|04-07-2010, 09:49 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
What can i do to improve this ...situation? Please !
You know the stereotypical shy person in some party/social situation who doesn't really talk to anyone except for 1 or 2 people and is difficult to start a conversation with, but once its started and you get to know him its really nice and stuff ---
that isnt the person im gonna describe
this person will come into the party looking bored and slightly defiant as if here i am - i am not afraid! Then he oscillates between sticking to his friends or someone else he's just met. He makes a few smart comments. People laugh. It seems as if he's funny. Some girl or a cool dude starts to talk to him. Then, the conversation dies off. He doesn't have anything to say. Either he'll make direct observations about things happening right in front of them or he'll say unconnected stuff that doesn't emotionally interest people. He gets this horrible feeling that he's shiny from the outside but rotten inside. He isnt' able to meet their eyes properly. If he tries to stare for more than 5 seconds, both of them become uncomfortable. This guy is self-conscious as hell. He seems fake if he asks other people questions about themselves, as if he's interrogating them. His talking partner writes him off as a lost cause. This guy now wishes he never went to this party full of ********. He wishes he was at home. He declines any further social offers. As soon as he's back home, he regrets it. WHAT THE **** DOES THIS GUY DO?!?!?!???? HOW DOES HE END THIS? HOW DOES HE GET RID OF THIS WEIRD PERSONALITY>????
Last edited by sidthekid12; 04-07-2010 at 09:51 AM.
|04-07-2010, 10:02 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2010
Hahhah first of all this guy stops observing perspectives about himself that he doesn't like.
This guy will start to notice only whatever part of himself that he actually enjoys.
This guy will realize that the person they described is actually not at all unusual in fact you directly described the term "extrovert" in the second case, and "introvert" in the first case.
Extroversion is something many people aspire to, and is in fact the preferred profile for hiring in a company.
As to having more stuff to talk about, you think you have nothing to talk about and this is what is holding you back from talking.
In fact, I bet you have interests hobbys, cool videos you've seen online, interesting discoveries, and experiences. However, sometimes, you get scared that what you will share will not go well with people.
People don't care. Just say something.
People are all worried about impressing others and thus not particularly judging others. Nobody wants somebody who talks all the time, but they are all looking for something, anything to talk about. So you should even create a list of things you can talk about at first and eventually these things will come to you naturally.
But know that extroversion and I could define it directly from a psych text book if you don't believe me is at least 50% of the population, definitely not strange. And in fact extroverts often have many connections they can call up and find jobs more easily.
|04-07-2010, 10:25 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2007
First thing to do,
Realize that life is a game. And that no outcome matters. You're not real, the people are not real. It's nothing but a game. Play around.
Here's what happens with a lot of social anxiety. If you feel, the slightest bit of fear OR if you're trying to be popular, people can sense it from you. Everyone is highly keen on your true intentions and emotions, for some people it's like a bright glowling LED board saying "I'm trying to be popular!". What does it mean if you're trying to be popular? It means you're not popular to begin with. And then, you'll be treated as a loser anyways. Trying to get something means you are lacking something. When you exhibit need. The situaiton you described is self doubt. Self doubt actually is a need for validation. When people sense an aversion of eyes they know you are in "instinctual" protection mode. They avoid you.
So first thing. Lose all attachement. Don't try to achieve anything. Don't try to be their friend, don't try to be cool. Cool people aren't trying to be cool.
Second, your attitude and speaking abilitiy is always affected by your emotions. Not your logic. This is why a lot of intellectuals are so terrible with social engagements. I once attended an MIT benefit party. WOW... lot of akwardness there.
So... you must "feel" popular in order to engage in behaviors that are seemingly popular. I'll tell you my own particular experiments.
Not that I like to Brag, but I can easily make friends with many people. Not EVERYONE likes me but I get along with about 95% of the world's population and I can easily assimilate into any group. Hell I've studied human psychology since high school and went from absolute nerd to the usual center of attention. I'm not joking. I have friends who are poor farmers, and I have rich friends. not bragging to feel good, but I'm bragging to tell you I KNOW what I'm talking about. In addition, at work today I decided to have lunch with one of the older people at my workplace. The other table was completely depressed because I wasn't with them. They even talked to me after lunch and said "You should always sit at our table". lol what a compliment.
Ok so how do you become wanted by everyone?
Humans communicate 80% on emotion. This includes body language, tone, and facial expressions. Some of the dumbest crap ever has come out of my mouth, but well recieved just because I used the correct emotion. I remember once saying to a group of elites (I'm talking these guys were creme de le creme on the social scene) "I think this party needs more chicks". That was probably the most sophmoric and idiotic thing to say at the time, but because I adopted a very good emotional attitude, everyone started saying "oh yeah, it's kind of a sausage fest" lol.
