Becoming A Vibrational Match for a Romantic Relationship

[Jamie Stolz]

Hi!

Here's a gift for you: I need someone to read this and offer their opinion and advice. If you are like most people and love sharing your opinions and advice, then please enjoy. Hope you'll return the favor sometime and let me participate in your life

This is what I want:

I want to be in a loving, mature, committed romantic relationship with someone who I can see in person a few times a week and eventually live with. I want to cuddle them, encourage on them on their life path, have mindblowing sex, get to know them to the depths of their soul, and have conversations filled with the phrase "I'd never thought of that before!" I want to be able to start a family with this person's enthusiastic support (not me pushing) in the next few years. (Oh, I use "they" as a singular gender neutral pronoun a lot, but in this case I'm looking for a "him" and I myself am a "her," if that matters.)

This is what I keep doing:

Judging myself for wanting a romantic relationship, thinking I'll start looking for partners "later," doubting if anyone other than my ex could ever love me, flirting with someone and then changing my mind, getting angry or scared when people hit on me, finding I have no way to imagine such a wonderful relationship, telling myself I don't even know any men... Not socializing much at all, much less with single men. Also: typing up drafts of this post numerous times over months but considering wanting a relationship "too silly" to write about.

This might be contributing to the fuzziness:

I was deeply involved with someone incompatible for years. It's only this last year that I broke off the pattern we had and learned to be happy by myself again. I'm afraid of letting go of that independence to move towards a romantic relationship too soon (I've seen way too many friends do that). But I honestly believe I am strong enough now not to get too dependent again. Or to spend years trying to convince someone marriage and a family are for them when it's obvious that's not what they want.

I'm currently living in Tajikistan, then will be in Montana for a few months, then will be in Washington state for a year, and after that might be anywhere. I have been in unsatisfying long-distance relationships in the past and don't want to repeat that, so I tell myself that though I'd like a relationship now, I should wait until I'm in Washington in October. I don't think that's actually a good excuse because "the right" person for me is going to be mobile anyway, and someone I meet in Tajikistan is probably mobile, speaks the same languages I do, and can relate to my experiences here. Someone from Montana knows about my home state! Someone from Washington would have to be mobile anyway, as discussed. Plus I am giving out such a "no" to relationships right now, that it's going to take some time, maybe months, to turn that around to a "yes."

I don't really know how to go about starting a relationship with the kind of person I'm interested in. I need to switch my social circle to one that is supportive of my growth and which includes people: men and women, single and in relationships, who are smart, successful, conscious and...well, not your average college student or Tajik would be a start! I don't even know what the type of man I'm interested in would respond to; where does he look for a relationship? My career would be a great place to start, but I work with birth - so most of my peer group is women and my clients are women and their married husbands. I am going to the CGW in October (so excited), but don't really want to wait that long to start some movement towards this goal.


What do you think? Should I just wait? Try meeting people online (there are a lot of fascinating young men in these forums, I've noticed)? Start trolling for expats here in Tajikistan (that could be hilarious)? Actually take my mother's advice and shave my legs for the first time in years (because we all know smooth legs are the determining factor in relationship success)?

Thanks,
Jamie

[elucidate]

There are some interesting fellas on here aren't there
It's good to mingle with people who are on the same page when it comes to growth and being conscious, so it could be a good start.

Shaving the legs worked for me...but then again, I didn't do too badly when I didn't shave them either. Generally though , most men prefer shaven.

You seem to know what you don't want, so that's good, it helps with clarifying what you do want in a relationship.

[butterflyeffect]

Love you first. I tend to find that when i meditate and focus on being in a loving place with myself it flows outwards and makes thing easier.

Try to stop judging yourself. Easier said than done right!! I am very good at judging myself and its futile. Work through all the shoulds, need to, must haves and residual emotions about your life now and your ex. Just take some time, meditate and process it. Then you can let it go.

