Is sexual bondage detrimental? (adult)

[Valkyrie]

Warning: mature topic.

What do you all think about bdsm, specifically bondage, like being tied up, blindfolded, etc? My partner and I participate in bondage on occasion, and quite frankly, I love it.

Normally, we share responsibilities equally. In fact, I'm probably the bossy one. But when we engage in this activity, I love submitting to him for both of our pleasure. I love the feeling of being restrained, being the object of his attention, and the physical pleasure it brings. I like a certain amount of pain, but nothing extreme. He loves the aesthetics and sounds of me in this condition, and enjoys the fact that I enjoy it. I think it helps him express masculinity as well, in a world where masculinity is sometimes difficult to express.

What I'm interested in knowing people's opinions on is whether this can be detrimental to personal growth. I like the activity, but I'm having doubts whether it is good for me and him in the long run. Is it detrimental to personal growth to desire being tied down and controlled? Is it detrimental to act on a desire to tie someone down and control them (assuming they like it)?

[Cloverhart]

If you both enjoy it then it can't possibly be detrimental..we are all built differently with different preferences, just go for it and don't worry so much!!

[openeyes]

I have a number of friends that go to kink parties and enjoy it. I don't see it as harmful in and of itself. If you begin seeing signs of physical/emotional harm then it'd be time to reevaluate, but otherwise it's just good "dirty" fun

[AtomicAnt]

I certainly understand the notion if it feels GOOD to you, do it.

But I don't understand how this a positive action. What is the purpose? Are you trying to create mock suffering? Define it any way you want. I can't see anyway that it will help your spirit. You are reenacting brutality, rape, almost murder. How in the world do you think that won't effect your spirit in a DISconnected way?

[anniecooper]

I love it.
We take turns though, sometimes hes the rough nasty one, usually i am though.

I don't think,for my relationship, its going to be detrimental. I kinda feel like we are closer now we share that kind of a role in the bedroom.
I don't feel so scared to stand up to him outside of it now...
Im a really sexually based kind of girl though. I guess its just personal.

[pjhaggerty]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

Warning: mature topic.

What do you all think about bdsm, specifically bondage, like being tied up, blindfolded, etc? My partner and I participate in bondage on occasion, and quite frankly, I love it.

Normally, we share responsibilities equally. In fact, I'm probably the bossy one. But when we engage in this activity, I love submitting to him for both of our pleasure. I love the feeling of being restrained, being the object of his attention, and the physical pleasure it brings. I like a certain amount of pain, but nothing extreme. He loves the aesthetics and sounds of me in this condition, and enjoys the fact that I enjoy it. I think it helps him express masculinity as well, in a world where masculinity is sometimes difficult to express.

What I'm interested in knowing people's opinions on is whether this can be detrimental to personal growth. I like the activity, but I'm having doubts whether it is good for me and him in the long run. Is it detrimental to personal growth to desire being tied down and controlled? Is it detrimental to act on a desire to tie someone down and control them (assuming they like it)?

It would appear to me to be a growth neutral activity. I would perceive it to be potentially both detrimental and beneficial to your long term growth.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

What do you all think about bdsm, specifically bondage, like being tied up, blindfolded, etc? My partner and I participate in bondage on occasion, and quite frankly, I love it.

I think it's Oh So Yummy.

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

What I'm interested in knowing people's opinions on is whether this can be detrimental to personal growth. I like the activity, but I'm having doubts whether it is good for me and him in the long run. Is it detrimental to personal growth to desire being tied down and controlled? Is it detrimental to act on a desire to tie someone down and control them (assuming they like it)?

It can be excellent for growth -
for self-acceptance (accepting drives that are primal and not oft-explored)
for self-exploration (exploring yourself in roles you don't normally take on in your every day life; exploring states you haven't experienced before)
for emotional health (having a safe space with a person you trust to explore and master your emotions around some particular types of experiences)

I know lots of people feel they achieve a sense of personal empowerment triggered by going through an exploration of this sort of thing.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

I certainly understand the notion if it feels GOOD to you, do it.

