Incessant Talking about Himself

[LuxEterna]

Hi,

Does anyone know why can't a person stop talking about himself?

I'm dating a person who I really like but I found myself drained because he enjoys talking about himself, his family, his hometown, his work, his company.

I wonder how come he has so much to talk about.

By contrast I am a quiet passive person. So my passivity means he gets the space to yak and yak.

I am wondering how I am responsible for this situation. I am consider whether I should drop this guy even though he is a great person in other areas?

Or is there a way for me to protect my space so that I will not be drained by his non-stop talking?

Is non stop talking a form of attention seeking? Is it that he was not given enough attention when he was a child?

Thanks for your views.

[granted]

See my recent thread for some pointers

[elucidate]

I find people who talk about themselves all the time and never ask a thing about me or my life, are just really boring! I wouldn't spend too much time in the company of such a person, and let him drain me this way. Someone else can listen to him...and if you do drop him, believe me, he will find someone else to replace you pretty quickly. As long as he is talking about himself, he doesn't really care who is listening, as long as someone is.

Originally Posted by LuxEterna

Hi,

Does anyone know why can't a person stop talking about himself?

I'm dating a person who I really like but I found myself drained because he enjoys talking about himself, his family, his hometown, his work, his company.

I wonder how come he has so much to talk about.

By contrast I am a quiet passive person. So my passivity means he gets the space to yak and yak.

I am wondering how I am responsible for this situation. I am consider whether I should drop this guy even though he is a great person in other areas?

Or is there a way for me to protect my space so that I will not be drained by his non-stop talking?

Is non stop talking a form of attention seeking? Is it that he was not given enough attention when he was a child?

Thanks for your views.

[granted]

Originally Posted by elucidate

and if you do drop him, believe me, he will find someone else to replace you pretty quickly. As long as he is talking about himself, he doesn't really care who is listening, as long as someone is.

True.

[MidasGirl]

I wouldn't wanna date somebody that drains me. I tend to be an energy absorber, my "receptors" are very open. I used to wonder why I would feel so fatigued or anxious etc around certain people until I read an article about energy absorbers. Erin wrote a blog about energy vampires. You should be able to find it in her forum.

[Brutha]

Have you tried talking with him about it?

[granted]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Have you tried talking with him about it?

Good question actually!

[LuxEterna]

i'll bring it up this sat when we meet.

[rei]

Yeah, before you scratch the relationship I would also suggest talking about it.

Or learn to advocate for yourself in these situations. If his rambling starts to get to you, think of a topic you would enjoy discussing and when he pauses to take a breath, bring up that topic. You can even say, "Hey I know this may be random, but what do you think about x?"

He may not know this bothers you if you say nothing. I much prefer that a person directly communicates with me instead of assuming I know they don't like something or expecting me to read their mind (despite my services listed in my sig I don't really do that ). Yes, I prefer this even with a passive type of person because I do not like how often resentment comes with that, and it is unfair to me to have someone resentful when I have not even heard from them that a situation gets to them.

You might be surprised how well it could work out to have an actual conversation with him about this. It can be even more effective to focus on how it feels, as it's hard to argue with feelings. So something like, "When we end up having a conversation about your life and your interests, I feel annoyed. I feel annoyed by this because I am unsure whether you have any interest in learning about me if we are focused on talking about you. I feel less valued when this happens. I wanted to express how it feels for me and see whether you are interested in brainstorming some options for this that will be satisfying for both of us."

(That is not perfect but is the general formula of communication that tends to be more effective.)

[joelr]

That is draining. I was with someone like that for about 3 months fairly recently. It's cool at first because there is always non-stop conversation going and she was like "wow I'm so comfortable around you, blah blah...", because she could talk freely.
I didn't do anything about it, I felt like trying to mold her into what worked for me was not an option. I've already been married, you need to feel very comfortable with whomever you choose for a life partner. It's relatively easy to tell someone early on that although you enjoy dating them you don't feel it's a good mix for a LTR. Then it fizzles and you say "whats up!" on Facebook once in a while.
There was a little drama actually, but whatever. Then you meet someone you really click with and you think "whew, glad I held out".

There are too many variables to say anything for sure. Everyone is coming from a different place so it's hard to say.
Some people are afraid to end a relationship out of fear of being alone or not meeting someone else while others are expert daters and can really say "this guy is a keeper" or "next" with certainty.

The more I learn the less I know. Eventually I'm going to know everything and nothing.

[MidasGirl]

The problem with these kinds of situations is that people ignore the signs at their own peril.