On the flip side, very often I give extremely good advice or intelligent opinions, but if the emotion isn't there. It's not receieved well. I remmeber being with a group of guys, who were pretty much all horny as hell jocks. And I think I said in the worst possible emotional tone something along the lines of "I think this party needs more chicks" (LOL you'd really expect that to be the perfect thing to say in a group of guys like this). The emotional content was similar to sounding desperate and needy. The guys absolutely laughed and I got pegged a loser for that night.
You've probably experienced this type of thing when two people tell the exact same joke, and one is completely unfunny and the other one is hilarious.
How you feel is communicated all the time, and it's more important than what you say. EVEN IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!
Let me give you an example, one of my previous one night stands barely spoke English. You'd figure that's an automatic deal breaker. But she felt comfortable around me. She sensed the emotion that I was "confident" and in control and etc etc etc. (to be perfectly honest, I was actually testing emotional commuincaiton... and well, it worked) She said the way I smoked and the way I dealt with the enviroment made her feel so comfortable. I had her in my pocket, and my bed 3 hours later.
Okay, so how do you "control" emotions.
1st set of advice, use affirmations. if you don't know about them look them up. Now this is very very very very very important.
Affirmations MUST be formed like this for me "I feel.... yada yada". You must say FEEL. You absolutely must make affirmations based on emotions IF you're a man.
Women on the other hand have a better time using affirmations that are just the way they are "I am popular" or "I am rich". Any affirmation regarding emotion makes it weaker.
Why? I'm getting a bit deep but because men are logical and "thought based. we tend to try to validate or find evidence of things. If you make an affirmation too much against reality, the affirmation backfires. Whereas with women they cannot fight their emotions (most of the time), So if they deny their emotions the affirmation backfires. Women however, can deny reality better than men.
Anyways, you're a man I think so stick with affirmations like, "I feel popular". And really feel it. Don't try to affirm anything in reality, How you feel doesn't need to feel validated by reality. I can feel like a god, but it doesn't mean I am god does it? But if I feel that way, no one can deny that affirmation you create for yourself.
Here are some good affirmations to use:
"I feel popular"
"I feel strong"
And my most used and favorite: "I feel comfortable in this setting".
As long as you feel comfortable, people will be attracted to you. Oh my god there's so much I can write about how to be popular but my hands are tired and I want to play starcraft.
I'll come back later. maybe
|04-07-2010, 11:02 AM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
Thanks for what u've written/
I'm not trying to be popular. Hell, i'm just trying to talk to someone!!! I don't need to be a center of attention or anything() All i wanna do is just be able to KEEP GOING a decent conversation, naturally, normally, enjoying it, not straining every second, no tension or anything. Maybe i've started the article wrong, emphasizing that i wanted to make friends with lots of people and be cool and make people laugh and stuff. I do want that, but that is far away!!! I shouldn't have said 'sticking to his friends' it should have been sticking to the people who invited him. My point is, i just wanna be some normal guy at a party, not the odd one out when people make groups or something.
i dont need any affirmations or anything. It would be pretty weird if i sat at a desk and wrote 'i will make friends' 15 times a day. I used to do that stuff, but it really doesn't help me. i'm tired of reading billions of articles about this stuff. i dont think my peers do this, and they get along fine.
Yes, i have got a lot of interests, i play guitar pretty well, draw, listen to a lot of music,books, into games and stuff, but in the end, it always feels horrible when i talk to someone and it seems as if there's this palpable feeling that, when are you gonna stop boring me?I want to talk to someone interesting. some people don't know what to say to cool people. i don't know what to say to even nerds. ****, even a 5-year-old child could make friends better than me. i've got this childhood friend who i can talk to easily on all topics under the sun. But someone who shares even the same interests as me, i cant connect with him/(forget her).
The main thing is, as long as i'm talking about some concrete event, some information, some objective thing, people manage to listen. But anything personal, any subjective feeling, emotion, i cant ever find none of that stuff with other people.
Its not that i'm completely hopeless. Sometimes(rarely) i manage to have a decent conversation. FLowing, normal, enjoyable(once even with a girl OMG@!!!!) that is why Im bloody trying to improve this weird persona i've managed to acquire. cam somebody please gimme more advice!!!
|04-07-2010, 11:35 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2010
In fact in your situation I would recommend against affirmations which have been proven to be ineffective in situations where the person strictly does not believe them. The contradictory backlash of negative thoughts is the more dominant and thus more powerful thoughts.
