About to split from wife, need to get positive

[fjord]

I'm a 34 year guy who's 3 weeks ago decided to finally split from my wife of 5 years. I have two children, 8 months old and nearly 3 years old. It was the hardest decision to make, knowing I'll be separated from my children who I love loads, knowing that I'll be much poorer, living in a small apartment instead of a nice large house, and the kids having to move into a similar place with their mum. Oh, and I live in Norway where I don't speak the language, and can't move out to be near family, because of the kids.

The decision to separate was based on us being incompatible - our approach to raising kids and family life was far too different (if only I'd known before we made kids!).

Anyway, I'm normally into personal development, goal setting and stuff, and am naturally optimistic, but right now I really can't motivate myself to set goals or be positive. My life seems like it's going to get a whole lot worse for quite a while, no matter what my attitude is. I can't see right now any positive aspect to my situation, apart from a distant glimmer of hope in finding someone where mutual love and attraction exists.

I know I'm in a negative state now, and I should get more positive in the future after the initial troubles have worn off.

I'd like to hear if anyone here has been through this before, and come out in a better state. Do you have any tips? I assume all the normal tips apply, such as start dating, socialise etc. But are there any personal development-related ones that are more Steve-esque?

Thanks...

[sinjon123]

I felt really sad when I read this post, must be so hard.

One thing to do, is not sit down and get depressed, or let your self-esteem slip.

Try to re-invent yourself. Treat yourself, go out buy some new clothes, go new places, and be open and try not to close off if youre feeling down or stressed or making transitions.

Maybe try moving where you feel most at home, and have a fresh start and clear the path soon for your future.

Hope this is helpful

[ZHereford]

I can't see right now any positive aspect to my situation, apart from a distant glimmer of hope in finding someone where mutual love and attraction exists...... I assume all the normal tips apply, such as start dating, socialise etc. But are there any personal development-related ones that are more Steve-esque? Thanks...

Actually, dating and looking for someone else so soon after a split is the last thing I would recommend. You probably need to figure out what you really want and why things didn't work out in this relationship.

Making your children a priority right now is a good idea. They are going through difficult times too and need your love and attention. You chose to have them, and now you've split with their mother. My advice is to make sure they are taken care of first.

[MidasGirl]

I just feel that these situations tend to be very different for different people, and it's like men seem to handle it very differently than women. Chances are your wife was already emotionally prepared for this months if not longer before it happened.

I don't feel I could offer adequate advice, other than just try to keep living your life as normally as possible. I wouldn't suggest dating either, that is just going to be rebound as far as I read this. At least take the time to let go of the raw-ness of it all.

Take heart in knowing that many many souls have walked your path. And they came out the other side just fine, and most times stronger, wiser and even happier.

This too shall pass.

[yossarian]

You probably should get a lawyer before you "leave".

Leaving the house is considered child abandonment and will make your life difficult.

Please get a lawyer before acting. There are so many legal issues you are not aware of.

[Cloverhart]

Of course you can't be positive!! This is a huge life change, and it's expected that you be sad and down and out for awhile...my advice would be to know that. It's ok to be sad. Going through a divorce can be like going through all the stages of mourning. Don't expect to be happy right away, take time, process what you're going through, and dear god don't start dating straight away. Good luck

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by yossarian

You probably should get a lawyer before you "leave".

Leaving the house is considered child abandonment and will make your life difficult.

Please get a lawyer before acting. There are so many legal issues you are not aware of.

Errm someone has to leave! You can't expect them to keep living together, can you? Surely if he's helping his wife pay for the kids etc. he isn't abandoning them.

Anyway, to the OP my advice is pretty much the same as most of the others have said. I also wouldn't be looking for another relationship yet, as it's really too early. Just work on yourself, be there for your kids, and try to keep things amicable with your wife.

