Unhappy with my girlfriend when it comes to sex

[Jake100]

Hi, I was looking for a place to post about this and hopefully get some good responses and after looking around this seems like a good place with some smart and mature people.

Ok, so basically, just like the title says, I'm pretty dissatisfied with my sex life.

I'll start off with a small bit of backstory. Me and my girlfriend are 18 and 19. We've been together since we both started high school and we both just finished first year university. We both lost our virginity to each other at a pretty young age (I guess I had just turned 14 and she was 14 too). Also, I love her more than anything and couldn't be happier with our relationship other than this. She's become a part of the family. I know she loves me. I could go on and on because I really am happy with her but you get the idea.

So my problem is basically that she's not very sexual at all. I know she finds me attractive but it's sort of strange because I'll talk to her and she never really finds other guys hot or anything. I can tell she's telling the truth too. She masturbates once in a blue moon, which I'm not trying to suggest is crazy weird, I'm just saying.

So we probably have sex about once a week. Sometimes twice. Or sometimes maybe once every two weeks. Which doesn't seem like a lot to me considering we're 18 and 19. When we do it's basically the missionary position over and over again. I do all the work while she just lies there. When I try to do other positions she claims they hurt (not trying to say that's her fault necessarily.If it hurts, it hurts. But it's disappointing).

Another issue I have is that (when we're not having intercourse) I make sure to touch her often but I generally always have to ask to receive any attention myself.

We always try to talk out our problems and so we've been over this many times. The problem is that I hate talking to her about this because she always gets cries and I feel terrible making her cry. She admits it's a problem and says she wishes she were more normal. This also makes me feel awful because I don't want to give her the impression that she's not normal or anything. But she recognizes that it isn't just me being a typical guy wanting more sex.

Usually her way of dealing with the issue will be to get me some sort of gift. For example, for my last birthday she got me candy-lube for blowjobs and a book full of different positions. Of course, she's given me oral maybe twice since then (6 months) and the book hasn't been used because it hurts her. So it's good intentions but nothing really gets solved.

It's not as if we used to have sex more often. But I guess it's that I look around at other college/university students my age and their sex life is...uh...different. Much different. And obviously I'm way luckier to have such a great relationship but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of others for being able to have more exciting sex lives.

I say this especially because I've obviously never been with anyone else sexually having been with her since I was 13. And (as dumb as this sounds without knowing us) it's almost certain that we'll be that crazy couple that ends up getting married after falling in love in high school. I really do love her. But I'm afraid that we'll get married one day (obviously still a few years down the road), that the sex will be even LESS often and that I'll feel as if I really missed out on ever having good sex in my life. And I don't want that to turn into resentment.

So I'm not sure what to think. I'm sorta trying to keep this as short as I can so I'm leaving out details, I'm sure. But I feel terrible. At the same time I just can't help it, I'm extremely disappointed with my sex life.

Oh and incase you're wondering, I do ALWAYS make sure she's satisfied if she doesn't orgasm during sex although she usually does.

Thanks in advance.

[naina]

this is so typical of guys expecting girls to be horny all the time , some of us are not that sexual ,i love more the cuddling, hugging ,looking into each other eyes part of a relationship and being more and more loving and compassionate to my partner. Maybe this is why my ex left me, he wanted to make a whore out of me by trying all weird sex. The more i involve myself emotionally in a relationship ( there has been only one for a brief while but it was very satifying), the less i am attracted to the sexual part

[Jake100]

Originally Posted by naina

this is so typical of guys expecting girls to be horny all the time , some of us are not that sexual ,i love more the cuddling, hugging ,looking into each other eyes part of a relationship and being more and more loving and compassionate to my partner. Maybe this is why my ex left me, he wanted to make a whore out of me by trying all weird sex. The more i involve myself emotionally in a relationship ( there has been only one for a brief while but it was very satifying), the less i am attracted to the sexual part

Wow...what? Maybe you just started unfairly assuming I'm like your ex?

Of course I don't expect girls to be horny all the time. Hell, I'm not horny all the time! I never said that. What I'm saying is that I'm dissatisfied with missionary sex 1-2 times a week (at most). I don't think that means I'm trying to make a whore out of her...

Cuddling, hugging, and compassion are definitely not problems in our relationship but anyways...

