What kind of relationship is this, big or just crazy?

[AtomicAnt]

I don't really need to know what to do about this relationship. I know it's either going to move forward dramatically soon, or I'm going to let it go again, for as long as letting it go lasts. We're in some loop, which resisting only will perpetuate.

What I want to know is what does this woman want with me? It's the most confusing relationship--and relationships normally do NOT confuse me.

I've worked with this woman for several years in the same building and we've been involved of sorts for nearly a year. We hit it off last fall, like nobody I've ever met before, and she made a pass at me, which made me totally fall for her, even though she's married (no children) and I'm not. I've had good relationships most of my life, so I'm not a novice at this. But I can't seem to "graduate" into or from this relationship.

I have no idea if her marriage is good or bad and don't focus on it. That's a jealous or envy feeling I don't care to cultivate. I have NO idea if he has a clue about us. If so, he could be part of the reason she acts so hot and cold, if he knows. She does open her emails at home and he is a computer wizard.

Because she is married and we work together in a building with no tolerance for employee dating, most of our relationship is texting or emails. When we actually see each other alone, we just stay high on each other and have a lot of heavy contact, but that's few and far between. We still have not slept together, which astounds me (considering my past warm and intimate relationships), and I can't get her to arrange that with me. We even could have arranged a work trip, but she wouldn't.

After she kissed me the first time, we texted each other several times a day about ourselves or our common interests (a shared hobby). In about a month, I wrote her and told her I loved her--and I meant it, like I've never loved anyone. Then, she kept texting me with the normal love and hugs and kisses symbols, but never told me if she loved me back in the same way. After a few weeks of no real answer, which I thought was just adolescent behavior, I just backed off and we had our first and only blow up, by email--and we both were rather at fault. That was about a six months ago and, since then, I've tried drifting away to have my own life--only to be wooed back when she starts writing to me again.

Now when we write, it's not the same as it used to be. She doesn't say how she feels in a deep way and she ignores anything I want to know, which never is much personal. But her notes are good in many ways. We mostly talk about our hobby, but she sure isn't writing to me about the hobby! I've tried just being a loving friend because I realized maybe that's all she needs, but that doesn't seem to satisfy her either.

So we're doing this dance of trying to be lovers, backing off, trying to be friends, that not making her happy either, backing off, then repeating the cycle. She's a fun, smart and good person, the "spiritual" type, so I expect her to have deeper loving motives or at least be genuine in friendship attempts. If I didn't think that, I'd say I was in a junior high relationship with someone who just wants attention. She has been married a long time and perhaps she hasn't ever dated anyone else, so maybe she loves me and is afraid to act or has teenage dating habits. In some ways, she's a strong woman, but she's very shy about some things.

So, I'm either walking out yet again on this sweet shy person who I love so much, or I'm the fool who just keeps waiting for our relationship to stabilize when she just enjoys the attention. I truly would be her friend and would be happy with that, because I'd get to move on and she'd be happy, ideally, yet she never is.

Any ideas are welcome. I've thought about this so much, I can't see it clearly. It is the most wonderful, or most bogus relationship I've ever had!

[butterflyeffect]

Hey,

Here is my understanding of your relationship, the facts that popped out at me:

- She is married
- You work in the same building
- No one can find about you guys because of the above two reasons
- Most of your communication is through email/texts
- She is hot and cold
- Your confused but can't seem to let go regardless

I am coming from a place where I believe going out with someone married is wrong and alot of society holds similiar beliefs whether they actually adhere to them or not. I suspect that has a large part to play in the hot and cold thing.

Therefore my logic is, she has been going out with her hubby since high school, she has a crush on you and is almost playing the field. Exploring her options, on one hand your relationship is illicit, dangerous and exciting and on the other its "wrong" (upto personal values), socially frowned upon, against company policy etc Alot of conflicting emotions would come up. Also emailing you is probably nice, important to have someone to talk to, to feel attractive and sexy and meet her unfufilled needs. She has to be careful though, she doesn't want to lose her job, marriage and social standing over something like this.

You - she is making you feel sexy and attractive. You feel as though you really know her. You like her as a person and connecting with her. Your confused by all the hot and cold behavoir and want to know where you stand. Your scared to say anything to her and feeling hurt at the same time.

Basically, what previously unmet needs is she filling? That would be why you would not want to break up or move away from the relationship. I really don't see it developing into something more and would suggest going introspective and working out what your looking for and how to get it in a healthier way.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

What I want to know is what does this woman want with me?

We have no way of knowing - and it sounds like she's not real clear, either. I'll quote a very wise man, Dan Linehan: "I try to accept what people have done, what they are doing, and who they choose to be, and then I ask myself whether I want more of their actions in my life... the answer is usually clear."

What she wants from you, or doesn't want from you, doesn't matter. She's either into you or she's not. From her actions, I'd guess not.

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

She's a fun, smart and good person, the "spiritual" type, so I expect her to have deeper loving motives or at least be genuine in friendship attempts. If I didn't think that, I'd say I was in a junior high relationship with someone who just wants attention. She has been married a long time and perhaps she hasn't ever dated anyone else, so maybe she loves me and is afraid to act or has teenage dating habits. In some ways, she's a strong woman, but she's very shy about some things.

