Friendship & Personal Development

[Mnemosyne]

Hello,

A few minutes ago I responded to a post by Sireesha about friends drifting apart and it got me thinking...

Throughout grade school I had a best friend. We went to different schools but lived very close to each other, so we always hung out and had fun. We had just about *everything* in common. But once we went to college we drifted apart and moved to different areas of the country.

I landed with the person who would later become my husband. We lived together for 7 years before getting married and are now fast approaching our second year of married life. He is without question, my best friend and soul mate.

But in light of personal development, here is my issue: I don't have any friends.

I admit, I am an introvert. I don't like to be in big crowds and deal with a lot of people. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of good friends once in a while.

Although I socialize with people at work, I don't ever hang out with anyone except my husband. My husband has friends so as a couple we may all get together and hang out, but I don't really care for his friends.

I don't have any friends and it's something that I actually don't like to admit, it's embarassing. Some people would say "Just go and meet new people!" (my mother always tells me this). For me it's not that easy. My shyness holds me back. In fact, the only way my best friend from grade school ever became my best friend was because she started the relationship.

I've always had problems with shyness but it's something that little by little I try to overcome. I've done well but not so well that I could develop any meaningful friendships. I also think that maybe I'm just to different from my peers. I come from a different way of life, have different values and ways of thinking about things. And I have very high standards for people who I want to be friends with. Maybe unrealistically high.

It's not that bad. As I mentioned, I'm an introvert and actually enjoy solitude, but sometimes, it would be nice to socialize with someone other than my husband.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or am I the only one?

[andrew]

No, I understand. Without baring too much into my painful childhood social life, I was a kid that always got picked on and sat alone at lunch until about my junior year of highschool. Needless to say, that's when I had my major life shift, and became a totaly new person. So it wasn't that I was naturaly intraverted, but my peers pretty much forced me into solitude (lets disregard my faults for the sake).

So to get to your question. I have no trouble befriending people and getting along with them now, and when I hang out with people it's a great time. But as far as going out to meet new friends, that's kind of hard to just "go out". I mean, I'm 19, I goto school a little bit and that has helped. But what about when you're too old? I just moved here and had to make all new friends. I've been here for over a year and I have pathetic social life. So i can understand where you're coming from on how to 'just meet people'.

I really don't have any good, non hypocritical advice on how to meet friends. I mean if I was in a group gathering and there's an activity going on, sure I'd make friendly with them and have a good time, but taking that and becoming REAL friends, I have no idea. I suppose I could get their number and be like "hey let's hang out". They're like sure okay, but then I never hear from them again. I also really don't know what to do with a semi stranger that's fun around here. I mean I'm too young to goto a club or bar or anything.

So I don't think the problem is MAKING the friends, it's taking that creation and turning it into an active FRIENDSHIP.

I was kinda rambling, but maybe it's insightful in some way.

[placebo]

Maybe this will sound stupid but you don't actually need friends if you're married or in a relationship. In my case i don't agree with my friends about almost anything. That gives us reasons and things to argue about, but there's no connection between us. I spoke one day about personal development and steve's site and felt like and idiot. No one understood what the hell i'm talking about. So i don't talk about that anymore. Is it a frienship? Probably yes. But is it good and useful frienship? Hardly
I see them as social connections and as a helpful thing when i'm stuck in the house for a few days. Then i go out with people and just socialize. Without any deeper conversations. We talk about bussines, weather, etc.

You have to be happy if you find just one friend in a lifetime.
And you should keep him forever.

[Lychee]

andrew, you and I are very similar in this respect.

Groups do tend to force certain people into solitude, especially when cliques form. Forming a group is natural, but cliques are exclusive and only serve the ego where its members feel being part of a particular crowd affirms their importance.

As for how to make and find real friends...I don't know. It hurts to see people come and go. People stay "friends" with others because they can give them something, like it's a business transaction. Once their purpose is used, they discard their friends. What has the word "friend" come to mean? It's used too lightly.

I understand it's not easy. I've also had trouble making/maintaining friendships because of my introversion. No one seems to get it. People are so used to being outgoing and active that the idea of being in an intimate setting, having a calm conversation is not really their idea of a good time.

The notion that placebo brings up is interesting. Humans are social creatures and we need some sort of interaction with humans. But our idea of who fills the area of "friend" in our life is what matters. Before a few people fulfilled many areas of a person's life, and now many people fulfill many areas of a person's life. It depends on what you want.

Placebo, does it bother you that the topics of conversation tread along the lines of weather, business and "mundane" things without going deeper into more important matters?