When I first met my ex-hubs, he was more or less like that. Not incessant talking but always turning the conversation around to himself. Nothing wrong with people talking about themselves (we all do) but what bothered me was the negative slant. He was the perpetual "wronged child". But he was a kind and giving person. But I'd never seen someone with such a lack of presence, poor thing. Couldn't tell the difference between when I was listening or not. Or what topic would send me right to sleep.

Anyway, my point is, if it's bothering you now, it's only going to get amplified when the relationship is firmed up and you no longer feel a need to be polite to each other. For me, I got to the point where I had to snap, I don't wanna listen to that **** anymore. Tell it to someone else. It shouldn't ever have to get there. Then we stopped talking completely.

I don't know about you, but I choose to be around people that uplift me, not people that bring me down. If I want that I'll watch the news.

[LuxEterna]

thank you all. esp Midasgirl, Rei and Elucidate, Bru,

What you say is food for thought. I'll mull over them until I next meet him.

What elucidate say make sense, that he is too needy for attention to even notice who i am. No wonder I felt that even t hough he wanted my company, I do not feel valued. He is too busy talking about himself to notice who i am. I deserve better.

Midasgirl, thanks. you are right. I shall listen to the warning signs that my intuition and feelings are telling me.

Rei, brutha, Yup, I will put more effort into communicating my needs. It is because I didn't communicate and allowed my energy to be taken away, thus this situation had happened. Next time, I will have to stand up for myself and protect my space and energy from incessant talkers.

[ssandra]

You (and most other people here) are making a lot of assumptions.

I don't know how long you are seeing him, but maybe he is just nervous? You have those people who cannot take silence very well, so they just talk about whatever to fill the silence.

If you really like him, talk to him about it. See if he sees it as a problem as well so you can both work on communication (he on talking less, you maybe on talking a bit more?)

But don't take decisions based on assumptions.. not without asking him first...

[rei]

Originally Posted by LuxEterna

thank you all. esp Midasgirl, Rei and Elucidate, Bru,

What you say is food for thought. I'll mull over them until I next meet him.

What elucidate say make sense, that he is too needy for attention to even notice who i am. No wonder I felt that even t hough he wanted my company, I do not feel valued. He is too busy talking about himself to notice who i am. I deserve better.

Midasgirl, thanks. you are right. I shall listen to the warning signs that my intuition and feelings are telling me.

Rei, brutha, Yup, I will put more effort into communicating my needs. It is because I didn't communicate and allowed my energy to be taken away, thus this situation had happened. Next time, I will have to stand up for myself and protect my space and energy from incessant talkers.

Hmm, it sounds like you are adding a bit to my response that I did not say. I did not say lose him and apply this to the next guy (though maybe you did not mean it that way). I suggested speaking with him about this situation to see if things can be worked out. None of us here know all the details and as ssandra said, lots of people talk more about anything when they are nervous. I would not personally consider this a deal-breaker if I liked the guy aside from this behavior. Or, I would give it a chance after talking about it to see if things shifted. If we talked about it and nothing changed or he did not even seem to care about how the behavior made me feel, then yeah I would not keep putting a lot of time into it... but I would want to discuss it first if I liked him otherwise.

[Plays With Life]

If it were me, I might try suggesting what I want in some interesting ways - ie, some relaxed time with the person that doesn't involve talking.

"Let's sit quietly for a little while"
"How about you just lay and relax, and I give you a massage"
"How about I just lay and relax, and you give me a massage"

And if he starts talking and you don't like it, you could express what you want in that moment - "I really want to focus on what I'm doing - let's leave the talking for later."

My thinking here is - express what you want, rather than criticize / question what he's doing. Also, simply asking "why" can seem innocuous - but it's easy for that question to feel like a criticism. I tend to avoid asking a person "why" they did something. It implies that what they're doing doesn't make sense / isn't sensible. Or MAY not be sensible. (if it was sensible, there wouldn't be any need to question it, right?) And that can just create unwanted friction / defensiveness.

You could also take a more direct, confronting approach -

"You sure talk a lot."
"I don't enjoy listening to you talk so constantly."

Or -

"You know, I really enjoy when I'm able to sit comfortably with a person in silence."

[outback]

Originally Posted by LuxEterna

Hi,

Does anyone know why can't a person stop talking about himself?

I'm dating a person who I really like but I found myself drained because he enjoys talking about himself, his family, his hometown, his work, his company.

I wonder how come he has so much to talk about.

By contrast I am a quiet passive person. So my passivity means he gets the space to yak and yak.

I am wondering how I am responsible for this situation. I am consider whether I should drop this guy even though he is a great person in other areas?

Or is there a way for me to protect my space so that I will not be drained by his non-stop talking?

Is non stop talking a form of attention seeking? Is it that he was not given enough attention when he was a child?

