Online dating bringing up some issues...

[90802]

Hi gang,

Well, I've decided to attempt to jump back into the dating life without waiting until I'm perfect. I'm getting older and regret a lot of the fun times I've missed, so I reckon I should go ahead and get started and get perfect as I go

Two issues I'm having right now.

The first one is fairly easy. I sent my profile to a good friend to see if I'm representing myself as I really am. She liked most of it, but she had some issues with my description of "what I"m doing with my life". I want to post it and see if anyone else gets the same vibe. I don't think the rest of my profile is necessary, but if ya think so I can post some more stuff from it.

Anyhow, here's the part in question:

This is where things get messy. Ya see, I believe I was born to be a musician. That's what my heart tells me. But my mind disagrees. My mind says, and I quote, "dude, what are you thinking! Like, get a real job!!"

I've spent the last 15 years listening to my mind, so I think my mind deserves a break. Heart, step in and do your thing!

Now I realized why my mind got all the attention. Listening to your heart gets complicated. You have the urge to do things, but then you get scared, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I'm feeling a lot of all three at the moment.

But I'm also feeling excited about the possibilities. I'm in it for the long haul now. I'm working on a website dedicated to my music. The site is kind of directionless right now, because I"m not sure what's going to work. Does that make sense?

If you are one of those types that writes your outline before beginning an essay, you won't get it. It's like this...I think I'll have to DISCOVER what's going to work for me instead of deciding, in advance, what's going to work.

Is that any better? Probably not

End Section

I'm embarrassed to bring up the next issue, but hell, isn't part of growth facing uncomfortable situations?

I'm really unhappy with the way I look. Part of it is my weight (I've been at around 270 pounds for 3-4 years), but the other part is just my appearance in general. This has ALWAYS been an issue, and probably the biggest reason I've avoided trying to date. Also a bit issue of my confidence problems. I hate having my picture taken, and I hate posting my pics. The biggest problem is my teeth (crowding and some discoloration), and general skin complexion. Of course, that's in addition to the weight issue.

I've been trying to get away from this situation, and remind myself that I'm hardest on myself. But I haven't figured out a way to make it work yet

Oh oh! Ok, I lied. One more issue!!!

I created my profile last week, and since then I've become almost obsessed with checking out profiles. It's caused me to slack off in working on my website, which worries me. I mean, I guess I don't NEED sweet lovin, but man, it would be really nice Any advice on finding balance?

Phew, ok, I hope that wasn't too much. Thanks for letting me vent, and I can't wait to hear back from you all

[Angela]

Hi, 90802. Congratulations on moving out of your comfort zone!

First of all, I don't think your looks are a problem as much as your feelings about your looks. By which I mean, there are people out there who will find you attractive exactly as you are. Being self-assessing is one thing (like accepting that you are whatever weight you are and making a deliberate choice to change it, or accepting that you would prefer to have straighter, whiter teeth) but being really unhappy with the way you look (resisting it) is quite another, and likely to attract a different sort of woman -- like the kind who will resonate with your being unhappy and keep you that way.

If I were you, I'd focus on that aspect -- hypnosis and NLP can help!
Consulting a practitioner is probably the most powerful way to approach it, but here's a hypnosis download you might want to try, and give yourself a taste of unconscious support.

Secondly, your "what you're doing with your life" section sounded like a whole lot of ..... huh? to me. It's a lot of words but it doesn't say much. If I were you, I'd scrap it and write something that is very pithy, dynamic and packed with power. (Again, I think an NLP session could work wonders for having you actually FEEL power-packed, and just starting by declaring yourself powerfully on paper is an excellent way to do your own program.)

An elevator pitch!

[Angelique]

Was around two different guys over the weekend....found myself attracted to the one with not-so-pretty-teeth that sported a nice cologne and wasn't as conventionally attractive. The other guy looked like he could be a personal trainer and had very handsome face...eh, wasn't feeling him. (And I thought that's what I wanted.)
Sometimes, it's the things we can't see that gets us girls.