[Liz Caitlin]

Welcome to the forums! You seem very mature and intelligent yourself. I hope I can be of some assistance to you..

The first thing I want to get out of the way is the stories you hear from other people your age about all the sex they're having - MANY of those stories are exaggerated. Not all of them, of course, but many. People in college like to talk about how much sex they have because it's cool. Of even greater importance, however, is realizing that it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing - it's all about what *you* want, and you are clearly dissatisfied with this part of your life.

Another thing I want to point is that women's libidos vary a LOT more than men's do. Most guys are pretty into sex - lol - but with women there is a huge range, going all the way from nearly no interest in sex to a super-high libido. So my first question would be, have you guys always had sex this infrequently? If not, when did the drop-off occur? It's possible that your girlfriend has a low libido or, as the relationship progressed and her initial infatuation wore off, she became less interested in sex with you. It's also possible it's these two factors combined what's causing her lack of interest in sex. If she is indeed not attracted to other guys as you said she claimed, this would lead me to believe she does indeed have a low libido as opposed to another possibility, which would be that she's simply lost any attraction for you but still feeds desire for other people or general desire.

You never stated why you don't have sex more often, only that it's hard to talk about it when you do because she cries, so another question I have is - what reason does she give for not having sex more often? Is it simply lack of desire or something else?

I greatly sympathize with the position you're in because our society tends to demonize men who express their need for sex even if it's in the context of a loving, monogamous relationship. If a woman didn't feel her emotional needs were being met and left a man because of this, no one would bat an eye. But if a man leaves a woman because he needed more/better sex? WHAT A BASTARD! And yes, this is a generalization but it's often true.

Here are some general suggestions but if you could answer the questions I asked above, I think I could give you more useful advice. Also feel free to PM me.

- When girls cry, it's usually because we're overwhelmed with emotion - and not just sadness. It can also be anger, frustration, even joy. So as hard as it is, please don't feel bad if she cries, and don't allow feelings of guilt to stop your attempts to communicate with her. (I'm not saying ignore her crying or be mean about it, but that shouldn't halt conversation completely.)

- Make it clear to her that you need at the very least to have sex more often. Find out why she doesn't want sex - you said she usually has orgasms, so is it just an issue of not wanting to have sex until she's actually having it? That can be a common problem for women. Or find out how to make the idea better for her - both the actual experience (lube, more foreplay, etc.) and perhaps something you can do for her in return (massage? maybe a bi-weekly or monthly "really romantic" date at a nice restaurant? etc.) But do make your needs clear. Also, you said she "claims" to feel pain in other positions, and I got the sense you don't believe her. That's completely understandable, to be honest. Girl on top if she's facing you, for example, is actually pretty similar to missionary in terms of entry, but the girl's in control. Again, I would try using plenty of lube, and if that doesn't work...well, I don't know what to tell you. Ask her to see a gynecologist to see if there are any problems, but if she's not even willing to address the pain, I find that a little suspicious.

- It's possible you guys just aren't compatible sexually. I've heard of this in many cases - and it's not always the girl who wants sex less often. Since you love her so much I know you want to make it work, but if she's not willing to even acknowledge or work on this area of your relationship, it may come down to a choice between staying with her or finding a new partner who is more compatible in that area. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that.

Good luck!

[Liz Caitlin]

Originally Posted by naina

this is so typical of guys expecting girls to be horny all the time , some of us are not that sexual ,i love more the cuddling, hugging ,looking into each other eyes part of a relationship and being more and more loving and compassionate to my partner. Maybe this is why my ex left me, he wanted to make a whore out of me by trying all weird sex. The more i involve myself emotionally in a relationship ( there has been only one for a brief while but it was very satifying), the less i am attracted to the sexual part

Women who have "weird sex" aren't whores any more than women who are like you are prudes. Lose the judgment, please.

Of course, your post is quite helpful because I specifically addressed society's attitude toward men who want sex frequently in my above post, and you are expressing that attitude perfectly. I assume that since you desire cuddling and hugging, you expect to do that a lot in your relationship, right? So I want you to ask yourself why it's wrong for men to also want to do something they desire.

[Nemosyne]

If sex hurts her, she needs to see a doctor. Someone at Planned Parenthood might be able to explain why.

