How to Deal with Rude People?

[savethebook]

Ok, so this is one of the things that I have the hardest time doing, how to deal with people who are rude to me. I think I'm a nice person and try really hard not to be rude or impatient with people and when I do, I feel bad about it. But what to do when someone is rude to me? I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do, I get fired up, hence writing this post, as just got a rude email from payroll at the place I work.

I'm not big on being rude back, never have been. And after a matter of time I'm usually fine again and forget, but any tips for instant relief? I get fired up, especially when it's at work, because it makes me want to leave the draining working world behind even more.

[Boreas]

I am the same way...maybe we have all been there?

What I have done in the past is to send an email back or hold a meeting with the person where I say, please be more polite and I will outline the parts that bothered me. It tends to work and people give me space. Some people might think that is "wimpy" but I don't, rude behaivor should not be tolerated. If the person that sent the email challenges you, get HR or your manager involved.

If you don't want to do all that though, you need to forgive the situation, and don't fight that it happened in your mind. However, I still encourage you to tell the person it was inappropriate. I have done the same thing to two people I work with and now they are much nicer or leave me alone. It is worth it, and you can do it in a polite way.

Good luck.

[Antiventurecapital]

Originally Posted by savethebook

Ok, so this is one of the things that I have the hardest time doing, how to deal with people who are rude to me. I think I'm a nice person and try really hard not to be rude or impatient with people and when I do, I feel bad about it. But what to do when someone is rude to me? I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do, I get fired up, hence writing this post, as just got a rude email from payroll at the place I work.

I'm not big on being rude back, never have been. And after a matter of time I'm usually fine again and forget, but any tips for instant relief? I get fired up, especially when it's at work, because it makes me want to leave the draining working world behind even more.

It would help if you gave us a couple of examples of the types of rudeness you experience.

I hardly ever experience any. In fact, I can't remember the last time anyone was rude to me.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by Boreas

Some people might think that is "wimpy" but I don't, rude behaivor should not be tolerated. If the person that sent the email challenges you, get HR or your manager involved.

The irony is that the people who think its "wimpy" are afraid of being called wimpy themselves, as if they can't take a joke. It takes courage to step and say, "This is unacceptable" and set boundaries for behaviour.

Like AVC said, some more examples would be nice. You might consider reading some books on communication in general such as How to Win Friends and Influence People, Crucial Conversations and Difficult Conversations, etc.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

The irony is that the people who think its "wimpy" are afraid of being called wimpy themselves, as if they can't take a joke. It takes courage to step and say, "This is unacceptable" and set boundaries for behaviour.

Yes, too true, anyone who can't break free from peer pressure is more of a wimp. Also, I always disliked the statement "can't take a joke". Some jokes are ok, but some are just plain hurtful and disrespectful. It is like someone saying "can't take a punch?". Of course I can't take a punch! It hurts and damages my body, why would I want to?

[savethebook]

Your replies really got me thinking, as you asked for examples of people being rude and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really haven't had all that many encounters with rude people in quite awhile. The ones that seem to stick out come from a number of years back and all had to do with the fact that as a new university grad I couldn't find a job and that was when people seemed to have the comments to make to me about not working. That doesn't bother me anymore, as I've gotten past letting people influence me in this way.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I expected not a great response to my inquiry to this person at work, and you know what, that's exactly what I got. It is about what you put out there and the more I realize that, the further ahead I'll get.

[Antiventurecapital]

Originally Posted by savethebook

Your replies really got me thinking, as you asked for examples of people being rude and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really haven't had all that many encounters with rude people in quite awhile. The ones that seem to stick out come from a number of years back and all had to do with the fact that as a new university grad I couldn't find a job and that was when people seemed to have the comments to make to me about not working. That doesn't bother me anymore, as I've gotten past letting people influence me in this way.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I expected not a great response to my inquiry to this person at work, and you know what, that's exactly what I got. It is about what you put out there and the more I realize that, the further ahead I'll get.

I go into any interaction with the attitude that I will treat the other person with respect and courtesy. Doesn't matter if they are a board certified rocket surgeon or a Speedy Lube worker. It works well because it's very rare that I experience any rudeness. (I'm also the wrong type of person to be rude to because I can give as good as I get if provoked.)

