Non-Stop Talkers...

[granted]

How do you deal with them?

A friend in a social group I'm in is a Non-Stop Talker (NST for short). My neighbour is an NST. Yesterday I had to listen to an old family friend who is an NST.

It drives me nuts. I think NST's are rude and egotistical. Communication is a two-way street. NST's are one-way only. All I get to contribute is "yeah" and "uh huh". When I DO get a chance to say something (either they ask me something after 10minutes of talking, or I get LOUD and FORCE a few words in) they switch the 'conversation' back to THEM in a few seconds.

Yesterday I had to literally just wave and walk away. My neighbour looked at me oddly, but surprisingly kept talking as I walked away!!!

For my sanity, does anybody have an effective strategy on how to deal with NST's?

Part of me says "you are being taught a lesson - patience - and until you learn it, the NST's will continue to manifest for you".

Please help!

[elucidate]

I had one scenario where I had to actually say "I'm sorry, but I can't listen to you anymore" But that was an extreme case, and she was REALLY in need of some serious proffessional counselling.

I got out of the car and RAN away!

[ssandra]

If the subject is not interesting to me, I hear the ocean.. or birds..

Or i think about what to have for diner tomorrow... etc.

you catch my drift... stop paying attention! It really helps and they don't care

or you can try and tell them, in a calm way, when you are not screaming (a letter or email might be good) maybe they don't even know what they are doing?

[granted]

Originally Posted by ssandra

If the subject is not interesting to me, I hear the ocean.. or birds..

Or i think about what to have for diner tomorrow... etc.

you catch my drift... stop paying attention! It really helps and they don't care

Thanks. Tried that! Lol.

I feel it's still a waste of my and there time however

I'm going to find a solution for this. A simple sentence I can say that is direct but not rude.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by granted

I'm going to find a solution for this. A simple sentence I can say that is direct but not rude.

I'd ask them: how come you are talking all the time?

What you can ask yourself: how come NSTs are in your life? They're not in mine.

[granted]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

What you can ask yourself: how come NSTs are in your life? They're not in mine.

I'm aware of this Well, I'm very friendly, approachable, likable and a gentleman. I'm also quiet and humble, so I've figured that's why "I" let NSTs get away with being in my life. But that is to change.

That is my challenge

[Cloverhart]

In the past I've politely told someone that I didn't enjoy talking with them because they dominated the conversation. It worked quite well.

[granted]

Originally Posted by Cloverhart

In the past I've politely told someone that I didn't enjoy talking with them because they dominated the conversation. It worked quite well.

Succinct!

Interesting... Thanks

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by granted

I'm aware of this Well, I'm very friendly, approachable, likable and a gentleman. I'm also quiet and humble, so I've figured that's why "I" let NSTs get away with being in my life. But that is to change.

That is my challenge

Good for you! You may consider making it a 30 day challenge.

Another tip: what works for me is interrupting people. Not rudely breaking in, but e.g. making a hand gesture that makes them pause, and then say something like 'do you notice ...' whatever behaviour I want to point them too.

NSTs seem to run on automatic. Interrupting automatic processes is great to create awareness. And it makes conversations way more interesting.

[Andrew Brunelle]

There's this guy that comes into my store who works at Wendy's every night around 3 AM who is a nonstop talker. I have a good way of not getting involved with him. I give short yes and no answers and kind of keep working and use body language to show I'm not interested. You need to just casually walk away if you just can't take it anymore.

[granted]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Good for you! You may consider making it a 30 day challenge.

Great idea, thanks. I will do that!

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Another tip: what works for me is interrupting people. Not rudely breaking in, but e.g. making a hand gesture that makes them pause, and then say something like 'do you notice ...' whatever behaviour I want to point them too.

Good suggestion

Originally Posted by spirit4711

NSTs seem to run on automatic.

Don't they ever...

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Interrupting automatic processes is great to create awareness. And it makes conversations way more interesting.

The times I have 'interrupted their process' it really throws them. I can literally see it scramble their brains for a second, but then I also watch them re-group and get back on the path they were just on

[180]

One of the reasons humans like to talk so much is because there's a release of dopamine. It's like a rat pushing down a button and every time he does he gets a reward of cheese. This is why we're all wired to communicate with talking. It helps the species survive through the transition of knowledge and communication. (SHOW ME THE BERRIES)

The problem is a lot of people haven't exactly learned the limits of what's acceptable in social engagements.

