Moving on from an ex

[secondevolution]

Hello everyone,

I'm a new listener to Steve Pavlina and I'm finding his podcasts to be very uplifting. It's a pleasure to be here.

Four years ago I met the most amazing girl, and spent that time having an on/off internet relationship. Like any other relationship, we had our ups and downs, but always remained close despite the long and frustrating distance. Last year we finally met each other for the first time and had the most incredible experience. We learned so much about ourselves and each other, and it was heartbreaking when it was time to part. It wasn't easy being separated after spending time together, and within a couple of months the relationship quickly declined. She told me she could no longer commit to such a relationship and that it would be better for us to move on. She also refused to have any further contact with me. At the time, I was devastated beyond words, but in the past few months I have come to understand and respect her decision.

However....

I'm finding it extremely difficult to "move on". I haven't tried speaking to her, but the feelings I have for her still run deep because she was my world. I've even had several wistful dreams about her. I've tried filling the gap in my life through other activities, but still find everything coming back to her. I'm not looking for a new relationship either, because I don't think it's something I need right now. I also believe that worthwhile relationships are the ones that find you and not vice-versa. In fact, the thought of finding someone else in the future is something that inspires me with malaise and anxiety. I can't look past my ex and what I've lost.


I'm open to any thoughts you have, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

- Clark

[James81]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

because she was my world. I've even had several wistful dreams about her. I've tried filling the gap in my life through other activities, but still find everything coming back to her. I'm not looking for a new relationship either, because I don't think it's something I need right now. I also believe that worthwhile relationships are the ones that find you and not vice-versa. In fact, the thought of finding someone else in the future is something that inspires me with malaise and anxiety. I can't look past my ex and what I've lost.

Can you see how this thought process would ultimately lead to you continously feeling empty?

When you sever a connection, the best thing you can do is make ANOTHER connection. And, no, it doesn't have to be a relationship connection.

I just ended a relationship recently myself and do you want to know what I've discovered? I've discovered that I've taken the concentrated connection that I had focused on HER and have spread that connection out over the other people in my life. Thus, things have been WAY easier. Sure, there's still grief, but I don't find myself lacking a connection so much as just missing a person that I love and care for. But I choose to cherish her memory and choose to make new connections.

[Minimabs]

How do you fill your free time? Spending a lot of time either alone or just having the internet as company can be a lonely existence.

Do you get out and socialise with other people much or have a hobby that involves other people?

One thing I have learnt over the years to get balance in my life rather than put all my eggs in one basket. A balance of work, of friendships, of romantic relationships, of hobbies, of relaxation and of personal development. In doing this if one area is not going so well I have plenty of balance in the other areas until I get that one area back on track.

What was this person giving you that you aren't giving yourself right now?

[Cloverhart]

I like what James said about cherishing their memory, when a relationship doesn't work out we often spend all our time focusing on what we've lost instead of appreciating what we had and the fact that we had it in the first place.

[joelr]

I had a breakup about 3 years ago that I still feel a lot of pain, heartbreak and shock from.
One thing I did was to keep busy with a new career I got into right after the breakup. Don't get me wrong, everyday was still absolute hell, dealing with insane burning pain every moment. But it would have been worse if I just sat around. Meds and therapy didn't do much but it was still a small help.
Eventually making new friends and dating became fun again. Obviously it brings up old pain also but it's still better than sitting around.

But even with all that progress I still landed in a substance abuse pattern the 2nd year trying to escape from negative emotions.
The positive side is rather than being content and staying the same you can use some of the energy to work on lots of self development.

[secondevolution]

@James81 - I'm not sure how that's supposed to work. We have a unique connection with every person in our lives, which isn't something that can be transmitted to everyone else. I don't think so, at least.

@Minimabs - No, I pretty much keep myself to myself. I'm kind and courteous towards people, but I don't particularly enjoy socialising and try to avoid it where I can. I'm not overly confident in myself and often feel in competition with other people, which is something I'm working on. Also, all of my extracurricular activities are participated on my own. I feel at peace by myself because that's the only person I have to prove myself to.

You'll possibly say the old 'if you don't get out there you won't meet someone' routine, but this isn't really about finding another girlfriend. I don't think that's what I even want right now.