Thanks for your views.

[elucidate]

I don't think it's an assumption at all. The OP stated clearly that the person she has been seeing speaks about himself constantly...this doesn't indicate nervousness to me, it indicates self-centredness.

Even a nervous person knows when to switch the conversation onto a different topic...like the other person for example. Some people are just very self-centred, and aren't interested in anyone else but themselves...which is boring to be around!

If he were talking non-stop about random things, then I would agree with you, but people who talk about themselves, in my experience, are just not interested in anything else, because they are so wrapped up in themselves! Nervous people are usually at least aware of the fact that they are rambling on about themselves, and will try and change the subject, at some point!

I agree with PWL strategies for how to take direct action here though!

Originally Posted by ssandra

You (and most other people here) are making a lot of assumptions.

I don't know how long you are seeing him, but maybe he is just nervous? You have those people who cannot take silence very well, so they just talk about whatever to fill the silence.

If you really like him, talk to him about it. See if he sees it as a problem as well so you can both work on communication (he on talking less, you maybe on talking a bit more?)

But don't take decisions based on assumptions.. not without asking him first...

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I don't think it's an assumption at all. The OP stated clearly that the person she has been seeing speaks about himself constantly...this doesn't indicate nervousness to me, it indicates self-centredness.

It is still an assumption, because you don't know the other person. You also don't know what they are thinking and what they are like.

What if this person doesn't know any other topic then himself, his work, his company, his family?

I'm not saying that that IS the case. I'm just saying that until the OP asks... we don't know...

Personally I prefer to err on the side of caution in these cases, or in any case where an assumption has to be made (since none of us are mind readers, as far as I know ).
So, if I have to think something about somebody that exists entirely in my head, one way or another, I prefer this is something positive, until a negative has been proven (by asking for example, or by continued behavior even after talking about it).

[elucidate]

I agree with what you are saying for the most part. It is always better to not assume that you know what the person is really thinking etc. It's just that in my experience, people who talk about nothing else but themselves are boring to be around...whether they are just nervous and don't know how to talk about anything else!

If the OP likes this person enough to give them a chance and find out if there is more to them than just narcisisstic ramblings, then it may prove fruitful...then again it may be just as it seems?

Originally Posted by ssandra

It is still an assumption, because you don't know the other person. You also don't know what they are thinking and what they are like.

What if this person doesn't know any other topic then himself, his work, his company, his family?

I'm not saying that that IS the case. I'm just saying that until the OP asks... we don't know...

Personally I prefer to err on the side of caution in these cases, or in any case where an assumption has to be made (since none of us are mind readers, as far as I know ).
So, if I have to think something about somebody that exists entirely in my head, one way or another, I prefer this is something positive, until a negative has been proven (by asking for example, or by continued behavior even after talking about it).

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by elucidate

If the OP likes this person enough to give them a chance and find out if there is more to them than just narcisisstic ramblings, then it may prove fruitful...then again it may be just as it seems?

True, it might be as it seems

For me, taking the 10 or 20 minutes to talk about it, and giving it a week or so to see change..? Worth a potentially good relationship or friendship

You can always walk away later

[elucidate]

Or run

Originally Posted by ssandra

True, it might be as it seems

For me, taking the 10 or 20 minutes to talk about it, and giving it a week or so to see change..? Worth a potentially good relationship or friendship

You can always walk away later

[ohTen]

I ended a 10-year friendship because the person became such a drag to talk to. Their talking about themselves was a habit that gradually worsened over time, and when it finally reached the point where they were cutting me off when I tried to change the topic, I said I'd had enough. Let them go find other people who are more patient. I personally can't deal with it.

I curb my desire to talk about myself by writing about myself. That way, people only have to listen to my self-absorbed yammering if they want to

[MidasGirl]

My experience with these kind of people is not only do they only want to talk about themselves all the time, they get irritated if the conversation turns to anyone/something else. As long as you're telling them how great they are, paying attention to them, you're friends. it gets really tiring. It's a like ****ing disease.

Sorry to complain.

[elucidate]

It IS a disorder...called malignant Narcisisstic personality disorder! Look it up, it's endemic these days.

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

My experience with these kind of people is not only do they only want to talk about themselves all the time, they get irritated if the conversation turns to anyone/something else. As long as you're telling them how great they are, paying attention to them, you're friends. it gets really tiring. It's a like ****ing disease.

Sorry to complain.

[theuprising]

lol I find myself doing this, I forget to ask questions, simply b/c some stuff in charisma arts I learned said to talk in "I" statements. They never said ask questions b/c they thought it was a given, but that's why I never internalized asking questions (unless I have nothing to say on a topic)