Even the most spiritually advanced person falls back into childish ways from time to time... it does sound like you're in a junior high relationship! So her jr. high self might be activated around you for some reason - it doesn't sound like she's acting from a mature, responsible place. If things haven't moved forward in a year, that seems like a big clue to me - a big clue that she doesn't WANT them to!

It doesn't really matter her reasons for not moving forward, you can justify and explain things away all day and it won't change the situation. If you're wanting more, you might consider leaving yourself available for that more as reason enough to end this.

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

I've thought about this so much, I can't see it clearly. It is the most wonderful, or most bogus relationship I've ever had!

Communication by texting, having no time together, hot and cold, no sex, secrecy, refusal to arrange time alone... that doesn't sound wonderful to me at all.

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

I don't really need to know what to do about this relationship. I know it's either going to move forward dramatically soon, or I'm going to let it go again, for as long as letting it go lasts. We're in some loop, which resisting only will perpetuate.

What I want to know is what does this woman want with me? It's the most confusing relationship--and relationships normally do NOT confuse me.

I've worked with this woman for several years in the same building and we've been involved of sorts for nearly a year. We hit it off last fall, like nobody I've ever met before, and she made a pass at me, which made me totally fall for her, even though she's married (no children) and I'm not. I've had good relationships most of my life, so I'm not a novice at this. But I can't seem to "graduate" into or from this relationship.

I have no idea if her marriage is good or bad and don't focus on it. That's a jealous or envy feeling I don't care to cultivate. I have NO idea if he has a clue about us. If so, he could be part of the reason she acts so hot and cold, if he knows. She does open her emails at home and he is a computer wizard.

Because she is married and we work together in a building with no tolerance for employee dating, most of our relationship is texting or emails. When we actually see each other alone, we just stay high on each other and have a lot of heavy contact, but that's few and far between. We still have not slept together, which astounds me (considering my past warm and intimate relationships), and I can't get her to arrange that with me. We even could have arranged a work trip, but she wouldn't.

After she kissed me the first time, we texted each other several times a day about ourselves or our common interests (a shared hobby). In about a month, I wrote her and told her I loved her--and I meant it, like I've never loved anyone. Then, she kept texting me with the normal love and hugs and kisses symbols, but never told me if she loved me back in the same way. After a few weeks of no real answer, which I thought was just adolescent behavior, I just backed off and we had our first and only blow up, by email--and we both were rather at fault. That was about a six months ago and, since then, I've tried drifting away to have my own life--only to be wooed back when she starts writing to me again.

Now when we write, it's not the same as it used to be. She doesn't say how she feels in a deep way and she ignores anything I want to know, which never is much personal. But her notes are good in many ways. We mostly talk about our hobby, but she sure isn't writing to me about the hobby! I've tried just being a loving friend because I realized maybe that's all she needs, but that doesn't seem to satisfy her either.

So we're doing this dance of trying to be lovers, backing off, trying to be friends, that not making her happy either, backing off, then repeating the cycle. She's a fun, smart and good person, the "spiritual" type, so I expect her to have deeper loving motives or at least be genuine in friendship attempts. If I didn't think that, I'd say I was in a junior high relationship with someone who just wants attention. She has been married a long time and perhaps she hasn't ever dated anyone else, so maybe she loves me and is afraid to act or has teenage dating habits. In some ways, she's a strong woman, but she's very shy about some things.

So, I'm either walking out yet again on this sweet shy person who I love so much, or I'm the fool who just keeps waiting for our relationship to stabilize when she just enjoys the attention. I truly would be her friend and would be happy with that, because I'd get to move on and she'd be happy, ideally, yet she never is.

Any ideas are welcome. I've thought about this so much, I can't see it clearly. It is the most wonderful, or most bogus relationship I've ever had!

I can only speak from my own experience which isn't very vast and maybe isn't applicable... but I will give you my point of view.

I am in a serious relationship but have been attracted to the IDEA of other guys and what I might feel like in an exciting, secret relationship. I have never been very close... but the closest I've been scared the bleep out of me! In the moment I could easily have cheated, like this woman is doing. But the point I'm trying to make is that it wouldn't of been because I don't love my boyfriend but rather because my mind was telling me I wanted more and needed something exciting (like back in high school... exactly!)
So what I'm trying to say is... if this woman's anything like me. Maybe she does love her husband but wants something new and exciting. Maybe not?

What do you want out of the relationship and are you getting it??

[danas]

I don't have much to say except for here you give a clear reason why one should not get involved with someone who is marrried. Someone will always get very hurt ( in this case it's you)

whatever goes around comes around. Imagine you two were together and then some dude at her work starts flirting with her and she flirts back
how would that make you feel?
Love thy neighbor...

Don't lie to yourself that you want to just be friends... Sounds like you really desire her
you can tell her how you feel and that you also understand that she's not available and therefore would she please back off so you can get over her and move on