What I miss about my ex? I wouldn't want to objectify her like that, but when I was with her it was the first time in ages I felt happy and excited. I adored her company and felt a sense of belonging.

@Cloverhart - Perhaps you're right, and I should somehow accept that what I had was a rare blessing and it will never happen again.

@joelr - From the tone of your post, you make it sound futile. I'm beginning to believe it is.

[joelr]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

@joelr - From the tone of your post, you make it sound futile. I'm beginning to believe it is.

What do you mean by futile? I ask because I mentioned both positive and negative aspects of my experience. Even though I had to deal with emotional pain on a long term basis I still experienced a lot of positive change along with the bad.
You will have a different experience, it could be similar to mine or quite different.
But a lot of people give the standard answers like - stay busy, it will get better in time, etc...those are good answers but I'm answering from my recent perspective which was a long hard journey that's still not over (I just had a ex-girlfriend dream last night).

It is true about time healing that type of pain though. I still have a few different strong emotions from that time but thankfully they are not as powerful as they were the first year or so.

I think if you truly love someone and they pull a sudden abandonment thing in a relationship that was otherwise going really well it's going to take a long time to heal. It's not futile as in "resistance is futile!...". The Borg are not coming after you. There are things you can do to help.
My first step was to try and get the depression under control so I could function. For that I caved in and finally decided to try meds and therapy.

I didn't want to at first but another ex of mine who I was still friends with pushed me to do that. I would call her everyday and be like "ahhh, depression...owww..." She was like "get help NOW!"

Another thing is that in the long term at least it's been proven that we look back on those things as helpful to our growth. I mean I learned a lot of things about myself that needed change when it comes to having relationships. But at what price? I'm still not sure I'm successfully getting through this.
But Harvard U. did a study on that and proved that 10, 20, 30 years down the line everyone eventually is happy with whatever happened. It's not because everything perfectly works out for the best. It's a feature of the brain that forces us to fell like everything was perfect.

That won't help you right now of course.
I found it helpful to hear about others experiences with grief and loss. There are forums dedicated to that.

[Cloverhart]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

@Cloverhart - Perhaps you're right, and I should somehow accept that what I had was a rare blessing and it will never happen again.

I would implore you not to be so negative, I know it can be hard. I know you're suffering, but life has surprises in store for us. Those connections in the past that I thought were the best keep being one upped by new ones.

[BitterFlower]

My first boyfriend in college was everything to me. He was my first love and all that jazz. When we broke up, I was devastated. I didn't date for eight months, thinking giving myself time would heal. I was still hurt, and no other guy seemed to compare.

When I started dating again, it seems like I ran into rotten guys (married, had girlfriends, disappeared, drug dealers, thieves, etc.) and every relationship confirmed that there was no other guy like my first love.

When I saw my first love again after about 6 years, he was a jerk. He ridiculed me about why I even wanted to see him. At that point I couldn't even remember why our relationship was so great in the first place. He made it easy to move on, and I felt I wasted many years pining over him.

I'm married to someone else and we have a child. It's been hard (because we are the least compatible in certain ways), but we now have a strong connection.

I don't believe in "The One". There are 6 billion people on this planet and I'm sure I can find one or two I can get along with. Now, there are some people that we can have an amazing connection with, but that's not the end-all be-all. And sometimes we have to cherish the connections as they were and move on.

I agree with James. You don't necessarily have to move on to another love relationship (I wouldn't recommend it), but make the connection with others out there. You can probably find some good friends that can help you with this time. During this time, slowly cut the connections with the old person. And eventually, you can find someone with whom you can also have a deep connection. That's only if you let it happen.

[secondevolution]

@joelr - You did attempt to balance your post, but I still picked up this underlying anxiety, whether it was intentional or not. The way you described the experience as torture, the descent into drug abuse, and above all else how you're still not over it. I'm not casting any judgement here or anything, just explaining how I interpreted your post. I do appreciate anyone who takes the genuine time to reply.

What I'm trying to do is maintain a positive outlook, focus on other areas on my life, but it can be bothersome when friends and family give their two cents (especially family) and occasionally I think that I'm wasting my 'best years', in a manner of speaking. Most of all, what really hurts, whether it be for better or worse in the long term, is the connection that I lost with my ex. She was my best friend and I had felt a sense of belonging when we were together. Sometimes it's really poignant to accept that's finito.

