online distance relationship - need advice

[iamanon]

I met my girlfriend online about 6 months ago. We met by pure coincidence/ synchronicity, and I know we're perfect for each other. We're both in college right now, but home for the summer. She's around 1000 miles away, and we have not been able to meet yet. Neither of us have told anyone about this relationship yet, and we're really not sure how to move forward. She is my first girlfriend, and my mom is quite controlling and doesn't want me to date until I'm finished with school, and she's unlikely to approve of the relationship, which makes it difficult for us to be together. I'm not opposed to telling my parents, but I need advice on how best to do it without compromising our chances of being together. My girlfriend comes from an abusive family and is in a very complicated situation. Her mom currently believes that she's still dating her ex that she broke up with over a year ago, and I'm worried what would happen if she found out about us. Unfortunately, she can't leave entirely right now, because she has a younger sister, and leaving her alone in that situation isn't an option. Neither of us are in a good position to transfer schools right now for financial reasons. So basically, I need advice on how best to move forward in this situation. I know hiding in fear isn't a good option, but I don't see any viable way to move forward from that either.

[elucidate]

That's really a tough one. Firstly, I think it's a priority for her to get her and her sister away from this current abusive situation before looking at how you two can be together...wouldn't you agree?

Is there anyway she can go to child services and report the abuse? It would take alot of courage from her end, but if her parents are both abusing her and her sister, or one is and the other is too passive to do anything about it, then it's up to her to get her and her sister away from that situation.

Does she have a job? Does she have any money saved up?

I would be encouraging her to get her sister placed in some sort of foster care and for her to look at moving, if not to your town , then at least into a place of her own, or with friends...a safer place, maybe even a domestic violence shelter, until she can find work and make solid plans with you perhaps.

You didn't really mention the degree of the abuse taking place, and I understand it's not the sort of thing you would want to share with the world, but is it serious enough that she would be safer in a different place to her home? I know abuse is abuse, but there are varying degrees which can dictate what actions she needs to take, and I don't have enough information to give any more suggestions without knowing the degrees.

You don't have to share this of course, whatever you feel comfortable with.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by iamanon

I met my girlfriend online about 6 months ago. We met by pure coincidence/ synchronicity, and I know we're perfect for each other. We're both in college right now, but home for the summer. She's around 1000 miles away, and we have not been able to meet yet. Neither of us have told anyone about this relationship yet, and we're really not sure how to move forward. She is my first girlfriend, and my mom is quite controlling and doesn't want me to date until I'm finished with school, and she's unlikely to approve of the relationship, which makes it difficult for us to be together. I'm not opposed to telling my parents, but I need advice on how best to do it without compromising our chances of being together. My girlfriend comes from an abusive family and is in a very complicated situation. Her mom currently believes that she's still dating her ex that she broke up with over a year ago, and I'm worried what would happen if she found out about us. Unfortunately, she can't leave entirely right now, because she has a younger sister, and leaving her alone in that situation isn't an option. Neither of us are in a good position to transfer schools right now for financial reasons. So basically, I need advice on how best to move forward in this situation. I know hiding in fear isn't a good option, but I don't see any viable way to move forward from that either.

I won't give advice specifically on the details of your respective family situations, but, in general, I have adopted a "policy" of not mentioning online relationships to anyone unless I have met the other person. Most of the time, people like family members may not take an online relationship seriously until you have some real-life experience with the other person. If you tell others without having real-life experience with the person, you may just be inviting unnecessary hardship upon yourselves--hardship which would be much more easily worked through or resolved once the relationship has been solidified in real life. Telling others prematurely may even lead to making the reality of the relationship an impossibility, or severely complicate it.

It seems like you both have your separate situations to deal with before coming together, though. It would probably be best to deal separately with those issues and then come together, and then tell your families.

[iamanon]

@elucidate
To our knowledge, they aren't physically abusing her sister, but her mom is a drug addict, and is very emotionally abusive. However, they have been physically abusive to my girlfriend in the past. I agree that it's a priority to get them out of this situation, but I'm not sure of the best way to go about it. She doesn't want her sister to end up in foster care, and has talked about trying to adopt her, but I don't know how feasible it is. She has a job at school, and is trying to find one at home, but I don't think she has much money saved.

