Sexual frustration

[Benjamin K]

So I've been dating this wonderful girl for a little over a month now, and we havn't really done anything sexually. We kiss and grab every now and then, but whenever the opportunity comes up for us to be alone and fool around she never wants to. It's especially difficult because our relationship is perfect in every other way besides this and I have pretty strong feelings for her and she says she has strong feelings for me too and that she thinks doing things will make me bored with her or that it will ruin our relationship.

I don't really know what to do because I'm starting to get edgy and annoyed at every little thing because of lack of sexual intimacy with her. I love her and I want to be patient because I know she wants to take things slow and I want to respect that, but it's very difficult and I'm afraid if something isn't done that it's going to lead to some problems in the relationship that I don't want.

The worst part is that several women that I will admit are attractive have let it be known that they want to have sex with me, but I don't want to cheat on the girl I love and I don't want just sex or just a relationship I want both..and I can't seem to get that right now. What can I do to make her more willing to speed things up or what can I do to alleviate some of this sexual frustration (I don't want to masturbate it's just not something I really want to do at this stage and I also feel odd watching porn which is what I would often masturbate to in the past). I'm just not sure what to do because I really care about her, but with each passing day I find it harder and harder to keep being patient.

[James81]

Tell her what you just told us in the first two paragraphs. Never, ever tell her what you wrote in the third paragraph.

See what she says. If things don't change, break up with her because you are incompatible.

[Benjamin K]

I've tried talking with her about this before and it doesn't seem to really help. She says that if I really care about her I would be willing to wait until she's ready. The problem is I don't want to break up with her because every other aspect of being with her is enjoyable to me. I enjoy the love and compassion she shows me, the fun I have when I'm with her and the ability to have a conversation with her. It's just difficult to think about breaking up with her over it when I think that if I'm patient enough and once she's ready that it wont be a problem. I already did break up with her over it a little over a week ago and we got back together, but things still havn't changed. I'm just trying to be patient, and yeah I know telling her that multiple women want to have sex with me wouldn't be the wisest choice, but one of them she already knows about because it's pretty much public not by my own choice, but one of the girls who's just really open about it. It's just a very confusing time in this relationship because I feel as if I've been more than patient (I mean five weeks is a long time at my age to not do anything sexual with her).

[James81]

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

She says that if I really care about her I would be willing to wait until she's ready.

If she cared about you, she wouldn't make you wait when it's so obvious that you both are into each other and that you're not just in it for the sex.

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

The problem is I don't want to break up with her because every other aspect of being with her is enjoyable to me. I enjoy the love and compassion she shows me, the fun I have when I'm with her and the ability to have a conversation with her.

Youtube: Almost Doesn't Count by Mark Wills and give it a listen.

and yeah, i understand that it's hard to let go with it's "almost" right. So close, yet so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ far away. But you know what? it's only going to get harder and you are only going to get more attached to someone who only cares about HER feelings and HER not getting hurt. Sex is a natural progression in any relationship, and it's been long enough now that she can see that you want her for more than just sex. And I can guarantee you that if she's really into you, then she's wanting sex with you too. So why wait? What purpose does that serve? Unless she has religious views or something like that, then that's another case of incompatibility.

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

It's just difficult to think about breaking up with her over it when I think that if I'm patient enough and once she's ready that it wont be a problem.

A dangling carrot is always tempting, but sometimes you just gotta know when to fold. Holding off on sex thinking that she'll keep you around is among one of the most manipulative things I can thing someone would do to another person. Granted, as I said in another thread today, a certain amount of "waiting" is kinda necessary, but once you can visibily see that the person is into you for more than just sex, there is no viable reason to hold off.

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

I already did break up with her over it a little over a week ago and we got back together, but things still havn't changed.

And things aren't going to change. Sure, you may eventually get through and start having sex. But what happens when the next thing comes along? What happens when you aren't getting some other need met and she purposely shuts you down in the name of protecting herself?