But I don't understand how this a positive action. What is the purpose? Are you trying to create mock suffering? Define it any way you want. I can't see anyway that it will help your spirit. You are reenacting brutality, rape, almost murder. How in the world do you think that won't effect your spirit in a DISconnected way?

Because it is not coming from a place of hurt and suffering. It is coming from a place of love, self-acceptance and enjoyment. How can that not be a CONNECT in every way to source?

Source / God / Spirit, what have you, is about joy. And for certain people there is nothing as enjoyable as bondage.. so how can that be bad?

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

But I don't understand how this a positive action. What is the purpose? Are you trying to create mock suffering? Define it any way you want. I can't see anyway that it will help your spirit. You are reenacting brutality, rape, almost murder. How in the world do you think that won't effect your spirit in a DISconnected way?

What is the purpose of an actor playing the role of the "bad guy" in a movie? Is it a detriment to their spirit?

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

What I'm interested in knowing people's opinions on is whether this can be detrimental to personal growth. I like the activity, but I'm having doubts whether it is good for me and him in the long run. Is it detrimental to personal growth to desire being tied down and controlled? Is it detrimental to act on a desire to tie someone down and control them (assuming they like it)?

No. Not saying I'm into all the crazy stuff, but I "see" why some people might even want to go the extra mile. I think it contributes to personal growth. Unless you're allowing yourself to feel guilty because society tells you it's taboo. If you're not harming anyone, and all concerned are adult, willing and happy participants, how is it hindering personal growth?

If you aren't completely free of guilt in doing it, then perhaps that is the way in which it is hindering your growth.

[Valkyrie]

Originally Posted by Cloverhart

If you both enjoy it then it can't possibly be detrimental..we are all built differently with different preferences, just go for it and don't worry so much!!

Thanks.

I'm not so sure that logic is sound, though. Something can certainly be enjoyable but detrimental in the long term.

If, for example, we both enjoyed excessive alcohol drinking, that would still be detrimental in the long term. Now I'm not comparing bondage to excessive drinking, I'm just giving an example.

Originally Posted by AtomicAnt

I certainly understand the notion if it feels GOOD to you, do it.

But I don't understand how this a positive action. What is the purpose? Are you trying to create mock suffering? Define it any way you want. I can't see anyway that it will help your spirit. You are reenacting brutality, rape, almost murder. How in the world do you think that won't effect your spirit in a DISconnected way?

I'm glad I got a number of different opinions here.

To answer,

The purpose is to have fun. I enjoy the feeling, he enjoys me, and it dramatically increases sexual pleasure. (Mature point ahead...): It increases how easy it is for me to have an orgasm and the intensity of it. Plus, we even do it without sex sometimes. It causes an adrenaline rush, and is playful.

I wouldn't necessarily say we are trying to create mock suffering. While tied up, I am not suffering for the majority of the time (and when I am, it's controlled and enjoyable). We have different levels or environments that we participate in.

For example, sometimes he ties me up, is really sweet, treats me wonderfully, gives me messages, tickles, and makes love to me with as much pleasure as possible. If I'm bound and can't anticipate what he's going to do, it increases the pleasure.

Other times we make it rough, I'm bound, and he roughs me up a little bit, or pushes my limits somewhat. Things like nibbling, slapping, hair pulling, the roughness of the restraints themselves, and that sort of thing.

Other times we do extended sub/dom scenarios. He'll have me lightly bound (perhaps just my hands in front), and if I'm good, I get to stay that way, and if I'm bad, I may loose more freedom like maybe he'll tie me up further, or maybe I'll receive some pain.

Or sometimes we do role playing, though usually not too involved. It sounds like we do it a lot, though it's not as often as it sounds. The majority of our intimacy is not about bondage.

We don't participate in anything humiliating or gross, as neither of us enjoy that. I mean, one could say that being tied up is humiliating in itself, but I don't think so. And while everyone has an idea of what is "extreme", we definitely don't go as far as many other people do. Nothing extremely painful.

And he never does it from a place of hate. He's a very nice person, very cultured, very respectful of women. He only does it because he knows I like it, he enjoys it, and we have fun. It's acting on his part, as he loves me the whole time. Sometimes I initiate the activity, and sometimes he does, but it's always consensual.

