakes online with business, but I don't regret any of it. I've learnt heaps from my mistakes, took on what happened, and then took on another approach...each time getting better at it. You need to massage your idea, and fine-tune them, see what works and doesn't and make changes.

Originally Posted by roxyruby

Thank You Kathe. But why can't I have a full time income like for example, Steve Pavlina? I don't see why I have to settle for a little extra cash. I believe it is possible, if I keep learning, to earn a full time income without having a "traditional job" like what Steve Pavlina is doing.

I already have some of my artwork for sale on redbubble http://www.redbubble.com/EmilyPatrickArt

and on my website I put a link to this.....although I am worried that maybe that's not a good idea if it's not related to what the website is about, social anxiety.

I have had successes, making $100 over 2 days, $50 over 2 days (with selling products online), and more in donations, etc, so I just think, imagine if I could keep this up, or expand it into different niches, I could have a proper income (or if I had more traffic/subscribers)

& I'm always receiving a small trickle of money from stock photography/illustration downloads


"Do what makes you happy. If its hanging out at home, then so be it; just do not allow others to project their beliefs on you about it and make you feel bad!!"

Thank you ^ ^

I love hanging out at home. I also love going out. The difference is that going out costs money.

[roxyruby]

What would Steve Pavlina recommend? Do you think he'd recommend I get a job?

[munish]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

What would Steve Pavlina recommend? Do you think he'd recommend I get a job?

Steve would recommend this.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/.../10-r...ver-get-a-job/

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by munish

Steve would recommend this.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/.../10-r...ver-get-a-job/

He'd recommend I'd never get a job? Ok, YES! Steve, I'll even go homeless if necessary ^ ^

[st33med]

Originally Posted by munish

Steve would recommend this.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/.../10-r...ver-get-a-job/

Actually, I believe he has switched sides on the issue. It's a choice!
If you agree to being a 'slave' (his word, not mine) to a corporation, then you can consciously get a job.

Personally, it's not a slave issue for me because they do not control your will. Rather, it's more like being an indentured servant. You agree to work for them and they pay you.

Again, its a choice! If you feel that you can create your own business, go right ahead!

[munish]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

But people expect me to and want me to be miserable by taking a job I am incompatible with and that is unappealing and boring to me?

get off your 'but': how to end self-sabotage and
stand up for yourself
"Time to Stand!" program and presentations by Sean Stephenson

I like this book .

[munish]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

He'd recommend I'd never get a job? Ok, YES! Steve, I'll even go homeless if necessary ^ ^

There is nothing wrong "being a homeless person" for a short time.

Never settle for Mediocrity .

[munish]

Originally Posted by st33med

Actually, I believe he has switched sides on the issue. It's a choice!
If you agree to being a 'slave' (his word, not mine) to a corporation, then you can consciously get a job.

Personally, it's not a slave issue for me because they do not control your will. Rather, it's more like being an indentured servant. You agree to work for them and they pay you.

Again, its a choice! If you feel that you can create your own business, go right ahead!

He would also recommend this.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/.../if-e...we-all-starve/

I do not think he has switched sides on the issue.

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by munish

There is nothing wrong "being a homeless person" for a short time.

Never settle for Mediocrity .

if computers in libraries are free, it'd be ok!

I could spend my homeless days reading in the library to learn and making money online

If I could end my fears about being homeless, I think a lot of stress and worry would be relieved

[munish]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

if computers in libraries are free, it'd be ok!

I could spend my homeless days reading in the library to learn and making money online

If I could end my fears about being homeless, I think a lot of stress and worry would be relieved

Computers are free in many libraries for 1 hour duration. But if you request they can extend it further.

Read the book i mentioned above by Sean Stephenson, to handle fear.

If you can afford, attend CGW 5.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

Maybe if this "option" was more accepted by others I would have had a lot less depression and anxiety and would have been able to get a lot more done and lived up to my potential sooner and been more productive.

I think this is exactly the reason why you are depressed and have anxiety and why it will never go away, even if you get rich and famous.

You are not depressed because of other peoples opinions.

You do not have anxiety because of what other people think.

You feel bad and depressed and anxious because of your own feelings and thoughts.

Until the moment you decide to be responsible and take responsibility for your own thoughts and consequent feelings you will always feel like a victim of other peoples thoughts and opinions.

The good news here is that you can turn it around. Right now, this very second if you want to.

It takes courage to accept that you are responsible for your own feelings, but in my opinion the alternative isn't really an alternative at all. Being controlled by everything and anyone outside of you is not a way I would want to live.
Maybe you feel different and that is fine. But don't expect to ever feel good, satisfied and happy with your life as long as you let others control your feelings.

[elucidate]

Just to add to this.

Most people do not want to work boring , mundane jobs. That's a fact.

I do not want to be deadening my brain, typing in strangers STD results in a smelly laboratory, but I do it, so I can get money to live the life I enjoy living. There's really no way around it unless you win the lottery, that's just Life.

We all do things we don't want to do, and if we don't , well nothing changes, and we're stuck living with abusive parents forever...or until we find the 'right' job...which may take years. I held out for 6 years trying to find the 'right' job for me...and guess what, I didn't find it. That's not to say, you cannot create the work you want, and it's right to aim for this...but in the meantime, your reality isn't gonna change until you have your own money to play with and can get your own space so you aren't exposed to these influences.

Originally Posted by votoshka

Hey Roxy, I totally get you about not wanting to get a job. I feel the same way myself. Although, when you talk about your problems it DOES seem to me that getting a job would be the easiest way out, simply because when you get a job you earn money straight away, you don't have to wait for it to pay off!

At the moment I am trying to earn money online. I have websites, and I also do freelance writing. At the moment, it's easier to make money with my writing (not lots though), but eventually I believe that I can make more with my websites.

The thing is, it could take awhile before it pays off! And in the meantime, I need a way to make money NOW. Perhaps you could try something like freelance writing? You don't need a degree or any qualification, you just need a few writing samples! You've written article for your sites, so you could do it for other people's

Not sure if you would qualify for social security, (I haven't read the entire thread so I don't know if it's been brought up before) but that's another option open to you. Go in and talk to someone at Centrelink and find out. Let them know you're having a hard time living at home due to emotional abuse or whatever, and see what happens. You may qualify for enough assistance to move out of home and into a share house. It's not as nice as living with your bf in your own place, but it may be better than living at home!