[AtomicAnt]

Clark,

Geographical distances can be overcome and relationships take on new aspects. You said: "I'm finding it extremely difficult to "move on". I haven't tried speaking to her ..."

You are going through all of this and you haven't tried speaking to her??? Call her up. What's to lose? What's to lose is all of your misery. I can't think of anything worse than to not have tried and told someone how I feel. This love has continued and it might be just what she wants to hear. How do you know? If you haven't tried speaking lately, you really don't know what's going on. That also might help you have closure if she doesn't feel the same - and you'll have comfort that you expressed your true self.

[secondevolution]

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

Clark,

Geographical distances can be overcome and relationships take on new aspects. You said: "I'm finding it extremely difficult to "move on". I haven't tried speaking to her ..."

You are going through all of this and you haven't tried speaking to her??? Call her up. What's to lose? What's to lose is all of your misery. I can't think of anything worse than to not have tried and told someone how I feel. This love has continued and it might be just what she wants to hear. How do you know? If you haven't tried speaking lately, you really don't know what's going on. That also might help you have closure if she doesn't feel the same - and you'll have comfort that you expressed your true self.

When she broke up with me, I tried to e-mail her to discuss the situation and find some kind of closure, but she wouldn't reply. It looked like she wanted to cut the relationship loose and never look back. I was upset and frustrated, but deep down I didn't think it wouldn't change anything if she was just willing to walk away like that.

There has been a temptation to contact her again, but there's fear, doubt and good old-fashioned male pride. I don't know if I want to speak to her anyway, if she's moved on and no longer has any feelings for me. Do I really need more rejection? I don't need her to explain herself, because if she thought we had any future, she wouldn't have finished it like she did. It's also been over four months since we last spoke, she could have a new boyfriend by now, and that would be heartbreaking. It'll happen sooner or later - but I don't have to know about it!

[AtomicAnt]

But, it goes back to what I said, YOU DON'T KNOW. Just because someone walks out on a disagreement is not a permanent fixture in life. It's part of the flow of life.

You definitely need to be in a better feeling place than fear and weakness when call her. You'd be calling for love and love is a powerful alley. Picture it in advance all turning out beautifully. But, to deal with that irrational fear in advance, be prepared that she might be dating someone else. If so, just see how she is, send her love and wish her well. If you love her as a person, let her go with love, too. Now, that's a strong a beautiful way to approach her. It will be fine. Plus, you'll KNOW.

Right now, you're assuming the worst and living your life based on that unknown. Take back your life and see if it's time to close this door - or go through it!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

I can't look past my ex and what I've lost.

You haven't lost anything. What did you have before, that you don't have now?

[joelr]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

@joelr - You did attempt to balance your post, but I still picked up this underlying anxiety, whether it was intentional or not. The way you described the experience as torture, the descent into drug abuse, and above all else how you're still not over it. I'm not casting any judgement here or anything, just explaining how I interpreted your post. I do appreciate anyone who takes the genuine time to reply.

Yes that is true, it was torture and there still is pain and all that. One thing I did that you might not do is get stuck replaying negative thoughts of loss. Dwelling on the hurt. If that's all you have left your mind sometimes seems to not care if it makes it worse and it gets addicted to negative patterns. It becomes a big mess.
But the part that's not futile is that even though I had or have daily pain I can only shrug my shoulders and accept that's what's going on right now. But like I said breakups also can be motivating and periods of growth. So that's good.
Someday probably all the pain will be gone. For now I can still enjoy some progress I've made in other areas that wouldn't have happened without going through such a loss.

There isn't anyone who can replace your loss. But there are other people you can find who create a new kind of connection eventually. I have had a few girlfriends since then who were great. I still had to grieve but I'm saying you can still do things in life and gain enjoyment. It's also a good time to get into personal development.
When I was married I became real complacent. I needed some spiritual and life changes.

[joelr]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

You haven't lost anything. What did you have before, that you don't have now?

I think you end up becoming Neo "The One" version 6.0 from the Matrix.

Versions 1-5 experienced love through all of humanity and himself. Version 6 evolved and experienced it specifically through Trinity. It was a step forward for the Matrix but in real life you pull away the Trinity and you've unplugged the source. Re-programming does not happen right away. The problem gets fixed but for a time you are different than before.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by joelr

I think you end up becoming Neo "The One" version 6.0 from the Matrix.