In some ways it has taken a lot of growth. At first we were both a bit shameful about it. He was embarrassed that he had this desire, and I was scared about revealing so much of myself and releasing so much control. But we clicked with it right away. The positives (besides pleasure and fun) I can think of are that, for me, it's an expression of complete trust and love in him. For him, he gets to express freedom and masculinity. He gets satisfaction from giving me satisfaction. He thinks of up various ways to provide pleasure during the activity. He gets home from a tough day at a white collar job, but then gets to be thought of as a naughty, sexy beast.

Originally Posted by anniecooper

I love it.
We take turns though, sometimes hes the rough nasty one, usually i am though.

I don't think,for my relationship, its going to be detrimental. I kinda feel like we are closer now we share that kind of a role in the bedroom.
I don't feel so scared to stand up to him outside of it now...
Im a really sexually based kind of girl though. I guess its just personal.

We tried taking turns a few times. After the first several times I was sub, I suggested I be the dominant one, and we tried that a few times. I'm glad we tried it, but it didn't really click. He doesn't enjoy being restrained as much as I do, and I don't like being the dominant one as much as he does.

I think we balance it out because when we are not doing this activity, we are completely equal, and if anything I'm probably the bossier one. I take more of a lead with a lot of other activities, as he's really relaxed and I'm usually more focused on things.

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

No. Not saying I'm into all the crazy stuff, but I "see" why some people might even want to go the extra mile. I think it contributes to personal growth. Unless you're allowing yourself to feel guilty because society tells you it's taboo. If you're not harming anyone, and all concerned are adult, willing and happy participants, how is it hindering personal growth?

If you aren't completely free of guilt in doing it, then perhaps that is the way in which it is hindering your growth.

I wouldn't say it's guilt, or worrying about what society thinks. I'm just looking for honest opinions. I'm not going to change just because society thinks its wrong, but I will listen to all opinions and see which ones make the most sense to me.

Sometimes I feel like it may conflict with my sense of equal genders, feminism. I feel like I get to express femininity in these activities by teasing him, flirting, playing coy, letting him take the lead, and so forth. And I feel like he gets to express masculinity by exploring his rougher side, displaying confidence, all while it is accepted and encouraged. But I'm sometimes wondering whether these thoughts of gender expressions are the negative aspects and shouldn't be encouraged. I don't think so, but sometimes I'm more philosophical about it and want to discuss.

Thanks for all the posts!

[elucidate]

Your last post was really interesting for me to read. I enjoyed it immensely , thanks

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

Sometimes I feel like it may conflict with my sense of equal genders, feminism. I feel like I get to express femininity in these activities by teasing him, flirting, playing coy, letting him take the lead, and so forth. And I feel like he gets to express masculinity by exploring his rougher side, displaying confidence, all while it is accepted and encouraged. But I'm sometimes wondering whether these thoughts of gender expressions are the negative aspects and shouldn't be encouraged. I don't think so, but sometimes I'm more philosophical about it and want to discuss.

I've read of many that have had a desire to be submissive but felt a discord with how they were conditioned to believe in feminism, equality, and so on. The same for men that want to be dominant. Maybe you should think more about your desires and whether or not you and your partner want to express it more even outside the bedroom and in everyday life. If you think about it the ideologies that women and men should be either equal or unequal in a relationship is just that: ideologies. It is not dynamics that have been proven to be superior to each other. Having unequal roles in the bedroom or in a relationship doesn't mean that one role is better than the other, just being in an administrative position in a company isn't better than being an engineer, for example. They both need each other.

Just because equal relationships is the PC thing right now doesn't mean that it is the best solution for everybody.

[elucidate]

But isn't it possible the roles can merge after a while so that there is no longer a distinction between bedroom role play and their roles outside of the bedroom? Like if one partner is used to playing the part of the dominant one, can this not confuse them so that they become unpleasantly dominant in real life?

Originally Posted by Elrond

I've read of many that have had a desire to be submissive but felt a discord with how they were conditioned to believe in feminism, equality, and so on. The same for men that want to be dominant. Maybe you should think more about your desires and whether or not you and your partner want to express it more even outside the bedroom and in everyday life. If you think about it the ideologies that women and men should be either equal or unequal in a relationship is just that: ideologies. It is not dynamics that have been proven to be superior to each other. Having unequal roles in the bedroom or in a relationship doesn't mean that one role is better than the other, just being in an administrative position in a company isn't better than being an engineer, for example. They both need each other.

