How to start with BDSM (ADULT AND EXPLICIT)

[ssandra]

A beginner’s guide to the wonderful world of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

NOTE: if you want to debate how good or bad BDSM is, please open a new thread. I’ll respond to those opinions, just not in this one. This thread is a How To thread.

Why I am writing this: because I have gotten several emails asking for more information, which I gladly give of course. But also for those who missed the post with my offer for information or for those who do not yet feel comfortable talking about it… and general information for those who are simply curious.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them here or in a PM. I’ll do my best to answer as clearly as possible.

I have had 2 boyfriends (including my husband now) who had never heard from BDSM before they met me. My corruption of them was successful! I have also had several relationships or just dates with people who were already into BDSM. All in all I’ve been actively involved with BDSM one way or another for almost 10 years (wow... I feel old now… )

There are lots of ways to begin, and this is only one way. Nothing I write here is the absolute truth. Some bits you may be able to use, some you may not.
Take what feels good, learn from other bits and leave the rest.
Always be careful with websites that promote their ideology as The Absolute Truth. That doesn’t exist. There is only your truth which can be, and will be, different from mine.

There is no wrong way to play at BDSM. As long as you and your partner are having fun, you are doing it right!

A good place to start: Fill out a sublist. This is a list with plenty of BDSM like activities where you then think about weather this would be for you or not. Do this either together with your partner, or separate, and after that, discuss it together. It will give you plenty of ideas and places to start (and some things to laugh about, probably).

Here are a few: (I didn’t write them, so I’m not responsible for the content! Use your own common sense and judgment!)
http://www.de-kooi-bdsm.nl/subbylist...dsm.nl_eng.doc
Writing.Com: Blank Sublist

[ssandra]

Bondage: In short: tying people up with robes. You have several different types of bondage and there are some very good how-to websites out there.

Things to look out for: NEVER EVER leave somebody alone who is tied up. They can fall down, choke etc making it less play and more murder investigation.

Also be careful when limps start to fall asleep. You won’t kill off nerves very easily, but it is not impossible. So make your knots a bit looser when a hand or foot turns blue (nothing wrong with that, just a bit looser so the blood can flow).

Discipline: Not really my area of expertise or interest. This is about having rules and enforcing them, training the other person in a certain way, and punishment if there is no compliance with the rules.
The rules of course are agreed upon by both parties. One example could be the fact that the sub/bottom always (while playing) has to say “yes master” or something like that.

Dominance: To dominate somebody. This can be either by physical force or by will power. It is always voluntary!! You always respect the safe word!

Submissiveness: I could write entire books of poetry on how submissiveness feels. It is a wonderful feeling if you have this in you. The short and simple explanation is to submit yourself to the other person. This does NOT mean that there are no more boundaries or limits!

It is more a feeling than an action, but this feeling expressed in actions could be, sitting at the Dom/Tops feet while watching tv, bringing him/her something to drink before they even ask etc.

Sadism: The fun somebody can get out of giving out pain. This can be either physical or “emotional”. What I mean by emotional is for example the joy you can get from humiliation. Always consensual. I’m not going to repeat this again, because it should be a given… Always stick within the boundaries you and your partner have agreed upon.

Masochism: The thrill, joy, excitement you can get from receiving pain, either physical or emotional such as humiliation. Normally, this is only in the right circumstances.
For example; if I fall down and break my leg, I will be screaming and it will not be of joy. I will ask for painkillers and a hospital just like any other person. But if my husband hits me or bites me while I’m in the right mood… the pain turns into excitement, into enjoyment.

[ssandra]

Once you know what your partner is into, what you are into, and in which categories each of you fall, the fun can start!

Usually people fall into 2 or more categories. I am for example submissive and masochistic. My ideal partner would be Dominant and Sadistic although not too Dominant. I am not into Discipline, but I can see the appeal for other people.

Bondage: I don’t have a lot of experience with this, but enough to know what I like. To start, simply get a tie from your closed (or anything else that you can tie down and feels sort of soft) and bind the arms of your lover behind his/her back. Add a blindfold and you are ready to go. You can simply enjoy the feeling, or make love like that… whatever you like.

