i don't have enough courage

[soccer7]

hi everyone, i have some family problems that i feel like sharing to ease some pain,

my parents don't like each other, my mum has left home temporarily to hide from dept collectors, my dad has given on my mum and decides to bring home some lady while my mum is out.

my mum told me to be firm and to tell that lady not to come over again, i did but in a more polite way,

she said "i understand your family situation, but i'm only here to help out your dad with stuff like shoping list and give suggestion like a friend thing"

i said " its ok if you come over but don't sleep in my parents room"

she said " sometimes i go stay here late and your dad insist i stay cause it's dangerous driving home late, i said but that's not really good, and he tells me its ok, don't wory, so thats why i stayed. but ok i'll try not to sleep over anymore"

i told my mum today and she said i was too nice and that the lady was lying, she could have went home earlier and such. she told me i have to tell the lady again to not come over at all. its not so much about what i think, its just that i have 2 younger brothers that shouldn't be subjected to this type of thing.

my mum said its ok for my dad to go do what ever he like somewhere else like a hotel or something, but just don't take it home and put the kids in any kind of pain or such. my mum doesn't really care about my dad anymore, she only wories about my two younger brothers.

but i don't think i have enough courage to say more, i am afraid of my dad and interferring with his affairs even though i know that its the right thing to do but i am still afraid.

what should i do?

[Dietrie]

I don't think it should be your place to say anything to your father or this woman. I think that You need to concentrate on yourself, and on your brothers.
I think if you are feeling that you are lacking courage then you should consider how you are thinking about things. You need to tell yourself and KNOW that you have courage for anything. You also need to feel happy...
What I do when I am feeling overwhelmed by something is I sit down, and think of all that is good in my life that I am thankful for. Doing this helps me to feel good, and to refocus myself to get where I want to be. After I do this I can hold the image of where I want to be in my head and my actions will bring me towards that, if that makes sense.
It's not an easy thing to do at first, but over time it will get easier. The most important thing for you to remember is to take care of YOU.
I'm sorry I could not be more help... just remember if you believe you have courage, then you will have it, and if you dont... then you won't. And, you need to have courage for you, first and always.

[Lychee]

I don't think it's your place to tell this woman not to come over. Your mom is trying to give you responsibility of authority by telling you what you should do about this woman when she is not there. You are in an awkward position, since you want to follow your mother, but you are living with your dad and you are trying to tell someone else not to come over while your dad is fine with her company. Why don't you talk to your dad about how you're feeling and discuss what can be done to make all parties happy? Don't be too hard on yourself.

[soccer7]

thanks guys, i feel so much better knowing that other people agree to the same conclusion like i did, i didn't really want to say anymore to this lady, i don't really hate her like my mum did.

when i talk to my mother she tells me alot of stuff to make me hate the lady and somehow tell the lady off kinda thing so she won't come over anymore. but now i can see that its not me really hating the lady, its just a projection of my mums hatred towards the lady that was placed on me to take action.

because my parents are practically seperated, i don't see a problem with my dad dating someone else, as long as he still doen'st have any feelings for my mum, which seems to be the case here. The only problem is to keep this stuff away from my brothers.

i decided to talked to my dad yesterday one on one and we discussed everything in a calm and collected manner, it wasn't as scary as i thought. I believed i have the courage and i did. he told me that he won't let the kids know and he knows how to handle them. i feel so much better now, its like i just grew more mature and confident.

thanks guys.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by soccer7

i decided to talked to my dad yesterday one on one and we discussed everything in a calm and collected manner, it wasn't as scary as i thought. I believed i have the courage and i did. he told me that he won't let the kids know and he knows how to handle them. i feel so much better now, its like i just grew more mature and confident.

