Becoming A Vibrational Match for a Romantic Relationship

[Jamie Stolz]

Hi!

Here's a gift for you: I need someone to read this and offer their opinion and advice. If you are like most people and love sharing your opinions and advice, then please enjoy. Hope you'll return the favor sometime and let me participate in your life

This is what I want:

I want to be in a loving, mature, committed romantic relationship with someone who I can see in person a few times a week and eventually live with. I want to cuddle them, encourage on them on their life path, have mindblowing sex, get to know them to the depths of their soul, and have conversations filled with the phrase "I'd never thought of that before!" I want to be able to start a family with this person's enthusiastic support (not me pushing) in the next few years. (Oh, I use "they" as a singular gender neutral pronoun a lot, but in this case I'm looking for a "him" and I myself am a "her," if that matters.)

This is what I keep doing:

Judging myself for wanting a romantic relationship, thinking I'll start looking for partners "later," doubting if anyone other than my ex could ever love me, flirting with someone and then changing my mind, getting angry or scared when people hit on me, finding I have no way to imagine such a wonderful relationship, telling myself I don't even know any men... Not socializing much at all, much less with single men. Also: typing up drafts of this post numerous times over months but considering wanting a relationship "too silly" to write about.

This might be contributing to the fuzziness:

I was deeply involved with someone incompatible for years. It's only this last year that I broke off the pattern we had and learned to be happy by myself again. I'm afraid of letting go of that independence to move towards a romantic relationship too soon (I've seen way too many friends do that). But I honestly believe I am strong enough now not to get too dependent again. Or to spend years trying to convince someone marriage and a family are for them when it's obvious that's not what they want.

I'm currently living in Tajikistan, then will be in Montana for a few months, then will be in Washington state for a year, and after that might be anywhere. I have been in unsatisfying long-distance relationships in the past and don't want to repeat that, so I tell myself that though I'd like a relationship now, I should wait until I'm in Washington in October. I don't think that's actually a good excuse because "the right" person for me is going to be mobile anyway, and someone I meet in Tajikistan is probably mobile, speaks the same languages I do, and can relate to my experiences here. Someone from Montana knows about my home state! Someone from Washington would have to be mobile anyway, as discussed. Plus I am giving out such a "no" to relationships right now, that it's going to take some time, maybe months, to turn that around to a "yes."

I don't really know how to go about starting a relationship with the kind of person I'm interested in. I need to switch my social circle to one that is supportive of my growth and which includes people: men and women, single and in relationships, who are smart, successful, conscious and...well, not your average college student or Tajik would be a start! I don't even know what the type of man I'm interested in would respond to; where does he look for a relationship? My career would be a great place to start, but I work with birth - so most of my peer group is women and my clients are women and their married husbands. I am going to the CGW in October (so excited), but don't really want to wait that long to start some movement towards this goal.


What do you think? Should I just wait? Try meeting people online (there are a lot of fascinating young men in these forums, I've noticed)? Start trolling for expats here in Tajikistan (that could be hilarious)? Actually take my mother's advice and shave my legs for the first time in years (because we all know smooth legs are the determining factor in relationship success)?

Thanks,
Jamie