[Benjamin K]

That's what I was thinking. Once this isn't a problem what's the next thing going to be that she'll be so stubborn about. I'm going to give this relationship a little longer and if things don't start to change I think I just need to suck it up and break up with her because it really is driving me crazy not being sexually fulfilled. I don't even need sex, like I said I would be happy at this point just to fool around and do things other than sex until she's ready for sex itself.

It's just so hard to try and face the fact that it's something I might have to break up with her over because I REALLY REALLY care about her and imagining life without her just seems miserable even though I know I would eventually get over it, I just dread that first week of not having her by my side.

[secrets0stolen]

i was on the other side of a relationship with similar issues. (it was for different reasons that i didn't want to have sex though). Anyway he told me the situation (including the other women that were interested). And I told him that if he wanted to he could have sex with the other women, he could. But idk, i'm a little more liberal/less jealous than a lot of gals...just sharing my story --whatever you can glean from it.

[secrets0stolen]

steve has a cool podcast on relationships...i'll see if I can find the link

[Indiana]

How old are the two of you?

[ssandra]

And, also important, is she still a virgin?

Do you know why she wants to wait? Have you talked to her about her reasons? Tried to alleviate them? Talked to her what sex means to you, not just physical exercise, but also closeness etc?

[Benjamin K]

I'm 17 and I'll be 18 on April 10th, she's 16 and she'll be 17 on Sept 3rd. At this point I feel as if age shouldnt be that big of a deal, but I'll admit this would be a bigger deal if we were in our 20's. She's not a virgin though she's only had sex once and she's only done sexual things with two different guys, both of whom she was in a relationship with for two years and six months respectively. I've talked to her about it and let her know I'm not with her for just sexual things obviously as we've been together for about five weeks now, but when I mention it, it really only makes her want to wait longer in a way. It really hurts sometimes that she wont do anything with me. I'm extremely good looking and I'm physically very fit so I know it's not anything pertaining to that, but sexual things are just a big deal to her and I have a lot of trouble being so patient.

I can't leave her over this. She means too much to me I just don't know what to do anymore because I have to conciously hold back my frustration and edgyness at times from it. The farthest we've gone is grabbing and the other day at the movies she gave me a kind of rub/handjob type thing but I never really got off so to speak so it just was like a giant tease, but atleast it was a step in the right direction. I just feel like when the opportunity arises for us to be alone ALONE she never really wants to. I should mention she was on her period the last couple of days and I know that has influenced it a bit and she's nearing the end of her period so that's why I'm waiting until she's completely finished with it to see if she stays the same way. Either way she's still reluctant to pleasure me and that's what I find so frustrating because if it was her who wanted sexual pleasure I would do it even if I knew I'd get none in return just because I want to make her feel good and it makes me angry that I don't get the same respect in return from her..

[Indiana]

Dude, you seriously need to get a grip. She's 16 years old and you've been going out for five weeks and you're angry because she won't sleep with you? You are sounding like a complete douchebag. Get some respect.

No wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you with the pressure you are no doubt conveying to her. Not feeling ready to sleep with you isn't about 'disrespecting' you, it's about HER and HER RIGHT to choose when and who she is ready to sleep with. She doesn't actually owe you anything and you're behaving like you're entitled to her body because you've been hanging out for 35 days. Honestly, this makes me despair.

[Benjamin K]

Incorrect. If you've read my post you'd know that I said I would be happy with ANY sexual progression. ANYTHING. Sexual frustration does not specifically refer to sex itself. When the most you've done in five weeks of being together is kissing and groping it does get on your nerves. I have been far more patient than 95% of people my age that I know. You insult my intelligence, sir, and quite frankly I wish people like you would read my posts without jumping to conclusions as you have done.

[Benjamin K]

You also act as if you know of exactly what I've said to her as well. You have no idea what I've said to her and I dislike your way of assuming you know exactly what I have said. You don't seem to realize the nature of our relationship and you jump to conclusions too quickly. I suggest you re-read all of my posts and reconsider. I addressed her in the most non-threatening non-pressuring way possible.