[letsdance]

I have always found that the best way to respond to rude people, if any response is warranted, is with a pointedly polite reply.
As a person becomes ruder and/or louder with me, I become more courteous and quieter. I speak calmly, in complete sentences, and show no aggravation.
I find that this makes my point, and often, the rude person calms down and discusses the issue with me. If s/he doesn't change gears, I have lost nothing. I have maintained my dignity and treated the person as I would like to be treated.

[Jill]

You might want to read this thread:
Why people gets offended so quickly?

Is it really people being rude or is it people getting offended?

[TheFlyingMan]

Hmm the rudest person I've ever met was a client (I run a web design biz) who was referred to me by a good friend. Over the phone, he requested a free draft, which I never do, but I thought he seems like a great guy, so I spent half a day doing a draft for him, for free.

He never replied to my email, when I sent it to him, so I called him up after a week. He abused the hell out of me - saying it was rubbish, I was wasting his time etc. He spoke like I killed his father or something.

I was stunned and couldn't say much and then he hung up. After a while I composed myself and sent him a polite email, saying I couldn't spend too much time as it was free. And even if he didn't like it, a quick acknowledgement email would be all that I need.

He replied with a "I have got it."

That one bothered me for more then a year - I kept replaying it in my head.

What fixed it? Eckhart Tolle's work, and also some forgiveness work. Forgiveness is too long to type, and I got some on my blog, but I highly recommend ETs work.

[Conan Stevens]

Originally Posted by letsdance

I have always found that the best way to respond to rude people, if any response is warranted, is with a pointedly polite reply.
As a person becomes ruder and/or louder with me, I become more courteous and quieter. I speak calmly, in complete sentences, and show no aggravation.
I find that this makes my point, and often, the rude person calms down and discusses the issue with me. If s/he doesn't change gears, I have lost nothing. I have maintained my dignity and treated the person as I would like to be treated.

On a plus note for bystanders it makes them look like the idiot

One of the most vicious verbal attacks I ever saw was a friend of mine who was so exceedingly polite that the other fellow just could not respond in any way and ended up apologising and spiritually cringing away at the end.

[yossarian]

It certainly never does any good, for them or you, to fight back with rudeness. Don't fight fire with fire - use water if you must fight.

What i've done in the past is just remained extra calm and been very straightforward and polite myself. Essentially just being extra nice. What tends to happen is they see themselves being rude in comparison to you being nice, and since the rudeness hasn't affected your composure it makes them look bad and feel bad. It's essentially "winning." This works if you want to dominate them but I think it's actually kind of mean to do to someone - you are essentially embarrassing them and making them feel bad.

A more generous (and generally better, but much harder to pull off) approach is to again remain calm, but essentially hold up a mirror to them in a compassionate and understanding way. Explain to them their behaviour. You dispassionately apologize and tell them that you understand that they have a problem with you, but you just can't accept being treated like that under any circumstances. Tell him you're sorry though and want to help them with their issue. "I'm sorry, I really can't tolerate being treated with that kind of disrespect. I want to help you with your issue so let's go forward peaceably."

The second method is much harder to pull off. You must speak dispassionately and make it clear that you want to help them with their problem. I think it's a superior solution if you can do it.

These are my homegrown solutions anyway. Personally my goal is to really help the person see what they're doing and why it's unneccessary and unproductive. I'd much rather help them learn something than just train them to not be rude to me.

It also depends on the situation.. if someone is venting about bad service or something like that, and yelling about it and is very upset, then the best thing to do I think is just genuinely listen and try to show some empathy for their problem. They obviously feel it's important or they wouldn't be upset, so share in the importance they feel for their issue.

If someone is being rude to you as a matter of course, like a co-worker or something, then you'll probably need a more direct approach.

These kinds of things have always been hard for me... it seems like I just wasn't built for such a dog-eat-dog world. So i've learned to adapt. The main lesson I suppose is just to remember that we're all part of the same compost heap, we're all of one unified collective, and so helping others is the same as helping yourself.

[Angela]

yossarian, I think you're right on. in my experience when someone's upset, they usually just want to feel that they're being heard, which can be a rare feeling in today's loud world. It's amazing how quickly people calm down and are grateful as soon as you listen and acknowledge. The trick is to be present rather than reactive -- not always so easy for me!

[bellbird]

You guys are right; getting all fired up in return is not going to achieve anything. Listening and saying you understand their point of view (even if you think they're being a bunch of silly buggers) makes them fizzle out as it takes the sting right out. Respect, listening and not interrupting are vital.