I'm tired of being pathetic.

[jsot]

My best and perhaps only friend is this girl whom I've had a crush on for fourteen months and she knows I like her but she says she doesn't feel the same way. She's nice but I let her walk all over me. I do anything she tells me to do and whenever she criticizes me or expresses dissatisfaction with me no matter how insignificant it is it's like it's the end of the world. I clam up and might cry. She feels bad for me and all and she tries her best not to hurt my feelings but I know I'm a burden to her and it probably makes her uncomfortable that this boy whom she's not interested in sexually should be so infatuated with her. She's nearly all I think about and I think my life would feel pointless if not for her.

She represents everything I wish I could be, too. I get slightly better grades than she does but she's confident and intelligent and she has friends and she doesn't obsess over the opposite sex (she's not particularly interested in dating at all) and she has interests and hobbies and she's happy and she's carefree. I worry constantly about anything it occurs to me to worry about and I have only one friend and I obsess over girls in general (I tend to fall in love with any girl who pays attention to me) and I'm shy and I hate myself and I hate my life. I have a great life but I can't make myself be happy and it really frustrates me. I wish I could be more like her. I wish I could be her.

I try in a half-assed fashion to change. I try to talk to girls who aren't her and I'm kind of trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. This school year I've been more social than ever and I went to a party once and in a couple of weeks I'll be taking a girl to prom and I'm on my high school's track team. But it's not enough. I'm still a very boring person and my mood and self-esteem are informed by whatever feedback I can get from other people. I need some sort of hobby besides reading books and I need to make more friends somehow and I need to stop worrying and I need to be happy. I recently started seeing a therapist and maybe that will help some. But I have my doubts.

Is there anything else I can do? I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.


tl;dr I like this girl.

[granted]

Originally Posted by jsot

I wish I could be her.

Red flag number one

Originally Posted by jsot

I'm still a very boring person and my mood and self-esteem are informed by whatever feedback I can get from other people.

Red flag number two

Originally Posted by jsot

I need some sort of hobby besides reading books and I need to make more friends somehow and I need to stop worrying and I need to be happy.

Change your 'need' to a 'want', and believe it

Originally Posted by jsot

Is there anything else I can do?

Well, you're here right? So that's a great start!

Originally Posted by jsot

I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

I know how you feel. Decide to change then. Read, learn, put it into action. Rinse and repeat. Make it your focus, but get the facts and understand them. Soon there won't be any red flags

[Lichterschachtel]

What do you truly want? I was in your position once, I wanted more friends, because I felt like I didn't have enough, because for some reason I got the idea into my head that I was doing something wrong when I didn't have more friends and go to parties. Then I realized that I don't need more friends, that what I'm doing is perfectly ok. I also realized the friends I do have are amazing .

I think you really need to get in touch with yourself. Why do you think you are all of these negative things? You choose what you are. For some reason, you chose to believe that're you're boring, or "pathetic", but it doesn't mean you are. You know what makes you not pathetic? Having the courage to change. You had the courage to realize you have a problem, and you got onto this forum, because you want change. And you will get it.

And just remember, maybe you think you're boring or "pathetic, but it doesn't matter what other people think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. As soon as you are happy with you, then you're just a little bundle of happy.


But about the girl problems, I think you can't separate feelings of a crush from feelings of admiration/flirtation, but that's ok, it just means that you haven't met the right girl who will blow your mind yet . Take a step back and look at the qualities of the girl that you don't see in yourself, and think about why you don't have them (without any self-demeaning answers please). And don't worry about it. If she really is such a nice person, she might feel even more of a friendly love to you, because she senses that you idolize her. If you really were a burden, she wouldn't have been friends with you for so long.

[granted]

Originally Posted by Lichterschachtel

What do you truly want? I was in your position once, I wanted more friends, because I felt like I didn't have enough, because for some reason I got the idea into my head that I was doing something wrong when I didn't have more friends and go to parties. Then I realized that I don't need more friends, that what I'm doing is perfectly ok. I also realized the friends I do have are amazing .