Versions 1-5 experienced love through all of humanity and himself. Version 6 evolved and experienced it specifically through Trinity. It was a step forward for the Matrix but in real life you pull away the Trinity and you've unplugged the source. Re-programming does not happen right away. The problem gets fixed but for a time you are different than before.

Whew. I think the sky just turned upside down, when I read that. The sky is supposed to be purple, right?

[joelr]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Whew. I think the sky just turned upside down, when I read that. The sky is supposed to be purple, right?

Ha!

[secondevolution]

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

But, it goes back to what I said, YOU DON'T KNOW. Just because someone walks out on a disagreement is not a permanent fixture in life. It's part of the flow of life.

You definitely need to be in a better feeling place than fear and weakness when call her. You'd be calling for love and love is a powerful alley. Picture it in advance all turning out beautifully. But, to deal with that irrational fear in advance, be prepared that she might be dating someone else. If so, just see how she is, send her love and wish her well. If you love her as a person, let her go with love, too. Now, that's a strong a beautiful way to approach her. It will be fine. Plus, you'll KNOW.

I'll consider the idea but (like you said) I'll have to develop the right frame of mind if I'm going to contact her. Even if it is just to tell her that I love her and I wish her well, something I never really had the chance to do. I might find some peace in that, but the concept of her having a new boyfriend is worlds apart from the reality of it. I don't want it to destroy what little faith I have left.

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

You haven't lost anything. What did you have before, that you don't have now?

Love, hope, intimacy, to name but a few.

Originally Posted by joelr

Yes that is true, it was torture and there still is pain and all that. One thing I did that you might not do is get stuck replaying negative thoughts of loss. Dwelling on the hurt. If that's all you have left your mind sometimes seems to not care if it makes it worse and it gets addicted to negative patterns. It becomes a big mess.
But the part that's not futile is that even though I had or have daily pain I can only shrug my shoulders and accept that's what's going on right now. But like I said breakups also can be motivating and periods of growth. So that's good.
Someday probably all the pain will be gone. For now I can still enjoy some progress I've made in other areas that wouldn't have happened without going through such a loss.

There isn't anyone who can replace your loss. But there are other people you can find who create a new kind of connection eventually. I have had a few girlfriends since then who were great. I still had to grieve but I'm saying you can still do things in life and gain enjoyment. It's also a good time to get into personal development.
When I was married I became real complacent. I needed some spiritual and life changes.

It's fascinating, in some ways, that the breaking up experience is unique for each and every one of us. We all share the similar emotions but how we cope with the loss in both the short and long term changes from person to person. And I agree that since the break-up, I've employed a lot more personal development and enjoy only having myself to answer to, and try to feel less in competition with other people.

There's the old adage that 'time is a healer' but I actually believe that what you do with that time is the deciding factor. Sure, the initial shock will ease with time, but if you stand still the heartache will continue to haunt you and prevent you from moving forward. It's not easy to move on from someone you love, but failure to channel that energy into the right place will only see it drag you deeper and deeper.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

I'm finding it extremely difficult to "move on". I haven't tried speaking to her, but the feelings I have for her still run deep because she was my world. - Clark

Hey Clark,

I think the above sentence explains why you're having such a difficult time. You made this woman 'your world' and then it didn't work out. It sounds like she took the relationship day by day to see how it would go, but you pinned all your hopes and dreams into it and now you're devastated.

You projected far too much into it, rather than taking it as it comes. This happens to a lot of people who:

No, I pretty much keep myself to myself. I'm kind and courteous towards people, but I don't particularly enjoy socialising and try to avoid it where I can. I'm not overly confident in myself and often feel in competition with other people, which is something I'm working on. Also, all of my extracurricular activities are participated on my own. I feel at peace by myself because that's the only person I have to prove myself to.

When you are a loner you lack social perspective and your whole world revolves around that 'one' relationship. You end up making it more important to your 'being' than it realistically should be. This is why it's vital to develop a few good friendships and connections with people, besides a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need balance in your life, especially social, otherwise you invest too much of yourself in one relationship which may, or may not, work out.

[Plays With Life]

Hi, mate.