Not to mention I dislike the way you used the words "hanging out" to try and convey that you think we've just been hanging around like good old pals for the last 5 weeks. This is absolutely not the case and it's another example of you trying to bolster your argument in a fallacious fashion. You know not of the intricacies of our relationship and I would ask that you don't post in this thread if you cannot grasp the ideas being shown to you through the words I have typed.

[votoshka]

You say she's not a virgin and she's had sex once before, as I understand it. I am wondering if that was a bad experience for her? Was she in a relationship at the time, and did it end? I just wonder whether this has influenced her behaviour with you.

If, for example, she was dumped after losing her virginity she may be very, very afraid that if she has sex again the same thing will happen.

I understand that you don't need for her to go all the way and have intercourse with you, but I also wonder whether she's scared that if things go further than the have already, that she'll end up going all the way with you and this will lead to a problem in your relationship?

I understand it's hard waiting at your age (hell, it is at any age), but I would give it at least a couple of months if I were you. Don't pressure her, just back off. I'm not saying don't try anything, but if she's not ready then let it go. See what happens and take your time! Honestly, a couple of months may SOUND like ages, but in the scheme of things it's not long.

Also, masturbation isn't a bad thing sometimes guys (and girls!) just need to release their frustration! If you haven't had an orgasm in weeks, well it's no wonder you feel incredibly frustrated! I'm not saying it's necessary, but I don't think I'd go that long without any form of sexual release (and I'm a woman not a guy... I don't know too many guys who would either).

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

It really hurts sometimes that she wont do anything with me.

Why? Are you taking this personally? Maybe this isn't about you, but about her?

I'm extremely good looking and I'm physically very fit so I know it's not anything pertaining to that, but sexual things are just a big deal to her and I have a lot of trouble being so patient.

If you truly care about this girl (I'm not even saying love her, but just care about her) you would stop pressuring her and let her determine the speed at which to continue. If you have trouble being patient, jerk off at times. I know you said you don't want to do that... but why not? It will release the pressure so you can focus on just being with her.

I should mention she was on her period the last couple of days and I know that has influenced it a bit and she's nearing the end of her period so that's why I'm waiting until she's completely finished with it to see if she stays the same way.

Being on your period doesn't influence a bit. It influences a LOT. Most women, especially when young do not want to have anything to do with sex while on their period. Nothing to do with you, everything to do with blood flowing out of their vaginas...

Either way she's still reluctant to pleasure me and that's what I find so frustrating because if it was her who wanted sexual pleasure I would do it even if I knew I'd get none in return just because I want to make her feel good and it makes me angry that I don't get the same respect in return from her..

This is NOT respect. This is borderline abuse!

She has NO obligation what so ever to pleasure you!! Of course you would do it in return to her, because you are a guy and are not at all worried about sex or what having sex means to your reputation. She might be!



My advice to you?

Get over yourself. Do yourself and this girl a favor and pleasure yourself. I know you said you don't want to do that now, but why not??

I mean really... why not?

It will take the edge off, will make you feel better, you get to spend time with your girl, just being with her, without the constant pressure of wanting to have sex.

If you cannot wait any longer, let the poor girl go. She deserves something so much better then you!!

Learn to deal with your own feelings (sexual feelings) instead of blaming other people for them. That never works.

You should be very proud of your girlfriend. In spite of a pushing boyfriend, a guy I assume she really likes, she is still staying true to herself and what she wants to do. That takes real strength in character.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

You also act as if you know of exactly what I've said to her as well. You have no idea what I've said to her and I dislike your way of assuming you know exactly what I have said. You don't seem to realize the nature of our relationship and you jump to conclusions too quickly. I suggest you re-read all of my posts and reconsider. I addressed her in the most non-threatening non-pressuring way possible.

Not to mention I dislike the way you used the words "hanging out" to try and convey that you think we've just been hanging around like good old pals for the last 5 weeks. This is absolutely not the case and it's another example of you trying to bolster your argument in a fallacious fashion. You know not of the intricacies of our relationship and I would ask that you don't post in this thread if you cannot grasp the ideas being shown to you through the words I have typed.