I want to lose a significant amount of fat and everytime I focus on it I tend to put on wieght because I get so anxious and over focused I ruin it. I keep getting anxious and thinking I hate to lose weight, i have to!! Its coming from a place of fear not love. I get a similiar vibe from you, (could be wrong though). that you really want this relationship but your anxious you might not get it and how your going to go about it.

The solution I have found is to let go a little bit. Affirm in your own mind that this is the sort of relationship you want and will definatley have. You don't have to have it tommorow, but you will have it. Take the pressure off. Then decide what you need to do, in a loving way to yourself, don't do it for your future partner, do it for you. Do you like getting dressed up and shaving your legs? Do it because you like it. Wear things that make you feel happy and sexy. Do things that you like and enjoy that involve men and meeting them. I feel like this is what will bring you sucess, but im biased lol im going on my own experiences..

[pyrogen]

Do a one month dating fast and stop looking or even THINKING about relationships if you can help it... you might discover a more authentic you, NOT the person who you think "they" want...

... and *that* *real you* will attract the "right" person and you will cease wasting a whole lot of time. You'll get "real" faster and cut through a lot of the preliminary crap, and have a deeper connection... my two cents... I realized this via my own dating fast, in fact I'm about to make it two months.

We tend to put on masks when we date. It can take months to a year to strip away those masks and get to know the real person. Then it's like we have to get to know the partner all over again and maybe we don't even get along with that person.

I did this process once with a relationship - magnetized them to the *real me* and manifested him very quickly (within a few days of setting the intention) at a point where I was really in a good space with work, friends, etc - it was the best relationship of my life, even though it was short. By six months, I knew everything important about him that there already was to know by the end of the first date... we got "real" very quickly.

I'd like that again, so I'm working on being the best "real me" as I can be, not "what I think men or women want". In other words. If you're overweight, lose the weight *for you* (or don't lose it, and simply go with a guy who likes big girls) and not because you think men would prefer you otherwise. With your clothes, find a personal style that fits *you* instead of trying to read the male population's mind and assume they all like women who wear x, y, z. Stop saying what you think they want to hear.

[Jamie Stolz]

Thanks everyone.

I think most apt is what butterflyeffect said - you're completely right that I am coming at this from the wrong energy. It's not so frustrating that I want a relationship now, but that I say I want it and won't move towards it. I think I need to sit a bit more with why I'm holding myself back.

[Angela]

Hi, Jamie, and welcome to the forums!

Your post sounded familiar to me - I only a few months ago gave myself permission to say out loud that what I want is a mate -- someone who will choose me fully and whom I will fully choose. Within a couple of days after saying it (I burst into tears when I said it, I'd been judging myself for that desire for so long), the guy I think of as the love of my life showed up, and we're going now strong. Surprise!

If you want to be a vibrational match for a good-feeling relationship, I'd suggest you let go of all the blah-blah-blah about it: the reasons, the shoulds, the I-don't-knows -- and focus on thoughts that feel good when you feel them. Good-feeling people are magnets for other good-feeling people, and you don't have to worry about where or when or how or why you'll meet your match -- you can just relax and BE the partner you want to be NOW, before you even meet him. You can think of yourself as preparing yourself, as he is preparing himself for you. You are warming up your arms for him, and he is warming his arms for you to walk into easily and effortlessly, at exactly the right time.

Focus on joy, and trust yourself.

I'm so glad you're here!

(P.s. have you ever heard that country-western song, "Did I Shave My Legs for THIS?" )

[jpaulk]

Hi Jamie,

I totally understand your situation and how you feel. Here is what I've learned:

Learn to love yourself.
Sounds cliche, I know. But if you don't love yourself, then no one else will either.

Be loving and you will be lovable.
Quotes can explain it better than I can. "Only by loving does love come to us. The more we love, the more love comes to us.” “Love is never outside ourselves; love is within us.”

Be open to receiving love.
You need to be open to receiving love. How do you do that? You must first acknowledge the love you have in your life--this opens you up to receiving even more.

Let go of wanting love.
I learned this from the Release Technique and it works very well. Wanting is a distinct feeling or sensation of not having. When you want something—like love—you experience the agony of not having love. Wanting holds in mind lack—in this case, a lack of love. If you are holding in mind lack, then that’s what you are going to get. The Release Technique has some excellent exercises to help you to let go.