How I deal with them. I make a purposeful body language signal that whatever they are talking about is boring. And I don't validate with what they say. I don't agree, I don't nod. I just kind of stare off them thinking about what they said. Very musing. But also mysterious so they are wondering what I'm thinking.

This usually prompts them to ask my opinion. And in which case I hesitantly give them. This usually gets them thinking... "oh my god I've just been babbling on and on".

If it gets too much, I just daydream or look at my phone. Sometimes there's really nothing you can do but just bear it. I like to daydream about ponies.

[granted]

Originally Posted by 180

One of the reasons humans like to talk so much is because there's a release of dopamine. It's like a rat pushing down a button and every time he does he gets a reward of cheese. This is why we're all wired to communicate with talking. It helps the species survive through the transition of knowledge and communication. (SHOW ME THE BERRIES)

Interesting!

Originally Posted by 180

The problem is a lot of people haven't exactly learned the limits of what's acceptable in social engagements.

It's more common than we think...

Originally Posted by 180

How I deal with them. I make a purposeful body language signal that whatever they are talking about is boring. And I don't validate with what they say. I don't agree, I don't nod. I just kind of stare off them thinking about what they said. Very musing. But also mysterious so they are wondering what I'm thinking.

This usually prompts them to ask my opinion. And in which case I hesitantly give them. This usually gets them thinking... "oh my god I've just been babbling on and on". If it gets too much, I just daydream or look at my phone.

Yep. Done that also. Seems to work for the most part...

Originally Posted by 180

Sometimes there's really nothing you can do but just bear it.

There's the rub. For me, not anymore. I'm done bearing it. No more

Originally Posted by 180

I like to daydream about ponies.

This made me laugh Not sure if that was your intention or not

[granted]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I had one scenario where I had to actually say "I'm sorry, but I can't listen to you anymore" But that was an extreme case, and she was REALLY in need of some serious proffessional counselling.http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/i...lies/smile.gif

I got out of the car and RAN away!

"I'm sorry, but I can't listen to you anymore" wants for little.

I think this is a great line!

Thank you

[elucidate]

Thanks. I don't think it's being rude either...just direct and firm. Maybe don't run like I did, but seriously...you had to be there...the lady was loco

[granted]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Thanks. I don't think it's being rude either...just direct and firm. Maybe don't run like I did, but seriously...you had to be there...the lady was loco

Ehhehe, scary

[openeyes]

Have you considered resorting to flatulence?

[granted]

Originally Posted by openeyes

Have you considered resorting to flatulence?

Wouldn't help I'm afraid

These people could talk through an autopsy - their OWN

[True Believer]

I have a few friends that are NST's. There is only so much I can take and only so much day dreaming I can do at one time so I tend to let them have their natter moments then what works for me is to say in a jovial manner:

"Can we have a two-way conversation now" and chuckle.

This often leads to an apology and a better conversation.

I have also said "And breath..........." which has worked well.

[granted]

Originally Posted by True Believer

"Can we have a two-way conversation now" and chuckle.

YES, I like that. Thanks for contributing

[granted]

I discovered a "technical" solution:

The FakeCaller app for my iPhone, which I WILL employ.

But...

I MUST conquer this VERBALLY as well however

[elucidate]

I like this one too. I'm gonna remember that one. Often it's more about remembering the best thing to say. I often kick myself later when I work out what I should have said...sooooooo annoying

Originally Posted by granted

YES, I like that. Thanks for contributing

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I have two observations:

1) You said NSTs are rude and egotistical. What you mean is that if you were to talk nonstop, it would be because you has changed from your current way of being, to being rude and egotistical.

I've learned over and over not to make judgments like that. They are NSTs because maybe theyare uncomfortable in conversation so they feel like they have to fill the dead space, or they are afraid of there BEING any dead space. Maybe their mother was a NST, and that's just how they think people should related to each other, and it makes them feel calm.

My point is that no one wakes up in the morning and says "Today, I think I'll be rude and egotistical by talking someone's ear off."

2) You are over thinking the "problem". The solution is dead simple, and it's not to use tricks or body language. It's to be honest and direct.

[elucidate]

This is true, and well said too
It comes across as rude, to us. To the NST they are just being themselves, and talking normally.

I've even had it said to me by a NST that I should be better at interrupting him and competing with him for the conversation space...which doesn't compute, in my reality...the concept of effective comminication means something wholly different to me, than what this individual considered "good communication"

Originally Posted by MyEyeIsOpen

I have two observations:

1) You said NSTs are rude and egotistical. What you mean is that if you were to talk nonstop, it would be because you has changed from your current way of being, to being rude and egotistical.