Yes, yes, I understand, you are in a Very Special Relationship of 35 days duration, not just any old friendship, and owing to the Very Special nature of the relationship, you're getting "edgy and annoyed at every little thing" and "angry" that your 16-year-old girlfriend won't start putting out to some degree. How disrespectful of her, right?

I mean, this relationship is so Very Special that you already had to break up with her once, a week ago, to show her just how important it is to you that she keep pushing along with the movie hand-jobs if she wants this relationship to go anywhere. And now you've waited another whole seven days and she still doesn't get that you have Needs that really should be her responsibility to deal with, not yours!

What a dilemma! Should you try to respect her wishes as an individual and wait till she is ready, or should you dump her in case you're still dealing with this nonsense in another 35 days?!

After all, that "first week of not having her at [your] side" would really suck. Because a week is like, a reeeeally long time to get over the one you have "strong feelings for." Almost a full fifth of your Very Special Relationship so far.

Ssandra gave you some very good advice and she is much better at restraining sarcasm than I am. I hope you'll listen to her.

[Zanriel]

As a dad, I'd be totally pissed if I found out my daughter was having sex at 16. That's just too young, too easy to make bad decisions at that age. I know it's common but that doesn't make it right. I guess I'm a bit conservative when it comes to that kind of thing, but the state this world is in these days, people need a bit more common sense and self restraint.

I think you should either channel that sexual frustration into a healthier avenue or move on. There are much more important things in life to focus on. Obviously you're not fulfilled enough in other areas of your relationship to be able to table the issue for, I don't know, 6 months to 2 more years?

A lot of people go out and date for 6-24 months before getting physical. If you can, that means your relationship is strong enough to last. If not, then it's not based on a solid enough foundation IMO. Would you be willing to be with her that long without any kind of "fooling around"? How long are you willing to wait for her?

[Elrond]

1. Masturbate
2. If still edgy, masturbate some more
3. Profit??

[James81]

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

I'm 17 and I'll be 18 on April 10th, she's 16 and she'll be 17 on Sept 3rd. At this point I feel as if age shouldnt be that big of a deal, but I'll admit this would be a bigger deal if we were in our 20's. She's not a virgin though she's only had sex once and she's only done sexual things with two different guys, both of whom she was in a relationship with for two years and six months respectively. I've talked to her about it and let her know I'm not with her for just sexual things obviously as we've been together for about five weeks now, but when I mention it, it really only makes her want to wait longer in a way. It really hurts sometimes that she wont do anything with me. I'm extremely good looking and I'm physically very fit so I know it's not anything pertaining to that, but sexual things are just a big deal to her and I have a lot of trouble being so patient.

I can't leave her over this. She means too much to me I just don't know what to do anymore because I have to conciously hold back my frustration and edgyness at times from it. The farthest we've gone is grabbing and the other day at the movies she gave me a kind of rub/handjob type thing but I never really got off so to speak so it just was like a giant tease, but atleast it was a step in the right direction. I just feel like when the opportunity arises for us to be alone ALONE she never really wants to. I should mention she was on her period the last couple of days and I know that has influenced it a bit and she's nearing the end of her period so that's why I'm waiting until she's completely finished with it to see if she stays the same way. Either way she's still reluctant to pleasure me and that's what I find so frustrating because if it was her who wanted sexual pleasure I would do it even if I knew I'd get none in return just because I want to make her feel good and it makes me angry that I don't get the same respect in return from her..

Well, ♥♥♥♥, i guess asking how old you were would have been smart of me before I gave you that advice.

Not that it changes much (it doesn't), it just explains why she's so hesitant to have sex with you, even IF she's only had sex with one other person.

16 year old girls are extremely insecure, and have a LOT of social conditioning breathing down their necks in regards to sex. Heck, you can see that the dude a couple posts above me talks about getting pissed if he had a 16 year old daughter having sex. That's a huge hurdle to get over because for some crazy reason, older adults want to try and project their sexual issues onto their children and make it seem "wrong" to have sex at that age.

