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05-27-2010, 10:43 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
 |  Why am I still in Love with my abusive ex?
I'm a 25 year old single mother of a 4 year old. I met her dad when I was 17. A few months into our relationship I moved in with him, I literally think that I fell in love with him at first sight. A few months into my move he started grabbing my arms, pushing me, throwing things, the slightest thing would set him off. I got used to his "moods" and knew how to gain a little control and have the "explosions" on my time, not his. The violence escaladed, he threatened me, my animals, himself. He would punch holes in the wall next to my head to scare me, pull my hair and drag me. He disabled my vehicle on numerous occasions, most of the time my bruises were below my neckline so it was easy to hide and not suspicious to my family and friends when I'd have the occasional busted lip or bruised cheek bone. I left him two and a half years ago and there were three incidents after while exchanging our daughter. The last one he was arrested and was ordered to go to Domestic Violence groups and counseling. We've tried to go around the no contact orders that the courts put in place and reconscile a few different times. I have now been dating a wonderful guy who has never laid a hand on me or disrespected me or my daughter in any way. I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with my second child. My ex has been in a relationship with someone on and off for two years. We both have different lives, but for some reason I cannot move on. I am going to be breaking up with my boyfriend because I don't think it's fair that I am not in love with him, I don't know if anything will ever happen with my ex and me but I want it to. When I think of family, I think of him. I can't get over him and move on as he can't with me. He won't open up to me at the moment about his feelings, but from what he says is that he thinks about me everyday and wants the same things I do. I'm not sure how to deal with this and I need help. What do I do?
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05-27-2010, 11:05 PM
| #2 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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What kind of adults will they grow up to be, having been almost certainly abused by their father/step-father themselves -- if he doesn't kill them before they reach adulthood. Can you live with growing kids who have to deal with the pain of seeing their mother and their pets abused? Are you okay with being directly responsible for your children being physically abused and maybe even killed? | |
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05-27-2010, 11:08 PM
| #3 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City
Posts: 11,168
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05-27-2010, 11:12 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,090
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From what you describe of your relationship with your ex, it was not a healthy one. Why would you want to go back to him? It sounds like an addiction rather than 'love'. I'm sure you've heard of women who pick men for all the wrong reasons. You also have to consider what this will do to your children. What would be best for them? Do you want them growing up around violent behavior and poor treatment of you? That would set a very bad example. I would suggest that you don't make any hasty or emotionally based decisions. Think about the long term consequences of your choices and make your children a priority. This is not just about you. Good luck! | |
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05-27-2010, 11:46 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: Michigan
Posts: 210
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Therapy is in order. And like ssandra said, do this by yourself. You need to work on you and you alone to figure out why you put yourself in the situation where you were exposed to such treatment. How quickly did you get involved with this new guy? You probably needed much more time to heal than you gave yourself. And forgive me if this sounds silly, but what do you mean when you say you’re not in love with your current bf? What do you not love about him? What exactly does "love" mean to you? I ask these questions for your benefit, not because I'm curious. If you can pinpoint what specifically you mean by that, it might help you discover why you do feel that way about your ex. How is he better than your current bf? Again, I stress therapy. Last edited by Tasha; 05-28-2010 at 01:26 AM. |
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05-28-2010, 12:18 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 961
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Your children will probably end up in abusive relationships because of the model you are setting for them. He sounds like a violent man who will eventually kill you. Get into counseling. Get the book "repair your life". It helps explain alot of how women are attracted to abusive men. You are used to the abuse that's why you want to go back to him. Not because of love. You have become comfortable being abused. |
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05-28-2010, 01:23 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
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I have gone to DV survivors groups, this is the free option for me as mental health is not covered with my insurance and I can't afford expensive hourly fees. I get mixed responses from my peers in group. Some believe that batterers can never change, some keep hope, some swear that with the right person, it's definately possible and their relationships prove it. I am in direct contact with my ex's counselor for his batterers intervention. He has more behaviors to change, but he is actually engaged in his program and doing the steps. I do realize that my 4 year old is 50% more likely to engage in an abusive relationship if she remains around violence and my unborn child if a girl will have the same possible outcome, and if a boy will be 50% more likely to become a batterer. My unborn child is my current bf's. It had been two years since I left my ex before I started dating him. The reason why I do not believe that I am in love with my bf is because I don't care if and when I see him, I'm not interested in what is going on in his life. I care about him because he is truly a nice guy, but we do not share ANY of the same interests. I like his family more than I like him and I believe that is why I am still with him, I want to remain close with his family not him. I do not regret the child that I am pregnant with, but I regret the circumstances. One thing I am not confused over is the fact that it is not fair to my bf if I remain with him. I do not love him, and that is not what he or my children deserve, nor do I deserve to be with someone I do not love. I know that my children and myself do not deserve to be with someone abusive as well but if he truly has changed (and continues changing), and the love is there, and we have the chance to be happy, wouldn't that be worth going for? Do people deserve the chance to change? I know that it would be a long uphill road, but if it goes how I want, why not try. I am not going to go back into an abusive relationship as it took me years to get out of, but talking and going slow to see if there are the signs that he is still may be abusive is the only way to truly know. He hasn't abused his current gf, so maybe he is telling the truth...just don't know how to tell.