[90802]

Originally Posted by Angelique

Was around two different guys over the weekend....found myself attracted to the one with not-so-pretty-teeth that sported a nice cologne and wasn't as conventionally attractive. The other guy looked like he could be a personal trainer and had very handsome face...eh, wasn't feeling him. (And I thought that's what I wanted.)
Sometimes, it's the things we can't see that gets us girls.

You damn women make no sense

It's kinda funny, I get that in my head, but I don't believe it yet, if that makes sense. I also kind of see myself at a disadvantage because in Internet dating the first thing you notice is appearance (or maybe this is another wild assumption, but if you aren't in a room with someone, how can you feel chemistry?)

Angela

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I guess it's hard for me to believe that others could be happy with my looks because I'm not. Or maybe I've had black and white thinking about it. Because if I think I'm good enough as I am, I'd have no incentive to improve. But then again, I've been unhappy with my appearance for my entire life and it hasn't done much to make me improve.

So I need to find a way to accept who I am, right now, instead of waiting for the day when I'm everything I want to be (which I imagine could never come).

Oh boy!

Definitely going to revamp that section of the profile. I don't know which way to go about it. I mean, right now I'm unemployed and working on my blog in inconsistent intervals (but I am getting much better at it). I want my blog to be my source of income, but I know that could be years away, so there will probably be a day job or two in the meantime.

Any politicians in here that can tell me how to put a good spin on my situation?

Thanks again you two, and I'd love to hear from more of ya!

Edit Angela, I'm going to give the link you posted a listen, will let you know of the results. Would it take about a month or two to notice a difference?

[Angela]

I think if you intend it, if you be at cause in the matter, you will get results after the very first time you listen ... and more and more each time.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by 90802

You damn women make no sense

It's kinda funny, I get that in my head, but I don't believe it yet, if that makes sense. I also kind of see myself at a disadvantage because in Internet dating the first thing you notice is appearance (or maybe this is another wild assumption, but if you aren't in a room with someone, how can you feel chemistry?)

Lol. Yeah, I know. It's very confusing. I've been doing the internet thing...and so far I'm 3 for 3. The connection I felt online was there in the real world too, not necessarily some full blown romance each time because that's not what I'm looking for. It's the conversation that clues me in. If I can cut through the B.S. rather quickly and we can both laugh at the same things, I know we'll probably get along in person.

The appearance thing does feel like a disadvantage. I am in the 'little extra weight' category and list it as such in my profile. But it does help me weed out anyone who might have a problem with this in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to downplay my worries about my appearance..I still get the jitters about whether they'll run in the other direction if they see me. But at some point, I say screw it at least I'll know. And I always promise myself to go out anyway even if they do run in the other direction.

Good luck. Don't let your fears win.

[Brutha]

First, congratulation for asking a female friend for feedback.

I hate having my picture taken, and I hate posting my pics. The biggest problem is my teeth (crowding and some discoloration), and general skin complexion.

If you consider that to be a problem, go to a photo studio and get a professional photographer who knows what he's doing.
If you don't have the money for a professional, maybe you have a friend who's doing photography as a hobby and who knows what he's doing?
The way you look on photos has a lot to do with whether the photographer knows what he's doing and whether you shoot enough pictures to pick the best one.
It can also help to put up different pictures on hotornot till you get one that rates highly.

If you don't like how your teeth look, they don't have to show on your picture.

Any politicians in here that can tell me how to put a good spin on my situation?

Describe an experience of how you passionately wrote a new blog article in detail. Describe what it means to you.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by 90802

Definitely going to revamp that section of the profile. I don't know which way to go about it. I mean, right now I'm unemployed and working on my blog in inconsistent intervals (but I am getting much better at it). I want my blog to be my source of income, but I know that could be years away, so there will probably be a day job or two in the meantime.

Any politicians in here that can tell me how to put a good spin on my situation?

After having been in the rat race for 15 years, I've finally decided to make the big leap and jump into the self-employment pool. Scary, but so exciting!
It is making me feel more alive with every day.

My heart dances to music, both listing to it and making it. Besides working on my own, I am also enjoying the new found freedom to create and perform music with the attention that it deserves.

