Doormats

[180]

I know a few other users on this forum are dealing with "doormat" qualities.

I've always thought they came from parents, this article details specifically what is the cause and how to overcome.

Field Guide to the People-Pleaser: May I Serve as Your Doormat? | Psychology Today

It says that it comes from our parents "conditional" love. That we strived to please them and we learned that love and acceptance only comes from doing things to please others.

I find this true with myself... and I think it probably reigns true for others.

Thoughts?

[brendannz]

Yep, my dad's a bit of a people pleaser.. I pick it up from him a bit..

He always makes excuses for his own desires, like if he wants to watch rugby on TV, he'll always say that I want to, etc.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I have a really strong drive to take care of people--to help them, to prop them up. I believe it's a positive trait, and I deliberately keep it as a compass in my life.

But, in the past I've seen this tendency cause the same problems as the people-pleasing disease, so I began making a deliberate effort to assert my needs and preferences, and to only "help" when someone asks specifically.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by MyEyeIsOpen

I have a really strong drive to take care of people--to help them, to prop them up. I believe it's a positive trait, and I deliberately keep it as a compass in my life.

But, in the past I've seen this tendency cause the same problems as the people-pleasing disease, so I began making a deliberate effort to assert my needs and preferences, and to only "help" when someone asks specifically.

I've come to the same conclusion, and I now monitor the amount of help and energy I give a person. The old saying about "give an inch and they want the whole arm" (or something?) is really true.

[ssandra]

What I've found is that only when I had expectations about my help (it would be accepted, they would listen to my advice, they would help be back etc) it could at times feel like I was helping others too much.

When I let go of my expectations and just helped (or gave advice or did something) simply because I wanted to, it became much simpler.

It is also much simpler to decide if you really want to do something if you do it without expectations. Because you are not doing it anymore cause tomorrow he might do something back, or yesterday she did something for you etc. It is now very simply: do I want to do this, or not.

[rei]

Hmm, yeah I have gone through the whole, "don't mistake kindness for weakness" thing. I really don't *enjoy* demonstrating that I have standards and won't subject myself to treatment that doesn't mesh with my standards (I don't enjoy moving from love-based to power-based, even though I can do power-based). But sometimes it happens. The key for me is balancing all of that with self (being fulfilled first and sharing that, rather than focusing outward first), and knowing I can break out the power-based stuff easily, if I choose to.

I also agree with Sandra's point.

[Bazza]

Yep, Ive definitely done my time as a doormat. Interesting thought about the parents, as I think that I had the opposite kinda of love from them. I was so confident in their love that I was an arrogant lil **** and only once I realised that I had no friends because of it did I actually go to the other extreme and become a doormat.

The thing that really helped me was learning the difference between aggressiveness (based in anger and power) and assertiveness (based in truth and love). Once I had that sorted I had the confidence to maintain my boundaries assertively and not fret over people who didnt like that.