Is sexual bondage detrimental? (adult)

[elucidate]

I didn't think you'd be up for that, and it's good you have good communication and would feel ok about raising the subject if it ever did spill over into real life.

PWL: Some may like that, but most women with any feminist bent in them don't want to be dominated 24/7!

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

I'm definitely not into having an unequal relationship outside of the activity, and he is not either. We both typically control the areas of our life we are better or more skilled at, and the idea of a 24/7 power exchange is not something I have any desire for at all.


So far it has not. I guess you'd have to know him to know that he's really not an unpleasantly dominant person. He's no pansy, but he's a really relaxed, respectful, quiet, intelligent man. If I ever saw a sign otherwise, we'd have a big talk about it, but there is no hint of anything spilling over, and we are always in constant communication.


Well I guess the answer is that I care. Not so much about what other people do, but about what I do. I enjoy this activity and so far it's only been positive, but just philosophically I wonder whether it internally contradicts some things. Overall I believe that it does not, but it is an occasional question in the back of my mind so I've enjoyed discussing it here.

In some ways, the sub has the power, because she or he can set the limits and they are unbreakable. My partner knows a list of things that he cannot do (and from discussing it does not want to do anyway, so that's good), and those things were set by me.

[Valkyrie]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Generally, is there real damage in BDSM?

Are you talking physical or other?

Generally, there is no physical damage in BDSM. Otherwise it's destructive. Now, there are extremes when it comes to any type of behavior, and I have come across things online that just look plain dreadful and disgusting! I have no doubt that there are some people out there for which BDSM is a serious problem.

But for the most part, no, there is definitely no real damage. BDSM is often not about pain at all. Pain is a smaller part of the activities of my partner and I.

I think the popular image of BDSM is on the extreme side. People think of dungeons, or full leather outfits. While some people do that, not all do.

My partner and I don't do elaborate things like that. When there is pain involved, it's not damaging or extreme. Types of pain for me include: getting slapped a little, hair tugging (but not pulling out), getting roughed up a bit (pushed down onto the bed/couch, etc.), and typically just the roughness of the restraints themselves. Having your hands tied behind your back and your ankles together can cause a little bit of rope burn.

There is never any beating or cutting for us, and nothing gross or humiliating.

To give a sense of context, sometimes I do some kickboxing at the local gym, and I'm sore after that but not typically sore after activities with my partner.

I just think those who are in favor of it will be less likely to see and admit to negative consequences of their behaviors. And those, like me, who disagree with it are more likely to assume there are negative side effects. I guess that is how the social dynamic swings.

I agree.

I refuse to believe that an action intended to cause pain is healthy behavior.

Out of curiosity, do you have a problem with rough sports? Do you think football is unhealthy? Boxing? Rugby?

The intent in those sports is not purposely to cause pain, but they often do inflict damage and roughness on each other, all for sport.

It does make sense that those with less traditional expressions of sexuality also experiment with BDSM. And while the article was very vague about its findings and validity samples, it's interesting and is practiced more than I thought it was.

Again, I think a lot of people view it as "rare" because they imagine the extreme part of the spectrum.

The number of people who break out leather suits and elaborate contraptions in the bedroom is likely limited. Alternatively, the number of couples that own a pair of fluffy handcuffs is likely many times more than you'd imagine.

Like I said in another thread about this topic, I see BDSM as just another example of a deeper issue: sin nature. Human beings have this tendency toward selflessness, pain, destruction, hate, and quarrel. While I believe we ought to accept all feelings and thoughts, I do not approve of all behaviors. Many on this board have different beliefs about this and they believe if it makes you happy, just do it. This idea conflicts with my moral code and in that moral code, inflicting pain on another, for whatever reason, is wrong.

Hmm. I can't really relate to you there, as I'm not a christian and don't particularly agree with a lot of it.

I don't think there's necessary a dichotomy between believing in sin and doing whatever feels good at the moment. Many non religious people are very ethical.

I can understand why some may find bondage without pain arousing and exciting. I have and probably always will be a traditional so this sort of thing does not interest me. Seeing that I have been through enough pain in my life, I don't see why I need to add more!

Fair enough.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Generally, is there real damage in BDSM?

Generally not. People who do it, including pain, usually have a hard and fast boundary at lasting damage.

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I refuse to believe that an action intended to cause pain is healthy behavior.

Just totally curious now, what about spanking a child?

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by elucidate

PWL: Some may like that, but most women with any feminist bent in them don't want to be dominated 24/7!

Good thing there are men who want one and also men who want the other, so women in both groups can have what they want.

[elucidate]

Good thing dat

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Good thing there are men who want one and also men who want the other, so women in both groups can have what they want.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I refuse to believe that an action intended to cause pain is healthy behavior.

Right now I'm in pain from working out the last few days. Those actions were intended to cause pain to my muscles. Is that unhealthy behavior?

[elucidate]

Different people, with different pasts and realities will always see things differently. Dulaney experienced much pain from abuse in her childhood, and wants to avoid this in her current life...which is understandable.

Another person who may have experienced even more pain and trauma in their childhood may respond to the stimulus in this sort of sexual relationship in a different way to Dulaney...they may derive pleasure from it as a means of avoiding emotional pain that is going on for them...that is where it is unhealthy IMO.

Someone else with a relatively painless childhood may just enjoy the thrill of being tied up! Noone is wrong here...it's all just individual preference and there are complex reasons for those preferences.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

Well I guess the answer is that I care. Not so much about what other people do, but about what I do. I enjoy this activity and so far it's only been positive, but just philosophically I wonder whether it internally contradicts some things. Overall I believe that it does not, but it is an occasional question in the back of my mind so I've enjoyed discussing it here.