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

You haven't lost anything. What did you have before, that you don't have now?

Originally Posted by secondevolution

Love, hope, intimacy, to name but a few.

Yeah, I see what you mean. There's a perspective I use on relationships. I don't know how useful it will be to you right now, but here's where I was going with this -

At any given point in time in a relationship, what is it that I *have*? I have the memories of all the past experiences we had together. I have those; I can access them any time. There's the *potential* for new experiences - I *don't* have those. Those are potential experiences that do not exist. I never had them; they're simply non-existent.

After a relationship ends, what is it that I have now? I have the memories of all the past experiences we had together. None of that has changed, or ever can change. (Failing a major blow to the head ). And I don't have any future experiences - which I never actually had in the first place; they never existed. So after a relationship ends, I have everything that I had before it ended (the memories); and I still don't have some things that I didn't have to begin with (future experiences that haven't happened yet). I haven't lost anything. Everything that I actually had in relation to the relationship, I still have.

*dances around happily*

And your memories of the relationship will never change. You *always* have everything that you really had in the relationship. It's with you forever.

[Goldhart23]

What a coincidence, I just wrote an article about this recently and posted it to my blog earlier today. You might get some good tips from it (see link in my signature below). I agree with others that 2 of the things that helped me the most was spending time with other people (good friends) and keeping busy doing things I love were what got me through the rough times after my major breakup recently. Sometimes we get very dependent on our partner and lose part of our identity in the process. Getting back to what you love and to your other connections can help you get back yourself again and help mend your heart. And time helps heal it as well. Best wishes to you!

*Barb*

[secondevolution]

I'm certain now that I WON'T be contacting my ex. I feel anxious about it for a reason and I believe it would be best to trust those instincts and keep my distance. She knows how I feel about her, after all it was her decision to end the relationship. I seriously don't think it would change anything and could complicate matters again. Perhaps in time, when I'm in a better place, I could give her a bell, but at this current moment it doesn't feel right.

Originally Posted by ZHereford

When you are a loner you lack social perspective and your whole world revolves around that 'one' relationship. You end up making it more important to your 'being' than it realistically should be. This is why it's vital to develop a few good friendships and connections with people, besides a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need balance in your life, especially social, otherwise you invest too much of yourself in one relationship which may, or may not, work out.

Sounds like you're bang on the money. I don't know what I'm going to do about that, because I don't have any driving impetus to get out and socialize. It's not something that comes naturally to me.

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

And your memories of the relationship will never change. You *always* have everything that you really had in the relationship. It's with you forever.

That's a very refreshing way of looking at it, and there's also the potential to become lost in the past if you continue to look back instead of looking forward. I'm also sure that's more fitting for couples who have been together for a long time, whereas our physical time was only short. I'm thankful for everything we shared but it feels like I woke up from a beautiful dream, and what hurts more than anything is I can't imagine it ever happening again. I mostly experience that when it's late at night and I begin to feel wistful and lonely.

Originally Posted by Goldhart23

What a coincidence, I just wrote an article about this recently and posted it to my blog earlier today. You might get some good tips from it (see link in my signature below). I agree with others that 2 of the things that helped me the most was spending time with other people (good friends) and keeping busy doing things I love were what got me through the rough times after my major breakup recently. Sometimes we get very dependent on our partner and lose part of our identity in the process. Getting back to what you love and to your other connections can help you get back yourself again and help mend your heart. And time helps heal it as well. Best wishes to you!

*Barb*

Hey, thanks for your feedback. I read your article and have started focusing on your first point. My ex is someone that I love unconditionally and if I've always wanted her to be happy then it should be regardless of whether she's with me. I really hope this is something I can use this in the long term to help find peace with the situation and move forward.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

Sounds like you're bang on the money. I don't know what I'm going to do about that, because I don't have any driving impetus to get out and socialize. It's not something that comes naturally to me.

I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons your girlfriend decided to end things was because she probably sensed your intensity and growing dependency on the relationship. For anyone looking for a relaxed, fun, easy flowing relationship this would be too much to deal with.

The way you can 'move on' is to learn from this. Learn that few people want to be with someone who makes them their whole world because it becomes a burden and is psychologically unhealthy.