Just because equal relationships is the PC thing right now doesn't mean that it is the best solution for everybody.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

Sometimes I feel like it may conflict with my sense of equal genders, feminism. !

Are you enjoying yourselves? Do you both like it? Are you careful not to kill each other? lol

Who cares about equal genders in your bedroom? It's your bedroom. You make the rules.

I just wouldn't participate in anything that makes me uncomfortable, or turned off, or grossed out, or unethical to me.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by elucidate

But isn't it possible the roles can merge after a while so that there is no longer a distinction between bedroom role play and their roles outside of the bedroom? Like if one partner is used to playing the part of the dominant one, can this not confuse them so that they become unpleasantly dominant in real life?

Not if they are conscious of their play, which is sounds like they are

Only if people are unconscious that they are playing power games could this spill over with unwanted effects to outside the bedroom

Otherwise, sure it could spill over but they have good communications, know what they both want, and enjoy. So if one of them is not ok with the outside of the bedroom play, they can communicate about that.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Elrond

I've read of many that have had a desire to be submissive but felt a discord with how they were conditioned to believe in feminism, equality, and so on.

I think people misunderstand it a bit. I want a relationship of equals. Meaning equal human beings. I'm not anybody's 'less than' or 'more than'. I'm not inferior or superior to anyone. But roles are a completely different thing.

Feminism gets a bad rap while it's really about getting people to treat you with dignity and respect as an equal human being. It's about helping people feel empowered to make choices that cause them to feel their best and highest. And that includes making sexual choices that work for each person.

Maybe it isn't presented in the best way sometimes, but feminism rocks!

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by elucidate

But isn't it possible the roles can merge after a while so that there is no longer a distinction between bedroom role play and their roles outside of the bedroom? Like if one partner is used to playing the part of the dominant one, can this not confuse them so that they become unpleasantly dominant in real life?

I don't have any personal experience on this matter fyi. Sure why not. But I think the best approach would be to examine it consciously and discuss how they feel that they want to express themselves.

About your example, of course that can happen, or he can become dominant to a degree of great pleasure of both parties. Or she can become so passive that he gets annoyed by it. Or she gets so passive that she gets thrilled from just going with the flow while he discovers a deep urge to lead her. It's all relative. A person can be seen as confident and outgoing and by another as intrusive and domineering. For example.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

I think people misunderstand it a bit. I want a relationship of equals. Meaning equal human beings. I'm not anybody's 'less than' or 'more than'. I'm not inferior or superior to anyone. But roles are a completely different thing.

Feminism gets a bad rap while it's really about getting people to treat you with dignity and respect as an equal human being. It's about helping people feel empowered to make choices that cause them to feel their best and highest. And that includes making sexual choices that work for each person.

Maybe it isn't presented in the best way sometimes, but feminism rocks!

Feminism started out as being about equal rights but for many it has gone far off track into misandry. There are still people that believe in equal rights but there are also many feminists that preach man-hating, gynocentricity and so on. You could say that well feminism is so and so because of the original intent or the dictionary, but in practice there are many women and men that call themselves feminists that aren't about equal rights but want to lobby for womens rights at mens detriment.

But that's a whole other discussion.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by elucidate

But isn't it possible the roles can merge after a while so that there is no longer a distinction between bedroom role play and their roles outside of the bedroom? Like if one partner is used to playing the part of the dominant one, can this not confuse them so that they become unpleasantly dominant in real life?

Or pleasantly dominant, 24/7.

[Valkyrie]

Originally Posted by Elrond

I've read of many that have had a desire to be submissive but felt a discord with how they were conditioned to believe in feminism, equality, and so on. The same for men that want to be dominant. Maybe you should think more about your desires and whether or not you and your partner want to express it more even outside the bedroom and in everyday life. If you think about it the ideologies that women and men should be either equal or unequal in a relationship is just that: ideologies. It is not dynamics that have been proven to be superior to each other. Having unequal roles in the bedroom or in a relationship doesn't mean that one role is better than the other, just being in an administrative position in a company isn't better than being an engineer, for example. They both need each other.