[pyrogen]

This all makes total sense. In my own life, when I've manifested love from a place of loneliness and sadness, I've had lonely, sad relationships. The one that I manifested from a place of sharing and joy was full of sharing and joy.

[rei]

Jamie, I just wanted to say I really enjoy your writing style, I can tell you are a fascinating person who is fully deserving of what you want in a relationship!

The vibrational match piece, very astute of you. If you want a match that creates joy and passion, it is helpful to be feeling that as you focus on a relationship. And, I for one think it works better if we're truly feeling that way the moment we set the intention (or declare willingness for a relationship), and as part of our baseline mood. In my experience this works better than, say, trying to create "happy" on top of "sad" without processing "sad."

Basically if we feel heavy when we open up to a relationship, it's likely to feel like a heavy relationship. If we feel vibrant, fluid, passionate, playful when we open up, we're more likely to match a relationship like that.

Oh, and I agree with what jpaulk said about "wanting love." In my experience it works better to have the frame of, "I choose love." And if you don't feel fully behind choosing it, you're entirely right to sit with that and see what it's about.

To me, if I'm choosing love and choosing to be open to someone who chooses me completely and chooses to love me as I know I deserve to be loved, that feels powerful, like in a heart-will-be(-relatively-)safe kind of way

Wish you the best on this, you seem like you are a fun person to know!

[Jamie Stolz]

Originally Posted by Angela

If you want to be a vibrational match for a good-feeling relationship, I'd suggest you let go of all the blah-blah-blah about it: the reasons, the shoulds, the I-don't-knows -- and focus on thoughts that feel good when you feel them. Good-feeling people are magnets for other good-feeling people, and you don't have to worry about where or when or how or why you'll meet your match -- you can just relax and BE the partner you want to be NOW, before you even meet him. You can think of yourself as preparing yourself, as he is preparing himself for you. You are warming up your arms for him, and he is warming his arms for you to walk into easily and effortlessly, at exactly the right time.

(P.s. have you ever heard that country-western song, "Did I Shave My Legs for THIS?" )

Oh man, thanks for that breath of fresh air. Sometimes I get all: "but you're not doing anything," and forget that while action is important, so are the feelings behind it. Definitely going to follow this invitation to relax; always need those.

(I haven't heard that song, but I am *so* going to look for it now!)

[Jamie Stolz]

Originally Posted by jpaulk

Learn to love yourself.
Sounds cliche, I know. But if you don't love yourself, then no one else will either.

Be loving and you will be lovable.
Quotes can explain it better than I can. "Only by loving does love come to us. The more we love, the more love comes to us.” “Love is never outside ourselves; love is within us.”

Be open to receiving love.
You need to be open to receiving love. How do you do that? You must first acknowledge the love you have in your life--this opens you up to receiving even more.

Let go of wanting love.
I learned this from the Release Technique and it works very well. Wanting is a distinct feeling or sensation of not having. When you want something—like love—you experience the agony of not having love. Wanting holds in mind lack—in this case, a lack of love. If you are holding in mind lack, then that’s what you are going to get. The Release Technique has some excellent exercises to help you to let go.

Thanks for the response.

Oh I do so love lists!

One question - as far as receiving love; I spend a lot of time warding off advances from men of various stripes who are definitely wrong for me (like predatory Tajik males stalking the streets looking for an American to marry for a visa), and I kind of carry that vibe with me out of those interactions and into others. Any advice for letting these incorrect connections go with love? Because right now my strategy is stressed avoidance (don't make eye contact, don't answer the phone, etc.)

What a profound and succinct way of summing up exactly the problem with "wanting" something! That covers pretty much all the problems I had as a teenager in one short paragraph.

[Jamie Stolz]

Originally Posted by rei

Jamie, I just wanted to say I really enjoy your writing style, I can tell you are a fascinating person who is fully deserving of what you want in a relationship!

