Clingy Children

[justhopingandsearching]

How do you get children to stop being so clingy? By clingy, I mean children who always want to be with their parents. Do you cater to their need of being with you (the parent/s), or do try discouraging it. For example, if you have a 12 year who wants to sleep with you, do you allow them or tell them no? I should also mention that when I say children I'm talking about older kids around 8 and above.

[Angela]

I'd look for what has them feeling insecure about being away from me, and I'd use some of my tools for helping them to feel confident, bold, and curious about the world away from me.

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'd look for what has them feeling insecure about being away from me, and I'd use some of my tools for helping them to feel confident, bold, and curious about the world away from me.

How would you go about doing this?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

How would you go about doing this?

NLP, Time Techniques, and hypnosis, of course!

Specifically, I'd get really curious about what's going on with the kids. What do they believe about themselves? What do they believe about me and about the world? What might happen if they were bold, adventurous pirates, exploring for treasure? What price do they think they'd have to pay for that? What kind of inner resources would they need to build to get what they want? What DO they want?

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

How would you go about doing this?

I'd start by asking.

[justhopingandsearching]

And if they respond with I just want to be with you and I'm scared. I mean it gets tiring to always have them under you. They always want to hug up on you, hold your hand, sleep with you, just be with you. They pick and do annoying things to get your attention. After a while, you just get the urge to push them away, and tell them to go away.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

And if they respond with I just want to be with you and I'm scared. I mean it gets tiring to always have them under you. They always want to hug up on you, hold your hand, sleep with you, just be with you. They pick and do annoying things to get your attention. After a while, you just get the urge to push them away, and tell them to go away.

And then you feel kind of guilty, right? You probably wouldn't be most effective if you started the conversation when they're crawling all over you and you're wanting to push them away. Might be more effective to have a talk during a relaxed, neutral moment, when everyone feels safe and content. Or bedtime, or another time when you're feeling welcoming.

It doesn't work if you're just faking curiosity. They'll feel that, and feel even more threatened by the inauthenticity. You have to be genuinely curious, you have to be approaching with a win/win intention.

You can always recruit an NLP practitioner to help, too - either together with the kids or just on your own, to get tools for helping your kids - and yourself.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

How do you get children to stop being so clingy? By clingy, I mean children who always want to be with their parents. Do you cater to their need of being with you (the parent/s), or do try discouraging it. For example, if you have a 12 year who wants to sleep with you, do you allow them or tell them no? I should also mention that when I say children I'm talking about older kids around 8 and above.

It sounds like they have struggles with trust and abandonment issues. Has there been a death, divorce, move in the family?

[Nemosyne]

I was a really clingy child, although I went through a lot growing up in foster care. Some of my sister's kids, who have a very stable family are very clingy as well, and when I'm around them, I try to give them their need for physical touch by hugging them as much as they need.

I imagine one of two things are happening. One, is that you're pushing them away, and they're getting scared. If you don't think your behavior, or the behavior of ones around you are affecting them, it's possible they need to see occupational therapists - although they could probably use them anyway. They're feeling starved of touch, and will start wearing tight clothes and needing lots of bed covers to feel better. One good exercise is telling them they can't sleep with you, but in the morning you'll read them a story. When morning comes, wrap them tightly in an afghan or blanket, like you would an infant, hold them on your lap and read to them. Try to do this every day at morning or night. Good luck!

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

It sounds like they have struggles with trust and abandonment issues. Has there been a death, divorce, move in the family?

No.

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by Nemosyne

I was a really clingy child, although I went through a lot growing up in foster care. Some of my sister's kids, who have a very stable family are very clingy as well, and when I'm around them, I try to give them their need for physical touch by hugging them as much as they need.

I imagine one of two things are happening. One, is that you're pushing them away, and they're getting scared. If you don't think your behavior, or the behavior of ones around you are affecting them, it's possible they need to see occupational therapists - although they could probably use them anyway. They're feeling starved of touch, and will start wearing tight clothes and needing lots of bed covers to feel better. One good exercise is telling them they can't sleep with you, but in the morning you'll read them a story. When morning comes, wrap them tightly in an afghan or blanket, like you would an infant, hold them on your lap and read to them. Try to do this every day at morning or night. Good luck!