My ammended advice to you:

1. Ease up. Understand that a 16 year old girl has HUGE amounts of social pressure regarding sex and it can be daunting and overwhelming. Plus, let's face it, putting pressure on your partner (at any age) for sex isn't going to get you anywhere. Instead of focusing on the sex, why don't you focus on ways in which you can establish comfort with her? Women will have sex with men who make them feel comfortable. Who make them feel sexy. Who do not put pressure on them to perform. Back off the sex hounding thing, get some control of your desires a bit, and let HER come to YOU in regards to sex. I promise you that if you ease off the pressure, be more "aloof" (for lack of a better, less tainted by PUA type of word) in regards to sleeping with her, and focus on establishing comfort, SHE will seduce YOU.

2. Use protection! Use protection! Use protection! For the love of god cover as many areas of protection as you can. See if she's on the pill AND use a condom. You're too young to risk pregnancy, so be safe dammit.

[Brutha]

If you've read my post you'd know that I said I would be happy with ANY sexual progression. ANYTHING. Sexual frustration does not specifically refer to sex itself.

What specific other types of sexual progression would you like to see?
Maybe you should focus on making those experiences happen instead of focusing on sex.
One step at a time.

[joelr]

It's not her fault that you are choosing not to masturbate. If your choices are break up or create your own relief, if you really like her then there is only one option.

Who doesn't masturbate at 17? Your testosterone levels are getting really high, that makes for a very annoying sex drive. What benefit are you getting from not doing that that outweighs the uncomfort factor of being all charged up all the time?

At 17 I had exactly 0 sex the entire year, I made it through. At 18 started dating a college girl whom by the time she was comfortable with sex I was 19.
I'm glad I waited because we were together for 6 years and although we moved in different directions in our 20's it was a really good 6 years.

[Eric L]

What can I do to make her more willing to speed things up or what can I do to alleviate some of this sexual frustration (I don't want to masturbate it's just not something I really want to do at this stage and I also feel odd watching porn which is what I would often masturbate to in the past). I'm just not sure what to do because I really care about her, but with each passing day I find it harder and harder to keep being patient.

The best thing you can do to speed things up is to not try and speed things up. The more you try to push women into things the more you push them away.

Why, the hell, do you not want tor release this tension through masturbation?

Please explain this logic to me...you are basically showing extreme sexual tension, you do not hold these drives back you need to release them or redirect the energy it is giving to you towards other things, like hanging out with your gf and having a good time.

I can see clearly you want sex above all and that your impatience is getting the better of you. You would not have mentioned other women who have expressed their desire to **** you if you weren't interested more in sex. What you are saying basically is "I could have sex with these women instead of her, yet I am showing my will to want to sleep with her and she isn't putting out and I am becoming frustrated because of her!"

You got two heads man. You can only use one at a time. At your age, listening to the one down below can screw you over in the long run if you don't take care. If you listen to the one that is sitting on your shoulders you will allow her to open up, willingly, and have a mind blowing relationship with her.

Or, you can force things into happening and have it all blow up in your face. (or pants.)

[rei]

Originally Posted by joelr

It's not her fault that you are choosing not to masturbate.

this.

you haven't said the reason for that choice. is it so you can have an even better release from the real thing? do you not realize your sex drive is so intense right now you can be wound up enough to really enjoy the real thing even if you've masturbated within the same 24 hours?

you seem to focus this frustration on her. even if you don't think you're pressuring her directly, she is probably still picking up on the way you WANT to pressure her.

but your sexual needs aren't on her, they are on you. if you aren't getting what you want at this point, maybe it's time to offer it to yourself or be with someone who is willing and genuinely consenting.

seriously, dude, find an apple pie.

[Eric L]

(I mean five weeks is a long time at my age to not do anything sexual with her)

BS.

That's about .001% of your lifespan. Who the hell told you this is long? I know who it is, it's the guy down below.

You are clearly in a bad state of mind, atm. When your mood and state of thought is healthy (happy) make a decision then. You are showing excessive impatience. You don't want to make decisions when you are feeling like this.

Also, learn respect towards other peoples wishes. It's what makes relationships work.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by rei

seriously, dude, find an apple pie.