That's courage

[bellbird]

Good on you mate! That wasn't an easy thing to do... sounds like you know just fine what to do and what to say. Trust yourself and agreed, stay out of their affairs, there's no point for you being stuck in the middle between them. Your mum put you in a position and she shouldn't of asked you (eventhough it might be understandable from her point of view). All the best to you

[soccer7]

Thanks bellbird, everyone of my friends i asked agreed on the same thing, that my mum shouldn't have put me in that position, although my aurntie told me my mum is right, that i am too weak, and i should have yelled at her for messing with my family.

i was told by my mum to go and release the airs in the lady's car tyre, i called up my friends, they said don't do it, i called up my aurntie and she told me to go scratch her car with my keys because it was the right thing to do. She had me convinced that it was the right thing to do and its my responsibility.

i did it, but my intuition told me it was wrong and i should own up if i am asked of it, my ego goes "no way, that suicide, there are alot to lose in this situation." My mind kepted switching between owning up or lying cleverly. But mostly i wanted to tell the truth.

today my dad came in and said, "James your 21 years old now, you know the difference between right and wrong, so you decide for yourself" in a calm relaxed manner and left.

arrh, so confusing, did what i do right or wrong, is it really my responsibility??
I think i have to go ask more people on this, perhaps my uncle, You see the problem is when i ask my uncle there is a slight chance he will take my dad's side because they are brothers, and if i ask my aurntie they protect the woman, so it abit bias. so thats why i need outside opions to lessen the chance of bias.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by soccer7

Thanks bellbird, everyone of my friends i asked agreed on the same thing, that my mum shouldn't have put me in that position, although my aurntie told me my mum is right, that i am too weak, and i should have yelled at her for messing with my family.

i was told by my mum to go and release the airs in the lady's car tyre, i called up my friends, they said don't do it, i called up my aurntie and she told me to go scratch her car with my keys because it was the right thing to do. She had me convinced that it was the right thing to do and its my responsibility.

i did it, but my intuition told me it was wrong and i should own up if i am asked of it, my ego goes "no way, that suicide, there are alot to lose in this situation." My mind kepted switching between owning up or lying cleverly. But mostly i wanted to tell the truth.

today my dad came in and said, "James your 21 years old now, you know the difference between right and wrong, so you decide for yourself" in a calm relaxed manner and left.

arrh, so confusing, did what i do right or wrong, is it really my responsibility??
I think i have to go ask more people on this, perhaps my uncle, You see the problem is when i ask my uncle there is a slight chance he will take my dad's side because they are brothers, and if i ask my aurntie they protect the woman, so it abit bias. so thats why i need outside opions to lessen the chance of bias.

What your mother and aunt told you to do was wrong. Clearly you should have followed your intuition.

Yes, you are responsible for what you did because you are the one who chose to do it. No one compelled you to do anything. Ask yourself if you would do this to a stranger. Have you even really gotten to know her? Has she done anything wrong to you personally?

I think you should really ponder over what your father said. The tension lies between your mother and father, not between you and this woman. And if you really dislike her presence, tell your father in a civilized and respectful way.

I also think you know what you did was wrong but are confused about this whole situation because of outside influences. Honestly, I think this situation is pretty clear cut: someone told you to do something harmful to another person and you did it. Not to pull a guilt trip on you, but you can't fix a keyed car with just a couple of bucks. In some cases a good amount of money is required to fix a car depending on how badly it was damaged. Did you think about maybe this woman really needed money for something important but will now need it for fixing her car if she chooses to? Aside from that, who wants their property damaged?

[soccer7]

Update on my life :

she came over the next day, noticing this i went to my room and hide, because i was afraid and didn't know what to say. I didn't get to eat much and was in my room for a long time, feeling very miserable. Then finally she knocked and asked to talk to me.

"This is it, hope this goes well" i thought to myself. We sat opposite each other and i crossed my arms to try to appear confident and calm, but actaully trying to reason with my heart that there is nothing to fear and that it shouldn't beat so fast.

She straight forwardly asked "I just want to know did you scratch my car ?" At this point i had enough of ego and fear based thinking, I had already decided to do the right thing, i had just written a post on honesty means courage, so lying now would be a contridiction on my values and beliefs, and i'm no hypicrite.