My family is not touchy-feely. We don't really hug each other, or say I love you. So my levels and other family members' levels for it, are probably pretty low. I and everyone else in my family have always been very independent, so where this is coming from we don't understand.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

No.

Do you remember the first type you began to see the clingy behavior in your children?

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Do you remember the first type you began to see the clingy behavior in your children?

I have no children. And I'm actually talking about my sister, who is an adult now, but still is clingy. It's been too long, so I honestly can't say when it began. But I started thinking about it today, when I saw this boy who looked to be around 12 being all clingy with his mother, and it brought back memories of my sister who was clingy back then too. My sister still hugs up on family members including myself, until it becomes annoying, and then we push her away. I guess I'm trying to think about what we could've done differently back then to have her out grow it, which sadly she has not even today.

[ssandra]

Instead of trying to improve or change the past for your sister... why not look at yourself? Why is it that you are not physical? Say I love you? Hug? What makes you uncomfortable about hugging? Why do you see people expressing closeness and love through physical interaction as clingy?

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

My family is not touchy-feely. We don't really hug each other, or say I love you. So my levels and other family members' levels for it, are probably pretty low. I and everyone else in my family have always been very independent, so where this is coming from we don't understand.

Well, just because you're like that, it doesn't mean your kids are. Maybe they're craving hugs and 'I love you's. Maybe they see their friends, or kids on TV getting that, and they're trying to substitute their desire for that kind of security with time and closeness?

[rei]

Family patterns where there is not much physical contact does not mean a child won't still want it. There can be a *very* strong unconscious desire to feel physical closeness and connection, which can be expressed as either what you call clingy behavior or repulsiveness to that.

[Angela]

Send her and her kids over to my family gatherings. In my family, the prevailing attitude is one that someone who DOESN'T want to be hugged up by us is all messed up.

And the cure? Lots of getting hugged up.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

How do you get children to stop being so clingy? By clingy, I mean children who always want to be with their parents. Do you cater to their need of being with you (the parent/s), or do try discouraging it. For example, if you have a 12 year who wants to sleep with you, do you allow them or tell them no? I should also mention that when I say children I'm talking about older kids around 8 and above.

Do they have more than one parent?

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Instead of trying to improve or change the past for your sister... why not look at yourself? Why is it that you are not physical? Say I love you? Hug? What makes you uncomfortable about hugging? Why do you see people expressing closeness and love through physical interaction as clingy?

I am looking at myself. It's why I asked the question. Personally, I don't feel a person needs to say I love you all the time or constantly hug someone to show that I care about them. Also, I don't think all people who show closeness or physical interaction as clingy, just the examples I've given above. I can't explain it, but if you could see the behavior yourself, clingy or needing closeness would be a way to describe it. To me, it's weird to always want to be with your parents, the older a child gets. I guess you could say my sister and I are totally opposites when it comes needing love and attention. I was always the kid, trying to get away from my parents, while my sister was always trying to be with them.

Originally Posted by Indiana

Well, just because you're like that, it doesn't mean your kids are. Maybe they're craving hugs and 'I love you's. Maybe they see their friends, or kids on TV getting that, and they're trying to substitute their desire for that kind of security with time and closeness?

I have no kids. I get what you're saying. My family spends time together all the time. I guess it just isn't the type of spending time my sister needs. My family and I can be just sitting in a room together, doing different things and feel close together. And then comes my sister, who sits right next to me, she's so close she's practically sitting in my lap. So, I'm like you know there's another chair right over, you could sit in. She responds, but I want to sit next to you, and that's fine, but must you sit that close to me. Gosh, scout over some. It's stuff like that annoys the crap out of me and other family members. To me, she disrupts the whole calm flow going on in the room.

Originally Posted by Angela

Send her and her kids over to my family gatherings. In my family, the prevailing attitude is one that someone who DOESN'T want to be hugged up by us is all messed up.

And the cure? Lots of getting hugged up.

My sister has no children. And haven's you people heard of personal space??

[rei]

By the way, I was not raised in a very affectionate household either. I value my space but when I enjoy someone I like to be close to them too (how close, how long, that changes). I personally became more interested in the touchy-feely at one point, was not always into it in any situation.

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Do they have more than one parent?