She might also be feeling performance pressure.

[Liz Caitlin]

Originally Posted by naina

why cant u accept her as she is , if u want sex so much go find a slut

Why do you feel so much anger toward men who want sex and women who like it? Why are women who are willing to try out new positions with their partners "sluts"? What has happened to you that caused you to have such a negative view of sex in general?

Men express themselves emotionally during sex in ways they can't in everyday life because they aren't socially allowed to. Most men who are in loving relationships say that sex is a way to express love for their partner, not a way to degrade her and, as you put it, "turn her into a whore."

I honestly feel so sorry for you. I hope you can figure out where all this anger is coming from. It will help you immensely. And like I said, there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex often - I just don't understand the judgment you place on those of us who do.

EDIT: I just saw your other post on your boyfriend randomly cutting off all contact with you. That sucks, but remember, Jake is not your boyfriend. All men are not the same, I swear.

[SarahLuvzYu]

Well if I was having sex I really can't imagine only doing missionary; how boring! Girls are just as sexual as guys they just don't know it yet!

I think girls need to learn to be more sexual with themselves before they can be open sexually to their partners. Maybe talk about masturbation with her, buy her a vibrator to try out. I think the "it hurts" is just an excuse, well probably. If it actually does hurt her to do other positions, you might be doing something wrong or she should get herself checked out down there. Do you guys do foreplay before sex or is it just sex, cuz that might be a problem you need to get her warmed up first.

But then again she actually might not be that sexual, and might not ever be. =\

[FazK]

I would break up with her. There is no way that the two of you can go through your entire lives only having had sex with each other.

It's unfair for the both of you, this relationship has run it's course.

I can guarantee that she will eventually find someone who will open her up sexually and that you will find some one more sexually compatible.

Good luck.

[MattMacola]

It's clear that this girl doesn't have a huge sex drive (unlike like all guys - lets be honest). But I'm going to stick with the fact that she doesn't want sex and really doesn't seem to enjoy it that much (afterall, if something feels amazing, why limit to once a week?).

Her sex drive you can't do anything with really... but it's your job as a man to please her sexually. That's totally something that you can do. Are you making love to her or just masturbating inside her? Do you do plenty of foreplay? Give as much as you can sexually... make her scream like a wild cat. You need to be the one to please her, tease her, get her to try something a little new, just have fun, play games and open up to you... if you don't someone else will.

If you can't please each other or really open up to each other then you might want to end your relationship. It seems your planning to be with this girl forever... would you be happy to live with bad/no sex forever (as she gets older it will probably get worse if you can't get her to open up sexually) just to be with this girl? Or would you prefer a great relationship that also has great sex too? I figure that even if you choose to stay with her once a hot horny girl comes along who is really into you that you'll find her hard to resist.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

First of all, how big are you? Not because I'm curious but because she complains of pain in different positions. Second, how limber is she? Maybe that pain is coming from too much tension. Do yoga together, loosen up. Third, did she suffer any sexual trauma whether recently or as a child? MANY boys and girls are sexually abused at a young age and the experience can leave both physical, emotional and spiritual scarring. One of the effects of this trauma can be lowered to almost nonexistant libido. Ask her about it when she's comfortable and emotionally open (not necessarily in a happy mood, she may react negatively not wanting to bring up past hurt if there is any). Also, many abuse victims simply do not remember their trauma. I was sexually abused as a child but have only hazy fragments of the actual trauma (which I am thankful for). It had given me problems with girlfriends in the past.

Now, there may not be a problem at all and your girlfriend might just have a low libido. Some people just aren't that sexual. Contrary to what another poster has said here, sex is an important part of a relationship, or rather a fulfilling sex life for both partners is what's important. If one of you isn't happy in bed, there will be serious problems down the road. If you really love this girl, work with her and find ways to fulfill each other. If she just isn't that aroused but you're burning up inside yet you don't want to lose her, I suggest taking up meditation and channeling most of that sexual energy inward. If you find that this problem is beginning to effect everything in the relationship and you're wanting out, then by all means emancipate yourself. There are other people in the world. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[elucidate]

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I had no idea that there were still females out there who thought this way. It's 2010...get with the programme.