I've learned over and over not to make judgments like that. They are NSTs because maybe theyare uncomfortable in conversation so they feel like they have to fill the dead space, or they are afraid of there BEING any dead space. Maybe their mother was a NST, and that's just how they think people should related to each other, and it makes them feel calm.

My point is that no one wakes up in the morning and says "Today, I think I'll be rude and egotistical by talking someone's ear off."

2) You are over thinking the "problem". The solution is dead simple, and it's not to use tricks or body language. It's to be honest and direct.

[James81]

Isn't it amazing how we (and yes, I'm guilty of this too) are so concerned with being not rude that we will not even call rude behavior when we see it?

Or rather, isn't it funny how that even in the face of someone being rude or pushy or overbearing or selfish (or whatever) that we STILL care so much what THEY think of US, when they obviously don't care what we think of them?

Kind of weird isn't it?

Essentially, what I'm saying (and I need to heed my own advice here) is that when what we perceive as rude behavior happens to US, and we are clear that it IS rude behavior, we should not feel so skittish to call people on it. Or to shut it down and remove ourselves from the situation. (Not all situations require you to call someone on their rudeness...sometimes we really DO need to just walk away)

EDIT: BTW, I'm not saying that NSTs are rude. I'm just commenting on the part about rudeness. As other's said above, NSTs probably don't think they are rude. They are probably more likely to just be lonely people who need an outlet.

[elucidate]

Yes, I find this funny as well.

Why is it that we are so concerned to not want to be rude to someone who is being rude to us and doesn't care that they are being rude (or may not even realise, as MyEyeIsOpen suggested)

If we believe in the tenet of 'treat people the way we wish to be treated'...then, doesn't that stand to reason that we should not be worried if we are rude to someone who is rude to us?

[James81]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Yes, I find this funny as well.

Why is it that we are so concerned to not want to be rude to someone who is being rude to us and doesn't care that they are being rude (or may not even realise, as MyEyeIsOpen suggested)

If we believe in the tenet of 'treat people the way we wish to be treated'...then, doesn't that stand to reason that we should not be worried if we are rude to someone who is rude to us?

That's a good point (about treating others the way we wish to be treated).

For example, if you were being rude to someone, how would you wish that they would handle that rudeness? What would be the most effective way for them to get through to you that you are being rude and to stop you from engaging in that particular behavior?

This will help you choose an appropriate response. A lot of people think that the appropriate response to rudeness is to be rude back. Or to berate the person. Or yell at them. Or call them a name.

But the question is...how would YOU respond to someone doing that to you? Would you answer their rudeness with kindness and understanding? Or would you get all huffy (even if you knew they were right)?

My point is that if you DO treat someone the way you want to be treated, then there is an appropriate way to handle that rudeness that would wield results without inciting the situation into something ugly. Not always, but most of the times I think just a blunt assessment of the situation would do the trick.

[ellie]

Well if it's with people I am really close too, I will say "you're rambling get to the point" -ha ha! Or I do the, I am really bored thing "yep, yep, ah ha ok". It's all in the tone of my voice you see.
But having said that I would have a guess that I ramble on as well, since it's in my genetic genes for rambling.
I hate talking on the phone, so I just sound really bored, and people get the drift

[elucidate]

Well, if I simply stated "you know, dominating the conversation like you are can be percieved as being rude, please stop it. I'd like to have a say as well", then I am being assertive and honest.

If I say it in a way that isn't attacking the other person, then there is no reason for them to get their ark up...and it will probably yield the greatest result.

Maybe not assuming they are just being rude, but thinking about it in the way MyEyeIsOpen suggested would be a good start towards not reacting in an annoyed fashion , that would only serve to get their defenses kicking.

...hmmm. It's all good in theory...remembering to do this AT THE TIME, is usually the hard part...at least for me! Sometimes I say the right thing in the right way and it goes well, other times I kick myself later!

[Angela]

I would just be straight with the person, if I wanted to have a conversation with her, and like MyEyeIsOpen, let go of my judgements about the person.

And if I didn't want to have a conversation with her, I wouldn't. But I wouldn't let "she is a nonstop talker" stop me, because it's simply not true. I would recognize a label like that for what it is -- a limiting decision on my part. (Well, hopefully I would -- if I wasn't being too dense in that moment to remember to. It happens.)