Why am I still in Love with my abusive ex?

[ssandra]

To say that someone in an abusive relationship should leave is not judging, nor is it saying that it will be easy.

It still is the best advice for someone in an abusive relationship, if they want to take it at that moment or not.

And by saying that it is something they want to do or not I'm not judging either. It is a want. It might feel at times that it is difficult, or almost impossible, but that is just because the reasons to stay are still more important then the reasons to leave. I believe everybody always has a choice.

But there is no judgment in whatever choice they make.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Angela

I just read back through the thread and could not find even one person judging another.

She didn't specify that it was THIS thread. I've experienced being judged here for speaking about being in an abusive pattern with a guy I know, so I know it does go on, but I also know that people can be ignorant...even if they are developing, and smart.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by elucidate

and it's definately not as easy as some people would like to believe it is...(usually the ones who have never experienced it firsthand)

No one has said it's easy, either. But it is simple.

I stayed in a relationship with a guy who treated me poorly for three years. Like the OP, and like every other woman and some men I've known in similar situations, I sang the Chicken Opera: "But I LOOOOOVE him!!!" Rationalizing up a storm, all the reasons and explanations for why I couldn't (e.g., wasn't willing to) get out. And they were good reasons! I truly believed I was better off in this abusive relationship than I would be if I were on my own, and the thought of leaving him occurred to me in the same way death did.

I had a lot of friends and advisers who cooed and coddled me for a long time, feeling compassion and understanding for my plight, listening to me whine and complain and ask what I should do, and the response, of course, was always: leave him. You deserve better. You're a good person. We understand how hard it is. Your self-esteem is shot. Get a therapist. Etc. All lovingly delivered after long hours of patient listening and consoling.

And none of it made any difference at all. I knew all that stuff consciously, but my unconscious commitment was to stay and be abused (I was believing "I am worthless.")

And then one day, one of my bravest friends said something like, "Angela, I am sick of you being so stupid. The ONLY reason you're being abused is that you're staying in this relationship and agreeing to be abused. You can do that if you want, but it's too painful for me to watch or listen anymore, or to see the weak, pitiful creature that you've become, so I'm out. Call me when you are ready to break it off with him. I'll get the Pain Hospital ready for you at my house, you'll come check in for a week of what we both know is going to be agony for you. But until then, please don't call me."

I was absolutely stunned. Horrified, hurt, angry, ashamed, betrayed, devastated. And I got the message: it wasn't him at all - I was creating myself as an abused victim, and I was fighting to STAY a victim. There was some vomiting that day -- I was really sickened to face the impact of what I had been believing about myself, not just the impact on me, but on everyone around me. If I had logged on here and told everyone what my friend had said, chances are I'd get some "What a terrible friend! SHE has no compassion - She's an ineffective communicator - She's JUDGING you! Dump HER!" -type responses. And of course, a few brave souls would say, "hey Angela, listen. What's getting reactivated there? What aren't you taking 100% responsibility for?" and a couple of intrepid warriors who would say, "She's right. Stop whining and take action." The bastards.

I was too wimpy to actually break it off with him; I ended up sort of passively-aggressively engineering it so that he would end it. (Not my recommended approach; it ended up being much more painful and ugly than if I had ended it myself.)

I checked into the Pain Hospital at my friend's house, and endured a week or so of what felt like unbearable agony, dying to call the guy the whole time. (I was forbidden to use the phone at the Pain Hospital, except to call women. ) I wondered if I would survive it. It took about three months to feel even remotely human again, and probably another six months or so before I was ready to date in any reasonably healthy way. During that period my mom became ill, and before she died, she told me that she was ecstatic that she didn't have to go to her grave knowing I was still with that guy. Owwch.

And now, looking back, I can see that that whole thing was one of the most huge turning points in my life. I could have remained in that relationship for the rest of my life, and I think I probably would have, if it hadn't been for my friend D (or someone) giving me that metaphorical slap in the face.

It wasn't easy. That's for sure. It wasn't easy.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by elucidate

She didn't specify that it was THIS thread. I've experienced being judged here for speaking about being in an abusive pattern with a guy I know, so I know it does go on, but I also know that people can be ignorant...even if they are developing, and smart.

Being judged is a subjective feeling. What one person sees as judgment may be what another may see as effective tough love. You might want to look at why not feeling judged seems so important to you (I think it is cuz I see you mention it often). For me, I know that if I post something going on in my life, I may feel judged by certain opinions -- which is fine, I grant people the right to judge, but that does not invalidate the fact that their advice maybe useful, if I get out of my defensive mode to look at it from a powerful place.

To say people are ignorant just cuz they said something you feel judged by is rather judgmental of you.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by michonem

It is a judgement, and we all judge by what we know. There is obviously way too much for me to go back in history about my ex, me, our relationship, our child, my current bf, just life in general. How many chances have I given him...hmmm, too many to count, but I never followed through with charges until a few years ago and never actually left so he continued to call my bluff. .

NO he will not change. And if he does, it won't be for you. Tough news, I know.

Some people are attracted to each other solely through negative drama, and your relationship seems one of those. Negative drama can be very exhilirating, and honestly, I think it's even harder to quit than a calm loving connection.

What connects you is pain and hate and anger and resentment and fear. Good luck in waiting for him to change.

[elucidate]

Thanks for sharing that Angela. It helps to know that someone who is coming from an empowered place understands and has been through it themselves.

I agree that the molly coddling doesn't really help in the end, except as comfort, and a real friend is someone who will tell it to you straight and get mad at you. I've had to do the same with a good friend of mine recently, but she can't quite bring herself to do the same for me, unfortunately.

