Who wants to be taken care of the most - Men or Women?

[MayanJaguar]

I've heard it mentioned before, but recently I've come to the conclusion based on my own experiences, conversations and observations that men have a deep rooted need to be mothered. And this is actually a crucial part of keeping a man happy in a relationship.

If guys in a relationship don't get a certain amount of mothering they lose interest, or even become depressed.

I'll admit that I have always had the attitude of "You're a grown man, take care of yourself", but I can see now how this may have left partners feeling unfulfilled.

I had an interesting conversation with a male friend this weekend (mutual friend of my ex) who told me that I should treat my ex like I would treat my 3 year old daughter. At first that seemed bizarre, but the more I pondered what he said, the more it made sense.

Ladies and gentlemen out there, what are your perspectives/experiences?

[Karanime]

If you have a desire to take care of people (often, people who need to be taken care of will have this mindset), then go for it.

Don't ever think you "should" do anything other than what you feel. If you don't want to take care of someone, then they shouldn't need it. If they do, you don't need them.

We all have people who match our vibration. In a world of 6 billion+ people, there are more than enough like you to fill your entire social circle, and more.

/<3

[Moxie]

I've noticed the same thing MayanJaguar. I feel much better about it though when I read one of Marianne Williamson's books, which said that in loving relationships, we are the incarnation of all women - lover, wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc, and I would make that same jump to men too. Men often do need to be babied, but I think we show a desire to be taken care of in different ways.

[aggie]

yes, definitely some men need lots of attention, babying, touching.

i don't find it a bad thing...but some of us women, even though we have our own cravings, sometimes, at least i speak for myself, can at times, thrive on less physical attention for a bit. some men can actually see that as a form of disinterest or rejection.

the worse tho' are guys who are all tough macho i'm a big boy you are not my mother leave me alone...until something that happens that makes them all whiney and needy.

ps: think it goes back to the old mother son relationship or lack of.....

[Mounds]

Lol, it's true. Men need some "mothering". You also feel very appreciated when a woman takes care of you. It's not easy being a manly man all the time

[Cochonette]

In most societies, women live longer than men on average. This is because women are taught how to take care of themselves, while men are not. But I was raised by a man who didn't know how to take care of himself and a female parent who sucked, so as an adult I have been trying to learn how to take care of myself. I do tend to think of women I'm attracted to as motherly. I would feel like they were the mother I never had. But I'd rather be able to take care of myself. Screw anyone who thinks that they should just take care of me while I never learn a thing!

[aggie]

yeah...it is one thing to want to "take care" of someone...whatever your particular situation entails, than feeling it is demanded of you.

and on the flip side taking the "nuturing" in a healthy perspective.

i have two exes who were macho and didn't want to be "coddled" but they sure didn't have a problem with me running their lives for them and taking care of the business of grown up living

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by Karanime

If you have a desire to take care of people (often, people who need to be taken care of will have this mindset), then go for it.

Don't ever think you "should" do anything other than what you feel. If you don't want to take care of someone, then they shouldn't need it. If they do, you don't need them.

We all have people who match our vibration. In a world of 6 billion+ people, there are more than enough like you to fill your entire social circle, and more.

/<3

the thing is though that my opinions before were my preconceptions of how it should be, rather than my feelings.

I am finding that life actually feels more harmonious when I work with the need for men to be mothered, rather than fight it. Truth is, it seems more natural to embrace the dynamics of a relationship as it naturally is, rather than try to fight it.

I agree with Moxie on this one, that "in loving relationships, we are the incarnation of all women - lover, wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc". And like Moxie also said, men take care of us in other ways, if we so choose to be in a relationship. Most me like to feel like the provider and protector.

We can of course choose to behave in a relationship however we like, but I guess I'm realising that for me being more motherly creates a happier, harmonious, natural relationship.

[spirit4711]

I love to be mothered, daughtered, sistered, lovered, whatever. As long as I´m the centre of attention I´m fine.

Serious, I´m not sure men need more of this than women. Different strokes etc. I do like some mothering but my urge for independence usually plays up pretty quickly.

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Screw anyone who thinks that they should just take care of me while I never learn a thing!

Of course a man should know how to take care of himself, but I'm thinking more about the tenderness, kindness and care a mother shows to a child.... men want also. Why do you think so many men get jealous when a new baby arrives into the family and takes the attention away from them, even if they don't want to admit it!

I do think that a man should know how to tie his own shoelaces however

[aggie]

my husband as said more than once...they might not always want you to think so...but men need women more than women need men....