Oh, and learn Norwegian! I imagine it will be much easier living there on your own if you can speak the language, and it will give you something to focus on

In time you will regain your positivity and optimism, but it will take time, so be patient with yourself.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Errm someone has to leave! You can't expect them to keep living together, can you? Surely if he's helping his wife pay for the kids etc. he isn't abandoning them.

you know nothing of the law

why should he have to leave? He should stay, get the divorce, and make his wife leave. He should keep the kids and the dog.

Whoever leaves the house puts themselves at a massive legal disadvantage.

Men have been socially conditioned to believe they should abandon their own house and children at the first sign of relationship trouble. It's hilariously stupid because it instantly puts them at a legal disadvantage - not to mention material and emotional and so on.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by yossarian

you know nothing of the law

why should he have to leave? He should stay, get the divorce, and make his wife leave. He should keep the kids and the dog.

Whoever leaves the house puts themselves at a massive legal disadvantage.

Men have been socially conditioned to believe they should abandon their own house and children at the first sign of relationship trouble. It's hilariously stupid because it instantly puts them at a legal disadvantage - not to mention material and emotional and so on.

Riiight... so he wants to split up with his wife so he says, "Get out of the house! I'm keeping the kids!" That works well too

Please note: the OP said he had decided to leave his marriage, he didn't say his wife was kicking him out. If he is the one deciding to leave the marriage then him leaving seems fair enough.

Now, I am assuming here that his wife is a decent person and isn't going to take him to the cleaners over this. Some women are real bitches, quite frankly, and make things very hard for their ex-husband, if there was any suggestion that this was the case then maybe he should see a lawyer. But if they are amicable it seems a bit excessive...

Also, the law is different in different countries. I'm fairly sure that in Australia (where I live) it isn't considered "child abandonment" for a guy to leave his house when he leaves his marriage. I don't know about Norway. However, I'm pretty certain that in most countries in the world a guy can't tell his wife to piss off and leave the house because he wants a divorce!

[fjord]

Hey, thanks for the views. Certainly in Norway divorce is fair and whoever leaves first is not at a disadvantage. You also don't need a lawyer as it's all laid out in law. You only need one if the couple really can't agree on things.

I'm not sure about the not starting relationships thing - I think if you're ready, you're ready. Of course, I wouldn't be aiming for a serious, long term one immediately! I don't see the harm in it.

[butterflyeffect]

Hey,

I get that your in a really difficult space right now but even though I haven't been married and divorced I've gone through some interesting experiences and I think there is a different way to view the upcoming changes. Obviously though you know yourself best and these ideas are just that.

The thing is I am going through a divorce of sorts, i'm ending a five year relationship with my eating disorder. As ridiculous as it sounds I have learnt a bit about how to survive a difficult break up.

I have found it very helpful to clear out any clutter from my life, old books, clothing, furniture and CDs, anything that I don't use. I am always clearing out my room to make new for my life. Its cathartic to get rid of all the clutter. You feel free-er. Think of the new change as an opportunity to get in touch with yourself and fall in love with you.

You also have to clear out the mental clutter. The upset, the trauma, any negative memories or emotions that you are hanging onto are holding you back. Let go. How you do it that is the hard part. I like to write about and share the content on a public forum, air all my secrets. Maybe you would prefer to see a therapist, talk to us, me or a trusted friend. Keep a journal. The important thing here is you reflect on your marriage, your life and your current situation and let go of any angst and frustration. Once you accept where you are now you can start to change it, until then your stuck in denial. Read: miserable.

Once you clear out all the junk from your life you need to replace it with new interests and habbits. Do something mindful like yoga, meditation or bushwalking. I reccomend doing something where you feel grounded and takes you out of your head. Your body will be knotted up in tension, as part of getting positive start to heal your body as well. Go for a massage every fortnight and start stretching out all your muscles. Start to be able to release some of the tension and sadness.

Your about to begin a new and exciting journey. Your free of an unfufilling relationship. You should try and connect with people who uplift you, join a sporting team, a support group, a dinner group or do some volunteer work. Anything, just make sure you spend time with other people and feel as if you belong.