Absolutely Hilarious!!

[rei]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Absolutely Hilarious!!

was meant to be a pop culture reference but i see how it's funny another way too

i do remember what it was like to be a horny teenager. the anti-self-service thing doesn't make sense though, and it can be a pretty good way to build resentment into a relationship. whether you're good looking enough to have the real thing doesn't matter. either you are willing to actually wait until THIS girl is ready, or you're not. even very good looking guys service themselves, for various reasons. i am really curious about why you're not open to that, based on your other comments i'm guessing you think you shouldn't have to or something? faulty logic there. Brad Pitt probably jacks it too.

so... get some apple pie

[Mounds]

Please see my thread about flexibility (Secret to Success).
Masturbate, watch porn, acquire said apple pie (contents may be hot!), order a fleshlight, visit a bordello, ect.
Five weeks being a long time at your age is a misconception. There is no magic formula for when someone is ready for sexual activity. I was with a woman for over a year before she was ready... and I she wasn't under 18.
Anyway, if you really care, you'll stick it out.

[Captain Drywall]

Talk to her dad. Maybe he can give some advice on how to get a 16 year old daughter to give it up. Explain that you love her, (its been 6 weeks after all).

Not gonna do that? I didnt think so. btw I am proud of the posts i read on this thread quit frankly i didnt think most of you had it in you.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Benjamin K

So I've been dating this wonderful girl for a little over a month now, and we havn't really done anything sexually. We kiss and grab every now and then, but whenever the opportunity comes up for us to be alone and fool around she never wants to. It's especially difficult because our relationship is perfect in every other way besides this and I have pretty strong feelings for her and she says she has strong feelings for me too and that she thinks doing things will make me bored with her or that it will ruin our relationship.

I don't really know what to do because I'm starting to get edgy and annoyed at every little thing because of lack of sexual intimacy with her. I love her and I want to be patient because I know she wants to take things slow and I want to respect that, but it's very difficult and I'm afraid if something isn't done that it's going to lead to some problems in the relationship that I don't want.

The worst part is that several women that I will admit are attractive have let it be known that they want to have sex with me, but I don't want to cheat on the girl I love and I don't want just sex or just a relationship I want both..and I can't seem to get that right now. What can I do to make her more willing to speed things up or what can I do to alleviate some of this sexual frustration (I don't want to masturbate it's just not something I really want to do at this stage and I also feel odd watching porn which is what I would often masturbate to in the past). I'm just not sure what to do because I really care about her, but with each passing day I find it harder and harder to keep being patient.

I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I feel your pain on the frustration part. It's hard to get it started and then just stop especially if you're not relieving yourself (which is hard enough on its own). You have several options here even though it may not feel like it.

First of all, if you feel that strongly about having both sex AND love, maybe it's time to let her go so that you can find exactly what you want. I don't think you should settle. That's going to hurt, but you are responsible for your happiness and fulfillment, not her.

Not sure why you wouldn't want to masturbate. But, if that's what you've decided you could let her know that you don't want to be physical at all because the frustration is too much for you when you kiss and grope. This will be hard, but I've found it easier to just go without than to be built up with no release. Maybe that will ease you up just a liiiittle bit.

What about phone sex? Since you don't want to masturbate to porn, why not masturbate to her voice? Worth a shot, if you ask me. Or you can just masturbate to her picture if you want.

You could also try limiting your time around her too.And take up a sport that really challenges you.

There are probably more solutions, but that's all I got right now.

[Johnny Skosnik]

I think the posts here are a bit heated. Ladies and fathers, I understand your indignation but please recall Benjamin K is a standard 17 year old male: a walking hormone storm. He's confused and frustrated, yet he had the courage to ask for help. His comments come from innocence, not malice.

That said, Benjamin K check out Loveline. It's a radio call-in show hosted by Dr. Drew Pinski, who takes questions about love, sex, dating and relationships from callers much like yourself. IIRC it costs to subscribe to the podcasts but you can get free downloads of older shows here.

Oh, and when you do get with a girl, WEAR A CONDOM! No exceptions, period.