I think you really need to get in touch with yourself. Why do you think you are all of these negative things? You choose what you are. For some reason, you chose to believe that're you're boring, or "pathetic", but it doesn't mean you are. You know what makes you not pathetic? Having the courage to change. You had the courage to realize you have a problem, and you got onto this forum, because you want change. And you will get it.

And just remember, maybe you think you're boring or "pathetic, but it doesn't matter what other people think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. As soon as you are happy with you, then you're just a little bundle of happy.

Great post lichterschachtel. You're making a habit of this

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by jsot

I try in a half-assed fashion to change. I try to talk to girls who aren't her and I'm kind of trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. This school year I've been more social than ever and I went to a party once and in a couple of weeks I'll be taking a girl to prom and I'm on my high school's track team.

Doesn't sound half-assed to me. You're making attempts and creating results from that. Maybe not yet the results you want, but as long as they're better than you had before, you're improving.

Do you acknowledge the better results to yourself?

But it's not enough.

Possibly. So keep going. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I'm still a very boring person

by whose standards?

and my mood and self-esteem are informed by whatever feedback I can get from other people.

Feedback is good. But not everything. And there's a difference of getting feedback and being needy for other people's approval.

Apart from what you're doing already:
- make some specific time-bound goals.
- keep a daily diary where you record the progress towards your goals, and your experiences. If you read it back later it is very valuable.
- ask people who know you well, to support you
- most of all: enjoy the changes you've already created and the changes results you will create today.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Lichterschachtel

What do you truly want? I was in your position once, I wanted more friends, because I felt like I didn't have enough, because for some reason I got the idea into my head that I was doing something wrong when I didn't have more friends and go to parties. Then I realized that I don't need more friends, that what I'm doing is perfectly ok. I also realized the friends I do have are amazing .

I think you really need to get in touch with yourself. Why do you think you are all of these negative things? You choose what you are. For some reason, you chose to believe that're you're boring, or "pathetic", but it doesn't mean you are. You know what makes you not pathetic? Having the courage to change. You had the courage to realize you have a problem, and you got onto this forum, because you want change. And you will get it.

And just remember, maybe you think you're boring or "pathetic, but it doesn't matter what other people think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. As soon as you are happy with you, then you're just a little bundle of happy.


But about the girl problems, I think you can't separate feelings of a crush from feelings of admiration/flirtation, but that's ok, it just means that you haven't met the right girl who will blow your mind yet . Take a step back and look at the qualities of the girl that you don't see in yourself, and think about why you don't have them (without any self-demeaning answers please). And don't worry about it. If she really is such a nice person, she might feel even more of a friendly love to you, because she senses that you idolize her. If you really were a burden, she wouldn't have been friends with you for so long.

This is all you need my friend

[Eduard E]

OK, you're on the right track. I think there is a way out of this, but it's not a shortcut, it's a real personal development journey:

1. Learn to accept and like yourself as you are.
2. Develop as a person, grow.
3. Get a life and develop you social circle.
4. If you can't get over this girl, end the friendship, it;s bet for both of you.

This really is easier said than done. All of it will require working on your beliefs, practicing conscious change and a lot of persistence. But you'll get there. trust me

[sumbitORclick]

You can't be her. Will never be her and will have to get over it. You can only be you and you're not being the best you that you can be. To be friends with someone because you feel sorry for them and then treat them like they annoy you is not a good friendhsip or feeling. You're dealing with this because you don't have anyone else. You need to read some books on self esteem. I'm sure you're dressing, eating, and doing everything she does which is probably what is causing the reactions you're getting

[InterfaceLeader]

Reward yourself for the effort you're making. Nothing anyone else says will ever get rid of your internal voice telling you 'you're pathetic and boring'. Be impressed with yourself - it's okay!

[Tam9]

Originally Posted by jsot

Is there anything else I can do? I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

* Work on those things you want to improve upon, such as being (according to you) boring.
* Devise a plan whereby you acquire the qualities you want to possess.
* Make a conscious effort to try new activities and hobbies.
* Meet new people
* Be the person you want to be
* Validate yourself, rather than look for approval from others

[Zanriel]

I wasted my whole teenage life pining over unrequited love. When I was 12 I met this girl at church. We went steady for a while, held hands and stuff like that, but I was too shy and never ended up even kissing her. Eventually she broke up with me because she didn't think her parents approved of her being in a relationship. We remained best friends, but I was deeply in love with her. I thought about her all the time, and prayed every night she would be my girlfriend again. Every sappy song reminded me of her, and nobody else I ever ran into compared to her.