The comfort is best left for AFTER you have left the abuser...tough love can do wonders...as long as it's given with the understanding that it isn't as easy as just leaving.

Originally Posted by Angela

No one has said it's easy, either. But it is simple.

I stayed in a relationship with a guy who treated me poorly for three years. Like the OP, and like every other woman and some men I've known in similar situations, I sang the Chicken Opera: "But I LOOOOOVE him!!!" Rationalizing up a storm, all the reasons and explanations for why I couldn't (e.g., wasn't willing to) get out. And they were good reasons! I truly believed I was better off in this abusive relationship than I would be if I were on my own, and the thought of leaving him occurred to me in the same way death did.

I had a lot of friends and advisers who cooed and coddled me for a long time, feeling compassion and understanding for my plight, listening to me whine and complain and ask what I should do, and the response, of course, was always: leave him. You deserve better. You're a good person. We understand how hard it is. Your self-esteem is shot. Get a therapist. Etc. All lovingly delivered after long hours of patient listening and consoling.

And none of it made any difference at all. I knew all that stuff consciously, but my unconscious commitment was to stay and be abused (I was believing "I am worthless.")

And then one day, one of my bravest friends said something like, "Angela, I am sick of you being so stupid. The ONLY reason you're being abused is that you're staying in this relationship and agreeing to be abused. You can do that if you want, but it's too painful for me to watch or listen anymore, or to see the weak, pitiful creature that you've become, so I'm out. Call me when you are ready to break it off with him. I'll get the Pain Hospital ready for you at my house, you'll come check in for a week of what we both know is going to be agony for you. But until then, please don't call me."

I was absolutely stunned. Horrified, hurt, angry, ashamed, betrayed, devastated. And I got the message: it wasn't him at all - I was creating myself as an abused victim, and I was fighting to STAY a victim. There was some vomiting that day -- I was really sickened to face the impact of what I had been believing about myself, not just the impact on me, but on everyone around me. If I had logged on here and told everyone what my friend had said, chances are I'd get some "What a terrible friend! SHE has no compassion - She's an ineffective communicator - She's JUDGING you! Dump HER!" -type responses. And of course, a few brave souls would say, "hey Angela, listen. What's getting reactivated there? What aren't you taking 100% responsibility for?" and a couple of intrepid warriors who would say, "She's right. Stop whining and take action." The bastards.

I was too wimpy to actually break it off with him; I ended up sort of passively-aggressively engineering it so that he would end it. (Not my recommended approach; it ended up being much more painful and ugly than if I had ended it myself.)

I checked into the Pain Hospital at my friend's house, and endured a week or so of what felt like unbearable agony, dying to call the guy the whole time. (I was forbidden to use the phone at the Pain Hospital, except to call women. ) I wondered if I would survive it. It took about three months to feel even remotely human again, and probably another six months or so before I was ready to date in any reasonably healthy way. During that period my mom became ill, and before she died, she told me that she was ecstatic that she didn't have to go to her grave knowing I was still with that guy. Owwch.

And now, looking back, I can see that that whole thing was one of the most huge turning points in my life. I could have remained in that relationship for the rest of my life, and I think I probably would have, if it hadn't been for my friend D (or someone) giving me that metaphorical slap in the face.

It wasn't easy. That's for sure. It wasn't easy.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Being judged is a subjective feeling.

I agree. It doesn't mean the person is actually judging you. I thought about this last night actually.

What one person may see as 'effective tough love' may actually be judging though, under the guise of what THEY consider being 'helpful'.

You might want to look at why not feeling judged seems so important to you (I think it is cuz I see you mention it often).

Thanks for the suggestion. I don't think I really do mention this that often though...maybe once or twice in the last two weeks. If you percieve me to be doing this, then that is your perception. I think you are wrong about this though Maybe you are mistaking me for themaster? He's the one who is always going on about not judging. I will mention if I see someone judging someone else...if I think it isn't being helpful to them...but that is just pointing it out to them. I've also had it mentioned to me a few times...and I'm still here.

For me, I know that if I post something going on in my life, I may feel judged by certain opinions -- which is fine, I grant people the right to judge, but that does not invalidate the fact that their advice maybe useful, if I get out of my defensive mode to look at it from a powerful place.

I don't have a problem with people judging, as you've pointed out, I judge myself...I'm not scared of that...but if his/her comments aren't judged by me to be particularly helpful at the time, then I'm gonna say so.

Also, if they are actually giving advice then that is different...if they are just judging or comparing themselves to me, perhaps to make themselves feel better...then that is not helpful to me, and I don't think it's helpful to anyone else either.

Expressing that I don't find it helpful is helpful to me, and part of standing up for myself if I'm feeling bad about what someone has said to me, in the spirit of 'helpfullness'...maybe the other person recieving that feedback may not like that, as they may have to admit that they weren't infact being helpful, that doesn't mean I have to listen to someone who I judge as being unhelpful. I'm allowed to ignore as well.

To say people are ignorant just cuz they said something you feel judged by is rather judgmental of you.

Firstly, I didn't say I felt judged by people's ignorance. I said that some people can say things that are judgemental based on their ignorance. I never said there was anything wrong with being ignorant though...infact I've admitted more than once to being ignorant about alot of things here.

Fact is people ARE ignorant...about alot of things, especially ABUSE. It's always easy to say "leave him" or compare yourself to the person and say you would never do this or that...when you know nothing about that persons history. That isn't really helpful, in my oppinion.