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05-28-2010, 01:38 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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Well, I guess that answers my questions. You are indeed willing to risk your children's well-being, and even their lives, on the chance that this guy will be one of the rare exceptions. Good luck with your gambling. I hope you free your current boyfriend from the hideous situation you're putting him in -- or that he wises up and gets himself out soon. It's too bad for him that he's on the hook for supporting your child, though. I wish him lots of good luck, too. |
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05-28-2010, 01:54 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
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You can judge all you want, all I was wanting was suggestions. Yes, it is rare that a batterer does actually engage and change. Yes it is risky. I did not say that I was going to put my kids into anything. The only thing that I am saying for sure is that it is not fair to anyone involved for me to stay with someone that I do not love. He also knows that he is not "on the hook" for anything. If he does not want to father this child, I will do it. I told him that from the begining. Besides the fact that I did not have sex by myself so this is a child from both of us and I would hope that ANY parent would realize that a whether a child is planned or not, it is not the childs fault and both parents should stand up and take responsibility. I do feel bad that I am going to be leaving him and breaking up the family picture that he imagines, but that's what needs to be done. My children and me will live on our own and once I figure out what I am going to do with my ex, as he will always be a part of mine and my children's lives, I will do it. Whether that means us being together or not, I will be responsible. Like I said the only reason why I'm considering to go with what I want is due to me being so closely involved in his batterer's intervention and having nearly daily contact for the past two years with his counselor. This is why I do believe that this could be something I can go for. This is why I am considering the fact of a second chance on someone who seems that he truly has changed. Thank you for your judgement and response.
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05-28-2010, 02:07 AM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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It doesn't matter that you're willing to take 100% responsibility for your unborn child -- the father of that child is still on the hook. For one thing, he's on the hook emotionally -- he has an emotional investment in the baby. For another, at any moment you could change your mind and sue him for child support, and you'd prevail. Not to mention that he probably wants to be at least partially responsible for taking care of the kid. He's on the hook, alright. | |
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05-28-2010, 02:08 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City
Posts: 11,168
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I would warn you to not go back to your ex. Indeed, if you do not love your current bf you shouldn't be with him. Let him go with love and let him see his child when ever he wants (both for his sake and the child's). But do not go back to your ex. Even if abusers change, it usually is with a different person. You and him have a certain way of interacting. The way you are brings out the worst in him. The way he is brings out the worst in you. The combination will not work. I believe you owe it to yourself and your children to make a clean break and start over. Stop being involved so closely in his life (via his counselor) and start building a life for yourself. Heal yourself. You will never be able to trust him, because of the combination that the both of you have. What are you going to do at the first sign of abuse... believe his excuses again? Give him one more chance? How many chances are you willing to give him? Besides all that you are saying that he has a current girlfriend??? See him as the father of your child, and your ex, and move on with your life. Don't keep being stuck in his! |
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05-28-2010, 02:25 AM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 12,690
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You got out of the relationship with the batterer guy, and then got with a nice guy. But you don't love the nice guy because you haven't really healed from the relationship with the abusive guy...who is going to therapy and trying to change. And you're wanting him to change so much because, well, you still feel like you love him. Why do you think you haven't been able to move on? |
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05-28-2010, 02:36 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: Michigan
Posts: 210
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I agree with the advice given to you to make a clean break. Don’t torment yourself over what might have been. What if in the next year you meet someone who you love deeply who treats you like a queen, who doesn't have a history of violence against you or anyone else, and who wouldn’t ever dream of hurting you, let alone actually do it? Aren’t you worth that?
Last edited by Tasha; 05-28-2010 at 04:40 AM. |
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05-28-2010, 05:13 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: Manila, Philippines
Posts: 184
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Out of ALL of the abusive people I have known NONE of them changed. I have never understood this addiction. I have only known one person to get away from the cycle. The rest even after making the break ended up finding another just like the one they left. The one who did make the break was when I was in the Army. That only happened because he was forced to go to the mental health office and because his wife refused to go to classes or therapy he was told to coose; Army career or your wife. He divorced her and found a very sweet woman. Thank goodness they had no children. I am not judging you. I am just telling you what I know. If you are addicted and unwilling to break free send your children to a relative to live with them or to social services. They should not be poisoned by your addictions.
