Why are girls so confusing???

[pinky3]

How do you treat a friend who insists on always being the "boss" or the "mom" to everyone and she's also the one to poison other people's minds about you and everyone else??

I hate feeling as though I have no power in situations. Why can't I be more confident about things?? It all makes sense in my head and I can tell myself not to worry or care... but it's literally impossible!

[pinky3]

Something to add on....
Does anyone think it's possible to change your personal habits? Like the way you interact with people and how it constantly has the same outcome? There must be another way!

[James81]

I was just wondering where you've been and bam here you are.

Last we talked you figured out what was running you. Can you see how it might be surfacing here?

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by pinky3

Something to add on....
Does anyone think it's possible to change your personal habits? Like the way you interact with people and how it constantly has the same outcome? There must be another way!

Yes! And yes, and yes!

I know from experience that it's possible to change all those things. Personal habits, the way I interact with people, and the outcomes I get. So the answer is yes, yes, yes!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by pinky3

I hate feeling as though I have no power in situations. Why can't I be more confident about things??

About this - it may be more useful to ask yourself: "How CAN I be more confident about things?"

If you're asking "Why can't I be more confident about things?" - well, even if you get an answer to that question, all you have now is an explanation of why you're not confident about things. I guess if you just want to understand what you have, that will get you what you want. If you want to have something new, then focus on what you want instead.

Originally Posted by pinky3

It all makes sense in my head and I can tell myself not to worry or care... but it's literally impossible!

Yeah, telling yourself NOT to do something can have that effect. Instead, try telling yourself what you DO want to do. There are parts of your mind that will wrap around "do this" easily, when they couldn't wrap around "don't do this".

When I was taking motorcycle lessons, they told us where to look when riding. "Look where you want to go. If there's a pole you don't want to hit, and you're staring at it because you don't want to hit it .. where do you think you're going to go? Right into the pole." Have you ever been driving, and stared at something off on the side of the road? Then before you know it, your car is halfway off the road, drifting towards the thing you were looking at? This is the same principle. The more you look AT something (and thinking how much you DON'T want something is looking at it with intensity), the more you're going to drift towards it. If you want something different, then look at what you want, and you'll drift towards what you want.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

"Look where you want to go."

I love this. What a great motto. I'm stealing it.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Angela

I love this. What a great motto. I'm stealing it.

Sounds good.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by pinky3

How do you treat a friend who insists on always being the "boss" or the "mom" to everyone and she's also the one to poison other people's minds about you and everyone else??

How do you treat her? You don't.

If someone I call a friend poisons other peoples minds about me, then I simply excuse myself from the friendship. How is somebody your friend if you don't trust her?

[Curtis2011]

I think women are as confused by men, as men are by women.

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

I think women are as confused by men, as men are by women.

True! And I'm a woman confused by woman!

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by James81

I was just wondering where you've been and bam here you are.

Last we talked you figured out what was running you. Can you see how it might be surfacing here?

I've been reading other people's threads for a change
Yes I guess I do. But again it feels like too much work I know that I started convincing myself that, in this particular situation I was in, that I was somehow in the wrong. (wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong) But I'm not! I've sorted it out by (and I'm not sure if this is a good thing either) but for a change I've put ALL the blame on her (not to her face, just in my head)! And it feels great! Even if she's not wrong... in my head she's 100% wrong!

Not sure what else...

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

About this - it may be more useful to ask yourself: "How CAN I be more confident about things?"

If you're asking "Why can't I be more confident about things?" - well, even if you get an answer to that question, all you have now is an explanation of why you're not confident about things. I guess if you just want to understand what you have, that will get you what you want. If you want to have something new, then focus on what you want instead.



Yeah, telling yourself NOT to do something can have that effect. Instead, try telling yourself what you DO want to do. There are parts of your mind that will wrap around "do this" easily, when they couldn't wrap around "don't do this".

When I was taking motorcycle lessons, they told us where to look when riding. "Look where you want to go. If there's a pole you don't want to hit, and you're staring at it because you don't want to hit it .. where do you think you're going to go? Right into the pole." Have you ever been driving, and stared at something off on the side of the road? Then before you know it, your car is halfway off the road, drifting towards the thing you were looking at? This is the same principle. The more you look AT something (and thinking how much you DON'T want something is looking at it with intensity), the more you're going to drift towards it. If you want something different, then look at what you want, and you'll drift towards what you want.

Awesome explanation! I'm always looking out the window and veering off on my own mission (not a good thing to admit! ha ha) This is exactly the kind of advice my stubborn brain needs. Just a plan of action and then I can go on from there. Now to find out where I'm going??

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

How do you treat her? You don't.

If someone I call a friend poisons other peoples minds about me, then I simply excuse myself from the friendship. How is somebody your friend if you don't trust her?

Exactly! I'm not going to give her the time of day! The saying that kept on coming into my head was... "Say what you mean and mean what you say!" she talks about everyone behind their back and everyone thinks they're her best friend cos she's so sugary sweet. But I think I just need to stay away! Girl's can be bad news! And I always seem to get wrapped up into situations with the same types of people!

