Need advice please for my relationship

[nikky]

I am a bit worried about my current relationship. I am a guy in my thirties and my girl and I have been together for four months now, and I love her very much. We have similar interests and values and generally have a lot of fun together.

However, last weekend we went on a road trip together for the first time and there were some tensions. On the 2nd day of the trip, we had a minor disagreement in the morning and a bit bigger one in the evening. The one in the morning happened because we were stopping at the roadside to buy some water. I thought she was going straight to the supermarket and come right back, however without telling me anything, she went to take photos on the other side of the road. This went on for about 5 or 10 minutes until i got impatient and asked her what she was doing. As she was on the other side of the road and there was some traffic noise, I yelled. This she took this rather badly, however later I explained to her why I had yelled and why I had become impatient in the first place. She did not seem to think it justified but we still reconciled after a short while.

We then drove on through some mountain paths, which was very beautiful but later on got stressful because we got lost and still had to search for a hotel when we arrived at our destination in the evening, which turned out to be really difficult. When we finally had a room, we went to look for dinner. The only good restaurant we found turned out to have a queue of 1 hour and the waiter took our phone number and told us she would call. We went for a walk meanwhile, planning to look at other restaurants, and I got impatient again. I thought the restaurant people probably would not call us but we also did not find any other appealing restaurant (it's hard to get somewhat healthy food in a Spanish village!). Also I was worried because it was getting late and I thought the restaurants might close and we would go to bed without food (there are no 24h supermarkets in Spanish villages, either).

After a while of walking around she got pissed of at my bad mood and got rather angry. We did get a call from the restaurant then and my mood went back to good, however she remained angry. This went on until the night and made me feel rather bad, because for the first time I saw her look at me with a rather detesting look in her eyes. Normally she looks at me lovingly, which I already got used to, and these detesting looks really hurt me. It almost felt as if some of the love in me died.

I prayed for this to be only temporary, and luckily it was. We fell asleep arm in arm in the hotel room as we always do, but everything was not right yet. However, deep in the night i found her clinging to me like a koala like she always used to do, which is one of the may things I love so much about her. In that moment i was so glad and thankful that I could have cried.

However, a couple of days later when we were back home again, she told me via IM that that day, she thought the relationship was beginning to turn bad, as with her ex boyfriend similar things had happened. This really hurt me again and made me feel insecure about our future. I really want our relationship to last because I think she is a great girl and there is so much love between us. I also think I may have a patience issue and need to improve this.

Can you give any advice on how to continue with this? I don't want to make this post too long, but if you need more details I will be more than happy to give them. I should add that I do not have much experience with long relationships, when I was with a girl it lasted for a couple of months usually (1 year max so far) and then it was over one way or the other. I do want to stay with my current girlfriend indefinitely if possible, as long as we are both happy in the relationship of ourse. However as this was our first trip together and they were already problems, I am a bit doubting now about our future... My explanation so far is that we were both stressed and therfore got upset more easily than normal. However there may be deeper issues that I am yet unable to see. What do you think?

[ssandra]

Hi,

First off, welcome to the forum... just as a small tip... if you use paragraphs in your text it is a lot easier to read for most people and you can probably expect more responses that way.

About the relationship itself. It is absolutely normal to be stressed and to be fighting on your first holiday together. It happens. Don't worry about it.

That being said, I do think that the main issue here was not her or what she was doing or not doing, but more your impatience.

If you are on a holiday, really, what does it matter that she goes and takes some pictures? Or that a restaurant has a line of an hour?
Maybe try to take things a bit more easy next time.

And you can even ask her, when she notices you getting impatient to tell you, so you are aware of it, before you get in a bad mood...

[danas]

Originally Posted by ssandra

If you are on a holiday, really, what does it matter that she goes and takes some pictures? Or that a restaurant has a line of an hour?
Maybe try to take things a bit more easy next time.

And you can even ask her, when she notices you getting impatient to tell you, so you are aware of it, before you get in a bad mood...