The OP wasn't talking about you...he was talking about his girlfriend, who he loves. He doesn't think of her as a whore...why do you think that? You seem to have some pretty messed up views which you may want to take a look at.

You're from India right. I get that things are different there, and girls have been culturally instilled with some messed up beliefs about their sexuality. Maybe you will be able to learn a bit about how other people think of sex, and that it's o.k for men and women to have whatever libido they have and enjoy that. Emotional needs are important, especially for a woman, but sex is too, and that's all this guy is asking for help with.

You've imposed some pretty harsh judgements on him without even seeing it from his point of view.

Originally Posted by naina

this is so typical of guys expecting girls to be horny all the time , some of us are not that sexual ,i love more the cuddling, hugging ,looking into each other eyes part of a relationship and being more and more loving and compassionate to my partner. Maybe this is why my ex left me, he wanted to make a whore out of me by trying all weird sex. The more i involve myself emotionally in a relationship ( there has been only one for a brief while but it was very satifying), the less i am attracted to the sexual part

[marinik]

Originally Posted by naina

why cant u accept her as she is , if u want sex so much go find a slut

Nina sorry but not all of us women who love to have sex and are ready to experiment are sluts so please try and be a positive contributor to these threads.

[rondon2]

I may sound like naina here, but my advice is: accept her as she is, or get out of the relationship and try something else.

In my situation, I know my girl is not going to be everything. No one can be "everything". And in terms of sexuality - yes I too look at other hotter girls and am thinking of hot sexual fantasies. But I have committed to her, and for me this "duty" to commit overrides my lust. So to deal with the lust, I just jack off fantasizing of other women when my girl is not around. (Because I couldn't stomach cheating like most of the people around me do, and I'm too lazy to cheat.) Not a solution you might want to hear, but that's how I'm dealing with it.

As for the sexual pain, as the others suggest you may want to have that checked with a gynecologist or something...

If I _were_ in your situation (or if I _was_ in my pre-committed stage) I would've played around more (and probably wouldn't have committed for a looooooooooong time ). Just my 2 cents.

[marinik]

Jake if you feel it will be a problem in the future then you really need to rethink the whole life together thing. If the sex is so rare at this age you bet it will be even rarer in 20 years and you will still both be very young which maybe you can't believe now. And it is important.

And just maybe both of you need experiences with other people... For various reasons. She might just learn some sexual skills and so might you. Books are great but not enough. I'm not even going to go into the too young to commit or to be thinking of a life together. That is a whole separate topic.

[elucidate]

You may want to choose your words a bit more wisely here naina...since alot of women who post here enjoy having sex often and without shame, in may different "wierd" ways, sometimes with different people.

5 posts into it and you are already using degrading language? It's a shame when men use harsh words like the ones you used...it's even more disgraceful when women call other women this.

Originally Posted by naina

why cant u accept her as she is , if u want sex so much go find a slut

[naina]

im sorry jake :'( , i vented my frustrations on u, my boyfren left me after getting physically intimate with me, i have had such hatred for him, i gave my heart,mind soul everything to him, then why did he ditch me ?? i am a girl , i have feelings , how did he just use me :'( and never thought about me and why did my best friend aryan leave me after being best friends for 4 years, what can i do to get him back :'(, i feel so lost . Where are you Aryan , i need you

[James81]

I'm thinking that having a long, in depth discussion about this might help you gain a clearer perception about what you want.

Here's the thing...the discussion doesn't have to be about what YOU want. I think the discussion should revolve around figuring out what her thoughts are about sex, why she doesn't want it so much, etc. Perhaps there's something there that you aren't seeing. Perhaps she's been raped or molested at a young age. I mean, there's a lot of different things that *could* be going on here. But we have a tendency to take any lack of action on our partner's part as saying something about US, and it really has to do with us.

I've found that resolution comes through being direct. The resolution may not be something you're willing to accept or want in a relationship at this time, but at least then you'll know.

At your age, however, I'm thinking that you're most likely not with the person you're going to marry. In fact, I think you'll discover that you'll be a lot happier if you don't take your relationships very serious until you get a bit older. Maybe not, but you're at an age where things should be fun...not so serious.

Any issue that you take into a marriage will ultimately become a lot worse than it was BEFORE the marriage (I learned that one from experience). So, I'd make sure it got resolved before you even consider marriage.