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

I love to be mothered, daughtered, sistered, lovered, whatever. As long as I´m the centre of attention I´m fine.

Serious, I´m not sure men need more of this than women. Different strokes etc. I do like some mothering but my urge for independence usually plays up pretty quickly.

From my perspective, I prefer to feel protected by my man (I guess when I think about it, more fatherly behaviour, assertiveness), rather than mothered. Somehow to me being mothered by a man is a turn off. Perhaps deep down I feel they are taking away my role and identity. This is how I have felt in this kind of situation. I was in a relationship where there was role reversal - me the breadwinner, him the househusband. For me it did NOT work. I hate to admit it, but it made him seem less of a 'man' in my eyes.

I wonder how many other women would feel the same?

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by MayanJaguar

I do think that a man should know how to tie his own shoelaces however

Why?

[aggie]

in the two relationships where, aside from their personal jobs, i pretty much kept everything rolling in our lives, i developed an incredible sense of independence but i also became a control freak. i was also left alone a lot, so i learned not to need the other person's physical presence in my life very much.

in my current marriage that did not carry over well at first...lot of stumbling and bumbling along the way. here i finally had someone who took control and mangaged things, and made decisions and protected me and was always there...and ya know what...at first i hated it, i fought it, i rebelled, i questioned, i became suspicious, i sabatoged....i finally realized and was able to articulate the lack of control i felt and the fear of abandonment. i told my husband...you made me need you and depend on you and i don't always like it!...if i ever have to be on my own again...i am afraid i won't be able to do it again.!

he understood me much better then, and it has become kind of a non issue...but it is still a little niggly in my vulnerable times

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Why?

less work for us mamacitas to patch up those grazed knees

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by MayanJaguar

Of course a man should know how to take care of himself, but I'm thinking more about the tenderness, kindness and care a mother shows to a child.... men want also. Why do you think so many men get jealous when a new baby arrives into the family and takes the attention away from them, even if they don't want to admit it!

I do think that a man should know how to tie his own shoelaces however

Yeah, I couldn't see myself with a baby at this point... I can barely take care of myself, let alone a child! That's also why I am not looking to date right now. I don't want to feel like the baby in a relationship, and I don't need anyone getting in my way either. I am attracted to people who are very sensitive/"nurturing," but I dunno what I have to offer them at this point. I want to become sensitive and nurturing. But then again, there's a limit to how much one can refine one's innate personality.

[James81]

Not all of us have that need to be mothered. For instance, I can (and do) pretty much take care of myself. I always preferred to do my own laundry (to the point where I am annoyed when someone does it for me), to go get my own drinks/snacks, and I am a neat freak (not a clean freak, but a neat freak in that things have to be in order but not necessarily scrubbed down if that makes sense). I cook for myself and don't have any qualms over running a vacuum.

I'm also fairly independent in the sense that I don't really like it when a girl takes that mothering stance with me. But on the flip side, I DO like a lot of verbal validation (honest validation that is), I like to be touched (a lot), and I like a girl who can be fairly independent herself (not aloof and distance and unreachable, but independent...clear distinction there).

In other words, this particular generalization does not necessarily serve you. It DOES say something about you though, so pay attention. The fact that you keep attracting these types of men in your life says something about your personality and your focus. Take a look inside and figure out what that may be.

[rei]

i don't think it is one side that wants it more.

i think all of us want and enjoy feeling cared for through nurturing... all of us enjoy the extra attention and support if we're going through something. and many of us are willing to accept less responsibility if a partner is willing to be more responsible. i know that's true for me when it comes to the daily obligation crap - even though the last time i had my finances blended with someone i was in charge of the bills.

some people are not nearly as willing to admit they enjoy this sort of dynamic but i think deep down we all like it.

it could be that men, in general, are less open about enjoying this stuff... but i've also known plenty of women who are fierce in defending their independence. who think they need to be strong always.

[aggie]

i want it BOTH ways....i want someone i can depend on, and i want to be able to take care of myself if i need to. i will be honest, the older i get, the more unmarketable i get job wise and relationship wise....the more fearful i become...but i know, i will do whatever i have to do to make it.

if i had a daughter...i would want her to be loving and giving...but never NEED to depend on a man. as smart and aware as i thought i was when i was younger, i did not always make the best moves.

i am in a good place right now, and i have just decided to enjoy it and take one day at a time....