[Cool Chick]

Originally Posted by Angelique

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to downplay my worries about my appearance..I still get the jitters about whether they'll run in the other direction if they see me. But at some point, I say screw it at least I'll know. And I always promise myself to go out anyway even if they do run in the other direction.

Good luck. Don't let your fears win.

applauding this comment

self confidence is the epitome of sexy.

[joelr]

From my experience with online dating and from speaking with others I can tell you it's important to be honest. Put up a pic that actually looks like you.
A lot of people mis-represent their physical looks and age in hopes that when you meet them in person their personality will win you over. But if they don't feel any physical attractiveness when they meet you it's just a waste of time.

That works in situations where you might work with someone or see them on a regular basis, in a neutral setting. Over time someone who might not at first find you dateable could fall for your interesting personality but with 1st time meetings that are also first dates there has to be some physical connection.

Internet dating is wild. The last person I met when I was doing internet stuff, she seemed really cold and almost in a bad mood. But we did end up dating for a little while.

If you stick to it you will meet someone eventually. Always meet up first for coffee or a quick drink.
Don't sell yourself like a politician. If you dislike your appearance you can say that in your description. "I'm not happy right now with my appearance because I'm overweight, but I'm working on that".
There are a lot of women who can identify with that and may feel a little at ease because they have the same issue.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Cool Chick

applauding this comment

self confidence is the epitome of sexy.

Wow, thank you!

[Brutha]

A lot of people mis-represent their physical looks and age in hopes that when you meet them in person their personality will win you over.

I don't actually believe that a picture can accurately communicate the "real" physical look of a person that the other person experiences when they meet you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Brutha

I don't actually believe that a picture can accurately communicate the "real" physical look of a person that the other person experiences when they meet you.

Me, neither. Several years ago I met a guy online and we liked each other quite a bit, enough for him to buy a plane ticket to visit me, and when we exchanged photos, he demurred, saying he couldn't be attracted to me because I was too heavy. I was disappointed, but we agreed he'd just come out for a friendly visit, anyway. I totally stopped thinking of him as a romantic interest, but I liked him enough to entertain him as a friendly guest. As he stepped out of the cab when he arrived, he looked me up and down and said, "Oh god, I made a horrible mistake," -- meaning he was very attracted to me, after all. During the course of the visit, he asked me to marry him! Too late, too bad. My lust for him had left the building.

You never know, until you do!

[90802]

Thanks so much for the feedback folks.

@Angela-

Is the hypnotic audio supposed to make me really tired? The first two times I tried it and kept feeling like I was falling asleep, so I stopped it. The last time I made it through, got up when he said get up, but didn't remember anything I heard. Am I doing this right?

@Angelique-

Yes, the Internet thing is very weird. Sometimes I feel I'd be better off chasing women in person so I'd at least have a chance to wow em with my wit

@Brutha-

Trying to get a friend that likes taking pics to help me out. I'm on OK Cupid, and they now have something similar to hot or not. You can post all the pics you want, and you see which ones get clicks from the types you are most interested in.

I think my teeth thing may be a case of me paying so much attention to it that I expect everyone else will as well. But perhaps they won't.

@Sandra with two s's

I like the way you think The onliest thing I'm worried about is I'm not making any money from the online ventures right now. As a matter of fact, I may end up having to get a job soon. I dunno, I feel like I need to mention that it's not making money or I may have to get a job so I'm not being misleading. Does that make sense?

@Cool Chick

You made me think of something that really confuses me. My humor and toe curling abilities give me confidence, but my looks, whoo help me! Well, it'll have to happen I suppose. Thanks for the reminder

@joelr

I'm definitely not trying to be misleading in my pics. The first one is a close up face shot, so maybe that's not fair. But once they click my profile they can see another pic where i"m performing.

As said earlier I am trying to get a friend to take some pics for me, so hopefully that will happen. I also tell em where my website is so they can click and see a vid of me performing. Maybe that's not enough though, I don't know.

