How do I stop obsessing over his ex?

[littlemisssunshine29]

Hello out there! I found this forum and it seemed like a group of people who might be able to help me with my situation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating just over a year. We met each other at work and had been friends for over a year before we started dating. He was married for a couple of years when we met. During our friendship, from time to time he confided me in how badly his marriage was going, how badly his wife was treating him and that they were headed for divorce. One night a bunch of us work friends got together and he picked me up and took me to the party. I got a little intoxicated and on the way home we had some deep conversations about his relationship and my past. After that, we started emailing a little bit and he confided in me more about how negative his relationship was, and that he was planning to leave his wife. We connected emotionally over email but never did anything physically until he had moved out of thier home and started the divorce process.

As you can imagine, the divorce process is not a "snap your fingers and it's done" kind of thing. It took them 6 months to divorce, during which I was truly confident in the future of our relationship. A part of me worried that he and I should not be together until after his divorce, but I also felt a deep connection and friendship with him that neither of us wanted to lose.

Shortly before their divorce became official, his ex's mother contacted my mother through facebook and told her that he had come back to the ex and spent the past week trying to get back together. I was completely shocked at the accusation. And the thing is, I can't prove that my boyfriend didn't attempt to go back to her the week prior as he had severe bronchitis and spent a couple of days home sick. He didn't come over to my house and I didn't go to his because I didn't want to get sick too. After that, all my trust in him eroded. I had no proof that he didn't try to go back to her. None of his explanations soothed my fears. We took a break for a couple of months.

I missed him so much during those two months and thought that I had resolved my trust issues. He had jumped through every hoop I had put in his path those two months and I wanted us to move forward together.

In January his ex emailed me directly, stating, "you should know that we are not divorced, in case he has not told you." As far as I had known, there was a court date, they had both signed the decree and they were simply waiting for the paperwork to go through the county office. Again, my trust issues came up, but this time I vowed not to let them derail our relationship again.

My boyfriend is a good man. He has the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone, never respecting a thing in return. He is my best friend -- we can sit on the couch and talk for hours. We have the same dreams and ambitions. But I can't get over his past, his marriage or his ex's past involvement in our relationship.

It has been over 5 months since his ex has contacted me, yet I still have trust issues with him. I compare our relationship to the one he had with his ex (my perception). I think about the things they did together as a married couple and feel jealous. Before her mom contacted my mom, I had never been remotely jealous or suspicious of him.

My jealousy/obsession is to the point now that I am going to destroy our relationship.

I love this man and I see an amazing future for us. He has literally held my face in his hands crying, trying to get me to see that he loves me and only me, that he would never return to her, that I am the only woman for him.

How can I get beyond these trust issues and revive this very special relationship?

Thank you for your help. And please, don't bash me for being with a man going through a divorce, please don't.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

Hello out there! I found this forum and it seemed like a group of people who might be able to help me with my situation.

Hi.

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

Shortly before their divorce became official, his ex's mother contacted my mother through facebook and told her that he had come back to the ex and spent the past week trying to get back together. I was completely shocked at the accusation. And the thing is, I can't prove that my boyfriend didn't attempt to go back to her the week prior as he had severe bronchitis and spent a couple of days home sick. He didn't come over to my house and I didn't go to his because I didn't want to get sick too. After that, all my trust in him eroded. I had no proof that he didn't try to go back to her. None of his explanations soothed my fears. We took a break for a couple of months.

Did your boyfriend try to go back to his ex?

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

In January his ex emailed me directly, stating, "you should know that we are not divorced, in case he has not told you." As far as I had known, there was a court date, they had both signed the decree and they were simply waiting for the paperwork to go through the county office. Again, my trust issues came up, but this time I vowed not to let them derail our relationship again.

Are they divorced?

I'm pretty sure you can just down to the county office and check this. There will be a divorce certificate.

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

I compare our relationship to the one he had with his ex (my perception).

Stop that.

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

How can I get beyond these trust issues and revive this very special relationship?

This doesn't sound like a trust "issue" to me. It's not something to get over. You don't trust him - plain and simple. Instead of eliminating some problem you have (get over the trust issues), you could think of it as creating something new (building trust). Then it's not something wrong with you that's "blocking" the relationship - it's just where you're at in the relationship right now, and building trust is something you do as PART OF the relationship.

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

Thank you for your help. And please, don't bash me for being with a man going through a divorce, please don't.

Please. It didn't even cross my mind.

[littlemisssunshine29]

Thank you so much for writing back to me!

He says he didn't try to go back to her and that he was just extremely sick that week. That was in October and to this day he still is adamant that he didn't. Do I believe him? Different story.

He has not received his divorce decree in the mail yet. He filed in a huge county with apparently more important issues than finalizing divorce decrees (child abuse, murder, etc.). I have done a little research on this because the wait for a finalized decree (5 months) seems significant to me, but apparently it does happen in large counties like this. Does that sound weird?

I like the way you re-framed the situation for me. This is wonderful advice and I am going to really think long and hard about how I can build trust with him, instead of obsessing on my trust issues. Thank you!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

Thank you so much for writing back to me!

You're welcome!

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

He says he didn't try to go back to her and that he was just extremely sick that week. That was in October and to this day he still is adamant that he didn't. Do I believe him? Different story.

Did he talk to her at all?

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

He has not received his divorce decree in the mail yet. He filed in a huge county with apparently more important issues than finalizing divorce decrees (child abuse, murder, etc.). I have done a little research on this because the wait for a finalized decree (5 months) seems significant to me, but apparently it does happen in large counties like this. Does that sound weird?

It does sound odd to me; but I don't have any experience with divorce. I know with some large counties in California, there can be months-long delays like that getting vital records.

Is there any estimate about when it will come through?

Originally Posted by littlemisssunshine29

I like the way you re-framed the situation for me. This is wonderful advice and I am going to really think long and hard about how I can build trust with him, instead of obsessing on my trust issues. Thank you!

Sure thing!