[rei]

yeah, i would say for me it is also a mix... knowing the support is there if i want it or if i'm in a sticky wicket, but not feeling stifled if i am feeling capable of handling things for myself.

i would say the ideal is a balance where both people feel supported and nurtured.

there are certainly times when i am in the mood to be taken care of. a few years ago i would never have admitted it, and now i can come out and say that is how i am feeling in that moment.

i have not had much experience of men coming out and saying it though. they usually want us to guess

kudos to you for being so self-aware about your life stage stuff

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by MayanJaguar

From my perspective, I prefer to feel protected by my man (I guess when I think about it, more fatherly behaviour, assertiveness), rather than mothered. Somehow to me being mothered by a man is a turn off. Perhaps deep down I feel they are taking away my role and identity. This is how I have felt in this kind of situation. I was in a relationship where there was role reversal - me the breadwinner, him the househusband. For me it did NOT work. I hate to admit it, but it made him seem less of a 'man' in my eyes.

I wonder how many other women would feel the same?

I didn't. For a while I was working and my husband at home, but I never felt like he was less of a man for doing the house work and me working...

Maybe that has something to do with the fact that he would anyway do the housework together with me when we were both working?

And besides that we were going through some things, like waiting for his papers to come through, so there was plenty of stress to go around, so there was no need to create more stress by being upset about who is doing the working and household stuff.

Although, I must say... I still went to the store myself (supermarket) and on weekends I tried to take care of him as much as I could (cooking, making breakfast etc). Because I like doing that.


In general I like taking care of my husband and he likes being taken care off. I don't see it as a problem that he doesn't do the same things in return, because I don't need the same things. I need other things that he gives me, like verbal validation, telling me I'm beautiful, telling me he loves me etc.

And he never stops thanking me. I believe that is a very important part if you are taking care of somebody else (cooking, getting drinks/snacks etc, not tying shoelaces ) that is is not taken for granted. If he would stop thanking me and showing his appreciation, soon I would stop doing these things for him.

[roxyruby]

I think me & my boyfriend take care of each other equally. He takes care of me by coaching me when I feel anxious or depressed, being supportive and loving, taking me out to nice places. And I take care of him by helping him when he feels depressed too, serving him any drinks or whatever he wants, being supportive & loving, kissing him better if he's in pain, blah blah blah. So over-all I think caring for each-other in an equal way seems to work best.

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by James81

Not all of us have that need to be mothered. For instance, I can (and do) pretty much take care of myself. I always preferred to do my own laundry (to the point where I am annoyed when someone does it for me), to go get my own drinks/snacks, and I am a neat freak (not a clean freak, but a neat freak in that things have to be in order but not necessarily scrubbed down if that makes sense). I cook for myself and don't have any qualms over running a vacuum.

I'm also fairly independent in the sense that I don't really like it when a girl takes that mothering stance with me. But on the flip side, I DO like a lot of verbal validation (honest validation that is), I like to be touched (a lot), and I like a girl who can be fairly independent herself (not aloof and distance and unreachable, but independent...clear distinction there).

In other words, this particular generalization does not necessarily serve you. It DOES say something about you though, so pay attention. The fact that you keep attracting these types of men in your life says something about your personality and your focus. Take a look inside and figure out what that may be.

hmmmm, actually i think you're making an assumption about the men i attract in my life. I don't just attract needy men who want their washing, ironing, and cooking done etc. My point is that most men (maybe not you) want to have some kind of motherly love from their partner.

I'm not talking about what the women DOES for the man, I'm talking about how she TREATS him. Even the most independent of people still want nurturing and protecting in some way. They still want to feel cared for.

You say you like to be touched a lot, and this is a classic example of one of the ways in which kids also like to feel loved and reassured. My point is it is not something that you grow out of.

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by aggie

i want it BOTH ways....i want someone i can depend on, and i want to be able to take care of myself if i need to. i will be honest, the older i get, the more unmarketable i get job wise and relationship wise....the more fearful i become...but i know, i will do whatever i have to do to make it.

if i had a daughter...i would want her to be loving and giving...but never NEED to depend on a man. as smart and aware as i thought i was when i was younger, i did not always make the best moves.

i am in a good place right now, and i have just decided to enjoy it and take one day at a time....

You're right Aggie. You truly need to be independent and self reliant to give in a genuine way. I would hate the feeling of having to give and nurture because if I didn't my lifestyle might be at risk.

I have always taken care of myself and been almost fiercely independent and financially controlling and in some ways I used to deny my nurturing side so as not to show weakness. Now I realise that was just plain silly, and maybe a little 80's throwback

For a better relationship I've learned that you can be independent and assertive, but nurturing all at the same time.