I agree that he can be more patient
but I've learnt that when a guy is hungry he get very impatient and anxious until he eats. Somehow women can handle hunger better. So I think she can also be more patient
it's probably best to talk about it straight away and not let the tension last

[Eduard E]

That restaurant scene makes me think that you two have gotten so close that you're not allowing yourselves to be separate individuals anymore. She's reacting emotionally to your bad mood, you're reacting emotionally to hers. You're passing bad emotions from one to the other and this creates trouble.

I think what you need to do is accept yourselves as separate individuals, who are attracted to each other very much, but they're still separate. That way, you don't feel responsible for the other person's emotions and cat just let her have them. Too much attachment can be an unhealthy thing in relationships.

[nikky]

ssandra, thanks for the hint regarding paragraphs! I have edited the main post already.
Yes I believe the main issue is my impatience and these scenes have helped me to realize that I need to improve this aspect of myself.

I think it is a great idea to ask her to tell me when she notices I am getting impatient, so that I can realize it and change...

danas - yes we definitely should talk about it, and we did actually do so instantly in that restaurant, however it was not easy at all as she was then angry at me which made it hard for me to get a connection. I was not angry at that moment any more, just sad at her anger...

Eduard - I sort of see what you mean, of course we are reacting emtionally to each other, but as we are in love we actually want it to be that way do we not? I really can't see how to implement your advice without growing more distant to her, could you elaborate on this?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by nikky

Can you give any advice on how to continue with this? .. My explanation so far is that we were both stressed and therfore got upset more easily than normal. However there may be deeper issues that I am yet unable to see. What do you think?

I think that for a couple who's been together for 4 months you've done well to avoid conflict up to this point. To expect not to have tense moments and disagreements in a relationship is totally unrealistic. All relationships have moments of impatience, anger, misunderstanding, stubborness etc.

The key is to work through these moments rationally and maturely. Getting to know one another and learning to deal with each other's quirks and idiosyncrasies is normal. Do either of you think was not bound to happen sooner or later? No one is perfect and we all have to learn how to get along with each other in both happy and trying circumstances. Only if you are unable to resolve these differences will you have a big problem in the relationship.

I'd say you both have to 'lighten up' a bit and cut each other some slack.After all, we're all human.

[nikky]

Hi ZHereford, I know it's normal to have fights in relationships. We had one or two misunderstandings in these four months, but it never got really serious. The reason I got so worried this time is that I somehow now feel different about the two of us. I still think she is a great girl and hope that we can be together for a very long time having a lot of fun, and also stick together in the bad times... but something changed. Can't put my finger on it though. Maybe it is normal that after a couple of months the first "crazyness" of love (I wish I could express it better in English ) goes away and the relationship becomes more "serious".
We will see how it goes, we are seeing each other tonight for the first time since Monday when we came back from our little trip. I think all will go well and am open for everything. I am excited to see her, wonder what will happen... Planning to make it a good one though xd

[Angela]

My intuition tells me that you reactivated her old gunk. Nothing like a road trip to reactivate old gunk!

I suspect that she's got some old habitual negative thought patterns (gremlins) running that get reactivated when her lover is impatient and yells ... as with her ex boyfriend with whom similar things happened. And until she disconnects it, it's going to happen in all her future relationships, as well.

It sounds like you have some old habitual negative thought patterns about being kept waiting, too -- it's amazing how these mutually complementary gremlins always seem to find each other!

You can't release her from her gremlins, but you can take responsibility for yours, release them, and talk to her about them. You can even acknowledge and apologize for letting your gremlin run rampant over her. I would NOT say, "hey, you've got to release your gremlin!" to her, though -- which would most likely tend to just reactivate it again. I would just de-activate my own, and be the change I want to see. It's kind of astonishing how just making that change in yourself can almost magically change how the other person occurs for you.