For more ideas just google “Bondage How-To” or something similar like that. Don’t get too caught up in looking at the pictures that you forget what you came there for
Bondage Tutorials on the Web

Don’t untie the person too soon, or do too many things to them right away. If somebody is into this, the simple feeling of having been tied up, not being able to move or escape, can be already very arousing.
Or make it a game… dare them to try and escape. A great way of making somebody feel helpless

Discipline: Have certain rules that your partner must follow during play. This can be as simple as having to say “Yes Master/Mistress” or “Yes Sir, Ma’m”, or as complicated as them having to kneel and ask your permission before they are allowed to speak.

A good system that usually works well is to give out points. For everything they do “wrong” they get a punish point which can be anything. For example, 5 points is five hits with a belt or 5 minutes standing in the corning etc.

Ordering people around doing stuff they normally don’t’ like doing can be entertaining as well. For example, order somebody to vacuum the house naked while you watch etc.

Remember that part of disciplining people is also rewarding them when things are going good.

Dominance: For most people who have never been dominant, but do have it in them, it can be as simple as being more selfish in bed. Take what you want, instead of asking for it.
Something very important if you have a submissive partner and you are new to this… don’t ask if you are doing it ok, while playing. Save those questions for after. During, you are the Dominant partner.
If you make a mistake, so be it. If it is heavy, that is what the safe word is for. If your partner doesn’t use it, continue as you were. If you want to make sure they are still ok, you can always ask "Do you want to use your safe word?" It is a way of staying in control, but still checking up on your play mate.

Submissiveness: Submissiveness can be shown in many ways. It can be shown by obeying the rules, doing whatever your partner says, or by anticipating their needs. Kneeling on the floor while they are sitting in a chair is another good one. If your partner wants you to be submissive and you are not sure where to start; tell them, and ask them to tell you what they want, and do that.

In some way being the submissive is a better position to be in when you are new in this, because you just have to follow the lead of the dominant person, while keeping an eye on your own boundaries.

Sadist: This is usually a difficult one if your partner is masochistic. Some easy things you can start with are simply biting or scratching if you have long nails. Somewhat more complicated can be spanking, either with your hand or with the back of a hairbrush. Some kitchen utensils are also interesting

If you are taking it further, make sure to always check with your partner if it is still fun and not too much. Remind them, if it is a very heavy session, of their safe word.

Masochist: Well.. the only thing I can say to a masochist to do is to enjoy. Enjoy and don’t be afraid to use your safe word. Your partner will not be mad at you because you are using it, and if they are they are the wrong partner anyway.

[ssandra]

Some “activities” that you could do:

I’m talking here mostly about an active Dom and passive submissive because that is my own preference. That does not mean that it should always be like this! I’m also talking about she as submissive and he as Dom. Feel free to distribute the gender roles as you see fit

Grab the hands of the sub with one hand and hold them behind her back. Push her against the wall. With your other hand, hold her throat while giving her a long and deep kiss. Don’t squeeze or anything, just let it lay there. After a while you can let your free hand wander from her throat to other parts of her body and just touch her like you want to. For bonus points… after that, go watch TV or do the dishes etc. Anything that is not sex and does not give her sexual attention. If you repeat this a few times during the day, after a few hours she’ll be so horny she won’t know what to do with herself.

Tell your partner to lie on the bed with his hands on both sides of his head, and to not move. Make love to him or her like that, while they have to restrain themselves from moving. If they move, stop what you were doing and wait until they don’t move anymore. If your partner is a masochist you can combine this with some pain. For extra bonus points: put a blind fold on your “victim”.

Tie down your partner and challenge them to escape. Sit back and enjoy the show. For bonus points: makes sure they are naked when you tie them up. If your partner enjoys humiliations, don’t forget to laugh at him or her (DON’T do this if they DO NOT enjoy humiliation).

Tie the hands of your partner behind their back, put a pillow on the ground and make them sit there. Have a nice evening of watching tv (you in control of the remote of course). For bonus points; every now and then, pull back their heads and give them a long and deep kiss, or touch their body.

[Plays With Life]

I really enjoyed this!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

I really enjoyed this!

Tnx!! Thought you might get a kick out of it

[Indiana]

Awww, Cylon would have loved this, I wonder what happened to him.