Do what makes your heart sing, I say. Maybe I don't judge it too much cuz I believe (or buy the idea of) reincarnation or the mystical nature of human beings. Who knows if something is being completed from a past life? I find it fascinating that, supposedly*, the number 1 fantasy for women (percentage-wise) is the rape fantasy. It's probably too taboo for most women to even admit to. Because then the fear is that "real rapists" might think women are saying they want to be raped. When the reality is that these women only and only would want to enact it with someone they feel they love and trust completely.

*I don't know who the heck was polled, so I don't really want to have to defend the findings of some poll I found on the internet. I'd bet it wouldn't be that different if the women here were polled though.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Someone else with a relatively painless childhood may just enjoy the thrill of being tied up! Noone is wrong here...it's all just individual preference and there are complex reasons for those preferences.

True dat. Personally, seeing that I feel I've transcended my past issues, I don't think they factor into my current life. In fact, after working on those issues, I think I became more free to express myself with abandon.

[elucidate]

Yes, I recall it was one of the first fantasies I ever had when I first came into my sexuality as a teenager, and the fact that it was so taboo made it all the more alluring and enticing for me.

Real rape is not on...EVER! And wanting this in a loving relationship with a trusted partner does not ever mean that a woman wants to be really raped! Anyone who can't tell the difference has serious distortional thinking going on and would benefit from therapy of some sort.

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Do what makes your heart sing, I say. Maybe I don't judge it too much cuz I believe (or buy the idea of) reincarnation or the mystical nature of human beings. Who knows if something is being completed from a past life? I find it fascinating that, supposedly*, the number 1 fantasy for women (percentage-wise) is the rape fantasy. It's probably too taboo for most women to even admit to. Because then the fear is that "real rapists" might think women are saying they want to be raped. When the reality is that these women only and only would want to enact it with someone they feel they love and trust completely.

*I don't know who the heck was polled, so I don't really want to have to defend the findings of some poll I found on the internet. I'd bet it wouldn't be that different if the women here were polled though.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

True dat. Personally, seeing that I feel I've transcended my past issues, I don't think they factor into my current life. In fact, after working on those issues, I think I became more free to express myself with abandon.

Yow. I'd like to see you expressing yourself with abandon.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Yow. I'd like to see you expressing yourself with abandon.

I'm not sure I know how to respond to this. It's too hot in here.....

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

I'm not sure I know how to respond to this. It's too hot in here.....

Feel free to ask me for suggestions about how to respond. I'd be *happy* to help you find some things to express with abandon.

[Valkyrie]

Originally Posted by themaster

Nope.. and it's actually okay to do it if they don't like it.. but that's another more sinister conversation we'll not go with here.. if we can!

How is it ok to tie someone up that doesn't want it?

I definitely don't think that's ok.

[elucidate]

You're asking someone who thinks that rapists and child molesters can do what they want, and who thinks that there is no difference between 'fake' fantasy rape and real rape!

Originally Posted by Valkyrie

How is it ok to tie someone up that doesn't want it?

I definitely don't think that's ok.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by elucidate

You're asking someone who thinks that rapists and child molesters can do what they want, and who thinks that there is no difference between 'fake' fantasy rape and real rape!

I chalk it down to this internet personality type.

[Desert]

Fabulous!

Everyone will be going through the roster to see what they think others view them as. lol

Thanks for the link, MG.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

I chalk it down to this internet personality type.

Ooh! I was looking for that site a couple months back. Sweet.

[elucidate]

Very amusing. I would say that he is a mix with bong and Android and Archivist

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

I chalk it down to this internet personality type.

[elucidate]

I went through it but I think if I'm honest, the way I am isn't so savoury I would say I'm a mix between cyber sister and crybaby

Originally Posted by Desert

Fabulous!

Everyone will be going through the roster to see what they think others view them as. lol

Thanks for the link, MG.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Desert

Fabulous!

Everyone will be going through the roster to see what they think others view them as. lol

Thanks for the link, MG.

You are welcome guys.

I wonder how many forums the guy had to belong to in order to get those personalities down so well.

@elucidate -- I'm def a cyber sister too. But even with that, I refuse to debate thamaster. I gave up debating him when I realized either he does not reside on earth or someone is paying him by the word to churn out 10,000 word posts that even he has to alternate them between bold and normal font. If I have to keep asking myself, can this guy MEAN what he just said? It's time to shake my head and exit.

[elucidate]

Well, you are wiser than I. I think I've learnt my lesson though...finally

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

You are welcome guys.

I wonder how many forums the guy had to belong to in order to get those personalities down so well.

@elucidate -- I'm def a cyber sister too. But even with that, I refuse to debate thamaster. I gave up debating him when I realized either he does not reside on earth or someone is paying him by the word to churn out 10,000 word posts that even he has to alternate them between bold and normal font. If I have to keep asking myself, can this guy MEAN what he just said? It's time to shake my head and exit.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Well, you are wiser than I. I think I've learnt my lesson though...finally

Is it a lesson.. or have you just grown as a person?

Originally Posted by elucidate

I've started to see how I am a hypocrite. I used to be very judgemental about hypocrites...VERY! SInce I realised that we are all everything, I am learning to see the good in every aspect of our humanness. Still haven't quite got there with the hypocrite aspect...but I will.

I'm checking up on you blossom.. looking good

Now if only I could start a "war of words" with MidasGirl I so want to use bold and italics again!

(BTW.. I'm paid a penny a word.. so your right I'm raking in the dow! )