[Williamjw]

I agree with James here, especially the part about taking relationships at our age too seriosly. I just got out of a relationship becuase it was getting too serios too young, not my choice, at the time i never wanted to leave her. But now were broken up i feel as if it was definatelly a good thing, although the first 6 months or so are ♥♥♥♥♥♥.

And if you have only ever slept with one person your whole life, then i think that's not living man.

Maybe take a break? They usually never work from my experiance and other breaks i've seen, but i think with the problem you have it could definatelly work. I imagine you've forgotten what its like to have fun with your mates out on the piss, just having a laugh, or indeed never experianced it. Never had a one night stand etc. I'm a year younger and have done that and trust me it's a must at our age.

I feel if you don't experiance other things you will never truly know what you want sexually or from life in general.

If you only ever love once how do you know its love?

[dude77]

Originally Posted by elucidate

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I had no idea that there were still females out there who thought this way. It's 2010...get with the programme.

The OP wasn't talking about you...he was talking about his girlfriend, who he loves. He doesn't think of her as a whore...why do you think that? You seem to have some pretty messed up views which you may want to take a look at.

You're from India right. I get that things are different there, and girls have been culturally instilled with some messed up beliefs about their sexuality. Maybe you will be able to learn a bit about how other people think of sex, and that it's o.k for men and women to have whatever libido they have and enjoy that. Emotional needs are important, especially for a woman, but sex is too, and that's all this guy is asking for help with.

You've imposed some pretty harsh judgements on him without even seeing it from his point of view.

Thats a harsh judgment too!

@jake: Accept her or leave her... you're not doing good to anyone increasing the resentment..
Remember the grass may not be green the other side.. Its important to priorities your needs and also understand the difference between wants and needs.

[elucidate]

What's a harsh judgement...pointing out that I've observed that she is from India? That's an observation, not a judgement.

You've just totally taken my words and twisted them to mean something I didn't intend them to mean. That's YOUR judgement and misunderstanding, not mine. Being misunderstood and accused of something I didn't do feels really bad.

Originally Posted by dude77

Thats a harsh judgment too!

@jake: Accept her or leave her... you're not doing good to anyone increasing the resentment..
Remember the grass may not be green the other side.. Its important to priorities your needs and also understand the difference between wants and needs.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Jake100

The problem is that I hate talking to her about this because she always gets cries and I feel terrible making her cry.

It sounds to me like this could be an emotional issue, rather than an inherent lack of libido. Does she always cry when you talk about things that don't necessarily reflect positively on her, or does she find this specific issue especially painful?

[rei]

I just wanted to also add to what KV said about size. It is possible for a guy to be big enough that certain positions are painful for the woman, and if the guy gets, err, eager in the process that can hurt too if she is not warmed up enough. Oh and if the guy wants to hit the, what's it called, "deep spot" - well, that is hitting her cervix and yes, it will be painful to most women if you do that and it may be less enjoyable for the woman if you do that. Some women enjoy pain in sex, many do not.

I just spoke to a younger female friend a few days ago, who just lost her virginity. She was very disappointed because she expected to orgasm from intercourse itself. I explained to her many women don't have an intense orgasm through intercourse, she is more likely to get it through foreplay. It's possible to have one anyway, of course, especially keeping things slow (which many guys are not exactly eager to do) but it may not be as intense as young women expect it to be.

If women think they are supposed to climax from regular intercourse easily, the same type of climax they may experience other ways, and they don't, they may think something is wrong with them. They may not be entirely authentic about the experience because they think something is wrong with them. This information may or may not apply to your situation, OP.

Jake, I think a conversation about this would be appropriate. I also think you and your girl would get something out of reading up on the Love Languages. It sounds like physical touch is what you need to feel loved, and perhaps your girlfriend has a different Love Language. If she buys you gifts, then getting gifts herself may be her primary way of feeling loved.

Understanding that we each have unique ways we feel loved can help us shift away from expecting that the other person will feel loved most easily through the same things that make us feel loved. Because that isn't always true. You can learn more and each take a free quiz to learn your love language here.

[Divajules]

Hi Jake,
I sent you a pm. I have a personal experience very similar to what you describe I wanted to share with you. I hope it helps to know that you aren't the only one who has ever had to deal with something like this.