Just because equal relationships is the PC thing right now doesn't mean that it is the best solution for everybody.

I'm definitely not into having an unequal relationship outside of the activity, and he is not either. We both typically control the areas of our life we are better or more skilled at, and the idea of a 24/7 power exchange is not something I have any desire for at all.

Originally Posted by elucidate

But isn't it possible the roles can merge after a while so that there is no longer a distinction between bedroom role play and their roles outside of the bedroom? Like if one partner is used to playing the part of the dominant one, can this not confuse them so that they become unpleasantly dominant in real life?

So far it has not. I guess you'd have to know him to know that he's really not an unpleasantly dominant person. He's no pansy, but he's a really relaxed, respectful, quiet, intelligent man. If I ever saw a sign otherwise, we'd have a big talk about it, but there is no hint of anything spilling over, and we are always in constant communication.

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Are you enjoying yourselves? Do you both like it? Are you careful not to kill each other? lol

Who cares about equal genders in your bedroom? It's your bedroom. You make the rules.

I just wouldn't participate in anything that makes me uncomfortable, or turned off, or grossed out, or unethical to me.

Well I guess the answer is that I care. Not so much about what other people do, but about what I do. I enjoy this activity and so far it's only been positive, but just philosophically I wonder whether it internally contradicts some things. Overall I believe that it does not, but it is an occasional question in the back of my mind so I've enjoyed discussing it here.

In some ways, the sub has the power, because she or he can set the limits and they are unbreakable. My partner knows a list of things that he cannot do (and from discussing it does not want to do anyway, so that's good), and those things were set by me.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Cloverhart

If you both enjoy it then it can't possibly be detrimental..we are all built differently with different preferences, just go for it and don't worry so much!!

I would enjoy having a ton of attention from other men but it's really not healthy for many reasons.

I think inflicting pain on another for excitement is dysfunctional and abusive.

[Valkyrie]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I would enjoy having a ton of attention from other men but it's really not healthy for many reasons.

I think inflicting pain on another for excitement is dysfunctional and abusive.

I think inflicting pain on someone who doesn't want it is dysfunctional and abusive. But if mild pain is a part of pleasure for someone, then I don't view it like that. Is it abusive if all parties involved enjoy it?

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

I think inflicting pain on someone who doesn't want it is dysfunctional and abusive. But if mild pain is a part of pleasure for someone, then I don't view it like that. Is it abusive if all parties involved enjoy it?

Yes, I believe so. I remember when I used to self-harm and the enjoyment I received from it. I was hurting myself, but at the same time I had a sense of satisfaction from my actions.

There's a lot more information that is needed: is there abuse in the person's past? Does this person struggle with intimacy/self-esteem issues? Does this person associate pain and closeness from past events in childhood? How frequent does the person want pain in sexual situations? Is the reason an unconscious punishment due to self-hate? Is the motivation to push away a loved one?

[Valkyrie]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Yes, I believe so. I remember when I used to self-harm and the enjoyment I received from it. I was hurting myself, but at the same time I had a sense of satisfaction from my actions.

If you're referring to cutting, then that causes damage. It is often associated with depression, and temporary relief from it. It can cause real damage.

There's a lot more information that is needed: is there abuse in the person's past? Does this person struggle with intimacy/self-esteem issues? Does this person associate pain and closeness from past events in childhood? How frequent does the person want pain in sexual situations? Is the reason an unconscious punishment due to self-hate? Is the motivation to push away a loved one?

Are these directed at me to answer, or....? You phrased it so third-person-like it's hard to tell.

-Neither of us have been abused. I haven't, and from knowing him and his family and about his childhood, I don't believe he has either. I do not struggle with intimacy/self-esteem issues. I mean, of course like most people I have self-doubt at times, but I consider myself a pretty confident person. In fact if anything, being restrained at times has led me to become more intimate and confident. I don't think childhood has anything to do with what we do, at least not for me. How frequent? Not too often. I'm probably tied up about once or twice per month, and less than half of those are kind of rough. But it's not so spread out like that. Sometimes we don't do it for a while, and then sometimes we do it a few times in succession. I don't think I self-hate or that I'm trying to push anyone away. We just do it to have fun as a part of our intimacy.