The vibrational match piece, very astute of you. If you want a match that creates joy and passion, it is helpful to be feeling that as you focus on a relationship. And, I for one think it works better if we're truly feeling that way the moment we set the intention (or declare willingness for a relationship), and as part of our baseline mood. In my experience this works better than, say, trying to create "happy" on top of "sad" without processing "sad."

Basically if we feel heavy when we open up to a relationship, it's likely to feel like a heavy relationship. If we feel vibrant, fluid, passionate, playful when we open up, we're more likely to match a relationship like that.

Oh my gosh! I just realized that with my high school/early college boyfriend, I did exactly that. I looked in the mirror one day, said very seriously: "Universe, if you'll send me the right guy, I will give him my all." And the relationship was wonderful, definitely "right" for me - loving and helped me move forward. But it also required my all, and big time. I keep thinking of ways to start a new relationship and going back to that, but I hadn't realized how the way I set the intention for that one came out exactly how I'd visualized it. I did tons of work and didn't leave until I'd exhausted all other options multiple times over. This time maybe I want a similarly clear but less heavy intention, yes? Wow, thanks for that aha moment!

And re: writing style and deserving love. Thanks for that! So nice to hear. I'm definitely blushing.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jamie Stolz

Oh man, thanks for that breath of fresh air. Sometimes I get all: "but you're not doing anything," and forget that while action is important, so are the feelings behind it. Definitely going to follow this invitation to relax; always need those.

Just to be clear, I don't mean to suggest that you should not take action -- just that the action you take be inspired by being who you want to be, and loving your life, rather than taking action *in order to* find The One.

When you're living and loving your life, you will naturally, easily and effortlessly be a vibrational pull -- a gravitational force -- for people who are excited, moved, and inspired by you and the things you're up to. And the duds will just be spun off into space.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Jamie Stolz

Oh my gosh! I just realized that with my high school/early college boyfriend, I did exactly that. I looked in the mirror one day, said very seriously: "Universe, if you'll send me the right guy, I will give him my all." And the relationship was wonderful, definitely "right" for me - loving and helped me move forward. But it also required my all, and big time. I keep thinking of ways to start a new relationship and going back to that, but I hadn't realized how the way I set the intention for that one came out exactly how I'd visualized it. I did tons of work and didn't leave until I'd exhausted all other options multiple times over. This time maybe I want a similarly clear but less heavy intention, yes? Wow, thanks for that aha moment!

And re: writing style and deserving love. Thanks for that! So nice to hear. I'm definitely blushing.

I had a similar intention. I was willing to do ANYTHING for love. Don't be willing to do ANYTHING. Love yourself first and find someone who agrees with you.

I gave my "all" to my ex. I am still recovering from giving it and trying to get it *back*. Don't give your all. Always keep some for yourself. I gave my all and my ex gave their all and it still wasn't enough.

Instead, how about intending a relationship that is easy to be in - you're compatible enough that you don't *have* to work as hard, there is a flow, it is easy for you to be together?

Sacrifice is a great virtue on paper, but if you're compatible enough to begin with, you don't have to give up as much.

You notice that when you're in the "flow" with a job, it doesn't feel like work and doesn't feel like your job is squeezing your blood out of you even if it doesn't pay enough (or isn't paid at all!)?

That's what it should look like.

Go look for some relationship role models. The same relationship doesn't appeal to everyone, even though we've been sold this stock male/female relation. There are so many different styles of relating. Even among the couples where he brings home the bacon and she fries it up in a pan, there are myriad variations.

One way to figure this out before you get with someone - so that you don't argue too much over task division once you're together (both of my important relationships foundered over the issue of task division, wish I'd known this then!) - is to already have an idea of your skills, strengths and weaknesses. This is actually a better idea than making the by now debunked Love LOA Wish List.

Love Wish Lists tend to work from the bottom up. How the first date is going to go and what immediate traits the person comes into the relationship with. For this exercise, I'm asking you to work from the top down... you are already married to the person, what is it that is making this marriage *work*?