[jinkster]

If the sex is so rare at this age you bet it will be even rarer in 20 years and you will still both be very young which maybe you can't believe now. And it is important.

i've heard people talk about "sexual peaks"; some think it's a myth. i don't have any personal experience noticing changes in my sex drive being related to age but i've heard from a few women who don't feel interested until around 30: "i'd do it sure, but it wasn't WOW like it is now, i can't get enough".

it's a difficult situation to try and relate because for so many of us we feel it's such an amazing experience, a wonderful way to explore and get close and want to share and show and help other people experience the joy. it's hard for me to empathize with her but i have been in a relationship with someone with a much lower sex drive and it was very difficult to not react with negative emotions - it doesn't feel good to be turned down by someone who loves you

i don't have any advice but i want to wish you the best. you sound like a very loving, caring and concerned boyfriend

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by jinkster

i've heard people talk about "sexual peaks"; some think it's a myth. i don't have any personal experience noticing changes in my sex drive being related to age but i've heard from a few women who don't feel interested until around 30: "i'd do it sure, but it wasn't WOW like it is now, i can't get enough".

I've heard that women's sexual drive increases when they get older, because their testosterone level rises. Could be true I dunno.

[MidasGirl]

I've just skimmed through the responses, but I'm with rei and KV. It's probably just that you're too big (what a problem!) and because she probably just lost her virginity, it hurts like hell.

That's the way it was for me. I lost my virginity at 19 and bf was a little too big but he was also inexperienced and didn't know other ways to relax me. The first time I was like: are you kidding me? This is what sex is? This hurts like hell. Get me outta here.

I'd give you advice that would be hard for you to take, like if she had sex with someone a bit smaller it would help her start to relax more. But what you can also do is try toys -- you can find a dildo that's the size of a finger even, lube it (A LOT) and then very very gently work with that.

I'm just remote-diagnosing of course. So feel free to blow off my advice if you feel it doesn't apply.

As for not wanting to try different positions, if it hurts it hurts. Please don't make a girl feel guilty about such a thing, you won't be doing her (or yourself) a favor by insisting she try things she's clearly telling you hurt her. Respect that. It could be that she has low self esteem and isn't just going to just jump on top of you and ride away (maybe date an older woman if you want that!)

She could be self conscious about her body. I don't know, just listen to her though, instead of pressuring her (even just by you having an attitude about it, she can sense that as pressure).

Good luck!

Edit: by the way I just noticed the part where you said she lost her virginity at 14, well, it doesn't actually make a difference, if she hasn't been having sex since then, she's still pretty much a virgin.

Another suggestion: you could just keep it oral for now, until she fully relaxes. Your tongue should be the easiest thing to put in there.

[AlmostGodess]

At the age of 20 I used to have sex 5 times a day each time I saw my boyfriend. I have never thought this was a lot or not enough. It was just our way of being together.

I always choose my men depending of how good I think they are in bed and, amazingly, the relationships are always passionate and special. Cannot imagine being with a man who is not active enough. It does not mean they are not good, they simply do not match me.

If being a slut means loving to have sex and to drive crazy your partner, then, yes, I am a slut and I am proud of it!

[Zanriel]

Gosh I feel bad for you, based on personal experience. My wife and I were pretty active during the courting and engagement stages, but once we got married it pretty much tanked. Nowadays I'm lucky if I get any action once every 1-2 months. I don't really have anything helpful to say other than this: Get out. Now, while you have a chance. Life's too short.

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by naina

im sorry jake :'( , i vented my frustrations on u, my boyfren left me after getting physically intimate with me, i have had such hatred for him, i gave my heart,mind soul everything to him, then why did he ditch me ?? i am a girl , i have feelings , how did he just use me :'( and never thought about me and why did my best friend aryan leave me after being best friends for 4 years, what can i do to get him back :'(, i feel so lost . Where are you Aryan , i need you

Naina, you did not give him anything. You still have your heart, your soul and your body. Sometimes we are really good friends with people, but a relationship with them might not work. And this is ok. Try to think more about yourself than about him and to take care of yourself. There are so many people looking for love in this world, and you will find your half that will suit you perfectly!