Another one in need of first date advice, think it's just nervousness though

[brendannz]

Yep, if u remember my posts from months back, the girl who made me start this thread by saying I seem shy; Is Shyness something that needs to be overcome?
found me on facebook.

I was going to find her, but I think I was too worried / embarassed about my drunken behaviour to find her.

But she found me like about 5 months on and was like "aww shucks you remembered me!"

So anyway,

she asked if I wanna meet up, and she works around the corner from me so suggested she could stop by.. and gave me her number and siad "you'll have to chase me "

I dunno if it's a date or we're friends.. and I think I'm all good with the 'what to do' thing..

Its just I'm quite nervous, and I'm worried about being seen as nervous..

A few weeks back I had some really drunk and crazy girl saying "you're really jumpy!" which was probably true..

So if anyone's got any tips on relaxing when you're nervous that would be cool.. We've got a lot of mutual friends already.

Tomorrow I'll probably try and organise something..

[freddy]

I remember that I thought this was helpful a while back for me. And your question made me look it up again. It also seems to have some helpful info for my latested posted question. So thanks to both of you and hope this helps you brendannz


James81
Senior Member

Two important mindsets to embrace when dating...



Assuming your goal is a relationship, that is.

But essentially, these are two mindsets that I think we all should embrace when dating for compatibility.

1. Focus on the experience and not the outcome.

2. Don't make decisions FOR your partner.

The first one is pretty self-explanatory. Too many times we try to micromanage every facet of the relationship to produce a certain outcome. We try to manage every date we have as if it has to lead to a long-term relationship and that is simply not true. Stop worrying so much about where it is going and focus more on enjoying the experience and being who you are. Let compatibility steer you towards a relationship and not your preconceived notions on how to sustain attraction.

The second one is a bit more confusing the way I have it worded. Essentially, what this means is to NOT change who you are because you think your partner is pulling back. When you notice a change in your partner, don't assume that it has something to do with you (it might not). For example, if your partner pulls away from you, don't take that to mean you have to pull away too. Remain where you are...remain WHO you are...and assume that everything is ok until he/she tells you otherwise. In a healthy relationship, your partner will tell you when they aren't happy anymore. Don't make that decision for them based on fluctuations in the relationship. If you assume that a pulling back on their part means they are losing interest/unhappy, then you will create that as a self-fulfilling prophecy whether it's actually true or not. Don't second-guess your partner. Pay attention to what you need from a relationship and gauge your interest/interactions on that instead of what you think the other person wants/needs.
__________________
The Asylum

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. -- Lao Tzu

Don't Worry, Be Happy

[rei]

Hey Brendan, congrats

Based on what she said (very flirty) it sounds like a date thing - but - it's also just two people hanging out together, ya know? Just two people hanging out, totally normal...

For the nervousness, you could try playing basketball or another physical activity to let your body express some of that built-up energy. Also think about how she is lucky you are considering this, yeah I am suggesting you see yourself as God's gift in the dating arena I think it could be good for you Less thinking is good, and when you're thinking anyway pay attention to the thoughts and shift them (if needed) to be focused on your positive traits and positive outcomes, and keep that going (if the positive stuff feels too fake you could shift to neutral thoughts).

You could also accept the nervousness, maybe it becomes more manageable that way. Or visualize yourself as relaxed, suave, cool and calm.

There's some ideas, before my coffee has kicked in Hope it goes well!

[pinky3]

I can only give my opinion. Hope it helps.

I think the best cliche is "just be yourself". I would say don't try too hard! And give yourself some power in the situation? Maybe you spend all this time trying to impress her and in the end she's wrong for you?
You're both equal in the situation, trying to learn more about the other person and what they're about.
So I'd say learn... ask questions and maybe just act as if you're talking to any other friend of yours?

Hope it helps??
Good luck!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by rei

Based on what she said (very flirty) it sounds like a date thing - but - it's also just two people hanging out together, ya know? Just two people hanging out, totally normal...

was very flirty, but was kind of practical as well, because she'd asked me if I want to meet and said "here's my number" so she was just kind of saying "you have to do something" as well, as being flirty..

I'll just treat it as hanging out.. because usually my problem is making a bigger deal than it really is.. and need to just relax, so should just hang out..

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by brendannz

she asked if I wanna meet up, and she works around the corner from me so suggested she could stop by.. and gave me her number and siad "you'll have to chase me "

She wants you to chase her .. yum.

I vote you find some way to tell her you want to spend time with her. Like saying - "Hey, I was just going out for ice cream all by myself .. come with me and I'll buy you some ice cream. "

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by pinky3

I think the best cliche is "just be yourself". I would say don't try too hard!

Yeah, as much of a cliche as that is, I'm thinking the problem is making things out to be a bigger deal than they really are, and thinking you have to do this and that..

Really just treating it like a healthy & natural activity is the best thing to do, than to use any kind of strategy to go about it.

[wolfgang]

be nervous. they love it.

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Yeah, as much of a cliche as that is, I'm thinking the problem is making things out to be a bigger deal than they really are, and thinking you have to do this and that..

Really just treating it like a healthy & natural activity is the best thing to do, than to use any kind of strategy to go about it.

Oh I see. Sorry I;m trying to work on my forum etiquette. I am quite a lazy reader and don't always look into stuff too much. Sorry for random useless reply

In that case I'd say... you answered your own question in your answer to me. Good luck and have fun Hope to hear how it goes!

[brendannz]

First of all, Pinky3, you misunderstood me, my last message to you, I was saying that I agreed with you on the "just be yourself" part.. saying "even though it seems like basic advice, the best thing to do is try not to be something that you're not"

Secondly, it went really well, will definitely meet up with her again, she said I was interesting and very talented.

We're quite a lot different though, she's very left brained. Maybe like an ISTP (myer brigg)

Maybe relationships work best with 2 similars and 2 complete differents.. dunno..

Thanks for support guys..