Also, start socializing with others very slowly. Of course, it will feel unnatural at first - every new behavior does. I'm sure you know too that it would be a good idea to learn to be more confident and comfortable around others. This, like everything, comes with practice. If you choose not to stretch your comfort zone, then be prepared to not have too many relationships. You will also end up hanging on to 'what wasn't' with this one for way longer than it warrants.

[secondevolution]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons your girlfriend decided to end things was because she probably sensed your intensity and growing dependency on the relationship. For anyone looking for a relaxed, fun, easy flowing relationship this would be too much to deal with.

The way you can 'move on' is to learn from this. Learn that few people want to be with someone who makes them their whole world because it becomes a burden and is psychologically unhealthy.

Also, start socializing with others very slowly. Of course, it will feel unnatural at first - every new behavior does. I'm sure you know too that it would be a good idea to learn to be more confident and comfortable around others. This, like everything, comes with practice. If you choose not to stretch your comfort zone, then be prepared to not have too many relationships. You will also end up hanging on to 'what wasn't' with this one for way longer than it warrants.

We'd actually been on a little break before we broke up. About two months after she went home, the communication deteriorated and we decided to have some time apart. When we spoke again, I asked her about our situation and she told me she'd "changed" and couldn't maintain this relationship. She said that she realized where she was headed in life and it didn't include me. It sounds like it was just the opportunity she needed to move on. I believe the distance was crucial here, because once we'd experienced being a real couple together it created a point of no return.

[sundance]

Hi Clark,

I feel your pain. I just had a break-up as well. My heart is broken. I found this method on the web, and I believe it will work.

Take care,

sundance

----------------------------

Broken Heart - Heal Your Broken Heart- Get Over a Break Up

Here's a very simple technique that takes 3 minutes that you can practice anytime you start to feel overwhelmed by your fearful, angry feelings and negative thoughts.

Use this technique when your negative thoughts and feelings are keeping you from functioning in your daily life and you want to shift them to more empowering ones. Negative thoughts and feelings can become a habit but they can also be changed.

SIT--Sit in a quiet place. (The bathroom will do).

SETTLE--Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, bringing your breath into your feet so that you feel grounded and connected to the earth. Feel yourself slowing down and your breathing deepen. (Maybe 30 seconds)

AWARENESS--Come into awareness of your negative thoughts in this moment. (What exactly are you thinking? Example: "I�m thinking that I'm a real loser when it comes to relationships.")

ASK�Ask yourself if you know your negative thoughts to be true�absolutely true. Can you find evidence to the contrary? Chances are you can find somewhere in your life where your thoughts cannot be substantiated.

ALLOW�Bring your attention to your heart or gut area and feel the sensations in your body. (What are you feeling in your body? Is there tightness, a big knot, emptiness, heaviness?) Allow your sensations to be there without judging them and breathe into that area of the body. (If you feel heavy in your heart area, breathe into that heaviness until the sensation softens. If you felt a knot in your gut area, breathe into that knot until it starts to loosen.)

REPLACE�Replace the limiting, self-defeating �movie� running in your head to one that is more in alignment with what you want in your life�because the reality is that both outcomes are possible. Run this new movie whenever you feel your negative thoughts coming up in the future. (If you know that your negative thoughts aren�t true but you see yourself alone forever and in pain, replace that "movie" with one that could happen that you'd like much better. See yourself taking your next step in an empowered way instead of the damaging cycle you find yourself in.)

Practice this as many times a day that you need. Keep a copy of it with your phone in case you are tempted to call your ex. Put a copy in your car to remind you to stop yourself before you drive by his or her new living situation.

[secondevolution]

Something I cannot shake is the feeling that what I had was a one-off, never to be seen again. I know that I should concentrate on my spiritual development and my career (whatever THAT is), and hope the lovelife falls into place, but I really can't look past this malaise right now.

[180]

Thanks for your message ,^^

Yeah umm... While I can see why you think she is the one... but I really don't believe in that concept anymore. Having thought that way too, it only leads to more "unrealistic" behavior.

I also think it's destructive to think that way too. The reason being is because the concept of "the one" is very very very recent in human history. Many people actually don't believe in that concept.

In history marriage was more of a business affair than anything. China, India, Africa, etc...