The examples I use except for the little boy are in reference to my immediate family, where there's my mom, and grandma. My sister and I would see her father and that side of the family on weekends and other important dates. Growing up, we also had our uncle who helped raised us.

I've asked because I'm curious how others would respond to a kid that needs constant attention, love, care, etc to the point where I would consider it excessive and clingy, and how to possibly get them to outgrow it.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

How do you get children to stop being so clingy?

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

I am looking at myself. It's why I asked the question.

Unless you are really the clingy one, and a child... you are still looking at other people..

I love here in Mexico that children are much more clingy. There are 17 year olds who still hug their mom and enjoy being hugged back. Not just for a bit, but for longer times as well.

Why do you want to know how to stop children from being clingy? If you don't have children yourself, nor your sister has them?

[rei]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

I've asked because I'm curious how others would respond to a kid that needs constant attention, love, care, etc to the point where I would consider it excessive and clingy, and how to possibly get them to outgrow it.

One of my nieces, and occasionally my nephew, can seem a little clingy to me once in a while. I find this goes away when I stop and give them some quality attention. When I'm focused on other things or focused on my dislike of their behavior, it does not flow as smoothly and just creates more tension. When I'm in the moment and I just respond to them with quality attention, they naturally feel valued, and seem fulfilled to a point where they are the ones who move onto doing something else.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

My sister has no children. And haven's you people heard of personal space??

Oh, I'm sorry, I totally misunderstood when you told Dulaney you were talking about your sister... I thought you meant your sister's kids, but you meant your sister herself! Sorry about that. So, we're talking about adult children, yes? People who grew up after being needy children.

It's funny about personal space; although we were all very affectionate, to the point of sitting in one another's laps, etc., we were sprawlers and very territorial. So when I met Danger Man, who has a truly miniscule sense of personal space, I found myself constantly stepping back from his attentions. I'm sure I probably used that same phrase to him: Haven't you heard of personal space?!?

Don't worry; if you ever visit my family we won't force you to be hugadocious. We just find that we have so much schmoopy pleasure and huggalacious fun that even the most die-hard "don't touch me"s can't bear to be left out. And people like your sister won't want to ever leave!

[justhopingandsearching]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Unless you are really the clingy one, and a child... you are still looking at other people..

I love here in Mexico that children are much more clingy. There are 17 year olds who still hug their mom and enjoy being hugged back. Not just for a bit, but for longer times as well.

Why do you want to know how to stop children from being clingy? If you don't have children yourself, nor your sister has them?

Nah, if anything I can be quite cold (don't touch me, why are trying to hug me, please go away and leave me alone), or so my sister likes to tell me. I consider her clingy and she considers me cold, but we love each other (I rarely say it and she says it all the time).

And why can't I be curious about the subject? I like to talk about stuff that relates to children, even though I don't have any.

Originally Posted by rei

One of my nieces, and occasionally my nephew, can seem a little clingy to me once in a while. I find this goes away when I stop and give them some quality attention. When I'm focused on other things or focused on my dislike of their behavior, it does not flow as smoothly and just creates more tension. When I'm in the moment and I just respond to them with quality attention, they naturally feel valued, and seem fulfilled to a point where they are the ones who move onto doing something else.

Ok, cool. I think I'll try this with my sister sometime, when she's being particularly clingy. Of course, it probably weird her out for someone to totally acknowledge her need, but I'll definitively try it.

Originally Posted by Angela

Oh, I'm sorry, I totally misunderstood when you told Dulaney you were talking about your sister... I thought you meant your sister's kids, but you meant your sister herself! Sorry about that. So, we're talking about adult children, yes? People who grew up after being needy children.

It's funny about personal space; although we were all very affectionate, to the point of sitting in one another's laps, etc., we were sprawlers and very territorial. So when I met Danger Man, who has a truly miniscule sense of personal space, I found myself constantly stepping back from his attentions. I'm sure I probably used that same phrase to him: Haven't you heard of personal space?!?

Don't worry; if you ever visit my family we won't force you to be hugadocious. We just find that we have so much schmoopy pleasure and huggalacious fun that even the most die-hard "don't touch me"s can't bear to be left out. And people like your sister won't want to ever leave!