Indeed we are blessed if can find one true friend in our lives. Real friends are so hard to find. I hope we all can find one.

[placebo]

Of course it bothers me. For example, my roomate is atheist and a friend of mine is catholic. They both have so rigid ways of thinking, I tried talking about religion with them and it was a disaster. I have certain dose of empathy and i like to talk if someone have arguments. But all they have are statements based on inborn beliefs.
Can't believe that nobody let another person to change their beliefs or simply induce another way of thinking.

Nice to see that there are open minded people in this world

[Henry]

Originally Posted by placebo

Of course it bothers me. For example, my roomate is atheist and a friend of mine is catholic. They both have so rigid ways of thinking, I tried talking about religion with them and it was a disaster. I have certain dose of empathy and i like to talk if someone have arguments. But all they have are statements based on inborn beliefs.
Can't believe that nobody let another person to change their beliefs or simply induce another way of thinking.

Nice to see that there are open minded people in this world

Never talk to anybody about a) religion or b) politics. Unless you know for certain that they have the same view as you. Everybody tends to stand their ground on their views on these topics.

[Michael Chui]

I have met several friends I first encountered online. My introversion and shyness (different things, I have both) are less of a factor online, so I have a lot less trouble talking to people and expressing myself. That could easily lower the barrier of entry to a new friendship.

Originally Posted by Henry

Never talk to anybody about a) religion or b) politics.

Two of my friends are in fierce disagreement about both. One's military and religious; the other is, well, not. They get into huge arguments over this, but the fascinating thing is that when talking about what needs to be done, they're magically in agreement.

I think it's better not to try to argue with someone on those subjects; nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree... for now.

[andrew]

Well for now, I think I want a lot of friends just so I can meet a lot of people and have fun with as many people as possible. If out of say 100 friends I just randomly see, and 10 of them I really click with and we have fun all the time, that's great. In the long run, I'd much rather have a few quality friends I always do things with, thana lot of not as close friends that I do things with once in a while.

Of course I'd like to have both. A group of close friends I'm always with, and a bunch of other people I can meet up with once in a while. I think most people are like that. Now my "close" friends don't have to be a group and know each other or anything. I don't know. I've never really had a lot of close friends that's I've always done things with. You know, the people that call you at 11 on a friday night to just hang out because you're so fun. Never had that, so maybe it's me wanting what I don't have?

I think for now I want friends that I can do things with, bond with, and share my enjoyment of having fun in life with. I mean my family's there to love me and take care of me if I really need it, so I don't need a huge emotional support network or anything. But I would expect my friends to be there for me,

I guess I have way too high expectations. I look at people that have been friends for years and hang out all the time and expect people I just know for a few weeks to be like that. I think that's my issue, I'm expecting too much, too soon.

[Mnemosyne]

Originally Posted by andrew

I guess I have way too high expectations. I look at people that have been friends for years and hang out all the time and expect people I just know for a few weeks to be like that. I think that's my issue, I'm expecting too much, too soon.

High expectations... That's my problem too. Except my expectations are about what that person values, how they act, etc. I will only allow myself to be friends with someone if they meet specific criteria. It's like I mentally put them through a gauntlet of tests and only if they pass each one would I allow myself to really enjoy that person's company. As if I'm looking for someone who is a mirror or carbon copy of myself.

Originally Posted by Lychee

Indeed we are blessed if can find one true friend in our lives. Real friends are so hard to find. I hope we all can find one.

I've done some more thinking about this and Lychee and Placebo bring up a good point... Do you really need 500 friends? If you could find just one person, one true friend, then you're probably better off than the person with 500 friends.

For my own personal situation I think I've been looking at it the wrong way. Instead of feeling embarrased about not having a lot of friends like most people, I should consider myself blessed for having found my one true friend. That should be all that a person needs.

[Michael Chui]

You guys might find information on Dunbar's number - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia to be interesting.

[Lychee]

I also have very high expectations. My expectations are based on the person's actions, values, beliefs, etc. As the old saying goes "birds of a feather flock together." A person's friends also tell you a lot about who they are.

We are probably looking for a little bit of ourselves in the other person but there has to be some similarities between two people for them to get along anyway.

I don't think a person needs 500 friends. When you think about it, are they really your friends or are they acquaintances? Most likely the latter, since cultivating meaningul relationships takes time and energy - things that we cannot possibly do with so many people while taking care of ourselves.

Having one true friend is a blessing. Having a small group of good friends is even better.