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06-13-2010, 06:04 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
  |  Bullies?
Does anyone have good strategies of communicating effectively and assertively with a bully, as an adult? I know this guy, and he is there for me when I have needed a friend, and can be nice at times. He can also be a real bully and is quite rude to me at other times, and even another mate of mine said that he whispers rude things about me under his breath while I'm there, but I can't hear him?? I have stood up to him plenty of times, and I thought I was being effective with the language I used and the boundaries I set, but he doesn't seem to ever get the message. I know that it has nothing at all to do with me...that it is ALL his own stuff, so I don't take it on. I know that bullies are usually insecure, yadda yadda. I'm not looking for analysis of why this person is like this, 'cos I'm fairly sure I know why, and he has alot of personal issues and challenges in his life, and his self-esteem ain't that great...but I have come to the end of my tether with him and his behaviour...and have decided to distance myself from him, as of now. I blocked him on facebook, and still see him out and about though, in public. Trouble is, he lives very close to me, and all the new people I have met and enjoy hanging out with , he has introduced me to, and is always with them when I do go out. I guess my question is how can I effectively deal with him when I do see him out? My new friend said he will try having a word to him, as he thinks he might listen more to him than he would to me, so I'm going along with that offer...but I also want to know what I can do or say to really get it through to him that his behaviour is ♥♥♥.ked? Can anyone share some wisdom with me here? Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 11:14 AM. |
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06-13-2010, 11:18 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 459
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I'm always really unsure of my advice, but I've been there so I'll give it a shot. The bullies I'm around are kind of attached to my family (as in brothers girlfriends, family friends etc) so there's almost no way to get away. The "strategy" I've tried to keep is that I act normal around them and ignore their bastard behaviour because nothing I say or do is going to change them or change other people's opinions of them. I like to think of it like children... when a kid is doing socially unacceptable things you just ignore them. Ignore the bad behaviour... reward the good? It seems so straightforward, but not sure it always works..... I have friends who sometimes don't even acknowledge people like that. No "hello" no nothing and they get the picture pretty quickly. But I can't even do that myself so I'm not sure everyone has it in them?? |
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06-13-2010, 12:10 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Yeah, I haven't really encountered one since my brothers  I do ignore him to the best of my ability, but he's 37 going on 12...it's kinda sad really. I want to completely banish him from my life,even though there are somethings about him that I like, he's just a really full on guy and I don't think he's gonna change, I've given him plenty of time, but his situation has gone from bad to worse to really bad in the time that I've known him... and he's too much for me. The thing is I've just met these cool people through him, and I wouldn't mind continuing to hang out with them, except he is usually there. Also, I feel like he has shown friendship to me when I needed that, and I have stuck around to support him as best I can, but he's just not getting any better, and he's taking it out on me I suppose I can just limit the amount of time I spend with them, and therefore him. Quote:
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06-13-2010, 12:17 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Yeah, I've done this. He apologises, and for a while he's nice to me, then he'll just turn into a jerk again and be really horrid in the way he speaks to me. I have walked away without saying anything, blocked him on facebook, taken 3 months off from him and told him I need to find people who are sensitive like me. which he just laughed at. He mentioned that he might be going back to his hometown, which secretly made me burst with joy inside. He lives just up the road and though, it's not like I will see him all the time in the street, the chances of seeing him out and about are high, which makes me feel uncomfortable and like I would have to be on alert all the time incase I run into him if I do end the friendship. I'm just finding it really hard to de-friend him, though it's basically what I want to do. Quote:
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06-13-2010, 01:44 PM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,612
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That sounds really ****ed up.. But it also sounds like he's fishing for a reaction in some ways when he laughs things off and doesn't listen.. So the best thing may be to try not to react in any way. Easier said than done, I know.. Hopefully someone else will have better wisdom than me.. | |
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06-13-2010, 01:53 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: New Jersey
Posts: 77
| Lose Him
Hi Elucidate, Ask yourself this question: Is someone who acts like a child for stretches good for your personal development? If this rarely ever happened you wouldn't have put it out on the forum. It's obviously a problem. It's bothering you. Forgive him and move on. You don't need people like that in your life. Even if he has been there for you he continues to cancel it out with child-like behavior. It doesn't have to be an official un-friending; just spend less time with him and naturally you find people who are the perfect friends for you. Release, move on. Ryan |
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06-13-2010, 02:04 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Thanks, this is what I figured as well. He definately is not good for my personal development. I've been hoping my positivity would rub off on him, but he's just not budging. It's not my problem that he's got hundreds of problems. He has dug his own hole to a degree. **** happens as well I know, but he really doesn't make it any better for himself. His good deeds do get cancelled out by his ♥♥♥.kwittery...so it makes it easier to not feel like I am being disloyal. I am a pretty loyal person. But yeah, if it means not hanging out with these other people (who may not be that great if they are friends with him anyway?) then I can deal with that. It's just taken me a long time to find friends. The female friends I have are pretty caught up with being mums so I don't see them so much, and I have been making new friends that are definately better for me than he is, so I can just hang out with them more, it's just felt tricky with him being in such close proximity to me. It makes my decision to move to a new location even more clear though. Thanks for reinforcing to me what I know I need to do. Quote:
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06-13-2010, 02:07 PM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Off this forum from 10/27/10 to 10/27/11. Yay me!
