Can't get close with someone..

[yassine]

Hi everyone I am a 21 years student who has never been close to a girl. I have never even kissed a girl. I am not shy when I am with a girl, I can give great first impressions and have girls want me for my charms. But when every moment gets serious into a physical stage I just freeze and keep my distance. I really can't get close to a girls, an invisible wall is blocking me from other people to want me.
I know some of you might say that the cause is from a childhood situation/ trauma that made me like this. Who knows? My personal explanation about my weird behavior keep changing to why I can't get intimate with girls. Maybe I haven't found the right one, Maybe something is wrong with me, Maybe I am not the problem, Maybe I just need to man up. Thoughts like these ran through my head, but there seems to be a barrier which could be me.
Any advice guys? any similar...

[Brutha]

There a very clear solution for the freeze problem and from preventing yourself from keeping distance.
Take Salsa or Tango lessons.

It provides physical contact with woman in a safe environment where the contact doesn't have to mean anything and is therefore nonthreatening. It takes a few month but afterwards your brain doesn't see the need to freeze anymore.

A woman who was interested in me invited herself over to me house to explain her some university stuff. I wasn't mentally able to establish any physical contact. Afterwards I took that experience as the need to change something about myself and joined a salsa class. Poof. Now I don't have a problem on my end with establishing physical contact anymore.

[Kishka]

Brutha makes an excellent point. I took a few salsa lessons last year and one guy was REEEEAAAALLL comfortable with me LOL. I had to tell him we wouldn't be able to dance together if he didn't calm down...

Originally Posted by Brutha

There a very clear solution for the freeze problem and from preventing yourself from keeping distance.
Take Salsa or Tango lessons.

It provides physical contact with woman in a safe environment where the contact doesn't have to mean anything and is therefore nonthreatening. It takes a few month but afterwards your brain doesn't see the need to freeze anymore.

A woman who was interested in me invited herself over to me house to explain her some university stuff. I wasn't mentally able to establish any physical contact. Afterwards I took that experience as the need to change something about myself and joined a salsa class. Poof. Now I don't have a problem on my end with establishing physical contact anymore.

[TonyToneTone]

Go have a drink or two and then you'll want to get closer to everyone. It just sounds like anxiety. Have a drink or two to settle the nerves and then go!

[Brutha]

Brutha makes an excellent point. I took a few salsa lessons last year and one guy was REEEEAAAALLL comfortable with me LOL. I had to tell him we wouldn't be able to dance together if he didn't calm down...

Of course it's good to keep the feelings of the girl in mind as well but after a while you can mostly feel what closeness is okay for the girl because the girl normally tenses up when it's to close for her.

As long as you have problems with closeness yourself you however don't have to worry about that problem.

[yassine]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Of course it's good to keep the feelings of the girl in mind as well but after a while you can mostly feel what closeness is okay for the girl because the girl normally tenses up when it's to close for her.

As long as you have problems with closeness yourself you however don't have to worry about that problem.

Wow I never thought about that way, that is great advice. don't you need a dancing partner to start salsa classes? Or I can show up and they assign a dancing partner.

[Brutha]

Wow I never thought about that way, that is great advice. don't you need a dancing partner to start salsa classes? Or I can show up and they assign a dancing partner.

In a lot of salsa classes it's perfectly fine to show up and they will assign you a partner.
Often they also rotate the partners so that everyone guy dances some time with every girl in the class.

At best you Google for local Salsa classes. It's probably specifically written on their homepage whether you need a partner. If it isn't, sent them a mail and they will tell you.

[Angelique]

I agree with the salsa idea. This worked for me too. Before I started a couple of months ago, I thought dancing with a partner was just too intimate for me and made me very nervous. I was affectionate, but being so close to someone for more than a couple of seconds (for a hug) didn't sit well.

The other dances related to salsa will help with this too (Bachata, Merengue,etc most likely you'll dance them too) because sometimes you dance them even closer. You can even have a very sexy dance with someone's spouse and it doesn't mean anything. After the song's over you look for a new partner.
It's worth learning.

[Brutha]

The other dances related to salsa will help with this too (Bachata, Merengue,etc most likely you'll dance them too) because sometimes you dance them even closer.

Yes, however it's all about starting somewhere. When I started dancing Salsa I wouldn't have felt okay with the closeness with which I dance Bachata these days.
I even remember a time where I attended one pre-party class that showed the basic Bachata/Merengue moves after I danced a month where a girl told me that's okay to be a bit closer.
These days the same closeness bores me when dancing bachata.

Becoming comfortable with closeness is a process that takes a few months. Dancing is no quick fix that changes you in a single day but it works, if you simply continue to show up.
On the other hand eliminating the nervousness through alcohol is a quick fix with the disadvantage that it reduces your sharpness in your interactions a bit.

You can even have a very sexy dance with someone's spouse and it doesn't mean anything.

In general that's the case but sometimes it also starts to mean something
Especially if you dance with someone who doesn't often dance close.

When dancing Bachata there always the opportunity to escalate the intimacy and to do to much.
That's however a game that you don't have to worry about in the beginning.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Yes, however it's all about starting somewhere. When I started dancing Salsa I wouldn't have felt okay with the closeness with which I dance Bachata these days.
I even remember a time where I attended one pre-party class that showed the basic Bachata/Merengue moves after I danced a month where a girl told me that's okay to be a bit closer.
These days the same closeness bores me when dancing bachata.