Sorry, I do tend to be vague when I initially post a thread. I like to be vague to gauge how people will respond, and then give more details as needed. And yes, we're talking about my now adult sister, who began the behavior as a child. Once again, I'm sorry but I went back and notice that I am mixing actions of the present and past together.

Yeah, my sister would just love your family, and probably never come back to us.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by rei

By the way, I was not raised in a very affectionate household either. I value my space but when I enjoy someone I like to be close to them too (how close, how long, that changes). I personally became more interested in the touchy-feely at one point, was not always into it in any situation.

I was a bit the same as you, my parents were/are not big huggers/cuddlers/say 'I love you'. Growing up, I always wished for more of that from them. Now I find have an unusually large personal space for people I don't know well and am not too big on people who crowd me. Also, I need a lot of alone-time. But when I'm with my best friends (and their kids), we're practically always in each others' laps, arms hooked together walking down the street or some other form of touch.

I often end calls to close friends / family with 'Okay, I love you, bye!' It took a while before my parents seemed to become comfortable saying it back, but I definitely think it has made us closer now that they do it too.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I was a bit the same as you, my parents were/are not big huggers/cuddlers/say 'I love you'. Growing up, I always wished for more of that from them. Now I find have an unusually large personal space for people I don't know well and am not too big on people who crowd me. Also, I need a lot of alone-time. But when I'm with my best friends (and their kids), we're practically always in each others' laps, arms hooked together walking down the street or some other form of touch.

I often end calls to close friends / family with 'Okay, I love you, bye!' It took a while before my parents seemed to become comfortable saying it back, but I definitely think it has made us closer now that they do it too.

I was just thinking introversion could be part of it, since I know we're both introverted. But yeah, like you, when I am with my best buds or folks I feel a sense of connection with, I like to show that But as I'm getting to know someone I feel connected with, I basically respect their space unless they are interested in hugging and such, and I like a reasonable pace with that (not feeling crowded)... Because I remember not liking it when I felt like my boundaries weren't respected, and because I'm still not incredibly touchy until I feel a connection of some sort. I do think I've gotten much warmer, and I agree folks who aren't used to the affection may not be comfortable with it at first but it does increase the closeness

What's weird is I'm not incredibly touchy unless I know them well, but I still love people and there's almost always some sense of connection going on for me.

[shakra]

Originally Posted by justhopingandsearching

My family is not touchy-feely. We don't really hug each other, or say I love you. So my levels and other family members' levels for it, are probably pretty low. I and everyone else in my family have always been very independent, so where this is coming from we don't understand.

Maybe your children could be Indigo or Crystal children and have been sent to your family to teach you how to love..

Seems that showing love is the one thing that seems alien to your family, yet it is the single most important aspect in the life of every living being.

LOVE. So simple, yet so difficult for some.

[Acting Like Godot]

I wasn't raised in a particularly affectionate family either (I mean, in the hugs & kisses way).

But with my own family now (I mean, my wife and kids), we are very affectionate. Plenty of hugs every day, regular doses of kisses too. (My kids are six & eight).

I don't think that physical affection has anything to do with a lack of independence. My kids are quite independent - but they're still big on hugs and kisses.

Big hug - run away to do their own thing - come back later - big hug - run away to do their own thing. You get the idea.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

I wasn't raised in a particularly affectionate family either (I mean, in the hugs & kisses way).

But with my own family now (I mean, my wife and kids), we are very affectionate. Plenty of hugs every day, regular doses of kisses too. (My kids are six & eight).

I don't think that physical affection has anything to do with a lack of independence. My kids are quite independent - but they're still big on hugs and kisses.

Big hug - run away to do their own thing - come back later - big hug - run away to do their own thing. You get the idea.

And it is because they get their dose of hugs and kisses that they are independent. The clingy ones are usually the ones that have to strive for their parent's love.

My three years old is like your children, very affectionate, loves hugs and kisses, but he loves to play by himself (building train tracks of course ). Because he had aaaallll the love he could wish for from my husband and I, now he can even leave us with a big smile (when we were giving birth to our daughter a couple of months ago he spent his first night away with friends no worries) (or when grandpa and grandma come for a visit and they take him somewhere he is very keen).

Hugs and kisses are great to make a child independent, in a good way, as the child feels secure. A child could be independent because he/she is ignored and understand they are the best they have but that's a messed up way to have them become independent.