@Bliss Sage
That's basically the policy we've stuck to so far. I know my parents probably won't treat it as a serious relationship, and will probably view it as me being desperate because she's my first girlfriend, and we met online. It's doubtful that they'll believe me that it was a coincidence. and it's not likely that she's somebody that they would approve of me dating. So for now, I'm still keeping it secret. As for her, her mom is convinced that her and her ex are soulmates and is likely to react badly to the fact that they aren't together, let alone that she's with someone else. Right now we're planning to secretly meet up during the next school year, but it's hard to say how everything's going to work out.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by iamanon

@Bliss Sage
That's basically the policy we've stuck to so far. I know my parents probably won't treat it as a serious relationship, and will probably view it as me being desperate because she's my first girlfriend, and we met online. It's doubtful that they'll believe me that it was a coincidence. and it's not likely that she's somebody that they would approve of me dating. So for now, I'm still keeping it secret. As for her, her mom is convinced that her and her ex are soulmates and is likely to react badly to the fact that they aren't together, let alone that she's with someone else. Right now we're planning to secretly meet up during the next school year, but it's hard to say how everything's going to work out.

Well, I would take it easy/slow if I were you. You are both young and you have time to come together in a multitude of different ways, without the interference of family especially, once you are (one or both) out on your own. If it was meant to be, you can both relax and enjoy what you have now while looking forward to when the time is right for you to be together properly without outside influence or drama. Don't worry, be happy together--neither of you are doing anything illegal or bad .

[Johnny Skosnik]

Originally Posted by iamanon

I don't see any viable way to move forward.

That's because there isn't a way.

I understand you feel captivated by this girl and feel she is The One, but this simply isn't going to work out. She has a lot of issues and is 1,000 miles away making it nearly impossible for you to help her resolve those issues. Online communication is no substitute for a heartfelt face-to-face discussion. You met six months ago and still haven't met in person? That's not a relationship.

Tough-love advice: break up with her. I'm guessing you're both in your mid-20's. She needs professional therapy and you need to meet someone living on your college campus, someone much more available.

[aelle]

How old are the two of you? From your message, it seems that you let your parents be in control of the relationship instead of yourselves. If one of you is underaged, it's understandable, but otherwise, take charge, man.

I am sorry to hear about the abuse in your gf's home. I agree with Elucidate on that one. It sounds like a hard situation, however it's not a child's place to take responsibility for the parents' **** ups. There are dedicated institutions and groups that can get your gf's sibling the help and protection she needs from abusive parents, much more efficiently than her sister could. Calling social services, the police or a domestic abuse hotline would be the responsible thing to do.

Long distance relationships are hard, but they can work if all partners involved put in some efforts. I would say that honest, deep communication, some real life meetings and somecreative thinking are necessary for things to work out as a real relationship, not just one you're having in your head. Good luck.

[iamanon]

@Johnny Skosnik

I'm not going to break up with her. I love her, and I'm willing to wait as long as I have to to be with her. It may not be immediately feasible, but we're both committed to making this work. And she's already getting professional therapy, but it's helped her a lot having me to talk to as well. I won't turn my back on her.

@aelle

I'm 18, she's 19. but we're both living with our parents still. Yes, we're adults, but we're still financially tied to our parents. We really just don't have the means to be together right now, but we're definitely trying our best. I honestly don't know what the best option is for her sister, and I can't make that decision for her, but we're trying to figure it out. We're both very open and honest with each other, even though we've never met, I'm closer with her than I've ever been with anyone else.

[elucidate]

I don't know where you are both from, so I can't help you with the feasibility of the adoption option, maybe that's something she can look into when she gets a chance. I'd be looking to stay motivated with action towards this situation though. The mother isn't gonna change overnight, and if your girlfriend is being physically abused, then she definately needs to get herself to a safe place. Where that is, I don't know?

It's good that she is being proactive, and that she has you there for her, you sound like a very loyal person...it's more than what alot of people in her situation have, so she has a fighting chance, she just has to keep taking small steps towards the goal. I'd say get herself out of the house first, and then see what she can do about adoption, though it's a big responsability...but I'm sure she is better for her sister than her parents are from the sounds of things. I would be leaving the option about foster care open though, if I were her, as some people are in a better financial situation than she is to be able to give her sister what she needs. I know this is really hard for her to see, as she feels responsable, but I thinks it's worth talking to her about again.

It's gonna put a HUGE strain on her...and therefore you, and the relationship! I hate to say it, but it really sounds like she is in what's called 'survivor mode' and you may represent to her the chance she needs to escape this situation. I'm not saying that she doesn't have real feelings for you, and I couldn't say either way since I don't know either of you or the nature of your connection...I just know that she NEEDS you right now, and that can set you up for alot of giving, and giving, and giving of yourself. It could work out very well for you both and bring you much closer together than either of you have been with anyone before, and build a very strong foundation for a long lasting beautiful relationship...it could also go the other way, but I won't go too into that.