She was The One, so I thought. This went on from age 12 to 18 - 6 years. I dated other girls now and then, but I would always feel guilty, like I was cheating on my true love.

We hung out, went to school games together, drove around, I would write songs for her... Looking back I think she strung me along. I don't know if it was on purpose, but I guess she valued our friendship too much to just come out and tell me we would never be more than friends.

Don't make the same mistake I did. Have some dignity and self-respect. Don't let anyone string you along. If you don't get the answer you're looking for after 1-2 months, give it up. Do whatever you can to let her go. In the meantime, start working on your self esteem. Do positive affirmations, tell yourself good things. Treat yourself like your own best friend, or someone you care about greatly. Lack of self-esteem is the #1 contributor to failure, and having a healthy level of self-esteem is what separates those who succeed in life from those who fail. Trust me, that's been one of my major life themes; I know all about what you're going through. I still haven't mastered it at age 34, but every passing year I get closer. You seem young, so please, do yourself a favor and take care of your sense of self worth, no matter what it takes.

[yomama]

OK kid. Let me give this to you straight. You are not going to learn anything from this forum because I made this account simply to help the men here who are having women problems, they are constantly putting themselves down as unworthy etc.

I hope you have not fallen into the trap of searching google "how to pick up chicks" or anything related. They are a bunch of nerds who want to make money off weak men such as yourself. These Pickup artists have been exposed time and time again and are unreliable.

You need to man up. There. I said it. Women want a strong man, which I have no doubt you can become if you are willing to put in the time and effort. Women need to be able to kick back and relax and know that their man is going to take care of things when she doesnt want to.

Here is a few things you can do to get started.
______________________________________________

- Hit the gym. Forget that 1 girl and start working to make yourself more attractive. Fix up bemishes, get nice dress up shirts, jeans and shoes and immediately you will feel better about yourself.

- Start working on your self esteem and confidence. I want you get out a pad, and write down 15 things about yourself that are positive qualities. It doesnt matter if they are petty, just do it and read them every morning and night. Commit them to memory, and start again with new affirmations.

- If you are shy, you need to step up and become more social. We humans are social creatures and it is crucial for you to have a feeling of belonging. You dont have to go out and start conversations right away. You need to start saying hello to people (its amazing how many people dont have that much courtesy any more). You will eventually get more comfortable making small talk and watch as your social circles grows.

- Get yourself a job, buy some nice stuff for yourself to make yourself feel better. Women will be able to feel the energy in you after you have done these things and can sense that you are becoming a real man. Go to stores where you cant even afford to buy those things and aim high and be confident in yourself that you will get these things.

- Have the realization that confident men with high self esteem will ALWAYS get the girl. Your generation has been brought up to believe that women want a nice sensitive caring guy. Although this is true to an extent, you need to ALWAYS believe that you are the TOP DOG. I forgot the saying, but if your not leading the pack, all your going to see is ass all up in your face.

- After you have done all these things and feel excellent about yourself, you will naturally attract beautiful women into your life. That girl that you are crushing on right now will be extremely jealous that you are doing much better then her and you wont even have a care in the world.


Now those are just a few things I have done to go from weak crying nerd fool, to a player who has multiple women to choose from. It has taken almost 2 years but the effort has created so much change in my life that I am grateful I had 1 year of depression to go through first. I want you to print this post out, and do the things I have told you to do via ANY MEANS NECESSARY. If this is not what you want to hear im sorry, you will wallow in your own self pity for a long long time. You need to wake up my friend. Please do these things and I GUARANTEE you wont regret it.

[Lichterschachtel]

Yomama, I think you don't understand that women are not hardwired to only like one type of man. I used to be attracted to guys who were self-confident, but only because I lacked it myself. I'm in a relationship now with someone who isn't very confident in himself, and you know what, it's not just the best relationship, but also the best friendship I have ever had. So, sure your theories could work for you, but only because you're trying to attract the type of women that you are attracted to, but maybe our friend here isn't into that same type of woman .