And yes, it's nice to feel appreciated but again there can be a fine line between doing things for an expected/required reaction. and if you don;t get the required reactions you can feel let down. Better to give without any expectations. If you give with kindness, most of the time you will be appreciated.

[James81]

Originally Posted by MayanJaguar

You say you like to be touched a lot, and this is a classic example of one of the ways in which kids also like to feel loved and reassured. My point is it is not something that you grow out of.

It's interesting that you'd take a human quality (such as our need to be touched) and apply parental parameters to it. That's MY point.

The need to be touched isn't a kid thing. It's a human thing. We just feel more comfortable, as kids, being touched in our society.

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by James81

It's interesting that you'd take a human quality (such as our need to be touched) and apply parental parameters to it. That's MY point.

The need to be touched isn't a kid thing. It's a human thing. We just feel more comfortable, as kids, being touched in our society.

I guess I can see what you're saying, but my point is that nurturing is something that begins with a parent and child and carries on into adulthood. Essentially, yes it's a human thing, but it starts with the parent/child relationship.

We all know the inner child never grows up or goes away, it's always inside of us. So actually I do think that it all stems from our relationships with our parental figures. And that is why I say that men (to varying degrees) like to be nurtured and comforted, and of course women like to feel similar things.

[James81]

Originally Posted by MayanJaguar

I guess I can see what you're saying, but my point is that nurturing is something that begins with a parent and child and carries on into adulthood. Essentially, yes it's a human thing, but it starts with the parent/child relationship.

There is a difference between nurturing and the need to be touched. The need to be nurtured is something that most people should eventually grow out of. Nurturing implies more than just touch. Nurturing is an experience in which you take a weaker individual and coddle them along until they become stronger/grow/etc.

Just wanted to point out the difference. It's subtle, but it DOES make a difference.

Originally Posted by MayanJaguar

We all know the inner child never grows up or goes away, it's always inside of us. So actually I do think that it all stems from our relationships with our parental figures. And that is why I say that men (to varying degrees) like to be nurtured and comforted, and of course women like to feel similar things.

What you would call the "inner child," is something I would call "being human." I don't think we should treat the things that make us human (such as our need to be touched, to have fun, etc.) as things that are "childish." That implies that we shouldn't be doing them as adults. Rather, I think we should just recognize that there are needs that stick with us all our lives (such as our need to be touched).

But like you said, I know many women who choose partners as father figures, so singling out men specifically kinda carries with it some implications (whether they are intentional or not, they are there) that men are more immature than women.

[MayanJaguar]

Originally Posted by James81

There is a difference between nurturing and the need to be touched. The need to be nurtured is something that most people should eventually grow out of. Nurturing implies more than just touch. Nurturing is an experience in which you take a weaker individual and coddle them along until they become stronger/grow/etc.

Just wanted to point out the difference. It's subtle, but it DOES make a difference.



What you would call the "inner child," is something I would call "being human." I don't think we should treat the things that make us human (such as our need to be touched, to have fun, etc.) as things that are "childish." That implies that we shouldn't be doing them as adults. Rather, I think we should just recognize that there are needs that stick with us all our lives (such as our need to be touched).

But like you said, I know many women who choose partners as father figures, so singling out men specifically kinda carries with it some implications (whether they are intentional or not, they are there) that men are more immature than women.

I'm not implying that having an 'inner child' makes you childish at all. And I'm not implying there is anything wrong with embracing it. In fact, if everybody called on their inner child more often the world would be a much better place. just as we carry things on from childhood, this label of what it means to be an adult also causes many to lose those qualities.

I'm just saying that we all have an inner child, and it has needs that do, yes, carry on into adulthood. For both men and women.

I'm not singling out men, I agree that women have their needs too. And I'm not basing it just on my own relationships, i see it in those of others too. Yes, there are those that will argue the exception, but maybe they are not admitting it to themselves.

Semantics wise, perhaps being cared for is a better way of putting it, rather than nurturing.

[yossarian]

Calling it "mothering" seems pretty derogatory.

How about nurturing?

When you think about it as an expression of love and affection it is pretty obvious that everyone wants "mothering".

[rei]

MayanJaguar,

i think the way this thread is set up is likely to feel triggering for some of the dudes around here.

saying they want to be mothered might be construed as calling them weak... most dudes i know don't like that which means there is a risk of reactivity to frame it that way... just as they also get an opportunity for greater insight into themselves if they are reacting to it.