I tend to agree with Brutha and Angela about pictures representing people. It can be a close approximation but never completely accurate. But I guess that's the cost of internet dating

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 90802

@Angela-

Is the hypnotic audio supposed to make me really tired? The first two times I tried it and kept feeling like I was falling asleep, so I stopped it. The last time I made it through, got up when he said get up, but didn't remember anything I heard. Am I doing this right?

It's perfectly fine to go really deep, even to the point of falling asleep. My experience is that I get the learnings even when I fall asleep. If you don't remember anything consciously that you heard, that's great! It means you got it at a deeply unconscious level. You did it right, alright.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by 90802

@Sandra with two s's

I like the way you think The onliest thing I'm worried about is I'm not making any money from the online ventures right now. As a matter of fact, I may end up having to get a job soon. I dunno, I feel like I need to mention that it's not making money or I may have to get a job so I'm not being misleading. Does that make sense?

I think that you should leave that for when you are making closer acquaintance with someone. There is no need to try an explain something like this right now. You have to leave something to talk about during your first date

Right now, what is important is that she sees who you are, at this moment.

And that is somebody who knows what work is (done it for 15 years, you're not unemployed because of lay offs), who is not afraid to try new things, who finds it scary, but is looking forward to the future.

You could add in a line or two, to the extend off:

I don't know what the future will bring. Maybe I'll end up working in my dream job, or I might become a successful entrepreneur. But no matter what, I know that I have tried everything!

[90802]

But it was a layoff That's what triggered my relocation to Ga. I'll keep bouncing ideas around till I get something going.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by 90802

But it was a layoff That's what triggered my relocation to Ga. I'll keep bouncing ideas around till I get something going.

After having been in the rat race for 15 years, I've decided to take advantage of a recent layoff to make the big leap and jump into the self-employment pool. Scary, but so exciting!
It is making me feel more alive with every day.

I'm not sure what the future will bring. I might become a successful entrepreneur or I might try my hand at a corporate job again. Either way, I'm sure that whatever it is, it will be something I enjoy doing and will be doing with passion!

My heart dances to music, both listing to it and making it. Besides working on my own, I am also enjoying the new found freedom to create and perform music with the attention that it deserves.

[90802]

Well done Sandra, well done

[TiffyLove]

Some women may disagree with me but although looks do matter somewhat, from my experience a guy that makes me feel comfortable and like a woman, always grows on me.

My last relationship which I would love to have back by the way, when I met him I had 0% attraction him. Now I feel like I will never find someone that I could be that attracted to and have such a deep connection with as well. Even after four and half years I was more attracted to him then anyone I have ever been with.

Sometimes an immediate attraction fades, when an attraction is because you become attracted to them because of who they are, the attraction is not so "superficial" and lasts a lot longer if not a life time.

In reading what one of the girls said about being attracted to the "less attractive" of two guys, I can relate. Here is why at least for me. I find a cocky guy unattractive, I find shallowness unattractive. Although some girls may like the jock attitude and cockiness, I find it a major turn off. When a guy is down to earth, comfortable, and easy to get along with, that is WAY more attractive than the pretty boy jock.

So I agree that you feeling negative about your looks is the only thing that is stopping you. Be confident about who are you, then conversation flows easier, you make the women more comfortable, etc.. Just be honest, authentic and yourself and I guarantee you will have no problem with the ladies.

Now I usually feel men are 100% about looks. This could be my bias or my own insecurity but even though I know I have a nice figure and I am not "ugly" in the face, I feel very insecure around men I have interest in because I always feel they are looking for the model. I should probably take my own advice and just be me and be confident about it. Thats the kind of man I want anyway, a man who see's me for me, adores me the way I am and doesn't want arm candy. I require a very deep authentic man anyway.

[The Truth UK]

If people were actually true to themselves when looking for a partner hardly anyone would be together.

Dating is no different, if you want more dates, then you can write a dynamic, catchy profile. This is what I did about 8 years ago; I met over 50 women in 6months and got absolutely nowhere. The reason is you are not being YOU.

We are continuosly told by the media that marriage, house and kids are what we live for, and most people arent even aware that it probably wont happen "genuinely".