Basically, don't say that what we're suggesting is just false, and a waste of time. There's no correct solution, because everyone is different. And if there was really a perfect solution to the love issue, then we wouldn't have these problems anymore.

What I find very interesting though, is that you're telling our friend here to base his happiness on things, while we support a being happy theory, in which you, well, only need to exist to be happy. Maybe the second type of theory isn't for you, but for the long run I see it as a lot more useful, and longer lasting .

[granted]

I think guys need to be ALL things, including: a 'real man' with 'things, self esteem and a challenge' as Yomama portrays AND a 'you centred' man as Lichterschachtel stated.

It's a tough gig, and you'll soon know if youre failing...

[neilward2]

You seem like a good guy, send me a PM with your contact details and I'll help you out - No charge

[yomama]

I see how you view my post. It is difficult to incorporate all aspects of myself into a little chunk of text.

What I am telling him is that he first needs to work on himself. By improving his frame of mind, and his body he will automatically feel much better about himself. I can see by the way he addresses himself in the post is very self degrading and dont know what kind of female would find that attractive in real life.

It sounds very materialistic, yes I admit, but the effects on mind, body and spirit will let out the lion that is inside every male on earth. As the saying goes, "survival of the fittest".

Lichterschachtel, I see how somebody might fall in love with someone who is not very confident but your story is 1 in a million. Also, my ways are NOT theories. I base my being very close to primal, and as I said in another post (or this 1 before cant remember lol), a woman needs to feel the security of a man before she finds him a suitable partner, when she cant handle life, she knows that her man can take the wheel for her. That is attractive to EVERY female because it has a biological/evolutionary basis.

I am also not encouraging him to become a player, although he could if he wanted by following my steps, it would just increase his chances of finding a female who wont walk all over him and treat him like crap exponentially.

Note that I am not discouraging anyone elses advice, the advice I have given is just a little more step by step and tangible.

[Zanriel]

This book changed my life:

Amazon.com: How to Succeed with Women (9780735200302): Ron Louis, David Copeland: Books

It's shallow and I don't agree with all of it, but still has some of the best advice I've ever read.

[granted]

I agree with a lot of your recommendations.

Originally Posted by yomama

What I am telling him is that he first needs to work on himself. By improving his frame of mind, and his body he will automatically feel much better about himself. I can see by the way he addresses himself in the post is very self degrading and dont know what kind of female would find that attractive in real life.

Agreed. I doubt any female would...

Originally Posted by yomama

It sounds very materialistic, yes I admit, but the effects on mind, body and spirit will let out the lion that is inside every male on earth. As the saying goes, "survival of the fittest".

Agreed. This is a fact of life IMHO.

Originally Posted by yomama

A woman needs to feel the security of a man before she finds him a suitable partner, when she cant handle life, she knows that her man can take the wheel for her. That is attractive to EVERY female because it has a biological/evolutionary basis.

Agreed. And I'm living proof that if you can not offer security, you're a dead duck. My latest motto is: "A woman will choose security over love".

Originally Posted by yomama

I am also not encouraging him to become a player, although he could if he wanted by following my steps, it would just increase his chances of finding a female who wont walk all over him and treat him like crap exponentially.

Note that I am not discouraging anyone elses advice, the advice I have given is just a little more step by step and tangible.

Agreed.

I've looked back in discernment and discovered that whenever I've found myself single again (after a break up), I instinctively know that I must 'go back' to the guy I was when I 'picked up' women.

Who is that guy? To name a few characteristics:

He increased his fitness, ate better, slept more, drank less, meditated, visualised extensively, worked on self-esteem, smiled more, dressed up all the time and wore fragrance (not just when I needed to) - even just going to the corner shop, shaved more, told myself that I am alluring and attractive and women like to smile at me and want to date me, and you know what? I become magnetic. Really. It's LoA in action.

The trick is— the thing that I've FINALLY fully realised—is that this is the 'state' that I must be in if I want to be in a relationship with a woman I find attractive.

Every girl I've every been with—that I've found attractive—I adopted the traits yomama talks about and that I listed above. When I let those traits waiver, the relationship waivers, flounders and dies