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05-28-2010, 10:49 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 459
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After reading your post my initial reaction was to say "why the hell would you want to go back to him!?" But then I thought about all the people I know who are in/have been in abusive relationships. They are unable to comprehend why they are with the person, why the person does this to them and why they want to go back. It is very frustrating for people on the outside because they know what's going to happen next. The way I look at it, it's almost like a gambling addiction. You never know whether you're going to win or not so you keep playing just in case you do. You are not going to win. If you've lost and lost and lost why waste any more time and money? A few questions that popped into my head: How do you define love? You say you love ex and you don;t love your current bf. What is love to you? What do you want out of a relationship? Do you need to have someone in your life to call your partner? Maybe just think very carefully before you make any decisions? |
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05-28-2010, 01:58 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2007
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05-28-2010, 02:44 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: A cute little town in Sweden :)
Posts: 1,174
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I know where you are. I did not love a man who beat me up, but he was a lying, betraying, deceiving, stealing cheater. And it took me 4 years to stop loving him. I swear I never could see the day in this world where I could stop loving him. And what I am experiencing right now is all very new to me, because I have NEVER before loved a guy who was good to me, or, truly, good enough FOR me. Here is the problem: The factors that determine who you love entirely reflect your own feelings about yourself. What determines who you love is what YOU think you deserve and what you think you're worth. I propose that the reason you do not love the nice guy is because you don't like yourself and don't find yourself attractive to or appreciative of a guy who is good to you. Contrarywise, you resonate strongly with how the abusive guy treats you and you feel comfortable or good about it on some level, so he is the one you love. I overcame my obsession for the guy I loved primarily through focused reiki sessions combined with psychotherapy. I don't know how else to do it. Like you, at least for the last year, I had a nice guy in my life. I didn't care and was trying to get rid of him, because all men were public enemy #1 as far as I was concerned. However, this winter and spring, when I did a specific reiki session, I suddenly found myself with a realization about the guy I was obsessed with and I accepted it, and I was 110% emotionally free of him. And the more I learn about the nice guy, the more I love him, and we are planning a life together. | |
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05-28-2010, 04:26 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
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It is a judgement, and we all judge by what we know. There is obviously way too much for me to go back in history about my ex, me, our relationship, our child, my current bf, just life in general. How many chances have I given him...hmmm, too many to count, but I never followed through with charges until a few years ago and never actually left so he continued to call my bluff. I also told him that if he could truly change then there was still hope. One of you asked me how I define love. I can't say that there is any one definition. I've had every emotion imaginable regarding my ex, but bottom line is, I keep wanting him. Do I deserve to be beaten? No, definately not. It took me many DV survivors group sessions to actually believe that. One of you told me to not be so close and to quit talking to his counselor. I won't do that. My daughter deserves to have her dad be accountable for all his choices and in the past I had not held him accountable (I also deserve for him to be accountable for our past). Me talking to his counselor allows a third party to hold him accountable. He has completed his required time of 56 weeks in this batterer's intervention program, he is still going because from what I can tell is he actually wants to continue changing. As for what I want out of a relationship, I just want to be happy. Bottom line. Do I need to be in a relationship, no, but I do like having someone around, not anyone in particular, when my daughter is with her dad I always find someone to be around. Whether it is my mom, sister, or a good friend. Someone else asked if I think that since he gets angry enough to completely loose control means...what that person does not know is that batterers do not "loose control" they are actually in more control when they are being abusive and that's why they abuse. So no, I don't think that becasue he's been abusive that means that he loves me, it means that he needs help. I agree that nothing anyone says is going to make up my mind on what I am going to do. He does have a current gf which he states that he cannot afford to live on his own and that they are more like roommates than a couple. This doesn't matter, if I do decide to give him a try he will have to leave the situation that he is in. And as far as putting my children in danger even if we are in seperate homes, I wouldn't allow him to come to my home, I would, without my kids, go meet him, always in a public place as well. I would be able to leave when I want or if needed. Like I said before, this would be a long, uphill, road. I'm not sure if I am going to go this route, I still have a lot of sorting to do. I don't know if he'd be able to get over the past just like I don't know if I can. I don't know if I could do this knowing about the possibility that he has not changed, although I believe at this time he has and is continuing to change. I don't know if he can get past me having a child with another man. I do know that he has never laid a hand on my daughter and he is a good dad who shows her great love and affection and that is something that will never change. Other than that I don't know what to do with the relationship. I know what I have to do with my current bf, I definately don't want to because I know that it will hurt him, but I have to, I don't believe you can force love, and that's what I have been trying to do to get my ex out of my head, which definately did not work. Why haven't I been able to move on? Ummm, good question, I don't know and that's why I keep falling back to the fact that addiction or not, I love him.