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

When I was taking motorcycle lessons, they told us where to look when riding. "Look where you want to go. If there's a pole you don't want to hit, and you're staring at it because you don't want to hit it .. where do you think you're going to go? Right into the pole." Have you ever been driving, and stared at something off on the side of the road? Then before you know it, your car is halfway off the road, drifting towards the thing you were looking at? This is the same principle. The more you look AT something (and thinking how much you DON'T want something is looking at it with intensity), the more you're going to drift towards it. If you want something different, then look at what you want, and you'll drift towards what you want.

They told us the same thing in ballet -- when doing turns, you have to "spot" your head, so that you don't get dizzy and confused. Basically, you watch one spot as long as you can while your body is turning, then whip your head around and re-focus on that spot for the next one. Your spot should always be wherever you want to go. If you want to change direction, change your spot.

Another thing the director drilled into us over and over: what you practice is what you're going to perform. During rehearsal, a lot of people will "mark" the steps, which means that they will only do it halfway. This can be somewhat useful if you're running through steps quickly to get the order down, but he hated for us to do it when we were actually rehearsing with music. To me, telling yourself to be confident is like marking a dance. If you practice marking, when you end up in a high pressure situation (like being on stage), you're going to fall back on marking. In the low-pressure situation (rehearsal), you need to practice what you're going to do in the high-pressure situation (performance).

So how does this apply to pinky's situation! Practice confidence in your daily life, don't just tell yourself to do it during a confrontation. When you go out in public, walk with your head up and smile at people. Get comfortable with honesty in normal, low-pressure conversations. If you build up confidence in small things, you'll have that practice to fall back on when it comes time for confrontations.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pinky3

But I think I just need to stay away! Girl's can be bad news! And I always seem to get wrapped up into situations with the same types of people!

Pinky3, the most effective learnings you can get from a challenging situation, in my experience, are learnings that are:

1) about you (rather than about others, like "girls" or "types of people")
2) positively stated ("I need to stay away" may sound like a positive statement, but it's actually a negative one, an away-from motivation that has you living at the effect of where those "types of people" are -- you have to get out of their way, rather than moving freely in the world)
3) future-oriented (about getting the results you want going forward, rather than "always or "never" statements, which are about the past)

I think it might be useful for you, if you want to feel free, confident, powerful, and clear-thinking, to keep looking for learnings here, rather than considering yourself *done.* I think that because by relying on avoidance and resistance ("staying away") to protect you, you're setting yourself up for more of the same going forward -- there will always be someone out there that you'll be avoiding and resisting, and your world will get smaller and smaller as you avoid and resist them.

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by Angela

Pinky3, the most effective learnings you can get from a challenging situation, in my experience, are learnings that are:

1) about you (rather than about others, like "girls" or "types of people")
2) positively stated ("I need to stay away" may sound like a positive statement, but it's actually a negative one, an away-from motivation that has you living at the effect of where those "types of people" are -- you have to get out of their way, rather than moving freely in the world)
3) future-oriented (about getting the results you want going forward, rather than "always or "never" statements, which are about the past)

I think it might be useful for you, if you want to feel free, confident, powerful, and clear-thinking, to keep looking for learnings here, rather than considering yourself *done.* I think that because by relying on avoidance and resistance ("staying away") to protect you, you're setting yourself up for more of the same going forward -- there will always be someone out there that you'll be avoiding and resisting, and your world will get smaller and smaller as you avoid and resist them.

That's so true. And my pattern has always been avoidance. It's hard to come up with a different pattern... but I'm trying I guess. Yes... that makes sense! I need to learn from these experiences in order to go forward rather than just avoiding and dismissing.

I just want to give small background. The whole stupid argument was over me leaving my existing soccer team to start a new one. Asking all the people that wanted to come along and then letting the captain know. This particular girl didn't told everyone that I was being sneaky trying to take over the team and steal their players and as a result the other girls didn't come with. But I went on and made my team anyway. Tonight she was there and I saw her talking to all the girls as well as girls in other teams and they were all giving me the evil eye... this story is even making me laugh!! It's pathetic!

My point is... I learned something! I think. Whether she was talking about me or not I want to break the pattern. What I usually do is think about it and make up stories in my head and then talk about it to my family til they're angry with me for going on and on and then I worry about it and don't want to see her again and think of all these things I could say to her that I never will. I decided this time... I'm not going to give this story any power in my head. This girl will continue to do what she always does, to me and others and it's not going to change anything. So why should I even think about it. I'm going to just treat everything as normal and not tell other people or let it blow up bigger than it needs to.

Don't know if I'm making progress.. but it feels like it

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by pinky3

Something to add on....
Does anyone think it's possible to change your personal habits? Like the way you interact with people and how it constantly has the same outcome? There must be another way!

Think of how you'd like things to be and then take a different action.

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by pinky3

I'm not going to give this story any power in my head.

That is also a negative statement, but it is a fine place to begin. Next step, now that you have decided what to not think about, is to decide what you will think about.

I am going to think about kittens and bunnies.