Here are some links, based on a study, that shows the typical couple, especially the man, that participates in bdsm is perhaps even less psychologically disturbed than the average couple that does not. There are a lot of things in the article that don't apply to me or my partner, like bdsm people often being kinky in other ways or being something other than heterosexual, but it is interesting nonetheless.
FOXNews.com - Study: Bondage May Make Men Happier - Health News | Current Health News | Medical News
Bondage lovers normal, maybe even happier | News.com.au


Oh and btw what is your opinion on bondage without pain? You've jumped right into the pain aspect of it- so what are your thoughts about being tied up in intimate situations that don't involve any pain or roughness? Seeing as how pain is only a minor part of our bondage activities, and bondage is only a minor part of our intimate activities...

[themaster]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

What do you all think about bdsm, specifically bondage, like being tied up, blindfolded, etc? My partner and I participate in bondage on occasion, and quite frankly, I love it.

Here's a more interesting question

What do you think attracted you to steve's site/forum?

And do you notice a strange correlation between who steve is.. and yourself..?? after all steve declared himself into bondage (I believe) last year or two.. but for some of us here.. we've been here a while

Alright, let's see if I can answer.. without ignoring the question

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

What do you all think about bdsm, specifically bondage, like being tied up, blindfolded, etc? My partner and I participate in bondage on occasion, and quite frankly, I love it.

I thinks it's fine, I think some of us on this site.. share a more common link then we care to admit

I think it's also a allegory/illusion to our reality.. you see we are powerful creator gods.. but it's like we squished ourselves into this LITTLE Tiny BOX.. and so bondage (of certain types) is a bit of a reference/mirror image of that..

Because you can tie/bind someone physically.. so they can't refuse you.. yet if you know that you have choice in any moment.. you know that you choose to allow the sex.. even if you pretend with your EGO you don't.. the body wants the sex.. the mind pretend to be repulsed or shall we say in direct conflict

It is for some as I described before a "rape" fantasy.. but since there all sorts of fetish's/imagination added to sex.. this is just one of them

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

What I'm interested in knowing people's opinions on is whether this can be detrimental to personal growth.

Not unless you make it so.. I've heard some psychologist call it a "sexual repression or schism" I'm not sure they could be more wrong

Is it detrimental to personal growth to desire being tied down and controlled?

No.. we created sex and bondage and fetishism and child pornography and on and on.. the only way it can be bad for you.. is if you think you'll get a NEGATIVE effect out of it.. as long as you believe/know you will get a POSITIVE effect.. you will always get one.. even if your mom walks in.. "and judges you inappropriately!"

Is it detrimental to act on a desire to tie someone down and control them (assuming they like it)?

Nope.. and it's actually okay to do it if they don't like it.. but that's another more sinister conversation we'll not go with here.. if we can!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I would enjoy having a ton of attention from other men but it's really not healthy for many reasons.

I think inflicting pain on another for excitement is dysfunctional and abusive.

Of course you are entitled to your opinion, but besides it not being your cup of tea, do you have any other reasons to believe so?

Edit: just saw your post about self harm and cutting...

Enjoying pain (both giving and taking) is healthy as long as it is done for the right reasons (as with everything in life).

Eating because you are emotional and want to hide the pain is unhealthy. Eating because you genuinely enjoy your piece of cake, is healthy.

If you want pain for the relieve of stress, relieve of emotional pain, because you hate yourself.. not so healthy, but falls under mental condition, not BDSM (although some people might try and hide their mental condition labeling it BDSM).

If you want pain because you like the endorphins, you like the feeling it gives you, you enjoy it without ulterior motive... Nothing wrong with that

[Desert]

BDSM is basically the utilization of the physical sexual charge to "power" particular psychological / behavioral constructs. The sexual premise along with the users' control faculties works as a regulator of whichever constructs are being used. Take away this regulating function and things like dominance, slapping, pain, submission, etc. are left in their basic modes which are in the main undesirable.