By the way your peers do not require any techniques and whatnot because they don't believe they have a problem. In other words what came first the chicken or the egg? Your belief that you have a problem making friends or your problem making friends? I say the chicken... and I can prove that...
Here is one thing you can implement visualize yourself fully immersed in your so called problem. In other words you are thinking "I have nothing to say" Now you have a million people waiting for you to say something all looking at you judgementally at how you have nothing to say then as you have nothing to say and are so awkward they throw rotten tomatoes at you, and curse you out and yell at you, and although you were on the stage everyone is completely ignoring you because you are so boring and useless...
Now visualize this scene transforming into you thinking " I am a really cool guy with plenty to say"... Visualize how this change in your thinking and attitude gradually changes things the rotten tomatoes turn into roses, the yelling turns into cheering the frowns drift into big smiles and now all of a sudden the whole crowd is impressed.
You have developed a certain anxiety in your head that people are judging you constantly... This belief, might have been caused by you misperceiving others looking at you, maybe you even did have negative responses from people... But now you have to realize that you are probably creating at the very least a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-fulfilling prophecy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (if not actually attracting using the law of attraction that reality). Your perception that others dislike what you have to say or your perception that once they see the core you they will see nothing is exactly what is making you perceive them to have this belief. For example, your always on gaurd and nervous, people pick that up as awkward, and then they look at you awkward.
The only way to stop them from looking at you as awkward... is stop being on gaurd.
To stop being on gaurd you have to change your perception that people hate you... use the strategy below to do so.
Another thing you should realize that in the past it might have seemed like you were awkward once people got to know you, but this doesn't have to be and isn't the case right now. I mean I am talking to you, albeit on the internet but I am talking to you and demonstrating that this isn't the case. Even if I wasn't, when was the last party you went to, where that seemed to have happened?
I guarantee it wasn't in the past 2 seconds.... Since then your memories have been reconstructed, your thinking about it has reshaped how it appeared in your mind such that it will appear to you as your perception is true. Human memory is extremelyyyyyy fallible and considered untrustworthy in the court of law for this reason. Not to mention the fact that have you ever been told by your friend wow dude you're so awkward?
Also more methods to treat this... using more traditional psychological techniques. Walk by an elderly home (preferably far away from you) and strike up a conversation with an elder, you will never see again and don't really care the opinion of... This will be the most awkward thing ever, but the thing is these elders are actually EXTREMELY bored and would love to talk to anyone. Write down some conversation topics right now, that you can discuss with them... such as and this will be a great one... I have problem with not appearing awkward in front of people I meet, do you have any advice?
This is a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) method... after several instances of conversations like this see if you have made any progress and keep me posted. You can PM if you'd like or write into this thread.
|04-07-2010, 01:25 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: earth, everywhere and nowhere
i think the conversations with other people shift because you get out of the moment. practice staying in the moment (read The Power of Now if you haven't already) and research Present Moment Awareness.
when you're in the moment you're sharing that moment with the other person and things flow... it's when you start to focus your thoughts on how you're coming across that things can get weird. so... realize this sort of thing is really common and begin teaching yourself to focus on the present moment.
(oh... and my opinion is that eye contact for more than 5 seconds with someone i don't know really well would seem a bit creepy anyway - 5 seconds is a long time for uninterrupted eye contact. my opinion only, as someone who is picky about eye contact for spiritual reasons.)
|04-07-2010, 02:06 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
Dude you've totally hit the nail on the head. I know its a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes, some event happens in which i am in some way awkward, and then later when i talk the that childhood friend, i keep on thinking in the back of my mind, god, im decieving him, im no longer this cool person that i once was when i made friends with him, ive become pretty awkward now(coz i now live in another city) and as a result our conversation becomes strained due to stupidity on my part. The funny thing is, I KNOW ITS ME> I know im not supposed to think this, im supposed to forget it, and sometimes i do, but sometimes, it gets caught in my head (like a song that refuses to go away while ur studying). If only i could experience a row of events in which im NOT awkward, then im sure it would become less and less......
that is a good idea, the talking to a old person sorta thing. It isn't AS easy for me, since where i live(india) an old-age home is a novelty and most old people are pretty,like ... *i dont wanna grow up to be like them*(like, not hotbeds of wisdom). i'm sure i COULD find some decent old man walking along the street and ask him that.......... i don't really know...... i guess i'll try ............
maybe all this is due to the isolated life ive been living for 2 months now, with barely any human contact(not more than 3-4people per day). I am shifting 2 a new city, so maybe i can forget all this? GOD I DONT WANNA FAIL> i guess wish me luck? any more words of wisdom for me anyone? Is there any way i can be certain that i will put all this **** and uncertainity and self-doubt behind me?
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