And also, I would not ask her to tell you when you're getting impatient. This would put the onus and responsibility (at least the feeling of it) for your feelings onto her, and that's probably going to occur like a burden -- and my guess is that she's had enough of bearing that burden of responsibility for other people's impatience and yelling -- she's probably felt that since she was a little girl. (Daddy?) I think it may actually infuriate her -- although she might not tell you that she's infuriated, or even acknowledge it to herself -- but I think that's where that rather detesting look in her eyes may come from.

[nikky]

Angela you nailed it pretty much. My family (especially my mother, and later on my sister also) were pretty good at keeping me waiting for seemingly indefinite amounts of time. I guess that's why I got this impatience problem in the first place, which I would really love to let go of. Immediately after getting back from the trip I added a new goal to my list which is simply "I am patient"

Just to rectify one thing though, I am generally not a yelling type at all unless I get really really angry, which I wasn't ever even close to with my girl. She is much too sweet for that The one and only reason I yelled during that trip was because she was on the other side of the road and I thought it was necessary so she could hear me. I was being rather impatient at that moment, however, so I see how it probably came across like I was shouting at her out of anger. Personally I would consider yelling at someone a form of abuse und would hate to do so except in extreme circumstances. I apologized for shouting immediately after it happened though and it seemed to be fine... until that restaurant thing happened much later that day.

This triggered me once more (or my gremlin as you called it ) and I got in a bad mood, which then triggered her.

I really think if I could avoid "waiting" making me feel bad, then this issue would be pretty much resolved. Any ideas how to do this? Maybe set some new beliefs like "waiting gives me time for mediation," or "waiting gives me time to enjoy the company of my lover" for when I am with her, respectively? For that is what I feel I should have done at that point... walk down to the port and enjoy the sea and her company, instead of frantically looking for another restaurant.

I think I hit something big here. I just designed a new goal for myself which may really bring me forward, also regarding other aspects of me that I have been wanting to improve. How does this sound: "Waiting gives me time to enjoy myself and my company"?

[Angela]

Well, what you're talking about are ways of coping with or surviving your gremlin, which is what most people do -- like affirmations and goals to overcome it.

And if your really want to be powerful and free, you could actually disconnect the mechanism itself. That starts by examining what it is and where it came from. Gremlins are born when something happens in your life, usually when you are very small, something that is too much for you to handle with your limited baby resources, and you make a decision about yourself, a decision whose positive purpose is to protect and preserve you going forward.

The gremlin is a belief about yourself. It's not "My family was pretty good about keeping me waiting for seemingly indefinite amounts of time;" it's whatever you decided about yourself during one moment -- maybe when someone in particular, on a particular day, kept you waiting (or it may have been something else).

To find the gremlin -- the identity-level limiting belief, you can look for the earliest time you felt that familiar feeling. When did it happen? How old were you? What time of day was it? Who was there? What happened? What was said? And what did you decide about yourself?

And you can also ask yourself: "My family was pretty good about keeping me waiting for seemingly indefinite amounts of time, and that means that I am ______." It will be positively stated, rather than an "I am not ___" or "I am un____." And it'll be pretty ugly. It will be all about YOU and it will hit you like a ton of bricks when you see it -- you'll see how pervasive it has been in your life, running all of your decisions, way back to when you were small.... it may make you laugh out loud.

Take a look, if you want to.

[Angela]

...and p.s.. it doesn't matter what you were thinking or feeling when you yelled, how innocent or benign or positively-intentioned you were being -- her grown-up, enlightened figuring-it-out self will *know* all that, but her unconscious, little-girl self will still feel that old, familiar hurt that she felt so many years ago, the first time someone yelled at her and she made a decision about herself.

Same with you. Your grown-up, enlightened self will likely *know* that your belief isn't true, but your unconscious, little boy self will still feel that impatient, bad-mood feeling. The belief about yourself won't sound like a reasonable grown-up thing -- it'll sound like something a little child would say, because it IS something a little child said about himself -- it's what YOU said about yourself, way back when, long before you developed your grown-up resources.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, what you're talking about are ways of coping with or surviving your gremlin, which is what most people do -- like affirmations and goals to overcome it.