BDSM is one way of approaching the 'mind/body problem'. It can be very effective in its results provided those who employ it are of a psychological and physical fitness up to the task of managing experimentation in that it does not compromise beneficial perceptions both for one's self and for others.

Examples of mismanagement are an increasing inability to regard or express sexuality in ways other than BDSM, i.e., the power of the sexual charge exceeded the user's control of it. Extreme examples of this are where the user finds something of interest in torture and snuff films.

There are other details to this but that's a basic overview.

Desert

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

If you're referring to cutting, then that causes damage. It is often associated with depression, and temporary relief from it. It can cause real damage.

Generally, is there real damage in BDSM?

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

-Neither of us have been abused. I haven't, and from knowing him and his family and about his childhood, I don't believe he has either. I do not struggle with intimacy/self-esteem issues. I mean, of course like most people I have self-doubt at times, but I consider myself a pretty confident person. In fact if anything, being restrained at times has led me to become more intimate and confident. I don't think childhood has anything to do with what we do, at least not for me. How frequent? Not too often. I'm probably tied up about once or twice per month, and less than half of those are kind of rough. But it's not so spread out like that. Sometimes we don't do it for a while, and then sometimes we do it a few times in succession. I don't think I self-hate or that I'm trying to push anyone away. We just do it to have fun as a part of our intimacy.

I just think those who are in favor of it will be less likely to see and admit to negative consequences of their behaviors. And those, like me, who disagree with it are more likely to assume there are negative side effects. I guess that is how the social dynamic swings.

I refuse to believe that an action intended to cause pain is healthy behavior.

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

Here are some links, based on a study, that shows the typical couple, especially the man, that participates in bdsm is perhaps even less psychologically disturbed than the average couple that does not. There are a lot of things in the article that don't apply to me or my partner, like bdsm people often being kinky in other ways or being something other than heterosexual, but it is interesting nonetheless.
FOXNews.com - Study: Bondage May Make Men Happier - Health News | Current Health News | Medical News
Bondage lovers normal, maybe even happier | News.com.au

It does make sense that those with less traditional expressions of sexuality also experiment with BDSM. And while the article was very vague about its findings and validity samples, it's interesting and is practiced more than I thought it was.

Like I said in another thread about this topic, I see BDSM as just another example of a deeper issue: sin nature. Human beings have this tendency toward selflessness, pain, destruction, hate, and quarrel. While I believe we ought to accept all feelings and thoughts, I do not approve of all behaviors. Many on this board have different beliefs about this and they believe if it makes you happy, just do it. This idea conflicts with my moral code and in that moral code, inflicting pain on another, for whatever reason, is wrong.

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

Oh and btw what is your opinion on bondage without pain? You've jumped right into the pain aspect of it- so what are your thoughts about being tied up in intimate situations that don't involve any pain or roughness? Seeing as how pain is only a minor part of our bondage activities, and bondage is only a minor part of our intimate activities...

I can understand why some may find bondage without pain arousing and exciting. I have and probably always will be a traditional so this sort of thing does not interest me. Seeing that I have been through enough pain in my life, I don't see why I need to add more!

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Of course you are entitled to your opinion, but besides it not being your cup of tea, do you have any other reasons to believe so?

Edit: just saw your post about self harm and cutting...

Enjoying pain (both giving and taking) is healthy as long as it is done for the right reasons (as with everything in life).

Eating because you are emotional and want to hide the pain is unhealthy. Eating because you genuinely enjoy your piece of cake, is healthy.

If you want pain for the relieve of stress, relieve of emotional pain, because you hate yourself.. not so healthy, but falls under mental condition, not BDSM (although some people might try and hide their mental condition labeling it BDSM).

If you want pain because you like the endorphins, you like the feeling it gives you, you enjoy it without ulterior motive... Nothing wrong with that

I do appreciate the kind replies in response to my posts since I know many here disagree with me.

I don't enjoy pain. Never have and never will. I enjoy comfort, pleasure and peace. I do realize that I must withstand pain in order to come out stronger or more wise. I understand that pain can also make a person much more appreciative of the blessings of good health.

Sex already releases endorphins, so one can receive them without the pain!