I agree. I didn't clarify..I meant the OP might start with salsa and later would probably end up dancing the other closer dances eventually, as most people do. I find the Tango/super close Bachata kind of boring too (and hot! temp-wise). I love the Dominican Style though.

Originally Posted by Brutha

When dancing Bachata there always the opportunity to escalate the intimacy and to do to much.
That's however a game that you don't have to worry about in the beginning.

True, too. It's never a good sign if someone ends up pregnant on the dance floor.
By sexy I mostly meant the attitude and flirtations towards each other on the dance floor, not necessarily proximity. (I kind of jumped around on my thoughts before..didn't mean grinding on someone's spouse is acceptable...oops.)

Great suggestion. Worked for me too.

[Brutha]

I meant the OP might start with salsa and later would probably end up dancing the other closer dances eventually, as most people do. I find the Tango/super close Bachata kind of boring too (and hot! temp-wise).

I rather find that the lack of closeness bores me today (the distance I danced at the beginning)

The kind of Bachata with a lot of footwork that gets shown on youtube as Dominican Style isn't much danced in Berlin.
It's also much more difficult to lead while the basic Bachata step is danceable with a girl that hasn't danced before.

didn't mean grinding on someone's spouse is acceptable.

Just out of interest, where would you see the line where it becomes inappropriate?

It's never a good sign if someone ends up pregnant on the dance floor.

My dance teachers always tell us that you can't become pregnant through Bachata

[Johnny Skosnik]

Excellent point on the dancing lessons. You can find them by going here , entering salsa or tango into the "Topic or interest" box and your location. You should get back some results. Go to these classes and enjoy the fun!

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Brutha

The kind of Bachata with a lot of footwork that gets shown on youtube as Dominican Style isn't much danced in Berlin.

I'm in Texas and there's not much of that style here either, but I still wanted to dance it so I had to manifest some partners - 3 so far.

Originally Posted by Brutha

Just out of interest, where would you see the line where it becomes inappropriate?

Well....I'm going on the assumption that you're wanting technicalities...one time I was dancing with a guy and could feel his *stuff* on my leg a few times throughout. That was too close and I adjusted my distance when I felt it. I didn't walk away or anything because it did not seem intentional.

There are other times when my bust gets in the way of the move and it's a little uncomfortable for me. But again, if it's not intentional I try to be understanding.

The one thing that does get to me is if the guy has his hand on my lower back or my hip. I don't like that at all. Probably sounds weird compared to the other two things I mentioned, but there's something about it that really bugs me. Not sure if it's because I'm ticklish or because it just feels very intimate. I will politely tell the guy or just move his hand myself.

Originally Posted by Brutha

My dance teachers always tell us that you can't become pregnant through Bachata

Check your sources...that can't be right.

How long have you been dancing?

[180]

Just I'm curious from a psychological standpoint....

Were you physically close to your mother?

[Brutha]

How long have you been dancing?

One and a halve years.

Well....I'm going on the assumption that you're wanting technicalities...one time I was dancing with a guy and could feel his *stuff* on my leg a few times throughout. That was too close and I adjusted my distance when I felt it. I didn't walk away or anything because it did not seem intentional.

There are other times when my bust gets in the way of the move and it's a little uncomfortable for me. But again, if it's not intentional I try to be understanding.

I think you mean the kind of closeness that exist in this video? That not even that close

When dancing that kind of Bachata I think it's important to for the man to feel when the woman feels uncomfortable and increase distance.
There however are also a lot of girls who don't have a problem with that kind of closeness provided it's lead smoothly.

The one thing that does get to me is if the guy has his hand on my lower back or my hip.

It always better transmission of movement if at the right hand is on the upper back and the lead is stronger.
Even if the left hand happens rest on the lower back

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Brutha

I think you mean the kind of closeness that exist in this video? That not even that close

No, that video isn't too close. That's kind of what I'm used to. Dominican style is my preference but I don't sit any songs out when they play Bachata. I love it more than salsa.

Originally Posted by Brutha

When dancing that kind of Bachata I think it's important to for the man to feel when the woman feels uncomfortable and increase distance.
There however are also a lot of girls who don't have a problem with that kind of closeness provided it's lead smoothly.

I wish you could forward this advice to the guys over here.
Leading is way harder though so I'm sure it takes time to build this type of intuition.

But yeah, I'll probably phase out of my uneasiness as I only started in November. I've come a long way though, I used to feel awkward just holding a closed position.

Originally Posted by Brutha

It always better transmission of movement if at the right hand is on the upper back and the lead is stronger.
Even if the left hand happens rest on the lower back

Agreed.
Of course if the guy is sweet and single...I don't mind it as much.

[Brutha]

Leading is way harder though so I'm sure it takes time to build this type of intuition.

Yes. These days I have no problem with dancing Bachata with woman who say "I can't dance" when I ask them to dance.

When dancing with beginners there also the issue that it's sometimes not clear whether the woman feels a bit uncomfortable because she messed up a move a bit or whether the closeness is the cause. It sometimes a matter of preferring the explanation that the guy wants to be true.