And if your really want to be powerful and free, you could actually disconnect the mechanism itself. That starts by examining what it is and where it came from. Gremlins are born when something happens in your life, usually when you are very small, something that is too much for you to handle with your limited baby resources, and you make a decision about yourself, a decision whose positive purpose is to protect and preserve you going forward.

The gremlin is a belief about yourself. It's not "My family was pretty good about keeping me waiting for seemingly indefinite amounts of time;" it's whatever you decided about yourself during one moment -- maybe when someone in particular, on a particular day, kept you waiting (or it may have been something else).

To find the gremlin -- the identity-level limiting belief, you can look for the earliest time you felt that familiar feeling. When did it happen? How old were you? What time of day was it? Who was there? What happened? What was said? And what did you decide about yourself?

And you can also ask yourself: "My family was pretty good about keeping me waiting for seemingly indefinite amounts of time, and that means that I am ______." It will be positively stated, rather than an "I am not ___" or "I am un____." It will be all about YOU and it will hit you like a ton of bricks when you see it -- you'll see how pervasive it has been in your life, running all of your decisions, way back to when you were small.... it may make you laugh out loud.

Take a look, if you want to.

Originally Posted by Angela

...and p.s.. it doesn't matter what you were thinking or feeling when you yelled, how innocent or benign or positively-intentioned you were being -- her grown-up, enlightened figuring-it-out self will *know* all that, but her unconscious, little-girl self will still feel that old, familiar hurt that she felt so many years ago, the first time someone yelled at her and she made a decision about herself.

Same with you. Your grown-up, enlightened self will likely *know* that your belief isn't true, but your unconscious, little boy self will still feel that impatient, bad-mood feeling. The belief about yourself won't sound like a reasonable grown-up thing -- it'll sound like something a little child would say, because it IS something a little child said about himself -- it's what YOU said about yourself, way back when, long before you developed your grown-up resources.

Truth.

(Damn, I love it when you talk about gremlins. )

[Angela]

I edited this in, but I want to make sure you see it: Your identity-level limiting belief will be ugly -- it will not be pretty. It will likely knock you for a loop, when you see it, because it won't feel gentle or consoling. It'll be more like.... "Oooof!"

[nikky]

I do remember a scene which ocurred very early in my life and is probably the first conscious memory that I have at all. My sister was not yet born so I was the only child at that time, which means I must have been 2 years old maximum. What happened was that I woke up one night and was afraid for some reason (like little children are afraid, quite normal thus far) so I went to look for my parents. (I was able to walk around the flat so I must have been older than 1). However they were nowhere to be found, they had left me alone in the flat. I remember I looked in all the rooms but they simply were not there. So I just sat on a chair in the central "hall" of the flat for what to me at the time seemed to be an eternity, crying, scared to death, thinking they would never come back.

Of course they did come back eventually, and were shocked to see me awake and comoforted me, but this was still the single most terryfing experience I can consciously remember.

Feels a bit strange to share this on the internet but whatever, I guess it will help me to let it go once and for all.

However I still don't see what this may have caused me to decide for myself. Maybe something like "They left me alone which means I am a burden for them"? This doesn't hit me very strongly though, I suppose the real belief is not that easy to see... I will dig further into this and let you know -- that is, if I decide it's something I want to share publicly

[nikky]

It might be something like "I am alone"...

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by nikky

Eduard - I sort of see what you mean, of course we are reacting emtionally to each other, but as we are in love we actually want it to be that way do we not? I really can't see how to implement your advice without growing more distant to her, could you elaborate on this?

Recently, when I am feeling drawn in by another person's negative feelings or when I am generating negative feelings by thinking about another person, I imagine a power cord running between us and I mentally "unplug" the cable. I am always free to plug back in when the feelings are more positive.

[Angela]

Take a look at your posts here in this thread and see how often you made reference to "coming back." Interesting, huh?