Two kids, still in school, not making enough to live together...not even able to tell their parents about each other, let alone buy food and pay for school and everything else her sister needs. I don't know if she's thinking realistically about this at this stage...and I understand why. Maybe she needs to get a taste of how hard it will be, before she starts to realise that maybe foster care isn't such a bad idea. She won't be abandoning her sis, just giving her over to people who will care for her as much as she does, and are in a position to do so. It's her choice though...that's just my oppinion.

Originally Posted by iamanon

@elucidate
To our knowledge, they aren't physically abusing her sister, but her mom is a drug addict, and is very emotionally abusive. However, they have been physically abusive to my girlfriend in the past. I agree that it's a priority to get them out of this situation, but I'm not sure of the best way to go about it. She doesn't want her sister to end up in foster care, and has talked about trying to adopt her, but I don't know how feasible it is. She has a job at school, and is trying to find one at home, but I don't think she has much money saved.

@Bliss Sage
That's basically the policy we've stuck to so far. I know my parents probably won't treat it as a serious relationship, and will probably view it as me being desperate because she's my first girlfriend, and we met online. It's doubtful that they'll believe me that it was a coincidence. and it's not likely that she's somebody that they would approve of me dating. So for now, I'm still keeping it secret. As for her, her mom is convinced that her and her ex are soulmates and is likely to react badly to the fact that they aren't together, let alone that she's with someone else. Right now we're planning to secretly meet up during the next school year, but it's hard to say how everything's going to work out.

[iamanon]

@elucidate

to my knowledge, they are not physically abusing her anymore, but there's definitely emotional abuse. Her mom's disabled, and her step dad's gotten in trouble in the past for it. She's goes to school elsewhere, so she's away most of the year anyways. We're trying to figure out what to do about her sister, but it's a pretty complicated situation, and I really don't know what's best. And yes, she does need me, I know that. We're both very supportive of each other, and I definitely think it's worth continuing. I dunno, if she can transfer to my school (I can't go to hers for several reasons), then we could get some cheap housing and have her sister stay with us. We could probably both find jobs and make it work. but it would be a very big commitment, and I really don't even know how feasible that is for sure.

[anniecooper]

Originally Posted by iamanon

I met my girlfriend online about 6 months ago. We met by pure coincidence/ synchronicity, and I know we're perfect for each other. We're both in college right now, but home for the summer. She's around 1000 miles away, and we have not been able to meet yet. Neither of us have told anyone about this relationship yet, and we're really not sure how to move forward. She is my first girlfriend, and my mom is quite controlling and doesn't want me to date until I'm finished with school, and she's unlikely to approve of the relationship, which makes it difficult for us to be together. I'm not opposed to telling my parents, but I need advice on how best to do it without compromising our chances of being together. My girlfriend comes from an abusive family and is in a very complicated situation. Her mom currently believes that she's still dating her ex that she broke up with over a year ago, and I'm worried what would happen if she found out about us. Unfortunately, she can't leave entirely right now, because she has a younger sister, and leaving her alone in that situation isn't an option. Neither of us are in a good position to transfer schools right now for financial reasons. So basically, I need advice on how best to move forward in this situation. I know hiding in fear isn't a good option, but I don't see any viable way to move forward from that either.

Get out. Now.
I wasted a year and a half of my life waiting for an idiot. I met him once. After telling him for a year i loved him and i wanted a life together etc.
I met him once and he was a creep. Total psycho. He ended up stalking me etc and i had to get the police involved and now hes in jail.
If you wanna know more, PM me, k?

Online relationships VERY, VERY rarely work out.
You'll just set yourself up for total disappointment.
I mean if it DID work out, good for you but, i'm just being honest here............


My 2 cents anyway..

[elucidate]

Ok. Yes I know that you know that she needs you. I think what I was getting at when I used that word NEED, is that her neediness may end up overtaking the relationship. It sounds like you are fairly new to the world of relationships, and still learning, as we all are. I'm not saying it can't work, just that it will probably be quite tough for both of you.

I wish you both the best though...it's quite a real love story you are both creating. Interested to know how it turns out for you both, so let us know o.k.

Originally Posted by iamanon

@elucidate

to my knowledge, they are not physically abusing her anymore, but there's definitely emotional abuse. Her mom's disabled, and her step dad's gotten in trouble in the past for it. She's goes to school elsewhere, so she's away most of the year anyways. We're trying to figure out what to do about her sister, but it's a pretty complicated situation, and I really don't know what's best. And yes, she does need me, I know that. We're both very supportive of each other, and I definitely think it's worth continuing. I dunno, if she can transfer to my school (I can't go to hers for several reasons), then we could get some cheap housing and have her sister stay with us. We could probably both find jobs and make it work. but it would be a very big commitment, and I really don't even know how feasible that is for sure.

[Midnite]

This thread is being closed due to being dragged up from more than a year ago, with no new relevant content.