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05-28-2010, 04:34 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
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05-28-2010, 04:44 PM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
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Why do I keep wanting him?? I could make a list of the reasons, and I could make a list of the reasons why I don't, believe me I've done these many times. It comes down to when I think of loving a man, I think of him, besides my kids, he is the last person I think of every night and the first person I think of every morning, whether it's good thoughts or bad, they're still my thoughts. When I think of the family I want, I think of him being there.
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05-28-2010, 04:54 PM
| #24 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
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05-28-2010, 10:07 PM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,090
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If the two of you really love each other, then you can wait until it's 'right'. What's the rush? Rushing only leads to poor choices and bad decisions. You both need time to regroup and figure out what's in the best interests of everyone concerned - especially the children. Take your time! | |
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05-29-2010, 07:36 AM
| #26 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 147
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Read "Why Does it Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Read it multiple times and let it sink it. I also agree with previous posters: try not to rush with new relationship, get therapy, and don't go back! *hugs*
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06-13-2010, 11:46 PM
| #27 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
| What a painful road to walk
michonem--- I am amazed at the strength you had to leave that relationship  It is so hard to leave someone that we love. My ex was abusive towards me, and yes, it got worse over time. It has been 9 months and I just left him. Again. And he is still trying to come in contact with me and get me to date him. Again. And it is so hard to tell him that I cannot be with him. I understand the grief and pain that you feel. You love him, but he did abuse you. Horribly, over and over. I try to think of that as the bottom line, the root. I have a theory, I have been in an abusive relationship, before that I was not respected or treated nice in any relationship. Until this one guy came along, he treated me with respect, and love, and kindness, and I left him. Now, I was not in love with him, but it just felt so... weird. I was not use to being respected and loved. I was use to abuse, it felt like a normal, loving relationship to me. Abuse is NOT love. Whether you love him or not, he does NOT love you, and he does NOT respect you. I want to believe with ALL my heart that my ex will change, then I can take him back, and we can be happy together, and have a happy family! But I think of the pain, the lies. He has lied to me so many times about how he has changed, and how he is going to. But there was always that rush to be in a relationship again, rush to do things faster, and I think this is a warning flag. It sounds like you know full well the consequences, and I have no doubt. But if you choose to go back, be sure to watch for warning flags, even little ones, be clear and open to them. I went back to my ex yesterday, and the warning flags were flying everywhere, but I walked right past them because I didn't want to see them because I LOVED him and it HURT to be without him, I felt LOST. But I look back now, a day later, and see all of those warnings, and now im at painful, painful square one again---leaving. And being even more crushed that I have spent 9 months believing in him, only to have him prove my gut feeling right, once again. I believe in you! Please keep posted about what is happening, I care |
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07-05-2010, 03:08 PM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1
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Other people are so judging, even in this wonderful forum. They think that if they were in an abusive situation they would simply leave. It doesn't work that way. It was really difficult for me to recognize that I was even in an abusive relationship. It was like the fact of the abuse, and the disrespect and the violence and the emotional chaos, it was all invisible to me. My husband is charming and good looking, we are rich and smart and successful and involved in our community. No one would ever believe what was going on behind closed doors. It was awful and emotionally violent. I told my best friend a little about the abuse and she sided with him. I found a good therapist, with experience with "the abuse cycle" and that made all the difference. It's perfectly natural to love your abuser, even after you leave. It's called "trauma bonding," or "learned helplessness" or "Stockholm syndrome." Google all those phrases. Then read the chapters on what love really supposed to be like in Scott Peck's classic The Road Less Traveled. Get the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned in a post above, also the Patricia Evans books on verbal abuse. Steven Stosny has a good book Compassion Power and how it can help abusers change and I suppose that may work in some rare cases. These are all in the public library, look them up. If you are in an abusive relationship, or think you may be, get advice only from people experienced with domestic violence. Good luck. |
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07-05-2010, 03:19 PM
| #30 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Thanks for pointing this out. It's so true...and I've experienced the judginess of people here when it comes to abuse patterns aswell, though I know it stems mainly from ignorance. I have been judgy at times as well, so it was probably my turn to recieve it. Nevertheless though, you are onto it with "stockholm syndrome" and other labels for what is basically a normal response to having been on the recieving end of abuse. It creates a sort of brainwashing effect on the person, and it's definately not as easy as some people would like to believe it is...(usually the ones who have never experienced it firsthand) Quote:
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