Advice on Listening

[Pavlo]

Hello everyone...

As you all know, if you've been reading my posts, I became tired of looking for relationships and just decided to drop expectations, and enjoy label-free relationships just like Steve Pavlina is doing, it has proved to be the best desicion I've ever made in the social spectrum.

Today I felt the liberty to call a friend (I was trying to date her some months ago, and the prospect of calling her terrified me, as I've always regarded myself as a horrible telephone conversator, though with everything at stake I just couldn't) but today it was wonderful, since there is no label, not even "friend" I was never anxious, my heart didn't race, I was at ease! But not everything was perfect! Though I am a better listener now, I am still missing something, there were moments where I felt I had to catch up with what she was telling me, eventually getting the info, but I was also eager to talk, so I kind of found myself interrupting her perhaps once or twice...

Though the conversation was long enough I know I am listening, but I know I can master that skill, but in order for me to master it, I'd like to hear some advice from you... I know there might be great listeners around here, and many of them eager to give me some insight on the scared art of listening... The only way I can fully succeed at label-free relationship is gaining the ability to "connect" with people, something I've been missing, though I am well on my way.

Thanks

[Eduard E]

Hey, I think leaning to connect better with people is a great idea! I find that a powerful emotional connection can make a lot of things happen.

The way I see it, listening is just one of multiple good ways to connect with people. I think the most important part is actually relating to what the other person says, which involves good listening. I talk about relating and being relatable in this article: How having a life can improve your people skills|People Skills Decoded

Hope it helps

[Pavlo]

Great Advice Ed;

I am actually going to do just that, in fact I am taking 2 weeks off in July to go visit Europe for the first time, I'll be in Madrid, London, Paris, and perhaps Rome or Milano, that's a great, rich, wonderful experience... And obviously it will open up a new world for meself...

I see my life (at 24) life if its just beginning, I had quite a let down for a couple of years you know, and that probably and I've always credited this letdown to the fact that I had to move from one country to another when I was about 12 years of age, when my whole social being was just inventing itself, I feel like I was cut off, and had to begin life al 12 as If I had just being born... Tough scene...

[Bliss Sage]

Practicing meditation is a good way to improve listening skills. You need to be able to be quiet and concentrate in order to listen, and meditation gets you accustomed to putting your own self and urges out of your head and being present with the person who's talking.

Also, sincerely caring about what the other person is saying will take you a long way in listening.

[pinky3]

I often find myself thinking of what I'm going to say next instead of listening to what the other person is saying. One thing I always like to think is: What difference will it make whether I have my say or not? In other words what is the function of telling the person my story?

I am bad at that though... I can't even concentrate on reading the details in posts on this forum! So sorry if I've got the story wrong!

[James81]

Have you ever been in a crowded room or a cafeteria and just listened at the noise that's generated by people talking to each other?

I'll do this sometimes, especially if I'm out alone at a restaraunt or something. I'll sit back and just grin at the noise....and that's just it, all these conversations smattered together is sort of like the clanging of a cymbal or the smashing of a glass. In baseball, they used to tell us "Let's hear some chatter!" and those of us in the field would start chanting ♥♥♥♥ at the batter..."swing batta! swing batta! batta got a big booty!" (LOL)

It's quite humorous what someone who just makes chatter to make noise can do to distract someone from what they are really trying to do. People lose their true focus very easily when you're talking to them and you don't really understand what they are trying to tell you. What comes out of people's mouths at first is typically socially constructed beliefs that they believe internall will create the reaction they are trying to get. We believe we must "say the right thing" or "do the right thing" or do what's socially expected of us.

So all the while, while someone is talking to us we're sitting there thinking of our response. We latch onto a couple of words they say and we start formulating our response while they continue talking...and our filters do the rest. We filter out the entire point and the entire thing they are saying because we latched onto a couple of words in an attempt to drive the conversation where we want it, without truly understanding that behind this person's words is something deeper.

For those of us who want to learn how to listen....instead of focusing on listening to their words and even hearing their whole conversation (instead of just latching onto those handful of words we use to formulate our response), what if we chose to seek to UNDERSTAND them?

That, to me, puts me in a completely different frame of mind than just "listening" to them. If we actively seek to understand the other person's point of view, we will automatically become effective listeners.

[rei]

Originally Posted by James81

what if we chose to seek to UNDERSTAND them?

That, to me, puts me in a completely different frame of mind than just "listening" to them. If we actively seek to understand the other person's point of view, we will automatically become effective listeners.

Great idea, James! There is such a difference between a conversation where each person is taking turns sharing what they want to say, and a conversation where each person is genuinely interested in understanding that other person. Or, that's been my experience

[Pavlo]

Great Advice James;

Another thing, I noticed the other day that when members of my family spoke to me, let's say my sister, there was no struggle to listen or understand what she was telling me, it all came as it came, clear like water, without me having to put any effort whatsoever; why is that? what's the difference?

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Originally Posted by Pavlo

Great Advice James;

Another thing, I noticed the other day that when members of my family spoke to me, let's say my sister, there was no struggle to listen or understand what she was telling me, it all came as it came, clear like water, without me having to put any effort whatsoever; why is that? what's the difference?

You're probably relaxed around her, and you don't have any expectations about the future of your relationship.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Pavlo

... I noticed the other day that when members of my family spoke to me, let's say my sister, there was no struggle to listen or understand what she was telling me, it all came as it came, clear like water, without me having to put any effort whatsoever; why is that? what's the difference?

Well, why is that? What IS the difference? What specifically is she doing, saying or being that has you choose to listen easily and effortlessly?

[Pavlo]

Indeed;
My relationship with me family members are basically free-flowing due to the fact that obviously there are no expectations on them, and I can take them for granted, ergo there is complete relaxation while talking to them, so everything comes quite natural... So that's basically what I should apply to me other relationships which are getting better thanks to my label-eliminating effort, soon any interaction is just going to get better.