I'm going to completely leave out the spiritual and communication stuff we New Thought types tend to focus on and stick strictly with practical division of labor, because the cause of divorces is more likely to be pulling one's load and what constitutes the load. It's good to have an idea of "what constitutes a load" before getting involved.

Get a piece of line paper, draw three vertical lines, write at the top of each column: "love to do" "love him or her to do" "not crazy about but will negotiate". In column 3 can also be included those items which you're willing to hire out, such as housekeeping... housekeeping is in column 3 for me, because I want housekeeping to be hands-off of the couple as much as possible. I don't even want to argue over it. Someone with issues over having strangers in the house (this was both of my exes) is a no-go. I don't want to clean (other than daily maintenance), I don't want my partner to clean, and I don't want to argue about cleaning.

When you're done with this, get another piece of paper and make three similar columns. What do you want to bring to the relationship, what do they need to bring, and what can you share. Examples: if you want to do the decorating and the guy (because I'm assuming it's a guy) to be the one that does the "fix-it" stuff. This is important, because it's a major battleground...

This way, you end up with a "relationship want ad" instead of a "wish list" - think of it as if you are hiring employees for your company. You know your strengths and weaknesses as a manager, and the needs of your company, and what character traits and task-willingness you need from your employees.

The next thing to put on your list are the things you can't at all budge on... such as, "he must be Jewish" (or whatever).

This non negotiable list will actually be quite small.

This still leaves the Universe, G-d, Flying Spaghetti Monster, your holy guardian angel, your ku, Ralph the Cosmic Muffin, or your supreme organizing principle whatever that is... plenty of room to work with and your compatible mate could show up in any package or even be negotiated with any number of people (or two or more people, if you're like Steve Pavlina ).

Whereas "wish lists" tend to look like this:

Over 5'10
Blond with blue eyes
Doctor, lawyer, construction worker (or whatever profession)
Spiritual

I'm thinking top down, not bottom up... you are already in a working marriage, what does it look like? You are OLD together, what made it work?

Finally, go get some relationship role models... When you find some relationship role models, let me know because I am making a book of them for myself!

[rei]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

For this exercise, I'm asking you to work from the top down... you are already married to the person, what is it that is making this marriage *work*?

This is a great point! I learned for myself compatibility means squat (certainly not staying power) if there's not an emotional connection that both are willing to feel and express. I always thought of compatibility as the holy grail of a relationship with staying power. Not so... or it wasn't in my case... you can approach the world in almost the same way, but if the love and passion isn't there and isn't being expressed in a way where both people feel cared for, it won't work well.

As it stands now, to me the staying power comes from practical things such as both people being responsible, purpose-driven (connected with their personal power), realistic about compromise - and then add to it a foundation of love, sincerity, generosity, responsiveness, respect, and consideration. Basically, a marriage built on the heart

But then, I would rather have a marriage built on love than one where you like many of the same things but don't have an emotional connection. To me if there is an emotional connection and both people are in touch with their personal power, the love/consideration/generosity/respect framework can create something where the other stuff just works itself out.

Glad to provide fuel for the aha, Jamie, and I meant the things I said too!

[BulletsAndDoves]

lol this forum feels like an Oprah meeting, but I will try to give you the upliftment with your own Source that you need.

You are very intense and passionate. I see it in your eyes. There's a fire there.

Girl let's be real! You need a man that is man enough to handle you. Man enough to 'take you' in other words. I see you even with a guy that's laid-back, to complement you- as you seem like a person that's tense and high strung about a lot of stuff.

Somebody that is not scared of your fire, and is not fiery as well (so you feel competitive) but somebody that absorbs your fire in themselves and really likes it! A complement.

You like a little drama and fun in life, you love when interesting and even sad things happen, and so your mate needs to be the same way.

Opposites don't attract, and similarities don't attract, but complements do attract. People that upgrade you when you're already self-confident and whole. So the more honest you get with you, the more your lover will come. I think you've identified how you've been your own worst enemy pretty well so just be real!

They have to be different enough to cover up your weaknesses, but same enough to understand your heart.