I straighten my back and said " Yes it was me, I did it"

She smiled and complimented me for being honest with her, she said
"I admire your honesty, you proved to me that you are man who takes responsibility for his actions, the truth is I already knew that it was you, its quite obvious really. I just wanted to see what type of person you are.

she continues
"I could have called the cops and report this is a threat, but i admire your honesty and understand the way you feel about my presence, perhaps i also didn't get to explain the whole situation to you properly and might have caused a misunderstanding, so i forgive you.
I understand that you must think i'm evil and trying cause trouble for your family, but let me explain ..... "

It was a long conversation, towards the end my fear died down and i started to talk more. I agreed to many aspects of what she said, my intuition would butt in from time to time saying
'yep thats true, yep yep, she's telling the truth, i can smell it'

Somewhere during the conversation, my intuition told me to apologise, so i said "After everything you said, i'm not sure wheather you were lying or not, but if what you say is true and that i have misunderstood somethings, then i want to say i'm sorry for the car " she smiled and laughed abit, kind of hung back at what i said, i'm not sure. I felt stupid after that but laughed it off telling myself i did good.

In the end the lady gave me her mobile number and name and told me to give this to my mum so she can discuss this further with my mum to solve the problem.

The fact is, my mother doesn't understand the whole story and fueled with rage and revenge, and perhaps misunderstood a few concepts, decide to call upon my royalty and love to do her bidding. My urntie doesn't know the whole story either, so having her own opion of who is right and wrong, supports my mum.

Maybe i'm wrong too, perphas the whole conversation yesterday was just a bunch of cleverly planed out lies deviced by that lady and my dad, who knows for sure, I'm just gona go with my intuition, since that's a part of me i belive i can trust.

I believe this to be a valuebale life experience that will shape the way i think and feel in the future, i now have more courage and motivation to grow further.

So its all good now, i am glad for the conversation, and feel fortunate for the way things have turned out, it could have been worst, don't you all agree ?

[ellie]

Well I think it was very responsible of the lady to give you her number and to tell your mum to contact her.

I'm sorry that your mother put you in this situation and you're mother should have never burdened you with her thoughts and negativity.

I think it's great that you were able to look at the situation and really see right from wrong.

Maybe try sitting down with your mum and explaining how you felt with her reactions and tell her your the child and you should not be dealing with this and as an adult she should know this. I've had something similar happen with my family (not as bad), but bad mouthing family members that I have to deal with. It makes it hard when I have to see the other family members at get togethers.

So if I hear my family talk about this or try to bring it up with me. I tell them "please do not talk about this around me, it makes it really difficult for me, when I meet up with my other family and at the end of the day I have to deal with them, not you and please have respect for my feelings". Usually my family tries to justify their actions, but I tell them, "I don't care what you feel about them, or how right you feel you are, at the end of the day, your negativity is effecting me".

If they don't respect my feelings, I get really annoyed and cause a scene - lol! Which is probably not the best approach

[bellbird]

Just wondering James, if you're 21, why are you still living at home? Do you not want to leave your brothers behind? Was just wondering that as you're obviously old enough to live on your own and therefor wouldn't be stuck smack bang in the family confusion zone? (I don't mean that in any nasty way)
PS: agree with:

Well I think it was very responsible of the lady to give you her number and to tell your mum to contact her.

I'm sorry that your mother put you in this situation and you're mother should have never burdened you with her thoughts and negativity.

I think it's great that you were able to look at the situation and really see right from wrong.

Maybe try sitting down with your mum and explaining how you felt with her reactions and tell her your the child and you should not be dealing with this and as an adult she should know this. I've had something similar happen with my family (not as bad), but bad mouthing family members that I have to deal with. It makes it hard when I have to see the other family members at get togethers.

Good luck

[Lychee]

You've taken a step in the right direction.