Posts: 2,944
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06-13-2010, 02:14 PM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Off this forum from 10/27/10 to 10/27/11. Yay me!
Posts: 2,944
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06-13-2010, 02:16 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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No I didn't. I didn't think it was relevant to what I was asking to share that info until I read your post. It's a 'friend with benefits' situation. So now you know. Quote:
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06-13-2010, 02:19 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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How is it relevant IYHO? I asked for strategies to cope with this person. Some people gave some helpful advice, which reinforced what I am already doing. As far as I'm concerned, I have recieved what I asked for here so there is no need to take it any further...and to be honest, I'm feeling a little invaded by your question. I don't wish to continue this. The nature of our relationship isn't what is relevant to the question IMHO. Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 02:32 PM. |
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06-13-2010, 02:43 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Off this forum from 10/27/10 to 10/27/11. Yay me!
Posts: 2,944
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I got locked out while I was posting you a response, and had to beg my accountability buddy (that makes sure I don't spend loads of time here, to let me post a response to you --so this is it though, I'm done posting for this week). Anyway, It's relevant because you're sleeping with with a ♥♥♥*king bully! I'm glad you did get good strategies to handle it, but if it were me I would first stop sleeping with him. I don't fu8ck people that bully me. But that's just me. |
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06-13-2010, 02:48 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Like I said...he isn't always like that. and I have taken steps to avoid him in the past when he does behave this way. A person is never just one thing...they're a whole bunch of things. He's a good guy sometimes, and an as*hole at other times. I feel kinda judged by you, which is why I don't really want to continue this conversation with you. I'm flattered that you went to all that trouble to respond to me. It's nice that you wouldn't **** a bully...do you really think it was necessary to compare yourself to me in this way? Do you think that's helpful to me?It wasn't...it just made me feel bad. Quote:
Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 02:53 PM. | |
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06-13-2010, 02:53 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,612
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& maybe if you look at it from that perspective, you'll be able to figure out whats best for you from there, yeah? | |
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06-13-2010, 02:59 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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But I never said I wasn't responsable for having him in my life. You're making it sound like I'm trying to play the victim here. I'm not asking for sympathy, I asked for solutions and strategies. I have taken steps in the past to avoid him and then after a period of time would give him a chance and see if he was improving in his own life so he wouldn't act like an ass to everyone around him, which is what I knew was happening....he has been a friend to me, when no one else was. I know it wasn't the healthiest of situations. I was going through alot, and he was there for me and had been through very similar experiences to me. I have figured out what is best for me...and the responses here have helped to reinforce what I already know...as I also said. I am not sleeping with him anymore, and don't intend to again. Quote:
Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 03:07 PM. | |
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06-13-2010, 03:06 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,612
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If you've made it clear that you won't have him be a part of your life and he persist then you could contact the police if you need to? (hard to say, depends on the nature of the bullying) | |
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06-13-2010, 03:12 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: test
Posts: 424
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Consider, you could probably eventually progress to the point where you can make yourself believe you don't know him. Don't keep acting the same way towards him, keep adjusting the script until you get close enough to desired results. | |
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06-13-2010, 03:12 PM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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It's more just verbal. But yeah, it does sound like that's what he's been doing. I think I will be taking the other guys advice and just distance myself from him over time, change my sim card and as I want to move to another area, it will be easier to not think about running into him or not. Quote:
Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 03:34 PM. | |
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06-13-2010, 03:16 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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This sounds interesting. I'd like to try it actually, and I think I could maybe get to that point eventually. Quote:
Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 03:22 PM. | |
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06-13-2010, 03:43 PM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
| Quote:
I certainly don't need anyone else coming down on me for it(not speaking of you here Brendannz)...I'm fairly capable of doing that for myself sufficiently! | |
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06-13-2010, 05:58 PM
| #26 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: earth, everywhere and nowhere
Posts: 9,713
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elucidate, I think in light of your recent efforts to embrace a path of health and wholeness, it might be good to consider ending the sexual relationship with this person. Even if he has different sides, continuing to engage him in the FWB way but ignoring him when he's being a dick is probably just going to get confusing. You could still hang out with the cool people you met through him without continuing the FWB thing. I am not saying this to judge you, not at all. I don't think there is anything wrong with an FWB setup. But I am not sure it makes sense to try and pick out the parts of him that aren't disrespectful. I think it could be harder to move into healthy boundaries for yourself when you're having regular encounters with someone like this. You could even stop the interactions with a conversation, explain you are tired of putting up with that side of him. You like hanging out with these new people, though, and are willing to tolerate him in those settings but have decided you don't want to share a bed with someone who sees value in treating you disrespectfully. I think the key in this would be to stick to your word, if you go here. Or you could just tell him no next time he wants to hang out in a sexual way. EDIT: I missed the part where you said you weren't sleeping with him anymore. Did not notice you'd already said that. So my post is probably pointless. But if you're really wanting to clear this pattern from your life completely, you might want to get out a notebook and write some stream-of-consciousness on what this could be about from the LOA responsibility framework. If it is such a pattern as you said it might help you release it for good to get clear on where it's coming from and what beliefs or thoughts or feelings are turning up in situations like this... (blah, I know, it is sometimes difficult to explore this perspective. I often lash out at folks who encourage me to figure out why I'm creating something I don't like. But then when I actually do it I find it enlightening and empowering.) Last edited by rei; 06-13-2010 at 06:12 PM. |
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06-13-2010, 06:10 PM
| #27 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Yes, I think that's pretty much what I have concluded as well. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I do say this to him ( I have said it before, that I'm not willing to put up with it) then he acts all respectful for a while and it seems like he has listened. Then it all goes back to the way he was before. I leave without speaking to him when he does behave this way, he'll apologise for being an ass, and the next time I see him out, he'll be nicer. But you're right...I think I've been rationalizing it. I know it sounds like an abusive pattern, and it probably is. I've been doing what I can to release this pattern, but it just keeps cropping up in my life, and I don't really notice it until it's happened enough times, or I write it out like I am now. I have been feeling pretty disgusted with myself. I know I've been through alot though, and he was there for me when I did, so I guess it's just confusing for me? Quote:
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06-13-2010, 06:18 PM
| #29 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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btw, Health and Wholeness is a path I embraced over 15 years ago. This is somewhat of a backslide I admit. Thanks for the suggestion with stream-consciousness. I did start something like that a few years ago when I started to become aware of everyone in my family treating me this way...being nice and supportive one minute, and then total bullies, hyper critical and cruel and mean the next, manipulating and lying to me, and thinking I didn't know what was going on, when I did. You shouldn't have to put up with this from your own family. I know it is about not allowing myself to be manipulated, and I've been learning to stand up to them over the last 10 years, and I take people like this guy as opportunities to learn how to be more assertive and stand up to them, which I am getting much better at. I have some idea of where this all stems from, it obviously isn't enough to let this pattern go though? I'll give it a go though...thanks rei. Last edited by elucidate; 06-13-2010 at 06:25 PM. |
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06-13-2010, 06:19 PM
| #30 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: earth, everywhere and nowhere
Posts: 9,713
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Actually, I called up an ex to fool around not long ago. But it turns out he likes to get disrespectful in bed and I don't have matching experience that makes a person enjoy something like that. I stopped talking to him after this, he wasn't always like that. I thought about actually explaining why I am not answering him anymore but decided it's not worth the effort. (Oh and he was being a little bit mean to my dog too, his former dog-son. He was being loving to the dog one moment and a bit terrorizing the next. I called him on it, too, said that is an emotionally abusive pattern. Yeah it pissed me off. He had this creepy half-smile in response to having his behavior called out. This whole scenario made me realize how much I've changed in the years since I dated him, and I realized he changed too, in how he treats women. No thank you. Done with it and done with him. My dog and myself both deserve better! A good lay isn't worth that nonsense, to me.) Last edited by rei; 06-13-2010 at 06:31 PM. | |
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