I think you have to be yourself, I have had so many shocking people turn up in front of me for dates, I have been like " who are you??"

TT

[90802]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

Some women may disagree with me but although looks do matter somewhat, from my experience a guy that makes me feel comfortable and like a woman, always grows on me.

But that's the problem with Internet dating. You don't really have time to grow on anyone. You exchange a few emails, meet, and that's it.

So I think I may entirely change my approach. Maybe something like so...

I'm not looking for certain labels for relationships. If I send you an email it's because I find you interesting and would like to know more about it. It doesn't mean I know if I want to be your friend, date you, or anything else. I'd like to know more about you.

Profiles are a great way of scratching the surface, but I feel there's much more to attraction than a few pictures and some nice words.
_________________________

Eh, I don't know if it works, but I'll keep working at it and post something similar.

Now I usually feel men are 100% about looks. This could be my bias or my own insecurity but even though I know I have a nice figure and I am not "ugly" in the face, I feel very insecure around men I have interest in because I always feel they are looking for the model. I should probably take my own advice and just be me and be confident about it. Thats the kind of man I want anyway, a man who see's me for me, adores me the way I am and doesn't want arm candy. I require a very deep authentic man anyway.

Seems like we are in the same boat I don't feel that women are 100% about looks, but online dating is focused on appearance. If I didn't have my other inhibitions I could, you know, meet them in person and charm em with my personality and not have to depend on my unconventional good looks

Originally Posted by The Truth UK

I think you have to be yourself, I have had so many shocking people turn up in front of me for dates, I have been like " who are you??"

Not sure what you mean by this. Just referring to what type of relationship you are looking for, or do ya mean spilling everything about yourself in your profile?

I mean, I think I'm honest in my profile, but hell, maybe not. I tried to sum up my personality. Did you just spill out all the good and bad with your profile?

[The Truth UK]

Originally Posted by 90802

Not sure what you mean by this. Just referring to what type of relationship you are looking for, or do ya mean spilling everything about yourself in your profile?

I mean, I think I'm honest in my profile, but hell, maybe not. I tried to sum up my personality. Did you just spill out all the good and bad with your profile?

No I didnt spill out all the good and bad. This is what I am saying I dont think you quite got what I meant.

If you were HONEST on your profile, then you will hardly get any replies, its like window shopping mate, who is going to want to pick up a product that says it might work but it comes with loads of faults and you might not get your money back?

So, I was saying that my profile was a hyped up, spruced up "similar" but not "accurate" version of me. This then enabled me to have countless dates, but it doesnt get you anywhere because neither you, or mostly apart from maybe three or four of the women I met were genuine.

If you are honest, you will get hardly any dates.

If you bend the truth and spice it up you will get more.

What does that say about the person you are attracting?

Not so simple is it!!

Brings me to my point:

Are we really capable of having a relationship that works.

I say, VERY rarely.

Cheers

TT

[James81]

Originally Posted by The Truth UK

If you were HONEST on your profile, then you will hardly get any replies,

My question is, what does it mean about you that honesty about who you are will not bring you any replies?

Is it because there are things about you that are not attractive to the opposite sex?

Or is it because you aren't conveying who you are in a way that is interesting and attractive?

Being honest isn't the reason you aren't getting attention. It's what that honesty means that is the reason you aren't getting attention.

[The Truth UK]

Originally Posted by James81

My question is, what does it mean about you that honesty about who you are will not bring you any replies?

Is it because there are things about you that are not attractive to the opposite sex?

Or is it because you aren't conveying who you are in a way that is interesting and attractive?

Being honest isn't the reason you aren't getting attention. It's what that honesty means that is the reason you aren't getting attention.

I dont think you are understanding what it is im saying. I am not referring to me, I am referring to pretty much everyone.

TT

[James81]

Originally Posted by The Truth UK

I dont think you are understanding what it is im saying. I am not referring to me, I am referring to pretty much everyone.

TT

So am I.

[The Truth UK]

Well, then there is no answer needed!

lol.

TT