Throughout history of many cultures people married whoever could support children. Men tried to choose the most fertile women (beautiful) and women choose whoever could meet their needs (Through food shelter care, etc). It was a very logical decisions. I trade my vagina for your food. The phrase goes "Prostitution is the world's oldest profession" (as much as that bothers some people it's fact) Feelings were almost never taken into account as they are now. These days because our basic needs are met, women look for different things. I could get deep into this. "What women want". It's changed from food to other things. Companionship, "love", feelings, friendship, prestige, good looks, etc...

Anyways,

This still happens in Aboriginal tribes in Australia. I remember reading an article about female jealousy in aboriginal tribes and women fought over men because of losing the man's resources... food etc. They aren't really concerned about the man himself. There is no "love". Just that he can give her the necessary things essential for living and for their children.

I hate to break it to most guys, But dating is how women rape men. Not in the sexual sense but in the sense of resources. It's REVERSE RAPE. A woman, gives a man this sense that they will allow the man into her baby making cavity (the vagina). So men unconsciously try to woo the woman with whatever he has to offer. Different women "need" different things. It's a seriously common theme in dating for guys to hear "You're just not what I need anymore". And the guy is confused scratching his head. Trying to figure out what that means.... Because we have no idea that dating is reverse rape, we feel confused. A woman basically USED us for resources. If she was lonely. Or if she just needed a man. Or if for some reason you were a status symbol to her. Dating YOU would increase her status with her friends. Or it could have been a roller coaster ride of feelings for her. She was EXCITED by you. When the excitement fades, she goes to another man.

Throughout history we have things like Harems, concubines, rape, etc...
Our human history is littered with basically everything antithetical to "true love".

I was actually thinking about this very concept on my way jogging today. I saw this beautiful amazing view of the mountain, and I thought "Jesus Christ, I can't believe I used to think of the Disney fairy tales".

When we were kids, we saw movies, talked to people, and was filled with these ideas of only 1 person for us. The fact is, the more you date the more you find is that there are multiple girls/men that could be the "one". And all at the same time.... hopefully in my future... (I plan to go Thailand and marry like 30 girls and have 1000 babies)

Humanity isn't naturally monogamous. The "love" hormone lasts only 4 years, after that it fades. It sounds depressing, but there are ways to increase oxytocin. If you look at divorce rates too, you'll find that most of marriages end after 4 years. It's not coincidence.

It's the cuddle hormone and is released as a sense of "love".

Ok Long post, I'm gonna stop my tirades about Evo Psych lol

[Martin S]

Originally Posted by secondevolution

I'm finding it extremely difficult to "move on". I haven't tried speaking to her, but the feelings I have for her still run deep because she was my world. I've even had several wistful dreams about her. I've tried filling the gap in my life through other activities, but still find everything coming back to her. I'm not looking for a new relationship either, because I don't think it's something I need right now. I also believe that worthwhile relationships are the ones that find you and not vice-versa. In fact, the thought of finding someone else in the future is something that inspires me with malaise and anxiety. I can't look past my ex and what I've lost.

You sound like a person who has just lost his job. :P

A relationship is just like a business deal. Do you cry if you lose a customer? Perhaps if that was your only customer.. but then you go out and find another one. It's all a matter of convenience. The relationships that tend to last the longest are the ones that involve a great deal of convenience as opposed to pure love - for instance if two people are able to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and to work towards a common goal together.

In fact, most relationships are based on convenience.. that's just the way it is.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by 180

I hate to break it to most guys, But dating is how women rape men. Not in the sexual sense but in the sense of resources. It's REVERSE RAPE. A woman, gives a man this sense that they will allow the man into her baby making cavity (the vagina). So men unconsciously try to woo the woman with whatever he has to offer. Different women "need" different things. It's a seriously common theme in dating for guys to hear "You're just not what I need anymore". And the guy is confused scratching his head. Trying to figure out what that means.... Because we have no idea that dating is reverse rape, we feel confused. A woman basically USED us for resources. If she was lonely. Or if she just needed a man. Or if for some reason you were a status symbol to her. Dating YOU would increase her status with her friends. Or it could have been a roller coaster ride of feelings for her. She was EXCITED by you. When the excitement fades, she goes to another man.

In other words, you're saying - "Women date you because dating you gets them something they want." Uhh - yeah? Why else would anyone date a person?

I wouldn't call sexing a man who wants to be sexed RAPE.